


Another Go

by curlyremus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Band Fic, Bassist Remus, Explicit Sex, M/M, POV Third Person, Smut, Violence, guitarist Sirius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2020-08-23 16:58:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 100,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20246221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlyremus/pseuds/curlyremus
Summary: While I wonder who you've got sleeping there on my side of the bedDon't you wanna give it another goWell you know I doBut I suspect you don'tRemus and Sirius have been in an on/off relationship for the past ten years while being in a band together. Yet Remus still has secrets about his past that Sirius doesn’t know about.





	1. Talk is Cheap

**Author's Note:**

> the lovely angels who have beta’d this fic  
confundedgryffindor: chapter 1  
lovelessinqueens: chapter 2-4  
blueeagle: chapter 5  
lunchbucket: chapter 6-12
> 
> WARNINGS:  
mentions of paedophilia, murder, necrophilia, rape, child abuse, past suicide attempt, violence, consensual sex while minors and cheating.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter song: talk is cheap by chet faker / nick murphy]
> 
> I hold up my ways  
These thoughts are pervasive  
It's not a statement  
But peace can be evasive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is mild blood and vomit in the second half of this chapter, so beware when reading it if you’re not into that.

Remus looked across at Sirius; the man was leaned over his vintage Fender 1958 Toploader Telecaster. It was Sirius’ pride and joy, he was extremely overprotective of it. Not that Remus completely blamed him, it had been something like £15000 when he had bought it for his 18th birthday. He had named it Francesca for a reason unknown to Remus, not that he ever cared enough to ask about it.

Around the time Sirius was fifteen, he had become obsessed with guitars. One day after his physics class he informed James, Benjy, Peter and him that they were going to be in a band and that they need to pick an instrument. Remus learned how to play bass, Benjy was drums, James was keyboard and Peter was also guitar. After a month of their band, they had come across the problem of that they didn’t have a singer, everyone (but Remus) decided he was the best singer and that was how The Marauder’s started. They had mainly done weddings and small gigs during school holidays up until they left. Peter left the band around the time when he was twenty-one because he was going to work for his dad’s printing company. As he left he called everyone names and telling them that they will fail. 

They did continue to fail up until the night of Remus’ 25th birthday when they finally cracked Billboard charts. Sure, it was only number 11 but it was as if that gave them the perseverance to continue on, they got straight back into making more music. They have had a few songs chart in their home of the UK but nothing in the top 5. 

Sirius looked over his shoulder to find Remus looking at him, he quickly looked down at the bass guitar in his hands, pretending to be tuning it. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Remus shrugged it off. Despite being on opposite sides of the room, sometimes it felt almost intoxicating to be around Sirius. He would always suck Remus in and it always ended before anything really happened, that had been their relationship since they had both worked out they were into men. The longest time they had been together was 15 weeks and they had been 16 at the time.

On Remus’ 25th birthday Sirius had broken up with him properly, it had been the most definitive break up they had. Sirius had just fucked him rough and hard before getting dressed and declaring that it was never going to happen again. At the time he hadn’t quite believed it, mainly because they had been doing the same dance for the last 10 years. They would date for roughly a month, something would happen and one of them would back off until they got lonely again. Except it has now been 4 months, the longest time they’ve gone apart from one another. 

“You’re giving me that look, so obviously it is something.” Sirius rolled his eyes as he carefully put the guitar on the stand. He turned around on the chair so that he was facing him.

There were times Remus wished that he could go back to when their relationship wasn’t complicated by sex and feelings. Back to a time where he and Sirius were actually friends and didn’t just put up with each other. They had met when they were eleven on their first day at boarding school, from the moment they met, they became friends. Sirius had declared that they were going to be friends forever and they were up until Remus got drunk for the first time when he was fifteen and snogged him. It had seemed like a good idea at the time but in retrospect, it was probably his biggest regret.

Remus had lost a friend that day, since then he has never managed to get him back.

“It’s nothing Sirius, go back to wanking over Francesca,” Remus sighed running his fingers through his curly brown hair. He heard Sirius huff before the chair was being dragged across the hardwood floor making a horrible sound. When Remus looked up from his Ibanez SR800 Sirius was sitting less than a metre away from him with a frown on his face.

Sirius cupped Remus’ face, his grey eyes boring into him. The pads of his fingers were calloused from picking the guitar strings. It took most of Remus’ self-restraint to not lean into the touch. “Tell me.”

“You’re being a pest. I’m allowed to look at you.” Remus pushed the older man’s hand away from his face, before pushing the chair back to create more space between them.

Sirius smirked running his hand through his black thick hair that fell to his shoulders, it had a slight wave to it. Girls (and some guys) seemed to love his hair, it was the physical feature that made him, _ him _. “Never said you couldn’t, love.”

“Just leave me alone,” he narrowed his eyes at his ex, well sort of ex. It wasn’t as if they ever actually were boyfriends, the most they ever were was dating. 

“Fine, be a cunt.” Sirius shrugged before dragging the chair back to its original spot. He picked up Francesca and went back to inspect it, or whatever he does with it. 

James and Benjy walked back into the green room, with a brown paper bag full of Thai food in their hands. Benjy sighed when he saw him and Sirius sitting at opposite sides of the room. “What happened?” 

“Nothing, we're both just minding our own business,” Remus shrugged putting Etta, his bass, on the stand before making his way over to the couch that positioned in the middle of the room.

“He has been looking at me funny!” Sirius scoffed before sitting on the floor diagonally across from Remus, trying to put room between them both without it being seen as that. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re being paranoid.”

“Stevie, Lindsey fucking work it out,” Benjy groaned, waving the biodegradable fork between him and Sirius, 

“He’s Lindsey,” Sirius pointed to Remus with the plastic lid from his prawn pad thai. 

Remus rolled his eyes again. Remus had no idea how he was Lindsey Buckingham, he was the easy-going one while Sirius constantly started shit. Which was one of the main reasons they never lasted as a couple, Sirius just liked to fight with everyone. “How am I Lindsey? You’re the self-obsessed knobhead,”

Benjy sat across from Remus on the floor as he opened his massaman beef. “Who gives a shit who Lindsey is?”

“I do,” Sirius and Remus said in unison. James, who was sitting next to Remus on the couch burst out laughing. 

There was something about Remus’ relationship with James which made him feel almost uneasy at times. While he was both his and Sirius’ biggest support, as a couple and individuals, he was notorious for picking Sirius’ side in everything besides music. It wouldn’t surprise him if James would take Sirius’ side if he murdered someone.

When it came to music though, James trusted Remus a lot more than Sirius, which would cause more issues between them. One particular time, when they were recording their first album when they were 21, they had been dating for almost two months until Sirius kicked off because James preferred Remus’ bassline idea over his. Sirius had ended up breaking up with him five minutes later during their smoke break.

Remus knew why Sirius always fought with him, it was because he was insecure that he would leave him; not in the romantic sense though, just one day that he would pack up and disappear off the face of the earth. It was his way to deal with the abandonment from his family, he just pushed away everyone else but James and his fiance Lily. Most of the time Remus just brushed off the digs and things said under breaths because he knew where it was coming from. Sometimes though, Sirius would say something heinous and Remus would walkout, which Sirius would follow him out apologising profusely.

Despite Remus knowing how toxic their relationship can be, it always started brilliantly each time they tried. It was probably why they kept going back to one another. Though when the band wasn’t doing much, not on tour or recording, was when it’s at its best because there were fewer arguments. Sirius would kiss Remus awake after making breakfast for them both, sometimes it was forgotten about, they would just hang out and watch movies, do normal couple things. Then a work commitment always came up and brought them back to the reality that they will never work and they break up again. 

James sighed. “Imagine putting your differences aside and not jeopardising the band over your penises.”

“That’s never going to happen,” Benjy shook his head as he shovelled the beef into his mouth. 

Remus groaned falling back into the couch, he ran his fingers through his hair, it was something he had picked up from Sirius when he’s stressed. Over the years they had all picked up each other’s mannerisms since they have lived together since they were eleven. James and Benjy had both moved out of their flat and in with their partners, it made some days awkward when either Sirius or he decided to have someone over.

“I don’t have an issue with him, he’s the one constantly starting shit with me,” he said defensively. Sirius just rolled his eyes and continued to eat his noodles. 

“Alright, you two just shut up and eat,” James said shoving the container full of larb at Remus. 

⁂

Remus was sitting at the dining table, in front of him was album cover ideas that none of them tickled his fancy. Sirius’ idea was a black background with a white skull and two flowers poking out the top, while Benjy’s was a close up on a black cat's yellow eyes. Neither of them seemed to capture the album concept.

It was two days after the disagreement with Sirius, which had been forgotten about on the other man’s half but constantly replayed in Remus’ mind. That was another reason why they never seemed to work, Sirius was very much brush everything off and pretend it never happened and constantly gave shit to Remus for mulling over things. Their personalities seemed so different at times, he wondered how they ever became friends.

The front door opened and laughter slipped into the room, giving it a life that it hadn’t had for a while. Sirius came into their flat, holding the hand of a red-haired man that Remus recognised. The man was taller than Sirius, not by much though, he only came up to his eyes and was broad-shouldered and seemed to be quite bulky. It was almost the opposite of Remus, who was thin and lanky, the only that they had in common was that they were both taller than Sirius, Remus beating both as Sirius came up to his chin. “Oh, sorry, I thought you would be out,” Sirius slurred as he kicked off his shoes. 

“Hm no, just going over album stuff,” Remus shook his head, he was in no mood to fight with him so he decided to keep the conversation as brief as he could.

“This is Gideon Prewett, from the Prewett Brothers,” Sirius mumbled walking over to the kitchen pulling Gideon along for the ride. Remus gave the man a short wave, he nodded back as an acknowledgement. The Prewett Brothers were a name in the music production side of things, Remus remembered meeting them briefly one night the last time he and Sirius were together. Sirius opened a bunch of cupboards looking for something before sighing loudly. “Angel, babe, love, where’s the vodka?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gideon look at him suspiciously, it was probably because he came back with Sirius under the pretence that they were going to shag but now he was preoccupied with finding more alcohol and calling his flatmate pet names. Remus wanted to roll his eyes at all the pet names he used in one sentence but he didn’t have the heart to, also if Sirius saw him roll his eyes it would create more conflict. He also wanted to tell him to not call him that, but again he wanted to avoid arguing with Sirius, especially while he was drunk. Not that he would admit it out loud but he quite enjoyed being called pet names by Sirius, which was the problem. The lines between them when they’re not dating is continuously blurred; Remus thought it was because they have gone back and forth between each other for so long they don’t know how to be just friends. “I don’t know, wherever you had it last.”

Sirius turned on the spot, looking at him accusingly with a hand on his hip and all the cupboard doors open. “You haven’t drunk any?” 

“I don’t drink vodka, you know that,” he sighed as he watched his flatmate walk back over to the cupboard where they keep most of the alcohol. 

“Oh yeah, it makes you a slut.” Sirius’ hair whipped around when he turned to Gideon who was leaning against the benchtop across from the alcohol cupboard. “He’s a slut when he has vodka.”

It wasn’t as if he was a slut when he had vodka, just every time he drank it he got horny. The first time Remus kissed Sirius he had been drinking vodka, after that moment it became known that Remus was horny vodka drinker. If someone asked him, he would say he has done a lot more stupid stuff while drinking other types of alcohol but nobody cared. He just played it safe and didn’t drink vodka to save himself from everyone’s comments.

Gideon smirked at Sirius, his gaze settled on the smaller man’s arse. “What about you?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Sirius said, his voice sounded silky. It was Sirius’ flirting/seducing voice which Remus knew all too well, especially when he whispered sexual things in his ear while using it. 

“I would, that’s why I’m asking,” the man stepped closer to Sirius. 

Sirius went to grab a bottle out of the cupboard but spun around at the same time, causing it to fall and shatter on the ground. Glass cut into his foot as he stepped back to get out of the mess. “Fuck.”

Remus got up from the dining room table before helping Sirius waddle over to a seat. “Fucking hell, sit down.”

“My foot hurts,” he whined moving his foot onto his lap to inspect the damage. It wasn’t that bad, shards were cutting into him but it wasn’t as if blood was oozing out.

“I know,” he sighed as he tucked a piece of hair behind Sirius’ ear. While watching Sirius pick the glass out of his foot he decided to ask Gideon if he could watch over him while he gets the first aid kit out of the bathroom. “Can you-” he started asking before stopping when he noticed Gideon was gone. It didn’t surprise him, the man was after a shag not playing doctors. 

“What?” Sirius looked across at him confusedly, his eyebrows were furrowed. There was a tug at Remus' heart from the expression, if Sirius wasn’t drunk, he would have probably kissed him.

Shaking the thoughts from his head, he started to walk out of the kitchen to get the first aid kit. “Nothing, just stay there. I’m going to get Dettol.”

“Where am I going to go? Cardiff?” Remus didn’t have to see Sirius’ face to know that he rolled his eyes and probably folded his arms. He continued to walk towards the bathroom. 

“Knowing you, it’s a possibility,” Remus called out as he opened the cupboard and got out the red bag full of random medical stuff that they basically never used. 

“Fuck off,” Sirius yelled out across the flat. 

“Give me your foot,” Remus said once he sat next to Sirius got the Dettol and cotton wool out of the bag. He stretched the foot out that didn’t have glass across Remus’ thigh. “The other one.”

Sirius huffed but swapped legs. He quickly found some medical looking tweezers in the bag and removed the rest of the glass from the foot. After he poured the antiseptic liquid onto a cotton ball, he immediately regretted it how much he used as it spilled onto his hand and it smelled really bad. When the cotton ball made contact with the cut Sirius flinched and swore, Remus had to grab his ankle to keep him still. A sigh of relief escaped Sirius mouth when Remus screwed the lid shut on the bottle of Dettol. 

There was a brief moment of silence while they sat in the breakfast bar chairs, with Sirius foot still resting on Remus’ lap. “You have really beautiful eyes, have I ever told you that?”

“A few times,” Remus chuckled. Sirius had told Remus countless times about how his eyes are so beautiful and the gateway to his soul. 

Sirius’ hand made its way to the curls that hung over Remus’ forehead, twisting it around his finger. Something was hanging in the air which made it clear that Sirius was going to say something he won't remember. “I miss you.”

“Sirius,” Remus sighed, carefully pushing Sirius’ hand away from his face.

There were so many reasons why this shouldn’t happen, mainly because of their history and Sirius was in no state to talk about figuring their relationship out. Their relationship was toxic while they worked together, Sirius couldn’t separate work from home and liked to argue until he his voice gave way. He knew that it wasn’t all Sirius’ fault, Remus sucked at relationships in general. During an argument they had, Sirius had called him emotionally stunted and it stung because it felt like the truth at times. It wasn’t if he didn’t have emotions, he just couldn’t express them in conversation which is why he did music. The problem was there was only so many _ I'm sorry _ songs he could write for Sirius before he got tired of it, which he did very quickly. 

“No, I know, just I do,” he said, looking sad. One of the worst aspects of their relationship is that they were aware of how much they cared for another, but for some reason, they could never stay together. While Tenille Doram said love will keep us together, Remus believed that Ian Curtis was on the right track with love will tear us apart. “Sometimes I wonder how we became so fucked up.”

“We’re just two puzzle pieces that don’t fit together but are in the same puzzle,” Remus sighed. 

“I don’t believe that.” Sirius clicked his tongue against his teeth. “I don’t believe that we won’t end up together.”

The optimism Sirius had Remus admired, only he could look at something that has failed every single time and still think it was salvageable. It was probably because of the amount of time and effort they had both put in to make them work. Not because Sirius actually loves and wants to be with him. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Dunno,” he shrugged as he held his index finger and thumb barely a millimetre apart. “Just a lil bit.”

“I think it’s more than that,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be so patronising.”

“I’m not.”

“I get nervous around you.”

Remus frowned. Growing up, Sirius was always cooler than Remus, he had girls following him around and wanting to be with him. Before the band even remotely took off, Remus had no idea how to talk to Sirius. He felt that he was always going to say the wrong thing and fuck everything up, which he still worries about now. It was a little bit of a mind fuck to find out that Sirius gets nervous around him. “Why?”

“I just want you to like me…”

“Sirius, I wouldn’t live with you if I disliked you.” the older man reached across before holding Remus hand against his chest where his heart was pounding. 

“I want you to _ like _ me,” Sirius said, his voice breaking at the like. His big grey eyes were sad, like a puppy dog. Remus hated that was how he made him feel, he was constantly torn between pushing him away and pulling him in closer. 

Remus sighed, he utterly loved Sirius despite his antics. Not that he had ever told him that or was planning on it, he just kept everything to himself until he wanted to explode. Even then, he never talked about his feelings, it just felt like he was burdening everyone else with his problems. Writing songs was his outlet, where he could write everything he was feeling down. Half of the songs never actually made it to daylight, mostly because being in a band with his ex made him nervous about the songs. Sirius always questioned the songs he thought were decent, what they were inspired from which was him more often than not, but it wasn’t as if he would admit that either. 

“If you still feel that way in the morning, we can talk then but not while you’re drunk,” Remus scratched his chin, he could feel the stubble beneath his fingers and made a mental note to shave tomorrow. 

When Sirius was drunk and Remus’ guard goes down was how they kept making the same stupid mistakes. Remus didn’t know how to let Sirius down gently or at all really, so they usually ended up either sleeping together or getting together. The only way to stop these things happening over and over, like groundhog day, was for Remus to not be drunk around drunk Sirius. 

“I’ve felt this way since I was thirteen, it’s not going to change in one night,” Sirius explained. Just as Remus was going to say something, Sirius vomited all over the kitchen bench. 

“Fucking hell,” he said moving Sirius’ leg off his. He grabbed the sponge and antibacterial spray and cleaned up the mess. 

Sirius was looking at him with his big puppy dog eyes. “Sorry.”

After cleaning it up Sirius’ vomit on the bench, Remus got a napkin and cleaned the vomit from around his mouth. He knew he should’ve probably made Sirius do it, but he felt bad because of the conversation that took place before it happened. Also, the overprotective part of Remus, which he tried not to act on, liked taking care of Sirius because at least then he knew that he was safe.

“You’ve got some there.” his ex pointed to the vomit mark on his black shirt. Remus groaned as he took it off and put it in the washing machine that was hidden behind a cupboard door.

“Let’s get you to bed,” he said tucking the hair that came loose behind Sirius’ ear. 

“Moony, you minx.” he wiggled his eyebrows as if he didn’t just vomit. He jumped off the chair before crying out when his foot made contact with the floor. “My foot hurts.”

“You’re such a princess at times,” Remus went over to Sirius and picked him up, carrying him bridal style to his bedroom.

“Only for you,” Sirius smiled up at him adoringly before pressing a kiss on his cheek. “You need to shave, your face is prickly.”

“It’s to keep away certain drunk guitarists.” 

“I didn’t know you wanted to keep Keith Richards away.”

“Yes, I was _definitely_ referring to Keith and not the drunken guitarist I am carrying to bed,” Remus laughed as he put Sirius down on his bed, he laid down on his back. Remus went over and turned the lamp that was next to the bed on before unbuttoning Sirius’ jeans and pulled them down his legs before removing his shirt, so Sirius was just in his pants. “Lay on your side.”

“Why?” he asked rolling onto his side. 

Remus pulled the bed covers back, Sirius not bothering to move made it more difficult. He pulled the sheet over him but left the duvet off as it was mid-July and quite hot. “So if you vomit in your sleep you don’t choke on it and die like Jimi Hendrix.”

“How tragic would that be,” Sirius mumbled. 

There was a hair tie on the bedside table, so Remus took it before sitting behind him. He ran his fingers through Sirius’ hair before starting to put it in a french braid so if he vomited again it wouldn’t get in his hair. “Very, I would become a hermit. It’ll be very sad on my behalf.”

“I want you to write songs about how sad you are without me, I want you to throw yourself at my coffin,” he hummed as Remus continued to braid his hair. 

Braiding was a skill he had learnt for Sirius, mainly because he used to get in trouble for having his hair out in chemistry and it was a way to get him on his own. Almost ten years later, Sirius still didn’t know how to braid his own hair and depended on Remus to do it. 

“I’ll try to remember that,” Remus rolled his eyes as he tied the end of the braid which finished at the name of his neck. “Do you want your boxers or are you good with what you’ve got on?”

“I wanna be naked,” Sirius said shifting under the sheet before throwing his dirty pants across the room. 

“Of course you do.”

“Stay with me.”

“Sirius…”

“What if I roll over during the night and vomit and die? If you spoon me, that won’t happen.” he looked at him with his sad puppy dog eyes again. The worst thing was that it was a compelling argument.

“Fine, but I’m getting the vomit bucket.” Remus got up and went to the bathroom to get it. The bucket wasn’t actually a bucket, it was an old 4L ice cream container that they used for all sorts of things. Mostly vomiting, sometimes bathing a hand or foot, one time Benjy decided to tie-dye with it. He put it on the floor next to Sirius before laying next to him on top of the sheet, determined to keep the barrier between them.

“Night, angel,” Sirius mumbled as he grabbed Remus’ arm and wrapped it around him. 

  
  



	2. Time After Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapters song: time after time by cyndi lauper]
> 
> Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you  
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new

In the morning, Remus woke up with Sirius pressed up against him, naked, his head resting on his bare chest and the sheet pooled around his shins. Remus would’ve been put off by it if this hadn’t happened before; being in a constant on/off relationship with the man has made him unbothered by his somewhat constant nudity. 

He carefully slipped out from the bed, trying not to wake Sirius who was most likely going to be hungover. After he got out of the room quietly, he had a shower and shaved his face. When he left the bathroom, Sirius was sitting at the kitchen bench, his head in his hands and two mugs and a pot of tea in front of him. 

Last night after Sirius fell asleep, he cleaned up the glass in the kitchen. He was going to go back to his bed but Sirius has crawled out of bed and brought him back. He then ended up stripping down to his pants but still slept on top of the duvet for a barrier. Though Remus didn’t understand how someone who was drunk and tired woke up from the tiniest noise, he wondered if Sirius had a sixth sense which was sensing when Remus was not next to him. 

“Morning,” Remus whispered. “How did you sleep?”

“Decent.” Sirius looked up at him with a small smile. “Did I sleep with anyone last night? It’s just, I woke up naked and I don’t remember much.”

“No, you insisted on being naked and me spooning you though,” he explained as he poured tea into the empty mug.

Sirius still appeared to be naked, it wouldn’t surprise Remus if it was true. There was a casualness to his nudity. After living together since they were eleven and being involved with each other sexually since they were sixteen, it wasn’t as if they had anything to hide from each other. Sirius also was quite confident with himself, which Remus didn’t have a problem with most of the time because Sirius was a beautiful man. 

“We didn’t shag?” Sirius asked as he brought his mug up to his lips. It was a mug his Uncle Alphard brought back from a trip to Africa. The handle was a giraffe neck and head, but the entire mug was hand-painted with spots. Remus remembered him mentioning his brother had an elephant one done in the same style.

“No, you didn’t try either, if that’s what you were wondering,” he sighed. He put a little honey into his tea before stirring it. There was something about honey in tea that Remus couldn’t explain. Sugar in tea was completely unacceptable and if honey wasn’t an option, he would rather drink it without any sweetener. “I just slept next to you because you were being whiny.”

Sirius played with the end of his braid nervously. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I’m quite used to taking care of you by now,” he smiled.

If Remus was honest, he really did like taking care of Sirius when he wasn’t angry. It made him feel helpful along with making Sirius feel better, which was all he really wanted. He just wanted Sirius to be okay and happy. Yet for some reason, he couldn’t just come out and say it.

“Thanks.”

“It’s nothing.”

There was a silence while they both continued to drink their tea until Sirius frowned and opened his mouth. “Why are all the cupboards open?”

“Because you were looking for vodka,” Remus sighed as jumped up onto the bench, sitting with his back facing Sirius before pouring himself another cup of tea and putting a drizzle of honey into it.

Remus’ mug was a lot less extravagant, but it did the job which was hold liquids and not leak. It was a Mr Tall from _ Mr Men and Little Miss _ coffee mug. The handle was blue and so was the inside, matching the colour Mr Tall was. Outside the mug, it was white with the character drawn on with his name above and the creator's name as well. It was a birthday present from Benjy since he is 6’5 and has long legs. 

“Of course I was,” Sirius sighed rubbing his eyes. Remus wondered if he was feeling well, considering the man had vomited a few times during the night. The retching had woken him up and held the man’s braid back as he vomited into the ice cream container next to the bed.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, turning his head around awkwardly to get a better look at him. 

Sirius waved his hand around. “I’m fine, just usual hangoverness.”

“Okay,” he nodded.

“I'm not your boyfriend.” there was a sour undertone to what Sirius said, it sounded almost like an accusation; it didn’t make sense to Remus. Sirius was the one that broke up with him for no reason.

“I never claimed I was,” Remus said, rolled his eyes. “All I did was ask how you are, next time I won’t. I will also leave you in the kitchen covered in vomit and glass in your feet.”

“What?”

“You stepped in glass and then vomited all over the kitchen bench.”

He went silent for a moment before sighing. “Oh, sorry.”

“Sirius, it’s fine.” Remus swivelled on the bench, so he was sitting sideways on it. 

“You don’t hate me?” Sirius asked, poked Remus’ thigh.

“As I said last night, I wouldn’t live with you if I hated you,” he smiled down at Sirius, who gave him a tight-lipped smile back but his eyes were hopeful.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

⁂

Remus sat patiently as a woman put the mic on his leather jacket. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sirius giving her a dirty look. Secretly, he was pleased that Sirius was jealous of her, so when she flirted with him he flirted back. His ex tore his eyes away from him when she went over to him.

They were doing an interview together while James and Benjy did one. When Remus first found out they were going to be (mostly) alone together, he wasn’t impressed, especially since their entire management team knew about him and Sirius.

Thinking about it, Remus didn’t know what would be worse. Doing an interview with Sirius alone while dating or doing an interview with him alone while broken up. Neither seemed like a lot of fun.

During the interview, they got asked to make something out of craft that reminded them of each other. Remus decided to make a penis out of pipe cleaners while Sirius was doing something with felt.

The male interviewer had asked them a few questions about how they got into music. Which they told the story again, despite them being asked it nearly every interview.

“What was the first CD you owned?” Tim, the interviewer, asked. He was sitting behind the camera in a chair, talking to them with a microphone, so when the video is published the man wouldn’t be in it. 

Tim was a gangly 30-year-old with bright red hair and beard, like a hipster. Remus thought if he cut his hair short and lost the beard he would be reasonably attractive but he looked like he drank kombucha and once a month bathed in a bath full of beanies and artisanal vegan soap. He seemed nice enough but very much on the line that was homeless man and hipster.

“It was _ NOW That’s what I call music! 46_,” Remus started saying as he bent the silver pipe cleaner into a circle for one of the testicles. “It had Britney Spears, Kylie Minogue, Tom Jones, Billie Piper and NSync on it.”

“He used to play it on repeat. The amount of times I’ve listened to Sex Bomb by Tom Jones is more than I want to,” Sirius playfully nudged him as he cut some shape out of white felt. 

The only reason he would play the song was because he knew how much everyone in their dorm hated it. It wasn’t an awful song, it just made everyone feel incredibly uncomfortable. Still, to this day, Remus had no idea why his parents bought the album for him when he was six, or how incredibly inappropriate it was to listen to at that age. Remus rolled his eyes while a smile tugged at his pink lips. “You love that song.”

“I really don’t,” Sirius looked at him with his big grey eyes, it felt normal for once despite it being basically all for the cameras. When Sirius was like this, in a playful mood, it made Remus forget why they never worked out. It was like all the bad memories just disappeared and he only remembered the good things, which was probably one of the reasons why they kept getting together. Out of the corner of Remus’ eye, he could see Artisanal Vegan Soap Tim look at them disapprovingly, probably because they were getting off subject and weren’t into hipster music like he was. Sirius tore his eyes away from him and back at the camera. “Mine was a little less adventurous and was a Bach greatest hits album.

“Those are two very different albums,” Tim said, stroking his ginger beard. The hair was so curly and bristle that it looked like he grew pubic hair out of his face, Remus wondered if he had actually glued it to his face. 

“Sirius grew up sheltered until I corrupted him with music,” Remus smiled as he hooped another silver pipe cleaner through the existing circle, making them connected. 

“You corrupted me with more than just music,” Sirius looked across at him and smiled, Remus swore his heart slowed down and become faster at the same time. “Gave me my first cigarette amongst other things.”

“That’s because you were a nerd,” he laughed as he cut a black pipe cleaner into pieces, which he was going to use as pubic hair for the balls he had made.

“I was not.”

“Keep telling yourself that, I know the truth.”

Tim sighed, probably getting fed up with the conversations they’re having with each other. It’s not exactly their fault, Tim was sitting metres away from them off-camera, it’s hard to get him involved. Also, Remus didn’t want him involved, not really at least, the part inside him that he didn’t like wanted to keep Sirius all to himself. “What’s your guilty pleasure song?”

“I don’t feel guilty about anything that gives me pleasure,” Remus winked, he swore the redhead man blushed at the comment. 

“Anything by Phil Collins for Remus,” Sirius interjected, Remus narrowed his eyes at the dark-haired man. It was true though, Phil Collins’ music was his guilty pleasure.

“_In The Air Tonight_ is actually a good song, say what you want about the rest of his music but it’s a good song,” Remus shrugged as he looped the short black pipe cleaners with each other; curling them around to create a curly-haired look. “Sirius’ would be Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre.”

“It beats Phil Collins.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes, I am.”

“I do have to admit, I dislike_ You Can’t Hurry Love_ a lot, why would anyone ever try and cover a Diana Ross song?” 

Sirius’ shit-eating grin was plastered across his face and in the moment, Remus wanted nothing more than to pull him in and kiss him. “At least you admit that.”

“Fuck off,” Remus pushed Sirius lightly, Tim was again not looking at them impressed. This time because of the word he had used.

“How do you two know each other’s guilty pleasure songs are?” Tim asked, pretending to be intrigued by their friendship. 

“We’ve been living together since we were eleven, you end up noticing songs someone plays when they think they’re alone.” Sirius glued eyes to a circle piece of felt that laid on the table. “Aka Phil Collins’ entire discography.”

“Is there any Genesis in that?” Tim asked, almost accusingly. Remus didn’t like Tim that much, he had came to the conclusion, Tim was too judgemental.

“Yes, he has a CD that I made him when we were like seventeen which is basically Genesis and Phil Collins,” Sirius said as Remus joined two pipe cleaners together to make a V. He pushed the end of one down, so when it’s finished it looked like urethral opening at the tip. “It was for Valentine’s Day, I made it for him as a joke but he still listens to it.”

Tim looked at them curiously both of them curiously, inside Remus wondered if it was obvious that they had a history together. It honestly wouldn’t surprise him if it was, they always slipped into comfortability. He wanted to reach out and touch him like he always did, but never wanting to make the first move in case Sirius didn’t want him.

Remus smiled as he tied the penis to his balls. “You really just brought it upon yourself.”

Sirius looked down at the pipe cleaner penis and his smile disappeared. “Oh my fucking god, you made a penis.”

“Yeah, he said to make something that reminds me of you, so here it is,” he smiled holding the pipe cleaner. The thing that Sirius had made looked like an angel, Remus just wanted to laugh out loud. He didn’t know why Sirius made him an angel but the idea that he thinks of him as it, made him feel as soft as a marshmallow inside. “Is that an angel?”

“Yeah well, I’m now regretting it,” he laughed as he looked at the silver pipe cleaner penis.

Remus scratched his chin. “Can I keep it?” 

“It’s mine,” Sirius frowned.

“You can have the penis.” he pushed the penis across the table and reached out for the angel.

“I don’t want the penis.”

After getting home from the interview, the car ride was silent as Remus drove. When they got home, Remus went to the kitchen and made himself a bowl of beef instant noodles before going to his room and watching The Big Short. 

He was up to the bit where Margot Robbie was in the bath explaining finance terms when Sirius knocked on the door and opened it. He looked nervous as he bit his lip and looked down the hall towards the living area. “Remus, there is a detective here wanting to speak to you.”

“Oh, okay,” he said, pausing the movie with a huff. He had some idea why they would want to talk to him; it was always about Fenrir Greyback. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Sirius whispered at him when he got off his bed, leaving his bowl of noodles on the bedside table. 

“I’ll tell you later,” Remus sighed. “Can you mind your business for this?”

“Remus, it’s the fucking police,” he pointed down the hall, still whispering at him in an angry tone. “There are police wanting to talk to you.”

“I know, I heard you the first time,” Remus said as he walked past him and down the hall.

A middle-aged light ginger-haired man was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a suit. Remus knew him fairly well, his name was Alastor Moody and he was the detective that worked on Fenrir Greyback’s cases. The man usually scared people, he was an average height stocky man with a false eye which gave most people the creeps. He was also missing a leg. 

“Moody, I wish I could say it's a pleasure to see you.” he shook the DI’s hand. “Would you like some tea or something?”

“I’m alright,” he shook his head, he was rather a no-fuss type of man that seemed to have no sense of humour. 

They had met when Remus was nineteen, Greyback was the prime suspect in the rape and murder of a five-year-old girl. Moody had done some digging and found out things that tied Remus to him, as much as Remus tried to help he was never charged with it as all the evidence was circumstantial. It didn’t surprise him that he wasn’t, Greyback had only been charged with robbery and mainly petty crimes. All the horrific things he did was well planned, the man was smart but also horrible. Despite not being charged with any major crimes, Remus and Moody both knew there were a long list of victims but they could never prove it.

“So, what is it?” Remus asked while folding his arms.

“Fenrir has broken the conditions of his bail,” the man said gruffly in his thick Scottish accent.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Of course he has.”

“I understand how frustrating it must feel-”

“I told everyone he would,” he cut Alastor off. Fenrir had been arrested the month before for exposing himself in public. When it happened, Remus told Moody that if he was granted bail he would run away the first chance he got. Yet they ignored him and decided to give him it. “He’s a murderer and a paedophile, yet he is somehow still allowed bail.”

Moody gave him a knowing look, basically saying ‘we can’t prove that’ before deciding to change the subjects “Do you know where he would go?”

“No clue, You know I haven’t talked to him since I was ten,” Remus rubbed his face. The idea that Greyback was running around free didn’t sit well with him, he was constantly anxious the man would turn up at his house and do something to him. 

“I know, but you’re the closest person to him,” he raised an eyebrow.

“Somewhere rural, that’s all I know.”

“You’re his-”

“I don’t know, I really don’t,” Remus said, trying to stop him before he could finish the sentence. “Wherever the next body of a child is found, I say around there. He’s not dumb enough to stay in London, we both know that.”

“Are there any family members or friends that he would approach?”

“Believe it or not, I never asked when he kidnapped me but if there is a next time, I’ll ask,” Remus sarcastically said, he knew he probably shouldn’t talk that way to police but they were frustrating.

“Remus, we’re just trying to help.”

“I know.”

“Is there a chance he would approach you?”

Remus rubbed his face again. “He’s a psychopath not an idiot.”

“Sorry for bothering you at home, take care,” Moody nodded at him as he made his way to the front door. “If you hear or see anything, give me a call.”

“I doubt I will,” he said. Remus still stood in the middle of the room despite Moody had left, he went over to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of scotch. 

A sigh escaped Remus’ mouth as he thought about what Sirius would ask and what exactly he should tell him, _ how _ much he should tell him. There was a lot he kept from him in fear that Sirius would leave him because of it. While it wasn’t his fault necessarily and everything that had happened was out of his control, he felt guilty for everything. That’s why he kept helping Moody whenever he could, despite him not knowing really anything. 

Sirius came out from the hall and leaned against the fridge watching Remus drink. He had gotten changed into a knitted jumper and shorts that were probably a little too short to wear anywhere but home, yet he still somehow pulled the look off. A clicking noise came from his mouth when he twisted his lips. “Fenrir? Who is Fenrir?”

“Greyback,” Remus ran his fingers through his hair, while holding the glass in the other. 

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “The paedophile?”

“The one and only,” he said refilling the glass with more scotch. His plan was to try and relax about what just happened, he knew that drinking probably wasn’t a good idea but frankly he didn’t care enough. 

“Why were they asking you questions?” he asked.

“They thought I might know something.”

“Like?”

“Where he is.” he shrugged. “He was arrested last month for exposure and he broke his bail.”

Sirius pursed his lips. “And why would you know where he is?”

“They seem to think that I know him because kidnapped me when I was four,” he told Sirius, while it was the truth it wasn't the complete truth. He wasn’t ready for Sirius to find out the whole truth, part of him wondered if he ever would be.

“Why?” Sirius asked.

“I’ll just ring him up now and ask,” Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius huffed, not being amused by the comment that was made. “He’s the reason why my parents sent me to Hogwarts. He used to turn up at our house and everything. You’re not the only one who had a fucked up childhood.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius closed the distance between them, only to stop a few feet away from him. Remus figured it was because he wanted to support him but didn’t want to cross the boundary.

“He didn’t do anything to me, surprisingly, just kept me for a week in his shitty home,” he explained. That was the truth, Greyback didn’t touch him inappropriately or even try to hurt him. Remus used to wonder why but after years of therapy, he decided to let it go because he will drive himself mad trying to figure out why. “After that, he would turn up outside my school and home just to fucking taunt us. I haven’t seen him since, sometimes I just expect him to jump out but I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Do you think he would?” Sirius asked as he got a cup off the drying rack next to the sink and poured himself a glass of scotch. He pushed himself up onto the counter and brought his left leg up to his chest. Remus coughed when he thought he saw one of his balls, the man pulled at his shorts to cover the body part that had been exposed. Sirius not wearing pants under his shorts should’ve been expected but for some reason Remus hadn’t.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I just expect it because it hasn’t happened in over a decade, you know?” he shared. While he knew the likelihood of Greyback turning up anywhere near him was unlikely because he was an adult and he had a liking for kids under thirteen. There was still the part in the back of his head telling him that when he least expects it and has his guard down, the man will turn up. 

There were a few moments of silence before Sirius spoke up again. He probably had no idea what to say, Remus didn’t blame him for that though, he had kept this from him for their entire relationship and just unloaded most of it onto him in a short period. “Why did he say you’re the closest person to him?”

“Probably because all the other kids he’s kidnapped are dead.” It was true, there was no kid besides Remus that had been in his company and survived. Sometimes Remus wondered if he was actually the lucky one or if he was really the unlucky one, sometimes it honestly felt like the latter.

“Why didn’t he kill you?” Sirius asked.

“I was four, I didn’t ask,” Remus raised an eyebrow while taking a sip of the scotch. “Also, I told you to mind your own business.”

“It’s the police, of course I would eavesdrop,” he smiled mischievously.

“Should’ve known,” he hummed in agreement.

“You’re not angry at me?” 

“No, I would’ve done the same thing if police came asking for you.”

Sirius got off the bench, putting his glass down and pulled Remus into a hug, resting his head on his shoulder. It was a surprise, Remus hadn't expected a hug from him but he also didn’t know the whole story so he probably thinks that he’s the victim. “You know, compartmentalising is bad.”

“I know, I just…” he sighed as he wrapped his arm around Sirius’ back. While he didn’t ever initiate contact with Sirius (other than snogging when they were together) and he didn’t particularly like it either, but when it came to Sirius, it was as if he couldn’t say no. 

“Did he get charged with kidnapping?” 

“No.”

“Why?”

Remus breathed deeply before letting it go. “That’s for another day.”

“Remus, you know everything about me. Let me in, please,” he stepped back a little to cup his cheek, his thumb caressed him carefully. Remus honestly couldn’t help himself but lean into the touch.

“I will, just not letting you that far in today,” he bit his lip. He was scared of losing Sirius because of Greyback, despite knowing that he should trust him. Desperately he wants to trust him but he doesn’t know how to when it comes to this. Only his parents, his therapist and Moody know, he wanted to keep it that way. Lock his secret in a box and throw it overboard and never see it again.

“It’s me,” Sirius frowned, as if that alone should be a reason for him to tell and not the reason he won’t.

“I know, that’s why I can't,” Remus moved his arm from Sirius’ back, trying to create more space between them since their bodies were practically pressed together besides where Sirius’ arm reaching up between them keeping their chests just the tiniest bit separate.

“Why?”

“I’m not ready to lose you yet.”

“You won’t lose me.”

“I will, same with James and Benjy.”

“Okay…” Sirius nodded, finally letting go of Remus’ cheek and stepping back. “Whatever it is, I’ll be here and I promise it’s not as bad as you think it is.”


	3. High Hopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter’s song: high hopes by kodaline]
> 
> It's time to let it go, go out and start again  
But it's not that easy

The conversation that happened with Moody was four days ago now; Sirius hadn’t pressed on the issue but he has pulled away. They haven’t really spoken much, besides small talk about organising dinner and such. It was like they were on the way to reverting back to when they had just broken up. Remus tried to not let it bother him, but it wasn’t working very well.

James was to the left of Remus, Benjy to right of him. Sirius was on the other side of James. They were sitting around a table for a radio show since they released a new single and needed to promote it. James was talking animatedly to the radio host, Mary, who was actually a friend of James’ along with Benjy. Sirius and Remus just sat quietly not knowing what to say, mainly because of the tension between them.

“Last week we put out on social media that we were having you guys on the show, we’ve asked them to send in their favourite fan works. They’ve sent quite a lot in,” Mary announced. “Did you know your fans have come up with ships?”

“Like boats?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. He had no idea why fans would make boats. In the back of his mind wondered if they were big in the sailing community or if there is even such a thing as a sailing community. James started laughing while pinching the bridge of his nose. Remus sighed before asking, “what’s so funny?”

Benjy kicked James under the table, trying to get him to stop laughing so much. “Ships are relationships people either want or like, so like… Janto from Torchwood.”

“Right…” Remus nodded, somewhat understanding it more but still confused why they’re called ships and what exactly they have to do with boats. 

“The most popular one being Remus and Sirius,” Mary said reading something off the laptop screen that was sitting in front of her. 

Sirius spat out the water that he had taken a mouthful of in shock. “Shit, sorry!” Sirius muttered while trying to clean the water that sprayed on the desk in front of him with his hands.

It annoyed Remus that she decided to bring them up. (She was one of the select few that knows Sirius and his fucked up history.) Also, it was uncomfortable knowing about fans thinking they would be good together because they weren’t — no matter how hard they tried. 

“Fuck, are we allowed to swear?” James asked while trying to help Sirius cleaning up the water with his shirt.

Mary, who had Lunch just before they arrived, still had a tea towel near her and threw it across at Sirius. It was orange and blue with pineapples on it. As far as tea towels go it was ugly. “No, you’re not supposed to swear.”

“Well, too late now. Sorry kids.” Sirius said as he soaked up the water with the towel. 

“For the benefit of the listeners, Sirius just spat water everywhere,” Benjy laughed, seeming to enjoy the chaos that had just been unleashed.

“Back to what I was saying, they’ve named the ship Wolfstar. How do you two feel about that?” She asked.

Remus brought his hand up to his hair and ran his hair through his curls, which Sirius gave him a weird look for. He wanted to ask why but decided not to have an argument with the dark-haired man on live radio. They didn’t want to give fans the impression that they fought and create rumours about the band breaking up because it won’t. “The name or people thinking we’d be a good couple?” 

“The latter,” Mary said. 

“Obviously they don’t know us if they think that,” Remus said taking a deep breath. While a part of him, albeit very small, did like that the fans thought they were either cute or good together. “We’d be a disaster together if you want my brutally honest opinion on it.”

“I think Remus and I would make a better couple. He is tender, loving and hot,” James said throwing his arm around Remus as he winked at Sirius — obviously trying to get the conversation off their relationship. Remus did appreciate the distraction as it was weird to talk about their relationship openly, not that he ever wanted to. If they did decide to talk about their relationship they would talk it over with each other instead of catching the other off guard.

“He sounds like a chicken to me,” Benjy grinned, running his hand through Remus’ hair purposely messing it up.

“That’s because he is,” Sirius finally spoke up. 

Remus crossed his arms, unimpressed with what Sirius had to say. “I’m not a chicken, thank you very much.”

“Pasty and tasty, sounds like a chicken to me,” his ex laughed, clearly proud of what had just come out of his mouth.

Remus used all his self-restraint to not roll his eyes at him. “I have never been described as either of those things.”

“Yes you have, just not to your face,” he winked at him. Remus felt a blush creep up on his face. He hated being like a little blushing schoolgirl.

Remus shook his head, trying not to cover up the fact he was laughing and not wanting to give Sirius the satisfaction. “Oh that’s just brilliant, isn’t it?” 

The rest of the interview went along well, they sang their latest single and a cover of _ You Know I’m No Good _by Amy Winehouse. When Remus sang it, he didn’t change the pronouns which will probably send their fans into a frenzy. He didn’t quite care enough to say anything about it though. Despite that, he wasn’t actually planning on coming out nor did he actually want his sex life gossiped about even more than it apparently already was.

After the interview, they were all invited James and Lily’s house for dinner since Remus had to cook for him and Sirius he wouldn’t pass on a free meal that’s edible. Something Sirius couldn’t cook, even if he tried his hardest. It was a little awkward that he invited Mary over after her talking about his and Sirius’ relationship on-air when she knew that they wanted it private.

They were all sitting outside on their porch that had a large table set up on it. Sirius was sitting at the table with Harry on his lap talking to Lily. Mary was smoking with Benjy and his girlfriend, Emmeline, near the back of the yard so that the cigarette smoke didn’t waft over to Harry. James was at the barbecue cooking food while talking to Dorcas and Marlene while they prepared salads together. 

Remus was leaning against the door, watching everyone mingle around when he heard the doorbell go off. He sighed and put his beer down on the table, silently hoping no one would mistake it for theirs, before walking down the hallway and opening the front door. Gideon and his brother, Fabian, were standing on the doorstep one carrying a four pack of blue flavoured WKD and the other with Corona. 

“Sirius invited us,” Gideon said. 

_ Of course, he did _, Remus thought, but didn’t say out loud. He didn’t want to cause any drama and he wouldn’t; suffering in silence is his preferred way to deal with his unpleasant feelings. The other day Remus would’ve sworn they had a moment in the kitchen after Moody had came to talk to him, but obviously he was wrong. Sirius was much more interested in a red-haired man, which hurt a little more than Remus cared to admit. “They’re all out the back.” 

“Thanks.” Gideon nodded and walked straight past Remus, with Fabian following behind.

Remus shut the door and made his way back to his original spot and decided to roll a cigarette. He got out his cigarette case that had Van Gogh’s Skull of a Skeleton with Burning Cigarette on it. After opening it, he got out the packet of Amber Leaf, the filters and papers. He held the paper in between his thumb, index and middle finger before placing the filter on the paper and laying out the tobacco across it. Rolling it up quickly before pocketing the tin and going over to his friends who were smoking.

When he got down to where they were standing, Remus stood next to Mary so he could see what Sirius was doing. It was probably a little bit creepy but he wanted to see if his suspicions that Sirius was into Gideon were true.

“Oh Remus, I wanted to talk to you.” Mary smiled across at him. Remus raised an eyebrow at her. He figured it would be about today since they weren’t exactly friends — they were just friendly. It didn’t bother him, though, that they weren’t mates. “About earlier, I didn’t want to bring up you and Sirius. I wouldn’t do that.”

“You did though,” Remus said, lighting his rolly and taking a drag. “Listen, it wasn’t great, but Sirius is the one with more of a problem.”

“I know I did it, but I wouldn’t do it unprompted. Your manager told me to talk about it,” she sighed, looking up at him unapologetically since she was only an inch off being the height of his shoulder. “Well, not so much told me, but demanded.”

“What?” Remus furrowed his eyebrows. The idea that their management wanted him to talk about their relationship didn’t sit right. While Remus brushed off what happened on air, he very much liked to keep his personal life private. Having his relationships turned into gossip and people talking about them just made him uncomfortable and felt like a violation.

Remus looked across the lawn to Sirius, who was laughing with Gideon, Harry no longer with him. It was probably better that he has started seeing other people, if that’s what he and Gideon are doing because he never felt good enough for Sirius. Not because of anything Sirius said or did. It was because Remus was in love with him and he would go to the ends of the earth for him; to have Sirius feel the same way about him, seemed so far fetched. 

“They probably want you to come out or something,” Mary said as she dropped her cigarette and stepped on it with her black high heels before picking it up off the grass. “Anyways, I hope you two are okay and that I didn’t create any drama between you two. The last thing you need is a reason to break up.”

“We’re not together. We haven’t been since my birthday,” he tried to explain. He looked at Benjy for help but his friend just shrugged. It was unusual for him to be so quiet. 

“Sorry, I didn’t realise. Just the way you two acted… Sorry,” Mary said before quickly making her way back to the rest of the group who weren’t smoking. 

Benjy and Emmeline were both looking at him like they knew something he didn’t. “What is it?”

“Nothing, nothing.” Emmeline stepped on her cigarette, when she bent down to pick it up Remus noticed that she had a diamond ring on her left ring finger. 

Benjy pulled out his packet of Marlboro cigarettes before putting it between his lips and lighting it up. Remus hadn’t noticed that Benjy’s original cigarette had been finished. “Really, what is it?”

“Nothing, really. Just probably shocked that you two haven’t been together since then,” Benjy shrugged with a smirk on his lips. “Has it really been that long?”

“Yes, it has.” Remus sighed. “He said he didn’t want to be with me anymore, which is fine. It’s been ten years of this bullshit, I don’t blame him for wanting out.”

Benjy twisted his lips. “I don’t think that’s what happened.”

“Trust me, it was, I was there,” he said. “He fucked me and then told me, I quote, ‘This is over, I don't want to do this anymore, I can’t keep doing this, it’s ruining me.’”

“Well shit.”

“Such a great thing to hear on your birthday,” Remus said sarcastically. 

“Would it be worse if he waited until your birthday was over?”

“He could’ve done it the morning after.”

“You never talk about what happened between you two.”

“Do you want me to talk about every shitty thing we’ve done to each other?”

“I feel like we’d be here for a while,”

“We would,” Remus sighed running his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out what to change the subject to. Talking about him and Sirius wasn’t something he liked to do; it was very much keep on burying it until you can’t. “I did notice the ring Em has on, when did that happen?”

“When we were in Egypt,” Benjy smiled. A month ago Benjy had taken Emmeline to Egypt to visit some of his cousins and other family members. Remus figured that it must’ve gone well if he proposed to her.

Emmeline and Benjy had been together for a bit over two years. They had been playing at a pub and she was behind the bar, Remus had actually gone up to her and started flirting but she was far more interested in Benjy. It didn’t really bother Remus since even if they did end up shagging, nothing else would’ve come from it since he was still very much emotionally tied down to Sirius. Not that being tied down to Sirius had bothered him either. 

“Good for you,” Remus smiled at him, actually meaning it. He was glad that his friend was happy. 

“Thanks man. I always thought you and Sirius would be the first to get engaged, not the last,” Benjy laughed.

“I doubt Sirius and I will ever get engaged.”

“Why?”

“The longest we’ve dated is a bit over three months, declaring that we’ll be together forever seems highly impossible.” Remus sighed, looking up at the deck Sirius was chatting away and seemed to be enjoying himself. He wondered if Sirius ever looked that happy when they were together, he probably won’t ever know. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter. He’s clearly moved on.”

“You two have spent the past ten years together, while not consistently together, that’s still longer than any of us,”

“Can we go back to not talking about our relationship?”

“Right,” Benjy laughed again. “Isn’t the weather nice?”

“Oh yeah, brilliant.”

“You were the one who said you didn’t want to talk about your relationship.” 

“There are more subjects than the weather,” Remus put out his cigarette before going over to the table to sit down. He pulled out his phone and decided to scroll through his Instagram.

At the other end of the table, Sirius, Gideon, Fabian and Lily were talking. Remus tried not to get involved with their conversation. Talking to his ex and his new _ friend _ or whatever Gideon was, did not strike him as fun. 

“You seem to be enjoying yourself,” Mary said pulling out the seat next to him at the end of the table, yet didn’t sit down.

Remus put down his phone at smiled at Mary. “Oh yeah, having the time of my life here.”

“I’m getting a drink, do you want one?” Mary asked.

“Yeah, just beer is fine,” Remus smiled, she nodded and walked inside. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sirius glaring at him as if he could burn holes. While Remus did want to call him out on whatever the fuck he thinks he’s doing but also doesn’t want to cause an argument between them in front of everyone. They were all probably used to them fighting in front of everyone, but it wouldn’t be a good look on his behalf while Sirius’ new boyfriend or whatever he was sitting there.

Mary came back out and set a Corona in front of him before sitting down in the chair she had pulled out before. “I got lime, I don’t know if you’re one of those people who like it with it or not.”

“Thanks.” Remus smiled and took the lime out between her fingers and pushed it into the bottle. In all honesty, Remus didn’t actually like Corona but having it with lime made it a little more drinkable. He didn’t want to seem rude so he decided to drink it.

“Remus doesn’t like Corona,” Sirius stated from across the table, loud enough for him to turn his head. 

Mary looked between them both confused. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine,” Remus said.

“I feel bad, I can get you something else,” Mary looked at him sympathetically.

Remus smiled at her. “It’s just beer, it’s fine.”

“Don’t bother, I'll get him it,” Sirius rolled his eyes. 

“It’s just beer,” Remus rolled his eyes, trying to stop whatever Sirius was trying to do by making Mary feel bad. It was just beer and Remus really didn’t understand why Sirius’ knickers were in a knot over it. 

“There’s no point in you drinking it if you’re not going to enjoy it,” Sirius stood up. 

“Sirius, sit down,” Remus frowned. Sirius slowly sunk back down into his chair and shot Mary a dirty look quickly. Almost blink and you miss it quickly, but he and Gideon has noticed it.

“As I was saying, I don't like Shakespeare,” Gideon said, probably trying to change conversation topics. 

“Neither.” Sirius agreed with Gideon. Remus raised an eyebrow at him, who just smirked back knowing that he had annoyed Remus by that comment.

The summer after Remus and Sirius had both turned sixteen, Sirius had moved into his Uncle Alphard’s London flat. His uncle spent most of his time at his villa on the French Riviera. Remus had managed to convince his parents to let him stay with Sirius for a week. On the first night that Remus had stayed with him, Sirius had gotten out his laptop (which was a gift from his uncle) and decided to put on _ My Own Private Idaho _. About ten minutes in, Remus was bored out of his mind and decided to try his luck with kissing Sirius. Not that much later into the night, they had both lost their virginity. Sirius was a little annoyed that they had missed the movie, but he just rewound it and Remus ended up falling asleep next curled up in Sirius’ arms. 

Beyond them losing their virginity while a Shakespeare adaptation was on, Sirius loves Shakespeare and had made Remus watch countless movies and plays based from his stories. Since Sirius’ favourite being _ Twelfth Night _ , Remus has endured many nights watching _ She's the Man _. Remus honestly tried to love Shakespeare for Sirius’ sake, but he couldn’t get past the language used and did prefer the modern versions. Despite not being his biggest fan, he always indulged Sirius’ love for him because Remus loved the way how he would get excited when talking about him. 

Remus finally tore his gaze away from Sirius, who was looking rather pleased with himself for lying. He turned to Mary and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry about him, he’s just-”

“Your ex?” Mary chuckled.

“Yeah, that explains it better than any other way,” he said after taking a swig of beer.

“I honestly don’t know what you see in him,” she leaned back into her chair. “Sorry, that was really rude.”

“Just a little,” Remus rolled his eyes despite smiling a little. “He’s different when it’s just him…”

“What do you mean?”

“He's not a little shit, I mean he can be, but he’s actually really kind and intelligent. Also, he’s a lot less argumentative.”

“You do realise he wasn’t arguing with you over beer, right?”

“What was it then?”

“It was him being possessive over you.”

Remus frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Basically, it was his way of saying ‘I know him better than you ever will’ without saying it,” Mary said, taking a sip of her beer. “Which doesn’t bother me, because I’m not trying to fuck or get with you.”

“Right.”

“Just a word from the wise; if you ever meet a guy you want to be with, don’t tell Sirius until you have to.”

“I live with him, it’s not that easy.” Remus looked down the table to where Sirius was sitting, he was smiling and laughing. God, how Remus wished he was sitting with him. Remus would have his arm wrapped Sirius’ shoulder or have Sirius’ hand in his, he really did miss being with him. “He’s a lot worse to girls than guys, I’ve noticed.”

“So he’s sexist?” Mary raised her eyebrows at him. 

“What? No.” Remus shook his head. “I think he’s scared that one day I will want to settle down with a woman and have kids. Basically become James and leave him behind.”

“Can you see yourself do that? Settling down with a woman?”

“I can't see myself settling down with anyone, regardless of gender.” 

“Why is that?”

“Because the person I want all that with, doesn’t want it with me. He just doesn’t want me to be with anyone else,” Remus said, his gaze still on Sirius. Sirius met it for a moment and smiled at him as if he hadn’t just caused a scene over beer. He finally turned to face Mary. “I’d appreciate if that stayed between us. I mean, not even to James because he’ll try and push me to tell him.”

“Got it,” she nodded. “So, seeing him with someone else?”

“Not great, but at the end of the day, I do want him to be happy,” Remus said, wanting to believe it. While he did want Sirius to be happy, he really wanted it to be with him and not some other guy. “If that’s not with me, it’s not with me.”

“I’m sorry,” she sighed.

Remus shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“Never said it was.”

“Right.”

Mary chuckled. “Good luck if you ever get a boyfriend though. He seems quite territorial over you.”

“Or girlfriend,” Remus added.

“I thought you were gay,” she looked at him curiously.

“I’m bi,” he shrugged. “I think the fact that I’ve spent the past ten years with a man makes people think that.”

“That probably has something to do with it.”

“Trust me, Sirius hasn’t forgotten it yet.”

“Aren’t you, Remus?” Sirius called out from across the table.

Remus turned back to face Sirius, who had a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. “Aren’t I what?” 

“You’re pals with Fenrir Greyback,” Sirius explained.

Remus shook his head. “I’m not pals with him.”

“You said you were the only kid he never touched.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m friends with him.”

⁂

When Remus got home, he went straight to his room and pulled out a metal box that was under his bed. He lifted it onto his bed before pulling out the second drawer from his bedside table and removing the key from the bottom of the top drawer that was stuck down with tape. 

He sat down on the bed, staring at the box, anxiety rose up in his chest. Before Sirius had made the comment about Fenrir and him being _ friends_, he never had the urge to open the box...

_ Remus was sitting in the front seat next to Fenrir in the man’s car. It was a silver Ford Mondeo wagon, and there were stickers in the windows of Teletubbies and a hot air balloon window shade. They were parked in a car park, with two other cars in it. _

_ “How was school?” Fenrir asked. _

_ Remus sighed, playing with the buttons on the console. “It was fine.” _

_ “It doesn’t sound fine,” the man raised an eyebrow at him. His voice sounded like a raspy bark, Remus hated it. It reminded him of a large dog. _

_ Part of him didn’t want to tell Fenrir what had happened at school. There was a boy in his class who had a mean streak, he called everyone names and pulled people’s hair. Whenever he hurt someone or call them names, he would tell them that ‘snitches end up in ditches’ which is why he hadn’t told his parents. He didn’t want to get into more trouble with the boy. “There’s a mean boy, he keeps calling me names.” _

_ “Have you told your mother or Lyall?” Fenrir asked curiously, Remus shook his head while looking at his black school shoes. “Why not?” _

_ “Snitches end up in ditches,” he mumbled. _

_ “What’s his name?” _

_ “Owen.” _

_ “What’s his surname?” _

_ “Driscoll.” _

_ “What does he call you?” _

_ “Gay, idiot, drewgi, diawl,” Remus listed. _

_ “I don’t know what the last two mean,” Fenrir sighed. _

_ “Smelly dog and the devil,” he translated for Fenrir. Despite the fact that Fenrir had been living in Wales near Remus since he was born, he couldn’t speak a word of it. “You can’t tell anyone I told you, I don’t want to get in more trouble.” _

_ “As long as you don’t tell anyone you were with me,” he reasoned. “Your mother doesn’t like us spending time together.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “She’s a bitch, that’s why.” _

_ “No, she’s not.” Remus frowned and crossed his arms. He didn’t know what it meant, but he knew it wasn’t a nice thing to call someone. _

_ Fenrir ran his fingers through it matted hair. “I have a present for you.” _

_ “Really?” Remus smiled ecstatically before Fenrir put a black metal box on his lap. The box made Remus feel extremely underwhelmed, he wanted a toy of some sort, not a metal box. “What is it?” _

_ “It’s called a lockbox, you put very important things you don’t want other people to see and you lock it up. There are a few things of mine I want you to keep safe for me,” Fenrir stroked Remus’ cheek with the back of his hand. The man’s hand was rough against Remus’ smooth cheek. _

_ “Like what?” He looked up Fenrir. _

_ “It’s a secret, you can’t open it. Promise me you won’t open it,” Fenrir pressed. _

_ Remus nodded. “Promise.” _

_ “Next time I see you, I will give you something that I want you to put in it, but no looking through it. Okay?” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “If you can’t promise me you won’t look through it, I will give it to someone else.” _

_ “No, you can trust me.” _

_ “Good, because as you said, snitches end up in ditches,” Fenrir looked at him, his yellowish eyes boring into Remus’ eyes. “Do you want to go play in the park now?” _

_ “Can you push me on the swing?” Remus put the box down on the floor of the car and undid his seatbelt. He turned to face Fenrir, who was smiling at him. _

_ Fenrir undid his seatbelt and opened the car door. “Anything you want.” _

Remus pushed the key into the lock and popped it open, he wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting but it wasn’t what was sitting in front of him.

There were pictures of them together, at parks, in front of a bush, the week he had been kidnapped by him. Pictures of him sleeping on a mattress on the floor, him eating cereal out of a mug. It looked like harmless photos of Remus as a kid until he came across a picture of him naked in the bath. 

He felt sick wondering if Fenrir ever got off thinking about him. Sure, the thought came to his mind before, but Fenrir never touched him in any way unless he had initiated the contact first. At most, Fenrir had carried him when he got too tired to walk. 

Taking the photos out of him out of it, there was the envelope Fenrir had given him to put in the box. He took in a deep breath and emptied the contents of it on his bed. There were children’s teeth and a photo of a mutilated dead child. 

Remus gagged and scrambled off his bed. Falling to the floor, he pushed himself up against his wardrobe and brought his knees up to his chest. He didn’t know how long he sat like that trying not to have a panic attack.

While he knew Fenrir was a bad person and did do the things he was suspected of, there was never any proof, until he opened the box. He pulled out his phone and rang his parents' landline.

“This better be important, it’s 11 pm,” Hope’s, his mother, voice rang through the line. 

“I need to talk to Dad,” Remus said, trying to get his breathing under control so that his mother didn’t pack a bag and drive to him. 

“Remus? What’s happening?” Hope asked, her voice strained with worry.

“Give the phone to Dad, please?” 

“He’s asleep, can it wait?”

“No.”

“Lyall, wake up. Remus needs to talk to you, he’s crying,” his mother said. He heard grumbling, from who he assumed was his dad.

“Remus? What’s going on?” Lyall croaked into the phone, his voice riddled with sleep.

“Is mum next to you?” Remus asked.

“Yes, we’re in bed,” he said wearily.

Remus sighed. “I don’t want her to hear this.”

“Okay, give me a moment,” his dad said, Remus heard more grumbling coming from the other side of the phone. “What is going on?”

“It’s about Fenrir.”

“Remus, you can’t keep letting him get to you. He’s long gone, he hasn’t shown any interest in you since you were twelve.”

“He gave me a box years ago and told me not to look at it. I didn’t, until tonight. There are fucking teeth, like actual human teeth and a picture of a fucking corpse.”

“What?” his dad sounded much more alert.

“Do you know Owen, the boy that went missing?” 

“Yeah, of course. He was in your class and they never found the body.”

“I think it’s him.”

“What?”

“He was mean to me at school and I told Fenrir. He went missing the next week.”

“Fucking hell,” Lyall cursed. Remus knew he would get a talking to later about how he shouldn’t have told Fenrir it, he knew he shouldn’t have after it was too late. It was mainly his parents' fault for keeping him sheltered about why he wasn’t allowed to see him. They never explained what he was and why he isn’t allowed to see him until Remus was around 12, by then Fenrir was already out of his life and the damage had been done. “What else is in the box?”

“I don’t know, there were pictures of me but like usual childhood photos parents have. There’s still stuff in it, I just didn’t get to it,” Remus explained. He was curious to know what else was in the box but also didn’t want to know. 

“Alright, call Moody,” Lyall said. “Don't touch anything else.”

“Why me?” Remus’ voice broke and he felt tears starting to well in his eyes. There were rare moments when he let himself cry, but when it came to Fenrir, he knew it was going to happen whether he wanted it to happen or not. 

“Your mother and I have been wondering about that for a long time,” his dad sighed. “Remus, you need to remember what he is.”

“A fucking cunt,” he mumbled into the phone. 

“That is one way to describe him,” he said. Remus was half expecting to get told off for using that sort of language, but it never happened. “I’ll let you go, call Moody.”

“Can you keep this between us? I don’t want Mum to get worried about it.”

“You know I can’t promise that.”

“Of course.”

“I love you, I hope you know that.”

“I love you too, Dad. Mum too.”

Lyall yawned. “Alright, keep me updated, please?” 

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’t be,” he brushed it off. “Is Sirius home?”

“No, he’s at James’ or perhaps his boyfriend’s, I don’t know.”

“Is there anyone you can call so you won’t be alone?”

“I’ll call James or Benj.”

“Alright. I’ve turned my mobile back on, so text me whenever you want. I can’t promise I’ll reply soon.”

“Bye Dad.”

“Bye Rem.”

The line went dead and Remus pulled up James’ contact before texting him quickly.

**Remus: Can you come over?**

**James: What’s going on?**

**Remus: I’ll explain when you get here, I just can’t be alone tonight.**

**James: Okay**

⁂

It was Lily who showed up, Remus was a little less than impressed but she apologised and said James was too drunk to drive. At first, she thought something had happened between him and Sirius, which was a reasonable deduction. Remus did wish that it had to do with Sirius.

Remus had called Moody just after he had texted James and explained to him what he had been given. Despite how late it was at night, Moody had arrived fairly quickly to collect the belongings.

When Lily saw what the police were there for, she was physically sick. Remus didn’t blame her, it wasn’t like she asked to see the photos of dead bodies, she was just there to comfort him.

Moody was there for just under half an hour and asked Remus a lot of questions, the main one being ‘Why did you wait so long?’ After Moody had left, Lily and Remus had put on the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies and fell asleep on the couch, since neither of them wanted to be near his bed.


	4. Wake Up Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter’s song: wake up alone by amy winehouse]
> 
> Got so sick of crying  
So just lately  
When I catch myself I do a 180

Remus walked out of the bathroom after having a shower and putting on his underwear. Lily had left in the afternoon to go back home, it was now around 10pm and the sun had gone down. Remus figured Lily was now telling James everything that happened. So he was half expecting a concerned phone call from James at some point.

When he walked out into the kitchen, Sirius was standing at the window in the living room smoking his Marlboro Red. They didn’t have a balcony, so they just had to make do with smoking out the windows, as neither of them wanted the flat to smell like smoke. Sirius must’ve got home while Remus was in the shower. Trying not to disturb Sirius, Remus quietly turned the kettle on which filled the room up with noise. 

Sirius jumped at the sound, he coughed at the unexpected inhalation of smoke. He put the cigarette out on the ashtray that sat on the windowsill before walking into the kitchen. “Remus.”

“Yeah?” Remus questioned just before Sirius hugged him tightly. Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder while his arms were wrapped around his waist. A sigh escaped Remus’ lips as he stroked Sirius’ hair. “Oh, what happened?”

“I’m sorry about what I said about you and Fenrir at dinner,” Sirius mumbled against Remus’ shoulder. 

“Oh.”

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

“I’m sorry, I never want to hurt you.”

Remus knew Sirius intentions weren’t malicious, his ex just wanted to know and knew if he asked I’m a public setting that Remus would feel obligated to answer; perhaps he just saw Sirius through rose tinted glasses. When it came to getting answers, Sirius wasn’t one to back down until he got them one way or another. Despite knowing all that, Remus was less than impressed by what Sirius said so brazenly. With Remus’ hand still in Sirius’ hair, he sighed. “You know, you could’ve asked me.”

“Yeah, I know…” Sirius shrugged.

Remus pressed a kiss against Sirius’ forehead, trying to let him know that he wasn’t angry at him and he knew why he said it. “Next time, just ask.”

Silence fell over the two men, neither of them budging. Not that Remus would admit it out loud, but he did rather like Sirius hugging him like this with their breathing in sync. It was quite hot having Sirius presses up against his almost naked body but it didn’t bother him and he couldn’t complain.

“Who is he to you?” Sirius asked. Of course, he was going to ask it — he had to ruin the moment.

It was right on the top of Remus’ tongue, he did want to tell Sirius but there was a chance that Sirius would do what he did yesterday again but with the new information. Part of him didn’t trust Sirius and he hated it. Remus also didn’t like saying it out loud, he was ashamed of it; he didn’t want Sirius to be ashamed of him. “I don’t know if I can trust you.”

“You don’t know if you can trust me?” Sirius stepped back out of the hug. Remus could tell that Sirius would have thoughts racing around his head, probably nudging at him to say something he knew he shouldn’t. “That’s bullshit, Remus.”

“I would never bring up your parents the way you brought up him, no matter how much I wanted to know something or wanted you to hurt,” Remus explained. 

Sirius frowned. “You want me to hurt?”

“Once upon a time,” Remus mumbled while avoiding eye contact with him.

“When I broke up with you?”

“Perhaps.”

“And you talk about trust,” Sirius scoffed amusedly, like it was a joke. It probably was a joke to Sirius.

From the tone in Sirius’ voice, Remus knew that Sirius was going to bring up their break up and how it was all Remus’ fault. They haven’t fought about it before, after it happened they both pretended to push it down until one of them exploded. Today was that day when Sirius exploded. Remus shook his head, trying to steer off _ that _ conversation. “This isn’t relevant.”

“How the fuck isn’t it Remus? You’re talking about trust and how you can’t trust me, how isn’t it relevant that you broke my trust?” Sirius folded his arms.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to suppress the anger that was bubbling up inside him. “Because it’s not a fucking game. It’s not like ‘Remus hurt me and so I hurt him back’, an eye for a fucking eye is immature.”

“I didn’t say that because I wanted you to hurt, I want you to trust me with something,” Sirius yelled at him.

“How can I trust you with it if you’re going to bring it up like ‘hey guys, I’m going to tell you something Remus told me’. How do I know you’re not going to fuck me over with it?”

“The way I still trust you regardless of what you did.”

“Cheating and this are two very different things.”

“How?”

“Because they just are,” Remus groaned. The thing is Remus knew the difference, he just didn’t know how to articulate it. He knew cheating on Sirius was a beyond shitty thing to do, despite not knowing he was cheating on him. But it wasn’t like he was comparing notes and telling Kingsley everything about Sirius, he didn’t even talk to him about Sirius. “What you did was manipulative, what I did was just fucking shitty.”

“How isn’t cheating on me manipulation?” Sirius scoffed. “You still paint me to be the bad guy, you’re like ‘oh Sirius, he’s a dick head, he left me on my birthday after we had sex’ and you tell everyone that sob story.”

“This isn’t relevant to what you did yesterday,” Remus tried to get the conversation off the whole cheating incident, this was like opening a barely scanned over wound. 

“No, you just like to lump all the blame on me, all the fucking time.” Sirius accused him. “I’m surprised you didn’t blame me for cheating on you, you probably do.”

“I don’t,” Remus said. Sirius raised an eyebrow as if to ask him to clarify what he meant. “Blame you for the cheating.”

“Oh that’s a fucking first.” Sirius rolled his eyes, not being impressed with the answer. Remus doubted Sirius would be impressed with his answer either way it went.

“I apologised for that.” Remus bit his lip. 

“Yeah, well, I’ve apologised for telling people about Fenrir, everything is fucking _ great _ now.” there was venom in Sirius’ voice that only ever came out when he was properly angry. 

Remus sighed. He felt bad for the neighbours because the last thing they probably wanted was to hear them fight at 10pm. “Sirius.”

“What?”

“I really am sorry.”

“Me too,” Sirius said, implying that he was sorry that he ever got with Remus. 

Remus had met Kingsley around the time Sirius and he had gotten back together. The night him and Kingsley met Remus was at Heaven with Marlene and Dorcas. Kingsley had hit on him and Remus thought _ fuck it. _ Kingsley was smart, funny and normal, he worked as a firefighter, they didn’t have the baggage that he and Sirius carried around. It was very much just a sexual relationship, Remus had no desire to make it anymore than just that, a good fuck. Despite him and Sirius getting back together, he didn’t know that the relationship was exclusive, if he did, he would have never gone there with Kingsley. He didn’t want to hurt Sirius.

On the night of Remus’ birthday, Kingsley and him had been texting to meet up the next day. While Sirius was fucking Remus, his phone kept buzzing. After they had both came, Sirius was lying on Remus’ side of the bed and had picked up the phone to pass it to him but saw the texts from Kingsley. He unlocked the phone — since he knew the passcode because Remus had given it to him so he can reply if he was in the shower or driving — there were texts of them flirting, them organising to see each other, nudes. It was extremely clear what had been going on between them...

_ Remus saw Sirius sit up and start looking for his clothes. He rolled onto his side and watched Sirius put his suit back on, they had gone out to dinner as a band at a nice restaurant. _ “ _ Where are you going?” _

_ “Back to my room,” Sirius shrugged. _

_ That disappointed Remus a lot, while he knew they weren’t together together, he had hoped that at least for tonight they would pretend. “Oh. You don’t want to stay the night with me? We can just cuddle and watch a movie, I don’t expect anything else to happen.” _

_ “I never want to stay the night with you again,” Sirius said. _

_ Remus tried to not flinch at those words, but fuck, it stung. “What?” Remus pushed himself up, so he was sitting. _

_ “This is over, not just over for a month until you get lonely again, I mean actually over. I can't do this anymore,” Sirius said buttoning up his shirt, it looked like he was trying not to cry. “You’re a fucking cunt, an actual fucking cunt.” _

_ “Sirius, what happened?” he grabbed Sirius’ hand and pulled him back to bed. Sirius sat on the bed cross legged and facing Remus. _

_ Something must’ve caused him to react this way, while they have broken up quite a few times, they usually had at least screamed at one another during the past day. The day went fine, Sirius had made him breakfast in bed, they spent most of the day cuddling and watching movies between Remus getting birthday calls, the dinner went fine, there was no arguing at all. This had blindsided Remus. _

_ “What happened? Perhaps Kingsley can tell you what fucking happened,” Sirius said, sounding on the verge of tears. _

_ “I swear it’s not like that,” he quickly said. It wasn’t like Remus was planning on taking Kingsley out on a date or do anything more than have sex with him. Sirius was the only person he wanted to be with romantically, he didn’t want Sirius to get the idea that he was moving on from him. _

_ Sirius grabbed Remus’ phone and shoved it close to his face. “What do you mean not like that? You sent ‘I’m thinking about you’ with a picture of you wanking.” _

_ “He’s only a shag, I promise I’m not planning to take him on a date,” Remus put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder to comfort him. _

_ “Don’t touch me,” Sirius pushed Remus’ hand off his shoulder. “That doesn’t make cheating any better.” _

_ Remus didn’t like what Sirius was implying, he didn’t cheat, he wouldn’t ever cheat. Especially on Sirius. He loved him and never wanted to hurt him. “I didn’t cheat on you, cheating implies we were together.” _

_ “We were together, Remus,” he said. _

_ Remus shrugged. “No, we weren’t.” _

_ “I’m telling you, we were,” Sirius snapped. Remus felt sick, part of him couldn’t believe they were on two different wavelengths. To Remus, the relationship was only early days and that he was allowed to see other people if he wanted. To Sirius, they were in a committed relationship with each other and Remus did the worst thing you could probably do in a relationship. Wanting to fix what he destroyed, he cupped Sirius' cheek but was swatted away by him. “I said don’t fucking touch me.” _

_ “How can I fix this?” Remus sighed trying not to sound annoyed or frustrated, despite that he was. Sirius and him never had a conversation about only seeing each other. _

_ “You can’t,” Sirius said, wiping a tear away that trickled down his cheek. _

_ “Sirius, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, I would’ve never done anything with him if I knew we were together,” he explained, trying to fix this mess. He wanted to salvage what he could from the relationship as he was watching it sink. This couldn’t be the end of their relationship, not after ten years. _

_ “Leave me alone.” Sirius walked out of the room. When the door shut, Remus pulled his legs up to his chest and started crying. There was crying coming from outside his door. _

“Are you punishing me for it? Is that what this is?” Remus accused Sirius. Perhaps Sirius had brought up Fenrir at the party just to make him feel shit since he cheated on him.

“No, you constantly keep me at an arm's length. You… you’ve never let me in, all I’ve ever wanted is to know you like you know me,” Sirius' voice broke with sadness.

“You do know me,” Remus reached out to hold Sirius’ hand.

The grey-eyed man was looking at him with sadness in his eyes. “Do I?”

The thing was, Sirius probably knew him the best out of everyone. While he didn’t know a lot about Fenrir, he knew more than everyone but his parents and Fenrir. His parents knew nothing about his relationship with Sirius, mainly because of how turbulent it was and didn’t want them hating Sirius. Fenrir on the other hand never seemed interested in Remus beyond using him to get closer to other children. Remus sighed and ran his fingers through his brown curls. “You know basically everything.”

“_Basically _ everything,” he said weakly. 

“I am sorry,” Remus looked down at his feet. 

Sirius scoffed again. “No, you’re not because if you were you would do something about it.”

Remus frowned. “I am, I wrote you-”

“I’m sorry I was cheating on you the entire time, here is a song about how shitty I feel about it,” Sirius impersonated Remus. The fact that Sirius had managed to get his voice and Welsh accent almost spit on annoyed Remus even more.

“I am sorry,” he sighed.

“If you were sorry, you would tell our friends that we broke up because you cheated on me multiple times instead of doing that fucking story about how I hurt you.”

“You did hurt me.”

“You were having an affair and _ you _ were hurt? Fuck off.”

“This has nothing to do with Fenrir,” Remus ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I would never bring up your parents as a dinner conversation.”

“My parents are a different story to whatever Fenrir is,” Sirius waved a hand around. 

Remus knew what was coming, an argument about Fenrir. He started regretting ever telling Sirius about Fenrir, it what caused more grief than what Fenrir is worth. Suffering in silence was his preferred method of dealing with it, despite knowing it wasn’t healthy. All the questions that came along with Sirius knowing about it got under Remus’ skin, he kept telling his ex that he would tell him everything when he was ready but Sirius has his own ideas, as usual.

“How do you know that Sirius?” Remus questioned. The thing was, Remus knew no matter what he said, he won’t be able to get it through Sirius’ thick head unless Sirius wanted it to. It was like he had a brick wall around his brain and won’t connect dots unless it’s what he desires. Remus looked at Sirius in the eyes, his gaze cold as ever. “How do you know that Fenrir isn’t my dad?”

“Because I’ve met your dad, multiple times, I’ve seen your baby pictures too.” Sirius scoffed and broke the eye contact. That logic was hard to fault, Sirius had been to his parents’ house in Wales multiple times. His mother liked to show off all the photos of him as a child, probably him as an adult too, to anyone who passes by it seemed. Hope, his mother, was extremely proud of Remus for what he believed was no reason. Sirius took a deep breath, probably trying to calm himself down. “Also, I don’t know because you don’t tell me anything.”

“So don’t assume you know shit, when you don’t,” Remus seethed. 

“Let me fucking in and I will know shit,” Sirius shouted. 

Remus was tired of this, he just wanted to have a cup of tea before he went to sleep but now he just wanted to go to bed. “This conversation is over.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I don’t feel like arguing with you.”

“You think I enjoy this?”

“Why do you do it then?”

“Because this is the only way I can get you to talk to me.”

“That’s not true.”

“You say ‘you can just ask me’ but whenever I do ask, you shut it down.”

“It’s my personal life and I should decide who, what and when I tell.”

“It’s not an honest relationship.”

Remus groaned, he wanted to hit his head against the kitchen counter. It was so frustrating that Sirius kept going on about honesty and trust which Remus broke, but he didn’t mean to break it. If he had known where he and Sirius stood back in March, he wouldn’t have even gave Kingsley the time of day. “And you’re back to this.”

“Back to what?” Sirius narrowed his eyes.

“How I cheated,” he sighed.

“I’m not back to that.” Sirius took a deep breath and paced around the kitchen. Neither of them spoke as Remus poured the water into his mug and found a tea bag as he didn’t have the energy to make a whole pot of tea. Sirius stopped pacing after what felt like five minutes and faced Remus. “I am sorry for what I said about you and Fenrir and there is no excuse for it.”

“But?” Remus questioned, raising a brow at him while taking a sip of tea. 

“No but,” Sirius shook his head. “It’s not an apology if you have a but.” 

“I forgive you.” Remus sighed, he had forgiven him before the argument had started but for some reason he couldn’t back down. 

Sirius rubbed his face in his palms. “I know it’s not an eye for an eye, but how am I supposed to know how things impact you if you don’t tell me?”

“Commonsense,” Remus shrugged.

“Right,” Sirius said before walking down the hallway.

⁂

Remus sighed as pushed the front door open to his home with his shoulder as he was carrying two bags of groceries in his hands. To his surprise Sirius was dancing with a young girl to 60s music. The girl froze when she spotted Remus and blushed, Sirius spun around with a smile on his face.

The argument they had in the kitchen happened only fourteen hours ago, yet Sirius had been acting completely normal about it. As if nothing had happened, which was Sirius’ classic deflection mode. Despite it annoying Remus at times, he didn’t mind it when he had no desire of picking up the conversation from where it left off. Fenrir was one of those conversations he didn’t want to go near with a ten foot pole.

“Hi,” Sirius continued to smile at him. It seemed to be one of Sirius’ good days, which meant that Remus could relax a little more around him. Not that he was ever on edge around him, but when Sirius isn’t having a good day it is like he shuts down. 

The Christmas after Sirius’ 16th was an absolute nightmare, from the bits and pieces of information he’s gathered about that night. James had told him about the state Sirius was when he turned up at his place at 1am in the morning, after catching a bus from London to Bristol. Apparently, he had been bruised and burned. Sirius didn’t like talking about the night, but he had mentioned that his father had choked him and beat him with a cricket bat.

It all happened because he was gay and at the time, dating Remus. They had been on the phone talking to each other, rather innocently, but Orion had been listening to them on the other handset. Remus had mentioned something about if it was possible if Sirius could come to stay for a few days at The Valleys, where he lived in Wales, and they could on a date to the movies. When Sirius had agreed, Orion started yelling down the phone line and then hung up so Remus didn’t overhear any of it.

The day after, James had rang Remus and told him what had happened. Hope drove Remus down to Bristol the same day because of how emotional he was over it. Remus blamed himself for it, he still does blame himself, they usually spoke in codes when organising dates but he had forgotten. Two days later, Remus had broken up with Sirius because he felt so shit about what he had caused.

Regardless of the fact that it happened almost a decade ago, Sirius still wasn’t coping with what had happened. There were weeks when he would completely shut down, like there were lights on but no one was home. When Sirius gets really bad, which is when he is stressed, Remus stays by his side only ever leaving to go to the toilet. A few time Sirius had called Remus in tears not knowing where he was or how he got there. In those moments, Remus always tried to stay calm, though his mind was always racing what felt like 1000 miles an hour. 

“Hi,” Remus smiled back. He walked across the flat and put the grocery bags down on the kitchen counter. 

“This is my cousin, Nymphadora. We’re babysitting her,” Sirius introduced the girl, Nymphadora. “This is Remus, my flatmate.”

Nymphadora was smaller than Sirius by a head, her hair was dyed bubblegum pink and was styled in mini twists. Remus wondered if she was allowed to have hair dyed like that at her school.

“Hi Remus,” she smiled.

After Remus had unpacked the groceries, Sirius had managed to convince him to take them to the pub. At first Remus disagreed because why would they take a child to a pub, but Sirius ended up using his puppy dog eyes which made it virtually impossible to say no to. 

Sirius has gone up to the bar to order the drinks, Remus had given him 20 quid to cover them. Sirius had quickly dropped their two cokes off (since Remus was the designated driver) before going back to the bar to talk to Emmeline since she was working.

Remus took a sip of his coke, looking across at the kid in front of him. He was a little pissed off that Sirius had dumped his cousin with him, it wasn’t his responsibility to look after her. Yet, Sirius did what he wanted to do, like usual. 

“How old are you?” Remus asked, trying to start a conversation with Nymphadora. There had been an awkward silence between them since neither knew each other. 

“Thirteen,” Nymphadora said while swirling her paper straw in her Coke. Remus wanted to say something about if she keeps playing with it, her straw will fall apart in her drink but kept his mouth shut. 

He frowned. “What year is that?”

“I’ll be in year nine when school starts again,” she shrugged, before taking a sip of her drink. “What year are you in?”

“I finished roughly seven years ago,” Remus chuckled, amused that she thought he was still in school. While he had been told he hasn’t aged since he was 18, he didn’t think he looked young enough to be in school. Despite looking like a kid, his height gave him the advantage of not being carded as most people assume a 6’5 guy would be over 18, which was flawed logic. 

“So you’re an adult?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“You’ve got a funny accent, where are you from?”

“The Valleys in Wales,” Remus chuckled, amused that she thought that Welsh accents were funny. “You?”

“Chelsea, London.” she shrugged. It didn’t surprise Remus that she lived there, he knew that Sirius’ family well-off and somehow royalty. Sirius had explained their actual relation to the monarch once but it just confused him, it had to do with Queen Victoria in some way. “My dad is Malawian.”

Remus had no idea where Malawi was besides that it was in Africa. Geography wasn’t his strong point growing up. “Oh, that’s cool.”

Nymphadora nodded in agreement before looking back at her coke. “Do you have a job?” 

“I’m in a band with Sirius.” 

“What type of music do you play?”

“Sort of alternative.”

“Do you play an instrument?”

“Bass.”

“Bass players have really big hands, did you know?”

“I have been told.”

“How big are they compared to mine?” Nymphadora asked holding her palm up straight. Remus wiped the condensation off his hand onto his jeans before holding his hand up against hers. Her fingers just came up to the joints of where proximal and middle phalanges. “Why are they so big?”

“Probably because the rest of me is big?” Remus shrugged. “I never really thought about it.”

Her eyes narrowed as she pulled her hand away. “Does that mean you have big feet?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Is it annoying? Do you have to get special shoes?”

“Not really.”

“Have you ever met someone taller than you?”

“Probably, don’t really remember.”

“How tall is Sirius compared to you?”

“He’s up to my chin.”

“So how tall is that?”

“I don’t know, average height,” Remus shrugged. He spotted Sirius at the jukebox, which was hardly ever used by anyone but staff. _ Suspicious Minds _ by Elvis Presley started playing as Sirius walked over to them. “Here he comes, you should ask.”

Sirius pulled out the seat between Remus and Nymphadora. He took a sip of his vodka RedBull that was half empty. “What are you two talking about?”

“How tall are you?” Nymphadora asked, looking at her cousin curiously. 

“5’10,” Sirius shared.

“Small,” Remus smirked, knowing that it would get under Sirius’ skin.

Sirius narrowed his eyes unamused at the comment. “I’m above average height, thank you very much.”

“I’m just teasing you,” Remus smiled across at Sirius, who returned one back. Though Remus had been on the receiving end of Sirius’ smiles for years, his stomach still did a flip. It was hard not to feel like a love struck teenager whenever his body reacted this way.

“Did you know he has big feet?” Nymphadora chimed in on the conversation. 

“Big feet means big d-” Sirius started to say dick but Remus kicked him under the table to stop. Nymphadora’s almost black eyes went wide and she quickly looked at the table, trying to not get caught blushing in embarrassment. Not only did Remus not want his dick to be talked about in general, but in front of an actual kid was even more inappropriate. Nymphadora really didn’t need to know it. “Shoes, big shoes.” 

“Are you okay?” Remus asked Sirius when he pushed out his chair and stood up.

“Fine, I’m fine.” Sirius smiled, Remus could tell it was fake. “I’m gonna go check the match score.”

“Of course,” Remus rolled his eyes. 

When Sirius ‘checked’ the football score, he always ended up watching the entire match. Remus didn’t mind that Sirius liked football, despite the fact that he was more a rugby fan, he actually quite liked listening to Sirius get excited over it. The thing that annoyed Remus was that when Sirius dragged him out to bars under the pretence that they would be spending time together. That was another problem in their relationship, Sirius leaving Remus alone in bars or gatherings so he could watch the football. If Sirius just straight out asked Remus if they could go to the pub to watch the match, he would be a lot less annoyed with it. Instead of being ditched by Sirius whenever he got the chance.

Remus knew that his feelings about Sirius leaving him places alone probably originated from Fenrir. Now that he actually thought about it, nearly all his issues originated from that man. His feelings towards Fenrir were complicated as well, while he wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, there was still an attachment. In the back of his mind, he would always be a 10 year old waiting for Fenrir to pick him up from school and take him to the park. 

The last time Remus saw Fenrir, he was 10 and Fenrir has taken him to the library to look at books. While he wasn’t allowed to borrow anything, probably so that his parents didn’t know he was hanging out with Fenrir, Fenrir had read him _ The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe _ by C. S. Lewis. When they left the library, Remus had asked next week when they see each other if Fenrir could teach him how to skateboard, which he agreed. As Fenrir said goodbye to him, he hugged him a bit longer and kissed his forehead. The week later, Remus sat outside school until dark waiting for Fenrir to turn up but never did.

Hope and Lyall were furious when they found him sitting on the steps outside the school hall. In the car on the way home from school, his mum had given him a strict talking to about how he had disobeyed the rules about Fenrir multiple times. His dad tried to explain to Hope that if they never explain why he isn’t allowed to see him that he will keep on doing it, but his mum still refused to tell. Remus knew he should be upset about breaking the rules but he was far more upset that Fenrir never showed up.

Remus continued waiting each week for Fenrir to show up, only to leave after an hour knowing that he wouldn’t. It wasn’t until he was 15 he had found out it was because Fenrir had gone to jail for larceny for three years. While it explained why he hadn’t come to pick him up ever again, it still hurt. Fenrir choosing his lifestyle over Remus, impacted him more than he cared to admit. He secretly misses the bittersweetness of being unaware of what Fenrir is. 

“What?” Sirius frowned. Sirius’ eyes were suddenly cold and Remus swore he could see Sirius thinking, most likely about how to start an argument about it. 

“Nothing, Sirius,” Remus brushed it off, not wanting to argue in public or in front of Sirius’ cousin. It seemed like such a silly thing to have an argument about regardless, Remus would much prefer to compartmentalise it. 

“Fine, if you’re not gonna tell me who pissed in your Coke,” Sirius huffed and walked away. There was a room off to the side that had a TV in it, which was where everyone watched the game. 

Nymphadora looked at Remus carefully. “Are you two married?” 

“No,” Remus laughed. “Why would you think that?”

“My mum gets annoyed when my dad would rather watch a match than spend time with her,” she explained while picking at the yellow nail polish on her index finger.

Remus had to hand it to her, her reasoning did make sense. He shook his head. “No, it’s just rude to leave you with me when he is the one supposed to be babysitting.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?” she queried.

“Because I really don’t feel like having an argument with him in front of everyone.”

“Do you two fight a lot?”

“Sort of.” he ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. Sitting at a table and talking to a 13 year old girl until the football was over didn’t interest Remus at all, he had to come up with an idea that would keep them both entertained. “Since Sirius has fucked off, do you want to play pool?”

“I don’t know how to play,” Nymphadora admitted.

“I can teach you, if you want,” Remus suggested.

She smiled. “Sure.”

“Get your drink and follow me,” he said getting up from the table and walking towards the pool table. 

Remus put their drinks on a table close to where they were standing before explaining to Nymphadora what the rules were and how to play. Lucky for him, she seemed to pick it up fairly easily; he figured it was beginners luck. The game was relaxed, he was going easy on her since it was her first time and he actually wanted something to do while waiting for Sirius.

“What’s your band called?” Nymphadora asked after sinking her first ball, they had been playing for almost ten minutes at that point. Remus had purposely not sunk anything until she did first, he was also relatively sure that she knew what he was doing. 

“The Marauders,” Remus answered, carefully lining up his cue.

She looked at him confusedly. “I don’t know what that means.”

“Sort of troublemakers,” he tried to explain. 

“Why didn’t you go with troublemakers?” she tilted her head.

“You will have to ask Sirius that, as it’s his band,” he laughed as he sunk his first ball.

Five minutes or so later, Sirius came sauntering over without a drink in his hand. By then, Remus had sunk another ball but Nymphadora hadn’t. 

“Fucking hell, I thought you had left without me,” Sirius said sitting down at the table which had Remus and Nymphadora’s Cokes on it.

“No, still here,” Remus shook his head as he watched Nymphadora sink her second ball, she gave him a high-five excitedly. 

“The game just finished, so I’m happy to leave whenever you two want to,” Sirius explained. 

Remus didn’t want to sound bitter, but it was hard to not get annoyed at Sirius sometimes. Swanning off to watch a football match and leaving his cousin that_ he _ was meant to be babysitting with Remus, then expecting to leave once it was over. “We’re in the middle of a pool game,” Remus said, looking over at Sirius. 

“No, I know. Just tell me when you want to leave and we can,” Sirius smiled kindly, this time it wasn’t a fake smile but was genuine. Remus was suspicious about it to say the least. 

“What's got you in such a good mood?” Remus asked as he raised a brow at him. 

“Chelsea won.”

“That explains it.”

“Arsenal is better,” Nymphadora chimed in.

“It does have arse in the name,” Remus smirked at Sirius.

“I don’t like every arse.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Take yours for example.”

“You love my arse and you know it,” Remus laughed. 

“Keep on telling yourself that,” Sirius rolled his eyes laughing. 

“I will,” Remus purposely bent over in a particular way that showed off his arse to Sirius, who chuckled and shook his head in return. 

When Sirius was in a good mood, Remus always found it hard to not cross the line. It wasn’t because he forgets that Sirius has shit days and doesn’t want to put up with them, or anything like that. Sirius in a good mood was flirtatious and affectionate, the lines were constantly blurred between them. Also, for once it didn’t feel like he was somehow taking advantage of Sirius in some way; which he had felt before.

The first time Sirius had called Remus crying not knowing where he was, when they got home Sirius had pulled him into a kiss. The naïvity of 19 year old Remus not only allowed it, but letting it go further. A day after, he realised what he did was wrong and had vowed to himself he would never get back together or sleep with him while he’s in that state. 

After Remus had his turn at pool, which he just missed out on sinking a ball, Sirius grabbed his belt loop and pulled him back. Sirius pulled him Remus into a hug and wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head against his shoulder. “Moons.”

“Hey, you okay?” Remus asked stroking the back of Sirius’ hair. Sometimes this happened, they would be having a good time until suddenly Sirius’ mood would drop dramatically. When it happens, Remus always tries to be patient with him, it wasn’t his fault. 

“I’m fine,” Sirius sighed.

“You sure? We can go home if you want,” Remus pressed a kiss onto Sirius’ temple. 

“Just wanted a hug,” Sirius shrugged.

“If you want to go home, we can,” Remus repeated, wanting Sirius to feel comfortable enough to tell him that.

Sirius shook his head and pulled back. “No I’m fine, I’m just…” 

“Touch starved?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Something like that,” Sirius jumped off the bar chair, as if he wasn’t just vulnerable. “I’m gonna get another drink, do you two want anything?”

Remus checked his phone to see what time it was, being that it was only 15:28 he decided he could have a beer and be okay to drive. At least he hoped he would, if it came down to it they would get an Uber and pick it up tomorrow. Not that he would get drunk off one beer. “Can I actually have a beer?”

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his younger cousin. “You, kiddo?”

“I’ll have whatever Remus is having.” Nymphadora smiled, Sirius shook his head and laughed as he turned around to walk over to the bar. 

Sirius came back over, with a girl following behind him, a Guinness, Coke and a vodka RedBull in his hands. The fact that Sirius has large hands, albeit not as big as Remus’, probably made it easier to carry. The girl took Sirius’ vodka RedBull from his hands and put it on the table. “Your beer,” Sirius passed Remus his beer, before passing Nymphadora her’s. “And your coke.”

Remus noticed the girl sit at the table with Sirius, she was rather attractive. Not his usual type, which was black hair and grey eyes, but she had hazel eyes and brown hair. She had a pink drink in her hand and was looking at Remus curiously. Motioning towards the girl with his head, Remus asked, “Who is your new friend?” 

“Oh, this is Hestia. She’s a fan,” Sirius smiled at him. 

A few hours later, Hestia was under Remus with her head tilted back and moans escaping her lips. After they had both came, Remus quickly got changed and went home. It seemed inappropriate to have brought her back to his and Sirius’ place while there was a kid there, so they had gone back to hers.

Remus had told Hestia that he would call her, knowing that he probably wouldn’t do so. Part of his brain felt like an arse about it, but the other part was telling him that she knew he wasn’t going to call. 


	5. How Deep is Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter’s song: how deep is your love by bee gees]
> 
> And you come to me on a summer breeze  
Keep me warm in your love then you softly leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE!! there is a conversation about a suicide attempt between dorcas and remus, so if that triggers you, you can skim that without missing out on much. i tried to keep it non-graphic.

Remus sat on the couch watching _ John Wick. _He didn’t really know what was happening in the movie but he did know that Keanu Reeves in a suit was hot. 

In his lap, he had a bowl of popcorn with cinnamon and icing sugar on it. It was sickly sweet but that’s why Remus liked it. When Remus was a kid, his dad used to make it for them every movie night (which was mainly Friday). Each week they would take turns in picking a movie unless it was one of their birthdays. Since Hope worked as a nurse at the hospital nearby, it was just him and Lyall most of the time. 

A week had passed since they had babysat Nymphadora, and since then Sirius had been distant. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to back off when they either got too close or if Remus slept with someone else. Remus figured that Sirius was spending his time underneath Gideon, probably telling him all the things he once told Remus. 

Just as the credits started rolling, Sirius walked into their flat with vodka, a dog bowl and bed in his arms. By the two bottles in his arms, Remus assumed it meant people were coming over. “James, Lily, Dorc and Marley are coming over.”

“No Benj and Em?” Remus asked as he watched Sirius put the vodka on the dining table. He silently admired the view of Sirius in olive green trousers and a grey t-shirt, which he weirdly looked great in.

Sirius shook his head firmly while walking into the kitchen and putting the metal bowl down. “Nope, they’re having a date night or something. So they’re politely telling us they’re going to be fucking all night.”

“Not all dates end in sex.” Remus watched Sirius walk back to the dining table and picked up the bed. It looked like a miniature couch and on the more expensive side. He put the bed down against the side of the couch that wasn’t near the smoking window.

“All the dates I've had did.”

“We haven’t fucked after every date.”

“You and I don’t go on dates.”

“Yes, we have. Usually, if I pay for you, it’s a date.”

“Usually?”

“I mean a few times I have paid for you and it’s not been a date, but most of the time it is,” Remus explained. “Another one is if it’s planned out in advance, like not a spontaneous thing.”

Sirius’ grey eyes went wide. “Shit, we’ve been on a lot of dates.”

“You don’t say.”

“You paid for my drink last week.”

“That’s different. One, it was spontaneous. Two, we weren’t alone. Three, you also have a boyfriend.”

“I’ve got another thing to get, be right back,” Sirius said quickly before running out the door. When Sirius came back inside, he was carrying a black dog like a small child with two bags of groceries hanging off his arms. 

Sirius carefully put the dog down, which appeared to be some sort of black German Shepherd. He walked over to the kitchen and started unpacking dog food and toys.

“That’s a dog,” Remus said as the dog walked up to him and started sniffing his legs. The fact that Sirius impulsively bought a dog was very him but also a little annoying, considering he didn’t ask Remus. They lived together, they should make these decisions together instead of randomly springing it on him.

“Yeah, I know,” Sirius smiled.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Sirius, why do you have a dog?”

“I was at the shelter, you know how sometimes I just go to look at them,” Sirius said as he walked from the kitchen to where Remus and the dog were standing. He crouched down next to the dog and put a rainbow nylon collar around the neck. Despite being annoyed at Sirius, he wanted to laugh at the fact he got him a gay collar. “Well, I couldn’t just leave him there.”

“You could,” Remus said. As much as he felt bad for the dog living at a shelter, he felt Sirius didn’t have to get him. The dog looked young, surely someone else would’ve bought him. Sirius could’ve even come home and asked Remus about getting a dog, instead of doing it impulsively. There were other options, steps he could have taken before this. 

“His name is Snuffles,” Sirius continued pretending that Remus didn’t make that comment. “Pat him, please? I don’t want him to think you hate him.”

“Getting a dog, a shepherd no less wasn’t a good idea. We live in a flat and travel for work,” Remus knelt anyways and patted the dog. Snuffles’ fur was long and dense, his eyes were a warm brown. The closer he got to Snuffles, the more Remus thought he looked less like a German Shepherd. “What are you going to do with him when we go to Wales next week?”

“Take him with us,” Sirius said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Next weekend it was Hope’s birthday. Remus had managed to convince his parents to let Sirius come with him. They probably agreed because it was a way to get him to come home. He rarely went home, mainly because there was nothing to do other than hang out with his parents. After he went to Hogwarts most of his friends from his town stopped talking to him. He also figured the rumours about Fenrir made parents wary of letting their kids near Remus, not that he blamed them for that.

“Fucking hell.” Remus rolled his eyes as he sat down on the floor properly to pat Snuffles. “Where will he sleep?”

“With me,” Sirius shrugged.

“Of course.” Remus scratched Snuffles behind his pointy ears, which made him wag his tail excitedly. “Where else would he sleep?”

“Are you annoyed at me?”

“Sirius, you should’ve at least asked me.”

“I thought you liked dogs.”

“I do, just we live in an apartment.”

“I was thinking…” Sirius trailed off, sitting down on the other side of Snuffles. His fingers ran through the thick black hair down the sides of their new dog, who seemed to be enjoying himself a lot.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Thinking what?” 

“Maybe we should move somewhere smaller? I mean all five of us moved here, it’s only us two now,” Sirius shrugged.

“Are you kicking me out?” 

“What? No. Obviously, we would still live together but like a have a home rather than a flat.”

Remus’ heart started to beat faster, the idea of them getting a home together was exciting. They had been living together for years, while he loved the flat it wasn’t his dream home. It didn’t have to be luxurious or anything like that, just a nice place where he could easily live forever. A thought tugged in his mind about them living together as a couple, rather than just flatmates, despite them not being together. Coming home to Sirius every night, sleeping with him every night, actually being _ together _. Not wanting to get his hopes up or his fantasies getting the best of him, he let them slip out of his mind. Remus sighed. “Alright, you can look into it if you want.”

“You’re not against it?” Sirius cocked his head.

Remus bit his lip in thought, trying to not give away everything he had just thought about. Sirius, gaze automatically fell onto his mouth. “I mean as much as I love this place, I don’t exactly want to be living here for the rest of my life.”

“Okay.” Sirius smiled genuinely. 

“What breed is he?” Remus asked.

“Groenendael, it’s a type of Belgian Shepherd,” Sirius started saying before the doorbell rang. He jumped off the floor and opened their front door, Dorcas and Marlene came in holding hands and a bottle of tequila.

Dorcas and Marlene had been the last two to get together, while in Hogwarts they weren’t really friends since Marlene was much more a snob than the rest of them. Two years ago Sirius had bumped into Marlene at ASDA and invited her over to one of James and Lily’s dinner parties. Her and Dorcas hit it off straight away and a week later they were moving in together. 

“Oh my fucking god, A DOG!” Marlene squealed running over to Snuffles, who was excitedly wagging his tail at the visitors. She held her hand out for him to sniff, which he did before walking over to her. “What’s their name?”

“His name is Snuffles,” Sirius supplied while Dorcas kissed Sirius’ cheek as a hello.

“Hi Snuffles, you’re the only boy I love,” Marlene said patting Snuffles. 

“Well, there goes my girlfriend for the night,” Dorcas laughed looking at Marlene.

Sirius laughed. “If he goes missing, I know where to look.”

“Hey babes,” Dorcas held out her hand to help Remus get off the hardwood floors. When he stood up, she looked him up and down. “Great look.”

“I had no idea people were coming over until a few moments ago,” he tried to explain the lack of shirt and the joggers he was wearing, she just raised an eyebrow at him not believing a word he said. “I’m going to get dressed and then I’ll say hello properly.”

Remus excused himself from the group and walked into his bedroom. He found black jeans on the floor that looked clean and a white album t-shirt of _ Closer _ by Joy Division sitting on his dresser. After deciding they smelled mostly clean, he put them on and sprayed some deodorant in hopes that it would cover the smell of there was one. Remus’ style was much more casual than Sirius’ who mainly wore button-ups and trousers. 

When Remus stepped outside of his bedroom, Lily was waiting outside leaning against the wall. She and James must’ve arrived while Remus was in his bedroom getting changed.

“Hey, love. How are you?” Lily smiled kindly as she took a sip of the pink coloured drink she was holding.

“I’m fine,” Remus smiled back at her. “What about you?”

“I’m okay. Can we talk?” she asked looking down the hallway to the living room, checking if anyone was around.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. He was relatively sure it was going to be something about what she saw but wasn’t entirely certain. “Uh, yeah, sure?”

“So, how are you?” she asked squeezing his bicep before letting her arm drop to her side.

“I said I’m fine,” he continued to furrow his eyebrows.

“I know, but it’s just us. After what happened the other day…”

“I’m doing fine. Are you okay?”

“Not really. I fucking think about it all the time.” she sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “Who was it?”

“Owen Driscoll. He was a kid I went to school with.” Remus ran his fingers through his hair, pushing the curls that hung over his eyes back.

“How did you end up with his teeth and a picture of a dead body?” Lily asked.

“I’m sure you’ve heard about Fenrir.”

“I thought Sirius was just being a dick.”

“He was but there is some truth behind it. I’m not friends with him or anything, just I do know him,” Remus explained to her. “Or at least I used to.”

“Greyback killed him?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did you have it?”

“That box, he gave it to me to keep safe, I just never opened it.”

“Why didn’t you open it until then?”

“I was scared that my fears about him would turn out right. Also, I trusted him for such a long time…” Remus tried to explain without letting her know too much. Words travels around fast in their friendship group because they tell their partners everything that goes on. “He also sort of threatened to kill me if I did open it.”

Lily took out the straw from her drink and took two large mouthfuls of it. “Fucking hell.”

“This is a mess.”

“I just have so many questions.”

“I know.”

“Who is he to you?”

“Just someone I used to know.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“I’m not ready to answer that.”

“Did he… touch you?” Lily stepped closer and whispered. 

“No,” Remus shook his head. “He never hurt me physically or anything.”

“Do you know why?” she asked, still whispering.

“Not really, no,” Remus embellished the truth. There were theories of his to why Fenrir didn’t do anything to him; the main one being that he used Remus to find his victims. When Fenrir took Remus to places as a kid, it would give him not only a cover of why he was around children but also options of the next child. Another one of his theories which feed into the main one was if Fenrir did do the things he did to other children to Remus, he would no longer have a child he could use to go to those places relatively unnoticed. 

Sirius came over to them, holding a drink similar to Lily’s. His lips were pinker than usual, probably from the food colouring. Remus wondered if his mouth tasted like the drink, he wanted to kiss him to find out. “What are you two gossiping about?” Sirius asked.

“The teeth Greyback gave Remus,” Lily explained, Sirius just looked at her confused. 

“What teeth?” Sirius asked Remus.

“Just, Shark teeth,” Remus lied.

“Shark teeth?” Sirius raised his eyebrows. Lily looked down at the floor when Sirius tried to meet her gaze, she was usually the first one to crack with secrets because she was so pure at heart and couldn’t lie to her friends.

Remus shrugged, trying to think of another excuse that made sense. “Yeah. He once took me to an aquarium.”

“That is a fucking lie, I know it is.”

“So?”

“So, tell me what happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“Greyback gave Remus teeth of a person he killed. I was with him when the police came,” Lily described the situation, Remus groaned. 

“What?” Sirius met Remus’ eyes. “Why didn’t you get me?”

“Because I didn’t want to interrupt you and your _ boyfriend_,” Remus justified yet had venom in the word boyfriend. While Remus tried to be happy for Sirius, he couldn’t, he hated the fact that Sirius was seeing someone else. 

“Fucking hell, Remus, I would’ve still come home,” Sirius bit back. It was like Sirius was offended that he chose Lily over him, which wasn’t even correct. Remus would have preferred it to be Sirius, he didn’t know how to trust him.

“You also made it clear that you think we’re friends,” Remus ran his hand through his hair, again.

“We _ are _ friends.” Sirius frowned.

“I mean Greyback and me,” he corrected. “I didn’t want you to take it out of context and use it against me whenever you like.”

“Is that really what you think of me? That I would use something like that against you?” Sirius leered. As the conversation went on, Remus could tell Sirius was getting more upset.

“Yes because you have in the past.”

“You can trust me.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “We’re not having this fight again.”

“I’m not trying to have a fight with you,” Sirius groaned in frustration. “I’m just telling you, you can trust me.”

“I’m going to have a fag,” Remus announced before walking away from Sirius and Lily. On Remus’ way to the smoking window, he picked up his tobacco case and lighter. 

Earlier that day, Remus spent his time rolling a few cigarettes so he wouldn’t have to do it later. He pulled one out and lit it. Dorcas came over to the window with a smile on her face, she was wearing an orange floral dress and glitter lipgloss. “Hey babes.”

“Hi,” Remus smiled at her. 

“Scoot,” she nudged his elbow before passing him a glass of scotch. Remus moved around the ledge so that he was facing her. “I got you a drink too.”

“Thanks,” he said putting the glass on the ledge. Benjy’s dad, Omar, had made an extension off the windowsill so they could put drinks on while they had a smoke. It was fairly small, no bigger than a ruler and was built into the wall. 

“Everything okay?” Dorcas asked, pulling out a cigarette from behind her ear before using Remus’ lighter. 

“I’m fine,” Remus smiled as he rested his head against the windowpane. 

Overall, Remus was okay, while he wasn’t in his ideal headspace, considering everything, he definitely wasn’t in the worst. There had been times in his life when he felt a lot worse, the main one that stuck out was when he found out about Fenrir. Lyall ended up driving to Scotland and took him home for two weeks. During those two weeks, he barely ate and left his bed, he completely withdrew himself. Throughout those two weeks, he had thought that it would’ve been easier to die, despite all those thoughts, there was no intention behind them.

“You’re allowed to not be okay,” she smiled at him, her dark eyes were kind and warm.

Remus sighed after taking a drag from his cigarette. “Dorc, I’m fine.”

“Remus, we all love you and we want to help. After what happened to Sirius a few years back, you’ll tell us if you ever get to that place?” She frowned.

It was New Year’s Eve in 2014, they had all gone out to a bar. Sirius has stayed home because he said he was sick when they left, Remus felt uneasy but brushed it off. Just before midnight, Remus decided to go home because he could tell something was wrong. When he got home, he found Sirius sitting on the floor outside his bedroom door with his legs brought up to his chest, he was crying. The moment Remus noticed a belt, he called an ambulance while staying with Sirius.

“Really, I am fine,” he forced a smile on his face, it wasn’t completely fake but also wasn’t genuine. Despite the picture and the teeth, which was truly horrifying, it didn’t completely surprise Remus. The mentality ‘shit happens and you move on’ was what he was trying to embody even though the picture of Owen was burned inside his brain and clinging onto his thoughts. “I appreciate the concern, but I am fine.”

Dorcas took a drag of her cigarette. “Okay.”

Remus sighed, looking around the room, his and Sirius’ gaze met before Sirius quickly looked away, like he had been talking about him to Lily. “Is everyone talking about me?”

“More or less, but it’s because we’re concerned.” she rested her head in the palm of her hands “After Sirius…”

“I know,” Remus said.

“I hate bringing that up because I know how much that impacted you but you’ve been getting distant and further away from Sirius.” Dorcas rubbed her forehead sighing. “We’re just…”

“I know,” he repeated. After Remus had found Sirius on NYE, it sent him into another spiral. He felt like he had failed Sirius and wanted to help but didn’t know how. While he was glad that he had found Sirius while still alive, he couldn’t stop thinking about the what if’s. What if he decided to not go home? What if he had stayed for one more drink? What if he was in Wales? What if he got food on the way home? What if he missed the tube? Finding Sirius in that state broke Remus’ heart, especially since they hadn’t been talking since Christmas Eve. They fought because Remus had invited a guy to come over on Christmas dinner, Sirius was pissed because it was a holiday they spent together and was meant for family. The night involved them sitting in a room while a doctor looked over Sirius’ physical health, there had been ligature marks and minor bruising but that was all. After that, there was a mental health professional that came in and talked to Sirius for hours. Remus had sat next to him the entire time, holding his hand and trying to make sure he was comfortable. Sirius spent the next month sleeping next to Remus, every night he cried himself to sleep. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. “But really, don’t worry about me.”

⁂

After a few hours and many drinks later, Lily decided to play a truth drinking card game, which was never going to end well. Drinking games never did when Remus and Sirius were involved. They had been playing it for almost an hour and Remus felt like he was the drunkest, as he didn’t care for winning as much as everyone else did.

Everyone sat around the coffee table, Sirius and Remus were sitting on the floor with their back to the TV, James and Lily were sitting on one end of their couch and Dorcas and Marlene were sitting at the other edge. Snuffles had curled up beside Remus, with his head resting on his lap. _ Better the Devil You Know _by Kylie Minogue was in the background, since Sirius had his playlist on that had every single song he liked on it. 

Marlene picked up a card from the pile in the middle and started shaking with laughter, despite no sound actually coming out of her mouth. “James,” she stared at him, trying to intimidate him but started laughing again. After a deep inhale of air, trying to calm herself down, she rubbed her tears away with the palm of her hand. “Have you ever had a sex dream about one of your friends? If so, explain it in detail.” 

“Oh fuck.” James groaned, throwing his head back and splaying his fingers over his eyes. Everyone had their gaze on him. He sat back up and took a look at the shot, picked up the vodka bottoms ready to pour himself a shot but put it back down. After all, James was competitive and the aim of the game was to be the least drunk and the most cards. “I was sitting in an empty bath with Remus, Benj and Sirius. I can’t really remember why but I just started to suck Remus’ dick. Sirius and Benjy were also fucking next to us.”

“_You _ had a gay orgy?” Marlene raised her eyebrow at him, probably not believing him but passing him the question card regardless. Out their friends, James was the most straight one, the most he had ever done was kiss Sirius as a dare.

“In my dreams, it wasn’t like I was actually having an orgy with them,” James put his hands up in defence as if Marlene had been accusing him of actually having a gay orgy. “Also, I doubt Sirius would let me go anywhere near Remus’ dick. Bro code and all.”

The corner of Sirius’ lips were curled up into a smirk. Remus could sense he was going to make some snide comment about his dick. “You can go near it if you want, I’d just be careful of gonorrhoea.” 

“Let’s forget about Sirius for a moment, I don’t want you near my dick.” Remus pointed at James, who put his hands back up in defence. He turned to Sirius, pointing at him. “Also, don’t make up shit about me just because your boyfriend doesn’t know how to make you cum.”

Everyone at the table went silent and wide-eyed, purposely avoiding Sirius and Remus’ gaze. Nobody knew what to say. The silence was becoming suffocating since nobody wanted to be the first person to talk. Remus grabbed the tequila bottle and poured himself a shot and took it.

James coughed awkwardly before picking up a card on the deck. “Moving on. Sirius, have you ever had a threesome?” 

“A few times.” Sirius shrugged, looking down at his hands. 

“With who?” he asked, despite probably knowing it was Remus. 

A few times in Remus and Sirius’ early 20s, they had tried threesomes while together. Once with a girl, twice with men. They weren’t spectacular, considering they were drunk all three times. When they had a threesome with the girl, it was the worst one as Sirius wasn’t into it at all despite it being his idea. He wanted to give Remus a good time but he didn’t enjoy it, Remus ended up stopping it because he could tell how uncomfortable Sirius was. In the end, the girl went home and they just spent the night snogging since Sirius was not in the mood for anything more. The other two experiences were better, but nothing to write home about. 

“Remus, of course,” Sirius said snatching the card out of James’ hand.

James raised an eyebrow. “Details.” 

“That is all you’re getting.” Sirius shook his head. When Sirius picked up the card, his mouth twisted and made a clicking sound with his tongue. “Remus, what is something in your internet history that you would be embarrassed if someone ever saw?”

“Fuck.” Remus ran his fingers through his hair. There were a lot of things in his history that he wouldn’t want people to see, most of it being gay porn. Porn seemed like the most obvious answer and knowing Sirius, the answer probably wouldn’t be interesting enough to satisfy him. “After that interview where they mentioned people ship us, I might’ve looked into it and also read fanfiction.”

“You read fanfiction about us?” Sirius turned his face to see him, his lips curling back into a smile. 

“I was curious, so sue me,” he said while running his finger across the brim of the empty shot glass in front of him. _ At least he wasn’t still annoyed over the Gideon not being able to get him off comment _, Remus thought. Remus felt Sirius’ gaze on his hands when he reached to pick up the card, he chuckled at the card despite knowing the answer from everyone in the room. “Lily, who do you think is the biggest slag in this room?”

“You, without a doubt,” Lily smiled kindly as if she asked him how he was not that he slut.

“Thanks.” Remus threw the card at her.

Lily took a deep breath. Remus could tell she was going to go on an explanation of her answer as she was always the one trying to keep the peace between everyone. Also, she was probably trying to avoid another awkward moment. “I mean, Marley and Dorc have been together for a while, so have James and I. Naturally it’ll come down to you or Sirius, Sirius is more a serial dater while you have more casual sex.”

“I’m joking, I would be surprised if anyone here said someone else other than me,” Remus chuckled. 

Lily nodded before picking up the next card from the deck. A cruel grin grew on her face like she knew exactly who to ask the question to. “Dorcas, who was your first crush?”

Dorcas looked at the shot glass intently, possibly thinking whether the embarrassment of her first crush was worth it. “Sirius, briefly.”

“What?” Marlene gaped. Sirius stares at Dorcas in bewilderment, not knowing what to say. 

“Lily fucking asked me this on purpose,” Dorcas whined. “I mean it wasn’t like a full-on crush, but I thought he was cute. Dark hair, grey eyes, cheekbones. He’s an attractive guy.”

“Calm down there, love.” Remus narrowed his eyes at Dorcas. 

“I’m not hitting on him. I'm just saying, he isn’t ugly.” she let out an exasperated sigh. “After actually getting to know him, there is no way I would date him. Even if he was straight.”

“What the fuck? Why not?” Sirius asked, sounding offended.

“One, the welsh guy sitting next to you would have me hung and quartered,” Dorcas laughed. “Actually, I think he wants to kill everyone who even breathes in your direction.”

“I’m sitting right here and I do have a name,” Remus rolled his eyes. 

While Remus knew he did have a jealous side, he tried hard not to the jealous boyfriend or ex. Seeing Sirius with Gideon hurt, a lot, but he wouldn’t try to sabotage Sirius’ happiness. No matter how much he wanted to. There was a line and he didn’t want to cross it. Wrecking Sirius’ relationship would just make him not want to be anywhere near Remus. He knew Sirius could flirt with whoever he wanted, but in their friend group, there was a rule of no actual flirting with Sirius while Remus was around. Friends don’t flirt with their friend’s ex, or at least don’t do it in front of them. 

She ignored Remus’ comment and continued, “two, you’re an arsehole. I love you a lot but you’re a fucking arsehole. Are they good enough reasons for you?” Sirius shrugged in return as Dorcas grabbed the top card from the deck. “James, what do you think your parents’ favourite sex position is?”

“Fucking hell, I’m taking a shot,” James said, not hesitating to pick up the vodka bottle that sat next to the card deck. When James took the shot, his entire face scrunched up. Remus found it amusing that James was hopeless at doing them. “I do not want to think about that at all, let alone at their age.”

“Old people do have sex, James.” Marlene teased. 

James stuck his middle finger up at her in return for her comment before taking the next card. “Remus, what is the grossest thing you’ve done in bed?”

Out of the corner of Remus’ eye, he could see Sirius looking at him curiously. There had been multiple things Remus could mention, nearly all of them involved Sirius. After years of shagging, they both felt like they could trust each other with kinks and things that turned them on. There had been a few hits and misses, but none of them stood out as gross from Remus’ perspective. He sighed. “It depends on what everyone here considers gross. I’ve given Sirius a rim job, but I don’t consider it gross but all of you probably do.”

“What’s a rim job?” James asked. The naivety that James had surrounding sex made Remus jealous, there were a few things he had wished he never found out about. 

“Eating arse,” Marlene managed to say despite her laughing. 

“That is foul, oh my fucking god,” James pulled a disgusted face. “You’ve put your tongue in Sirius’ arse?”

“It wasn’t like he had taken a shit right before it and didn’t wipe,” Remus tried to explain, but James still looked completely grossed out.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Oh gee, thanks.”

“I’m saying that all the times I’ve done it, you’ve been clean down there,” Remus said. “I’m defending your arse and how clean it is.”

“All the times?” James went wide-eyed.

“I’ve done it a few times, to say the least,” Remus shrugged before grabbing a card off the pile, trying to move it off the subject of rim jobs. “Marlene, how do you really feel about anal?”

“Hm… I mean I would try it but it’s not high on my list,” Marlene shrugged and took a card off the pile. “Sirius, why did your last relationship end?”

“Am I allowed to answer that?” Sirius asked as he looked across at Remus. It wasn’t like Remus would straight out say no to it, it would make him look like a wanker. A bigger wanker than his friends already perceive him as.

While Remus didn’t want to talk about the cheating, he knew that they were never going to be able to move past it if Remus kept pretending it never happened. Maybe the first step to Sirius forgiving Remus was actually telling their friends what happened, even though it won’t go down well. Remus hopes they will at least try to hear his side of it.

“Why are you asking him?” Marlene raised her eyebrows, looking at Remus suspiciously as if he had done something bad. 

“It’s about both of us, isn’t it?” Sirius sighed.

“If you want to, you can,” Remus said. “I could do it if you want?”

“No, it’s okay. I can tell them, I’m going to take a shot first,” Sirius sighed grabbing the vodka bottle and taking a shot of it. When he took the shot, his face scrunched up; Remus felt bad that he thought Sirius looked adorable, especially since the topic at hand was about infidelity. “Remus cheated on me, I found out on his birthday.”

“What the fuck?” Lily’s mouth was agape, shocked at the revelation. Not that Remus blamed her, she always talked about how she thought he and Sirius were made for each other, despite all the obstacles. She was the one that kept telling them to sort their shit out and go to therapy.

Now that Remus thought of it, maybe couple’s therapy would be a good idea. It would give them a safe space to talk about everything they have done to one another and how to get past it. Remus didn’t want to have trust issues, he didn’t want to think Sirius would do certain things, he didn’t want to think that Sirius would rather be with someone else. Sirius probably wanted to move past the cheating as well, even if it meant they wouldn’t get back together. After the past ten years, at least they could find some middle ground and repair their relationship.

“I do want to say, I didn’t purposely cheat on him. We hadn’t been communicating properly, so I didn’t know we were exclusive, so to say,” Remus explained while pouring taking a sip of the Guinness that he had been drinking before the start of the game. After Lily’s reaction, he was no longer expecting his friends to try to understand why he did it. Remus always thought Lily was the only one that liked him, that was mainly because she used to fancy him. James was only friends with him because of the band and Sirius. Marlene and Dorcas were only friends with him because they wanted more LGBTQ friends and also, Sirius. He suspected all his friends only talked to him because of Sirius, now the truth was out in the open, he doubted that they would still want to be his friend. Remus sighed. “It wasn’t like a malicious thing, I didn’t do it to hurt him. I just wasn’t aware.”

“You weren’t aware you two were back together?” James seethed.

“I knew we were sort of together, but I didn’t know where we stood, _ exactly _. I didn’t know I was cheating on him until he called me out for it,” Remus desperately tried to explain his side of it.

“You kept telling people he was an arsehole for breaking up with you,” James folded his arms. It didn’t surprise Remus that James was on Sirius’ side, that’s where he always was. Sometimes Remus thought the way James saw Sirius was unhealthy, like some helpless child who didn’t know right from wrong. While it was partially true, it wasn’t completely. Sirius was an adult, he deserved to be treated like one.

“I mean he sort of is. He didn’t care about my side of it, he just got up and left.” Remus sighed deeply. 

“What the fuck do you expect him to do? Suck your dick for sleeping with someone?” Marlene questioned. While Remus knew in hindsight that how he thought that Sirius would be okay with it, he didn’t think he would be pleased. He wasn’t that naive. 

“Who was it?” Lily asked.

Remus shook his head. “Just some guy, no one you know.”

“Just some guy?” Sirius’ voice got deeper. Remus could tell that he was upset, his voice always changed when he was. “You had been sleeping with him the entire time and I found out because I saw the texts and the nudes.”

“You sent him nudes?” Marlene asked, her eyes wide like Bambi. 

“I know I fucked up, I am well aware of that,” Remus put his hands in front of his chest.

Sirius got up from the floor, carefully stepping around Remus trying not to wake Snuffles. “I’m going to bed.”

“Sirius.” Remus reached out for Sirius' hand but he pulled away.

“Thanks for coming over, I’ll see you later,” Sirius said as he walked down the hall. 

After everyone had left, Remus was feeling down. While he knew that his friends wouldn’t be okay with what he did to Sirius, no one wanted to hear him out. Everyone had made him out to be some arsehole who purposely hurt Sirius’ feelings, which he didn’t. 

Remus stumbled around the kitchen putting all the used cups, shot glasses and plates into the sink and leaving it for his future self to deal with. Doing the washing up was the last thing he wanted to do, he just wanted to crawl into bed with Sirius and lay with him. Just being around Sirius made him feel better, most of the time.

As Remus walked down the hallway to Sirius’ room, he switched the lights off before opening his ex’s door. There was music humming in the background, it was _ I’m Not the One _ by The Cars. In his hand was the book of _ As You Like It _ by Shakespeare, whenever Remus saw Sirius reading a book it was always Shakespeare. Snuffles, their new dog, was lying on a dog bed at the bottom of Sirius’ bed. Remus was secretly glad he wasn’t sleeping on his side of the bed.

Trying to be quiet, Remus rested his head against the doorframe and took in the view. The duvet was pushed down to his waist, showing off the tubes and symbols tattooed onto his tan skin. Sirius was effortlessly beautiful. His ink-black hair was tucked behind his ears, pink lips were parted and grey eyes firmly planted on the book. 

“Hey,” Remus said softly not wanting to scare Sirius. 

“Hi,” Sirius said shutting the book. He put it on his bedside table before looking up at Remus with a tight-lipped smile. His eyes were pink as if he had been crying. Knowing the conversation that took place before Sirius retreated to his room, Remus assumed he had been. 

It made Remus feel awful knowing that he had caused this much pain to Sirius. He wanted to fix what he had done desperately but didn’t know how to. The fact that Sirius was never going to forgive him was starting to sink in. They were never going to be James and Lily, a happy family with a kid and a house. After they get married in a few weeks, they most likely won’t get divorced, while he and Sirius will probably die before their issues get sorted out, no matter how much Remus did want with Sirius what James had with Lily.

Remus pushed himself off the door frame and walked over to Sirius’ bed. “Move over.” he hit Sirius foot lightly. A groan escaped Sirius’ mouth but shuffled to the left side regardless. Remus took his shirt off before slipping into bed next to his ex, he wrapped his arm around Sirius’ waist and pulled him close. He closed his eyes so he could fall asleep.

“Remus,” Sirius sighed as he pushed Remus’ arm off him, after five minutes of lying in silence.

“You’re never going to forgive me, are you?” Remus sighed rolling onto his back, still with his eyes shut. He didn’t want to see the look on Sirius’ face. It would hurt too much.

While he knew what was coming, it didn’t make it easier. Rejection from Sirius hurt the most. By now he should be used to it. Their very first kiss, before the vodka induced snog, went extremely badly. They had been playing spin the bottle and it landed on Sirius, just as soon as their lips touched Sirius pushed him back and commented on how he isn’t a queer. Sirius apologised later for it, though it still hurts regardless that it happened when they were thirteen.

“I don’t know about never, but not in the foreseeable future,” Sirius said. That hurt less than Remus expected but still, more than he wished. Sirius trailed on, “I want to but I just can’t…”

“I know,” Remus opened his eyes and looked across to Sirius, the man’s face was buried in his hands. If Sirius had done what Remus did to him, he probably wouldn’t forgive him despite the fact that he didn’t mean to hurt him. Another part of him couldn’t help but wonder if he would forgive him, the part of him that loves Sirius desperately and tries to reason with all the shitty things he does. “I probably wouldn’t if our positions were reversed.”

Sirius rolled onto his side facing Remus, propping himself up with his elbow. “Why do you want me to forgive you so much?”

“Because I love you,” Remus swallowed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest, saying ‘I love you’ wasn’t as scary as he had made it out to be in his head. He thought he would care about Sirius not saying it back, but he didn’t say it to hear it back. Forcing Sirius into saying it back just to make him feel better about himself wasn’t something he wanted to do. If Sirius ever tells him or another man, he hoped that it was because he feels it. “I did what I did, I need to accept that there is a high chance you won’t ever forgive me. This is consequences for my actions. I have to live with that.”

“You love me?” Sirius asked, rolling onto his back.

“Yeah, I do,” Remus sighed. He looked over to see what Sirius was doing, his eyes were scrunched shut as if he was trying (and failing) not to cry. The first thought that came to Remus’ mind was that he fucked up again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“I’m okay, I promise,” he let out a weak laugh. 

“You sure?” Remus rolled onto his side facing Sirius better. The last thing Remus wanted was to fuck this up even more than he already has, he doesn’t know how he does it but fucking up feels like the only skill he has. Most of the time, he didn’t even mean to do it. Remus feels like it’s almost second nature now. He wanted to blame Fenrir for all the shitty things he did, after all, he was an easy target and wasn’t around to defend himself. 

“Yeah, I’ve just been waiting for you to say that for fucking years.” Sirius splayed his fingers over his eyes and took a deep breath. “I honestly thought you never would.”

Remus reached across and wiped Sirius’ tears away with his thumb. Sirius’ skin was soft (and wet) against his calloused fingers. The fact that Sirius didn't swat his hand away was a good sign he hadn't completely fucked it up. “Sorry it took this long.”

“Stop apologising,” Sirius laughed again, hitting Remus' bicep with the back of his hand playfully. That took Remus by surprise, he had figured that Sirius wanted him to grovel at his feet and apologise profusely about everything he has done. Surely telling Sirius that he loved him wouldn’t fix everything, it couldn’t. It was just words, after all. If you looked at his actions, at least most of them, they would show that. Sirius rolled back into his side and propped himself back onto his elbows, hovering over Remus. Watching Sirius carefully, Remus noticed his gaze was set on his mouth, at first he thought Sirius was going to kiss him; only for that thought to be destroyed when he huffed. Remus missed kissing Sirius, more than he cared to admit — much like most things that came to Sirius. After what felt like a lifetime, Sirius reached over and brushed Remus’ hair of his face, before his fingertips ghosted down the side of his face and cupping his cheek.“I love you so much more than I think you’ll ever realise.”

“Can I kiss you?” Remus asked without really thinking it through, expecting Sirius to reject him. 

“Yeah, you can always kiss me, you don’t have to ask,” Sirius said, his thumb gently caressing Remus’ cheek. 

At that moment, Remus decided to close the distance between them. He reached up and cupped the back of Sirius’ neck, pulling him down into a kiss. The way the kiss was made out to be in Remus’ head was much better than how it actually happened. It was meant to be sweet and sensual, but it was a drunken sloppy languid kiss. Neither of them cared that much about it. 

Sirius’ mouth was warm and tasted like raspberry vodka, which he had been drinking all night. Yet he wasn’t as drunk as Remus, mainly because he kept taking a shot instead of answering questions at the start of the game. Sirius didn’t seem to care that he probably reeked of tequila, but after ten years what their breath smells like stopped being a concern. Remus wouldn’t even care if Sirius ate an egg (he wouldn’t, he is intolerant to eggs) and pickled onion sandwich and decided to snog him.

Sirius pulled back from the kiss, resting his forehead on Remus’. It wasn’t until they weren’t snogging Remus noticed that Sirius was on top of him, holding himself up by his elbows. Black hair was falling around Sirius’ face and tickling Remus. The bedroom light that was dimmed was like a halo behind Sirius, Remus couldn’t help but smile and think how fitting it was. 

Remus moved the hand from the back of Sirius’ neck to tuck his hair out of his face. “Leave Gideon, please.”

“Can I tell you something?” Sirius took a deep breath.

Remus tried not to frown, he was expecting some bad news. Something along the lines of ‘I'm married with 5 kids’ even though he knew Sirius wasn’t married or had even slept with a woman before. “Anything,” he said, trying not to let his anxiety get in the way.

“I’m not really dating him or even sleeping with him,” Sirius said, slipped out of Remus’ grasp and rolling back onto the bed. This time facing the ceiling instead of Remus. “He’s just a friend, also I like how jealous you get when he’s mentioned.”

“You’re using him to make me jealous?” Remus furrowed his eyebrows.

Sirius shook his head as he reached over to Remus. Carefully he slotted his fingers in between Remus’ and held his hand. “No, I’m not using him. He knows where we stand, I liked making you jealous.”

“Why?” He asked. 

Sirius sighed. “It’s the only way I can get you to notice me these days.”

“I always notice you, trust me,” Remus laughed weakly. The fact was Remus very much paid attention to Sirius, even when Sirius didn’t notice. “You don’t have to do that stuff.”

“Really?” Sirius’ fingers ran across the palm of Remus’ hand absentmindedly.

“Yeah,” Remus reassured. He thought, _ if you just asked I could be yours forever_, but didn’t say it. It felt like too much to say too soon, having someone confess they love you only for them to tell you that they want to grow old with you not even 30 minutes later was too much. Despite having felt that way since he was 20. Scaring Sirius away was the last thing he wanted to do.

When they were 20, Remus did love Sirius but it wasn’t as if he was ready to settle down. The on/off aspect of their relationship didn’t bother him as much as it did now. After they fought, it would be followed by rough make-up sex which Remus did enjoy in that moment but always left him feeling desolate after the endorphins came down. Sirius, however, thrived off it but became reliant on it. 

After watching James and Benjy settle down, it made Remus want something like that. He could live without the marriage and kids, but he just wanted a stable relationship with Sirius. Live somewhere nice, preferably in a terrace with a garden, so he could watch Sirius do yard work shirtless. Have a dog, which they now have because of Sirius’ impulsiveness. Maybe become a bass teacher eventually, while he loved the band and having gigs, he doesn’t know if he wants to do it for the rest of this life; after all, he only joined the band to make Sirius happy because he fancied him.

They laid in silence for a while, in that time Snuffles jumped up onto the bed and curled up against Remus. It was a little bit surprising considering he had met the dog only a few hours ago. On instinct, his hand went to Snuffles’ head and patted him. He did like dogs, he just didn’t think having one in an apartment was a good idea, it felt almost cruel. 

Growing up Remus had a Dobermann named Glinda after the _ Wizard of Oz _ character. It was Hope’s idea of getting her after Fenrir kidnapped Remus, she lived for thirteen years. In the summer between year 12 and 13, Glinda got sick rather quickly and before she was able to go to the vet she had passed away in her sleep next to Remus. She was a good dog, reasonably well behaved and was fiercely protective over Remus. The only issues they had with her was with Sirius, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, whenever he came to visit she was hostile towards him and would growl whenever he went near Remus. 

Remus was almost asleep, mindlessly patting Snuffles and while Sirius traced shapes onto the palm of his hand when Sirius spoke up after what was almost thirty minutes. “Who is Fenrir to you?”

“Not tonight, please,” Remus sighed, trying not to sound annoyed. He had almost fallen asleep up until Sirius had started talking to him. The idea of speaking and thinking about Fenrir wasn’t appealing at that very moment. 

“Why not?” Sirius raised a brow at Remus.

Remus shrugged. “I’m scared to lose you.”

“What could be so bad that you can’t tell me?” Sirius said, his voice sounded strained. “Why did you have teeth?”

“Lily told you.”

“Why did you have them?”

“He gave me a stupid box and I never opened it, until you accused me of protecting him. I came home and opened it.”

“You should’ve called me.”

“I was scared and didn’t want to give you any more reason to hate me.”

“You shouldn’t be scared of me or think that I hate you,” Sirius ran his fingers through his black hair and turned rolled back onto his side. “You always take care of me when I’m in a bad place, let me take care of you.”

“But I am,” Remus sighed.

“I don’t mean it like how dare you feel that way, you’ve got no right. I mean it like, you shouldn’t have to be scared of me or think that I hate you, that’s on me,” Sirius explained. “Nobody should be scared of their friend or partner, it’s not right or fair to be living in fear of them.”

“I’m not in fear of you, I know where your intentions are coming from but it’s still a shitty thing to do,” Remus corrected Sirius. “I just hate that you make me feel like shit.”

There was silence again. Sirius moved his hand from Remus’ to his stomach as he stared up at the ceiling. 

“How did we get here?” Sirius wondered out loud after several minutes of silence. 

“I came into your bed,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“No, emotionally and all that. When did we cross the line from fucking up to hurting each other? I don’t like it. I don’t like you not trusting me or not being able to rely on me, because you’re scared,” Sirius mumbled as if he was trying not to cry. “It’s not a healthy relationship.”

“Maybe we should do couples counselling or something,” Remus suggested, mainly joking but with a hint of truth.

Sirius hummed. “Do you want to do that?”

“I want to be happy with you, I don’t know how either of us is meant to achieve that if we’re worried about what each other is going to do.”

“I’ll text my psych and see what she says.”

“Can I stay here the night?”

“Of course,” Sirius said taking Remus’ hand back in his. With Sirius’ other hand, he flicked the light off. “Goodnight.”

“Night. Love you.” Remus said.

“Love you too.” Sirius kissed Remus on the temple. Remus tried not to smile when Sirius said it. He was glad the lights were out so that Sirius couldn’t see him grinning like a schoolboy.

⁂

When Remus woke up in the morning, he carefully slipped out of the bed trying not to disturb Snuffles, who was sleeping. Remus entered the kitchen in just his underwear, he couldn't remember falling asleep on Sirius’ room, let alone getting undressed. 

Leaning against the kitchen counter with his back towards the hallway stood Sirius with his joggers hanging impossibly low but just high enough that there was nothing showing. Sirius turned around when he heard Remus’ footsteps, a soft smile spread across his lips. Remus didn’t know why but Sirius seemed more relaxed than usual, almost on the verge of being good. “Hey, how are you this morning?” Sirius asked.

“I’m okay,” Remus grumbled, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands. “Got a headache, though.”

“Sit, I’ll make you some tea,” Sirius kissed Remus’ cheek as he walked over to the kettle. It was suspicious that Sirius was acting so nice, the only reason Remus could come up with was either he had been scheming or he wanted something.

“Why are you being so nice?” Remus raised an eyebrow but obeying the order, he took a seat opposite to where Sirius had been standing. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Sirius chuckled and shook his head. “Can’t I just appreciate you?”

Remus cocked his head. “You want to appreciate me?” 

“Yeah, is that okay with you?” Sirius smiled, his hand coming up to Remus’ hair and pushing it out of his eyes. The hand lingered around his temple, Remus secretly liked the attention or at least he thought was secret until his body started to react to the touch.

“Fine by me, is it okay with your boyfriend?” Remus shifted awkwardly.

“He said it’s fine,” Sirius said. 

The kettle stopped boiling and Sirius made the pot of tea and walked around in the kitchen grabbing different things out cupboards. When he came over to where Remus was sitting, he had the _ Mr Tall _ mug already filled with tea, also a plate with two slices of toast with raspberry jam on it and ibuprofen. Remus wanted to kiss Sirius when he saw the tablets.

“Thanks,” Remus said before he took the tablet which he chased it down with a sip of his tea. The corners of Remus’ mouth couldn’t help but turn up when he realised Sirius had put honey in his tea. There were small things like that which tugged at Remus’ heart and made him fall for Sirius even more. 

Remus looked up at Sirius, who was now leaning back against the counter on the opposite side. Days like this, where everything seemed so easy for unknown reasons, made Remus just want to tell Sirius that he was in love with him. Yet he never did, in his head, it all seemed too hard. What if Sirius rejected him? What if it ruined his and Sirius’ friendship beyond repair? Always so many what-ifs ran through his mind. 

Sirius took a sip of his own drink, most likely coffee while looking at Remus like he was the most exquisite person he had ever seen. The way Sirius looked at Remus always made it hard to stay away, he was constantly drawing him in closer. After a few minutes of Sirius watching Remus eat his toast, he sighed. “Babe?”

“Yeah?” Remus replied after he swallowed his piece of toast. By the way Sirius’ shoulders were hunched, Remus could tell he was nervous, he knew how to read his body language like the back of his hand. Remus wanted to reach out to pull him into a hug and tell him whatever it was, it’ll be okay but he never did. 

“How much do you remember from last night?” Sirius questioned. While it seemed like a relatively harmless question, Remus could tell there was something hidden underneath it that wasn’t that way.

“Nothing beyond the stupid game we played,” Remus told the truth. Everything after Sirius going to bed was a blur. Knowing himself, he probably did something stupid like make moves on Sirius despite knowing that he had a boyfriend. 

Sirius’ face dropped like his heart had been broken into a million little pieces. At that moment, Remus knew he had fucked up badly, again. “So, you don’t remember coming into my room?” 

“No…” Remus shook his head. “Did we shag?”

“No, just curious.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“Nothing really, you just apologised for cheating,” Sirius said trying to pass it off as a casual conversation but his eyes gave it away, he was close to crying. 

“Oh,” Remus nodded.

“Yeah,” Sirius chuckled. Remus could tell he was suppressing something, probably not wanting to start a fight. “I started crying so you just stayed with me the night.”

“I am sorry.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Remus gave a small smile. “Doesn’t mean I’m jumping into bed with you, though.”

“Didn’t think so,” Remus sighed. It had become very clear to Remus that he no longer had a chance with Sirius. Knowing that was like someone had cut a valley into his heart, all blunt and dull. There wasn’t anything left that he could do but try to be happy for Sirius, he wanted to be happy for him, yet he just _ couldn't. _ “Gideon and all.”

“I’m not dating Gideon, haven’t even shagged him,” Sirius droned as if he was repeating tired information. “You’re actually the last person I slept with.”

Remus frowned. “You just said we didn’t shag.”

“I meant your birthday.” Sirius looked down at the floor.

“Oh,” Remus said. It made Remus’ stomach do a flip, that Sirius hadn’t been with anyone since him. Maybe he did have a chance, or maybe he fucked Sirius yo so badly that he didn’t ever want to date again. Both options seemed like a major possibility. He hoped it was the first one, but knowing his luck it would be the second.

Silence fell over them, neither knew what to say. After Remus finished his toast and tea, he walked over to the sink and started to wash up everything in the sink. From the many cups and shot glasses, he figured that he had a decent night and last him had left it for future him to do. 

“Also, we have a couple’s counselling appointment after we get back from Wales,” Sirius finally spoke up after five minutes of awkward silence.

“What? Why?” Remus turned his head to face Sirius.

“You said you wanted to try it, so I asked my psych, she personally doesn't do it but there’s another woman in their practice that does,” Sirius explained, his face completely blank as if the thing he had been suppressing was now behind a wall. A wall Remus would probably never get to see behind. Maybe in therapy, he might get to see behind some of the walls or even get a peek at them.

“Oh.” Remus turned back to the dirty dishes in the sink. “We’re not a couple.”

“No, we are not but we’re both worried we’re going to hurt one another,” Sirius jumped up onto the counter to sit. “We could just try it.”

“Yeah, alright,” Remus shrugged. It seemed like one of his better drunk ideas, considering most involved trying to get into Sirius’ pants.

“So, Lily, huh?” Sirius said accusingly.

“What does that mean?” Remus raised his eyebrows, despite that he knew Sirius couldn’t see his face.

“She asked you out,” Sirius stated. 

“Almost a decade ago,” Remus explained.

During the truth or drink game, they had been playing the night before, Lily got asked if she had ever fancied one of James’ friends and she confessed that she had asked Remus out before she and James had gotten together. Everyone but James, Lily and Remus were scandalised as Remus had told James after it happened. 

In year 11, Remus and Lily had been doing prefect rounds, making sure everyone was actually studying instead of fucking around. Lily had asked him if he wanted to go out sometime and Remus had to gently let her down without mentioning Sirius.

The week before, Sirius had broken up with Remus for the first time, so technically he was single not that Remus ever thought about saying yes. During their school years, Sirius and he were much more secretive about their relationship, only James, Benjy and Peter had known about them dating. Well, up until James started dating Lily, then she found out about them. 

“She stayed the other night,” Sirius said.

Remus groaned. “I asked James to come over but she did.”

“Okay.” Sirius shrugged.

“Sirius.” Remus turned around fully and wiped his hands on the tea towel that had been haphazardly thrown onto the counter. He wanted to say something along the lines of ‘you have nothing to worry about, I'm all yours’ but knew that was far too much for him to know. He might as well confess that he was in love with Sirius.

“Yeah?” Sirius has raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m not having an affair with my friend's fiancé.”

“Never said you were, I know you wouldn’t do that to James.”

“There was a tone in your voice.”

“It was more about her.”

“Don’t hate her for something she did almost ten years ago.”

“I don’t hate Lily, I love Lily.”

“I know how territorial you can get.”

“You think I’m territorial?” 

“Sirius, that’s one thing I don’t have an issue with, it’s a bit of an ego boost that you think everyone wants to shag me,” Remus laughed awkwardly, running his hand through his hair. “But sometimes you do need to take a step back when it comes to our friends. I’m telling you that I have no interest in sleeping with any of them.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “If this is about Mary, you don’t like corona.”

“Sometimes you need to actually listen to what I’m saying, it was just beer, I survived,” Remus explained as he walked closer to Sirius.

“We’re just a couple of fuck-ups aren’t we?” Sirius asked rhetorically looking at his feet.

“Where is that coming from?”

“Just… we’ve been doing this whole dance for ten years and I am tired of it, sometimes I wonder if we were better off never getting together.”

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t take back any of it.”

“Why?”

“Why wouldn’t I take back any of it?”

“I mean the arguments and all that, you wouldn’t take that back?”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “While I hate arguing with you, it’s one more minute I’ve spent with you than before.”

Sirius took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.” 

“For?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Being me, you deserve better than that,” Sirius shrugged, avoiding Remus’ eye contact. “You deserve better than someone who uses shit against you, you deserve someone who doesn’t use people, you deserve someone who doesn’t argue with you all the time.”

“Be that someone then,” Remus said taking Sirius’ hand in his.

“What?” Sirius looked up at Remus.

“You could be that person if you tried, you know.”

“You overestimate me.”

“I’ve known you for fifteen or so years, I know you’re a decent person inside and your intentions are good, you just don’t execute them well. You go for calling people out in front of others because you know that’s how you get answers, it’s what your parents did to you and your brother.”

“Stop being so understanding, you make me feel like such a cunt sometimes,” Sirius laughed weakly.

Remus pulled him into a hug. “You can be, but you’re my favourite cunt.”


	6. More Than Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter’s song: more than words by extreme]
> 
> What would you say if I took those words away  
Then you couldn't make things new  
Just by saying I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals,  
this chapter has a lot of dark shit in it, including a mention of a hate crime (not graphic) and a little more detail into Fenrir's crimes. They both happen towards the end of the chapter.

In front of his childhood home, Remus got out of the car with Snuffles trailing along not far behind him. Sirius quickly followed and fastened the leash on Snuffles before taking him to a tree that bordered on the neighbour’s property. While Sirius was with Snuffles, Remus got out their shared suitcase along with a bag full of the dog’s belongings. 

The front door to the house opened and Lyall walked over to Remus wearing a Wales rugby jersey. “I thought I had heard a car door.”

“Hey Dad,” Remus said as he shut the boot of his SUV. 

“Let me help with that,” Lyall said taking Snuffles’ bag from Remus before heading inside. “What is this?”

“Dog stuff,” Remus explained. That’s when he noticed his mother’s white sedan missing from the driveway, his dad’s work van sitting there in its place instead. Remus has been under the impression that Hope wasn’t going to be working while he was visiting... perhaps she had just forgotten that he was coming. 

“Where’s Mum?”

Lyall held open the front door and let Remus past, where he sat the suitcase on the staircase landing. “Working, she'll be home soon. She texted about fifteen minutes ago that she left.”

“How long is her shift?” he asked. Growing up, his mother was always working. It hadn’t changed much since Remus left home either, but at least now parents didn’t have to worry about school fees or anything like that anymore. 

“24 hours,” Lyall said looking down at the watch on his wrist as if it told him how long Hope’s shift was. 

“Christ.”

“Don’t worry, she isn’t working while you’re here.”

The front door swung open and entering into the foyer was Sirius with an overly excited Snuffles. “Hi Lyall.”

Lyall looked stunned at the sight of Sirius, as if his presence hadn’t previously been mentioned. But it had been, as Hope did technically invite them both; plus, Remus also told both of his parents that he was coming. Obviously his dad hadn’t been paying attention. “Oh hi, Sirius. I wasn’t expecting you here.”

“I told you he was coming.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

“You two and your separation anxiety.”

Remus narrowed his eyes. They didn’t have separation anxiety, it was just that they liked to spend time with each other even when they’re weren’t talking. After living together since they were 11-years-old, they have become very similar to an old married couple. Most of the time, wherever one of them went somewhere, the other wasn’t too far behind. The fact that Sirius did not drive also meant that Remus regularly went with him to appointments and other locations. But Remus never sat in with Sirius during therapy or doctor appointments, there needed to be a line drawn somewhere before either of them became too overbearing. They did need some space and privacy, after all. 

“We don’t have separation anxiety,” he responded dryly. 

“Joined at the hip, you two are,” Lyall shook his head and laughed, walking into the sitting room. They both followed him and took a seat on the couch and Snuffles laid on the floor at their feet. “You might as well get married.”

“Didn’t he tell you? We’re running away to Las Vegas and eloping.” Sirius chuckled, putting his hand on top of Remus’. 

Regardless of the fact that it was a joke, Remus couldn’t help but think about what would happen if they did just that. Would they get married by an Elvis impersonator? Would they actually stay together? Probably not, considering they couldn’t do it while they were merely dating. 

He knew James would absolutely lose his shit if Sirius got married and he wasn’t there. Whenever Sirius wasn’t with Remus, he was with James creating havoc in their wake. James always wanted in on whatever scheme or idea Sirius had been plotting. Therefore, getting married without him present would create unnecessary tension. Even if James was with them, Remus doubted that he would accept the wedding. Not that he was against them getting married, but he was a traditional bloke with a Hindu family. Secretly Remus was glad that he wasn’t there when James told his parents that he wasn’t having a traditional wedding because it probably didn’t go down well. Even so, eloping in Vegas seemed likely to cross the line.

“At least he won’t be my problem anymore,” Lyall shrugged with a smile. 

“Don’t be rude,” Remus kicked his dad’s foot.

Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder, and Remus couldn't work out if he was playing their relationship up for dramatics or whether Sirius simply wanted to rest his head against his shoulder. It shouldn’t matter why he was doing it, because Sirius was resting his head against Remus’ shoulder and Remus could pretend that they were happy and in love, even if just for a couple of minutes.

“You’re missing out, he cooks and cleans,” Sirius said.

Lyall cocked his head. “That must be something he picked up after he left home because he never did that here.”

“Bribery helps, I do have to admit.” Sirius laughed. “Waterboarding is also a good method.”

“What did I do to deserve this?” Remus groaned. 

“Probably a lot of things.” Sirius pressed a kiss onto Remus' shoulder. It was more a peck than an actual kiss, but still, Remus couldn’t help but blush at the affection. 

“Oh gee, thanks. I’ll remember that.” Remus rolled his eyes. “If Mum was here, she would be very upset about this slander.”

“You say it as if Hope wouldn’t be the ringleader,” Sirius chuckled.

“You’re getting on my nerves,” Remus huffed and crossed his arms. 

Sirius patted Remus' hair. “Aw baby, you’ll survive.”

“Barely. If you don’t be careful I will sell you on gumtree for 99p.” 

“You could at least round up.”

“You’re worth five quid on a good day.”

“Even with my dick sucking skills?”

Remus’ gaze flickered over to his dad, he wanted to see if there was a reaction. If Lyall had heard the comment, he was pretending he didn’t. While they were quite open with their relationship with friends, Remus had never actually told his parents about him and Sirius. Not because he was embarrassed about it, but the relationship had always been so volatile and he didn’t want to get his parents hopes up just for the two of them to break up two months later. Remus returned his gaze back to Sirius and smiled at him. “Two quid.”

“Fuck you,” Sirius sat up and folded his arms. “Lyall, your son is mean.”

“He gets it from his mother,” Lyall said, finally joining back in with the conversation. 

“You should ground him or something.” Sirius pouted.

“I’m twenty-five!” Remus protested. Sirius raised an eyebrow at Remus. Sometimes it was scary how much Sirius looked like his parents, the way his lips curled at the edges and the unforgiving looks were two things that Orion did a lot. In the limited contact Remus had with Sirius’ family, it was still so obvious how he was their son. 

“I don’t remember the last time he was grounded.” Lyall thought out loud.

Remus smiled cheesily and rested his chin on his hands that were made into a V shape. “I’m an angel, that’s why.”

“No, we just used different methods of discipline,” Lyall laughed, bursting Remus’ bubble and his smile dropped. Remus didn't get in trouble a lot as a kid, mainly because Fenrir always taught him how to cover his tracks and not get caught. Lyall continued on, “Also, he was rather well behaved.”

“See, I’m an angel,” Remus smiled the same way again.

“You’re really not an angel.” Sirius shook his head, laughing. It took all of Remus’ self-restraint not to kiss Sirius at that moment. He looked beautiful and happy, but Remus knew he would fuck everything up if he ever gave into his desires again.

“Who’s not an angel?” Hope’s voice rang through the hall, before appearing at the doorway. She came into the sitting room in her work scrubs and kissed the top of Remus’ head and Lyall’s cheek.

Twenty-five years his parents had been together and they still acted just as in love just as they were on their wedding day. They had gotten married at the community hall in Brecon Beacons National Park. The day itself was miserable, it had been late November and raining. Remus, who was five-years-old, ended up slipping while they were taking wedding photos and got mud all over his suit. While he was not bothered by it, Hope was mortified and she kept saying that the day was cursed and she feared that their marriage was cursed too.

Seeing his parents together, always made Remus yearn for some stability with Sirius. All his friends make jokes about how scared commitment Remus was, but that wasn’t true. If Sirius proposed to him, he would get married in a heartbeat. Coming home to Sirius every day, even now that they weren’t together, wasn’t hard. When gay marriage was legalised, they had been together, and it suddenly became real that they could get married if they actually wanted to. That scared Remus, considering that he was 20, and he ended up breaking up with Sirius in case he expected to get proposed to. 

“Remus,” Sirius said, pulling Remus out of his thoughts and brought him back to the real world.

Hope sat on the armrest of the chair Lyall was on and rested her hand on his shoulder. “What did he do now?”

“See, your mum doesn’t even believe you.” Sirius poked out his tongue in jest. “He said I’m only worth 99p.”

“I changed it to 5 quid,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“You lowered it back to 2, though.”

“I’m probably going to have to pay someone to take you, they won’t want to buy you.”

“Dick.”

“You say that, yet here you are at my parents' house.”

“That’s because I love your parents, not you.”

“I’m flattered,” Hope cut in before Remus could reply to Sirius. “What's with the dog?”

Remus took a deep breath and rolled his eyes again. “Sirius impulsively bought Snuffles from the RSPCA.” 

“Snuffles?” she raised an eyebrow.

“I had nothing to do with the name.” Remus threw his hands up in defence.

“It’s been a long day, I’m heading to bed.” Hope yawned and kissed the top of Lyall’s head before getting up off the armchair and kissing Remus’ forehead on the way to the stairs. “Good night.” 

“See you in the morning,” Remus called out. 

“Not if I see you first,” Hope replied. 

⁂

Two hours later, Sirius had left the house and was taking Snuffles on a walk when Lyall suggested that they get pizza for dinner. Sirius was only two blocks away when Remus caught up with him.

“Hey,” Sirius said, startled by Remus’ presence.

“Hi,” Remus smiled.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked.

“Figured I’d walk with you, also we’re getting pizza,” Remus shrugged as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. While his parents knew he smoked, as he used to steal Lyall’s cigarettes when he was a teenager, he felt weird about doing it at home the older he got. After Hope’s father died from lung cancer when Remus was around 17, it felt like he was rubbing salt into a wound, especially after Lyall quit. Whenever Hope saw Remus with a cigarette or a lighter, she always made comments about how she wanted him to quit. Though she meant it as encouragement, it only annoyed Remus.

“Are we now?” Sirius asked as Snuffles stopped to pee on a telephone pole. He looked over to Remus with a soft smile, it was one of Sirius’ rarer expressions and whenever Remus was on the receiving end of it, it made him weak at the knees. “Whenever I come here, I remember how much more Welsh you used to sound.”

“I still sound Welsh,” Remus rolled his eyes before they started walking again.

“Eh, not as much as you think you do,” Sirius laughed. “When you talk to your parents your accent gets stronger.”

“Clearly I’ve just been spending too much time with you,” Remus nudged Sirius with his elbow. 

“That’s definitely it.” Sirius smiled at Remus.

They continued to walk silently, Snuffles had his nose against the ground as he walked in front of them. When neither of them were talking and there was a comfortable silence between them, it was difficult to remember how fucked up things could get between them when words came into the mix.

“One day you’re going to wake up and realise that you wasted half of your life with me when you could’ve, I don’t know, gotten married to some guy that’s actually decent and had a stable relationship. Possibly even had kids,” Remus spoke up after a few minutes of not talking.

“I know,” Sirius said nonchalantly as if the thought bored him. “Not that I think I have wasted my life being with you, just I am aware there are other men out there that I could have a healthy relationship with.”

“You could be with someone you actually like.”

“I do like you. Besides James, you’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine.”

“Don’t tell Snuffles that, I think it might break his little doggy heart,” Sirius smiled. “I can’t believe my dog likes you more than me.”

“Like owner like dog,” Remus replied with a chuckle.

“Sounds about right,” Sirius looked across at Remus, his smile not faltering for even a moment. Remus wanted to kiss him and pull him close, listen to their hearts beat in synchronicity. If only a kiss could fix all their problems and it all could fall together perfectly after that. As if it would teach them both to forgive and not fight and remind Sirius how much they were made for each other. “At least he’s doesn’t hate me like Glinda.”

“She loved you, just had a weird way of showing it,” Remus lied. Glinda absolutely despised Sirius and his presence, she was insanely protective of Remus and Sirius was a threat in her eyes. 

“She would growl at me if I went near you,” Sirius said with an eyebrow raised. “I’m surprised she never mauled me.”

“My parents got her as a guard dog because of Fenrir,” Remus explained. It wasn’t as if that idea had worked because while Glinda wasn’t amazed by Fenrir, she wasn’t anywhere near as hostile to him as Sirius. Though she probably would’ve mauled Fenrir if he tried to hurt Remus. 

“Well, I don’t look like Fenrir nor do I act like him,” Sirius huffed, insulted by what Remus insinuated.

“It would be very Freudian of me if you did,” Remus tried to make a joke. 

Sirius stopped in his tracks and furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”

“Nothing,” Remus shook his head and turned around to face Sirius. He was looking at Remus as if he had grown two heads. The look wasn't going away so Remus decided to change the subject back to Glinda. “She never actually hurt you, though.”

Sirius started walking again, since Snuffles was pulling on the leash, probably smelling something that he wanted. “She jumped on me that time we were snogging. She was jealous.”

“You do know that dogs don’t understand the concept of kissing, right?” Remus raised his brow. When Glinda had jumped on Sirius, it was over Christmas after he had turned 17. They were lying on Remus’ bed snogging with _ Kick-Ass _ playing on his portable DVD player, but the movie had been forgotten about. Most of the time when they were teenagers and had tried to watch a movie, they would get distracted by each other’s lips. “I’m sure Snuffles would do the same thing if we were to snog in front of him.”

“He didn’t act like that last week,” Sirius shrugged.

What Sirius said heavily implied that they had kissed last week in front of Snuffles. Remus couldn’t think of anything like that happening, he sure would try to remember if they kissed. “What? When?”

“Oh, you kissed me last week when you were drunk,” Sirius shrugged as if it meant nothing to him.

“You said nothing happened.”

“I said we didn’t shag, which we didn’t.”

“You still said nothing happened.”

“It doesn’t change anything,” Sirius sighed and ran the hand that wasn’t holding Snuffles’ leash through his hair. “A kiss doesn't change it.”

“Doesn’t it?” Remus frowned. Sure, they had kissed a lot and it wasn’t as if every one of them was something to write home about. Yet, they all meant something to Remus, whether it was hello or goodbye, I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you into the mattress, or you’re the most beautiful person I have ever seen and I want to show you how much you mean to me. Every moment that they shared together meant something to Remus, it was always one more minute he had spent with Sirius than he had before. 

“It didn’t seem important to tell you.” Sirius shrugged. 

“Sirius,” Remus let out more whiny than he had meant it to be. 

Sirius sighed again and his hands went back to his black hair. “I meant it when I said I’m not gonna be jumping back into bed with you.”

“Why do you just reduce everything I do to sex?” Remus asked. He knew he had slept with more people than Sirius had, but the motive of sex wasn’t there constantly. Taking care of Sirius when he was in one of his low periods wasn't because Remus wanted to stick his dick inside of him. “I didn’t sit with you in a hospital all night because I wanted to shag you. I don’t take care of you when you can’t take care of yourself because I want to shag you. There are a lot of things that I do and have done for you that don't revolve around sex.”

“Why do you do it?” Sirius asked. Remus knew that Sirius knew the answer, but they were both standing at a ledge and neither of them wanted to jump first and say those three words that meant everything. 

When it eventually happened, it would probably be the most underwhelming thing ever. Remus had built up the entire thing in his head and nothing would ever compare to the fantasy. It was just three words, yet Remus found them so difficult to say.

“You know why I do it,” Remus sighed, running his fingers through his hair this time.

“Tell me,” Sirius said, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. Having Sirius squeeze those words out of him feels wrong. How would they be genuine if Sirius forced them out of him?

“I… it doesn’t need saying.” Remus shook his head.

“That's bullshit and you know it.” Sirius groaned, obviously getting fed up with Remus not coming out and saying it. “Why are you so scared of telling me that you love me?”

“Sirius, you’ve never told me that either, so I don’t know why you’re acting like it’s such a big deal that I haven’t told you that,” Remus said, getting fed up with Sirius acting like it was all his fault when it was very much a two way street.

“I love-” Sirius started saying but he noticed a dead bird in Snuffles’ mouth. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Drop it,” Remus said in his stern voice, trying to get the dog to listen to him. 

“I can’t just drop this conversation…” Sirius sighed, Remus started laughing at the fact Sirius thought he was talking to him. “You’re talking about the bird, aren’t you? Stop laughing!”

“Snuffles, no.” Remus crouched down to Snuffles’ height and spoke in a deeper voice than usual. Up until this moment, Snuffles had been a very well behaved dog, somewhat trained by his last owner, so Remus hadn’t needed to read about how to get a dog to do something that he shouldn’t be doing. Snuffles continued to wag his tail and looked immensely proud of the fact he was a dead bird in his mouth. “Bad dog.”

“Assert your dominance more,” Sirius laughed. 

Remus looked up at Sirius and before he realised what was coming out of his mouth, it was too late, “I’ll bloody assert my dominance over you.”

“Is that a promise?” Sirius said with his shit-eating grin plastered to his face.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Remus huffed, turning his attention back to the fully grown shepherd. 

“I know, I’m fucking you around,” Sirius laughed as if the conversation they were having before disappeared into the past. “Stand up, maybe your height will intimidate him.”

Remus sighed, standing back up and pointing to the ground. “Drop it.”

“Maybe he doesn’t understand you.”

“You know you could help.”

“He likes you more than me, also you’re much scarier.”

“I’m not scary.”

“You can be, it's the height.”

“I’m a stick.”

Sirius’ grin grew larger, Remus could tell that he was going to make another joke. “Probably why he likes you more than me.”

“Hilarious, you’re a comedian.” Remus rolled his eyes in return.

“Oh yeah, I’m going to leave the band for my new career in comedy,” Sirius continued to laugh. 

The dead bird dropped out of Snuffles’ mouth and he pushed it closer to Remus’ feet as though the crow was a divine gift. Remus wanted to be angry at Snuffles, but he looked so proud of himself so Remus leaned down and gave him some ear scratches. “Good boy.”

“Thank you,” Sirius smiled. 

“I’m not calling you a good boy,” Remus said flatly before they started walking again, Snuffles trying to get back to the bird but Sirius not allowing it. “You're a pain in my backside.”

“The good kind, I hope.”

“You’re really on a roll tonight.”

“Can’t stop me.”

“Who knew a dog and a dead bird could inspire sex jokes.”

“You make it sound like I’m making sex jokes about my dog and his dead bird.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me if you did.”

“Fuck off, I hate you sometimes,” Sirius groaned as they approached the pizza shop. 

Remus said standing at the glass door, looking back at Sirius as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, “You just said that I’m your best friend.”

“That was before you said all that,” Sirius waved his hand as a dismissal.

“Are you really going to deny this face?” Remus pouted.

“Mhm, I think I am,” Sirius smiled back before lighting the cigarette.

Remus pushed the door open and walked into the store. It hadn’t changed much. There were a few tables with blue gingham tablecloths, two fridges half stocked with drinks, Italian words written in cursive across the blue walls, and the register sitting on a desk in front of the kitchen, giving customers a view of the other employees in the kitchen. “Order for Lupin,” he said while taking the decor in. 

“Hi,” a familiar female voice said, Remus brought his attention to the girl at the counter. She smiled up at him kindly.

“Oh, hi Gwen,” Remus smiled back. Gwen was his best friend before Hogwarts, they spent most of their time together at the skatepark despite the fact that Remus couldn’t actually skateboard. She was only around five feet tall and had mousey brown hair that was pulled up into a ponytail. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

“I’m the manager,” she shrugged one shoulder.

“That's cool,” he replied. It wasn’t that cool, but it wasn’t like their town had great jobs. If Remus had stayed, he probably would’ve been working a similar job. 

“It’s crazy to see you. Lyall comes in here sometimes, he never mentioned you were coming home,” she spoke as she leaned against the counter. 

“I’m only here for the weekend because of Mum’s 45th, I’ll be back going back to London on Tuesday,” he found himself explaining, even though he knew he didn’t have to.

It wasn’t as if they were even in contact any longer. After Remus had been shipped off to boarding school, his parents made him cut ties with most of his friends back home. Everyone knew about him and Fenrir and Remus’ parents didn’t want it to follow him around for the rest of his life.

The last time he actually saw Gwen was just after they had left school and Remus was staying with his parents. Sirius wasn’t talking to him for some reason and the five of them had just moved into the flat. Remus had felt like he couldn’t breathe so he ran back home. On his second night back, he bumped into Gwen at one of their towns many pubs and had a one night stand with her. She didn’t try to have a conversation with him after it either, so they just went their separate ways.

“My mum has been meaning to call you, since you’re in town you should probably pop around to the station,” she smiled and handed over the pizza boxes in a paper bag. The store must’ve gone plastic-free since the last time he went to this store. Christine, Gwen’s mum, was the main detective in their town and was in charge of Owen’s case and the other missing kids. Remus knew that while he was back home he would have to talk to her, but he hadn’t been counting on Gwen seeing him and telling her mum about it. “Who’s the cute boy?”

“Sirius, he's my best friend,” Remus smiled back. It wasn’t the exact truth but it wasn’t exactly a lie either.

The door swung open and the bell chimed. Sirius was looking not impressed, and knowing him, he was probably jealous of Gwen. “_ Babe _, you ready to go? Lyall just texted asking how close we are.”

Gwen raised a brow at Remus, most likely not believing the best friend comment. There aren’t many guys who would call their best friend babe unironically. “Right…” 

“Well, see ya around,” Remus smiled and walked out the door, not bothering to look back at her. 

“Yeah, you too,” he heard her say as the door shut behind him. 

Sirius stepped on the half smoked cigarette and took Remus’ hand in his. Hand holding in public always made Remus feel uneasy, especially after a bad experience he and Sirius had when they were teenagers. It was the two days after they had first had sex, Sirius thought it would be nice if they went out for dinner. When they walked to the restaurant, hand in hand, some middle-aged man started yelling homophobic slurs at them and Sirius ended up getting punched by the man. Despite that, he didn’t want to let go of Sirius’ hand, it wasn’t quite a kiss but it was a small win that they were getting closer to how they once were, even if it was because of Sirius’ streak of jealousy.

⁂

Remus was walked into the interview room by an officer he did not recognise. The room was just four grey walls and wooden desk with a desktop computer with two screens on top of it. Barely a moment passed before Christine came into the room with a folder under her arm and two mugs in her hand. She had a smile on her face but her eyes betrayed her, they were mournful. Neither of them wanted to have this conversation, but they knew they had to. Remus need to finally suck it up and deal with it.

“Hi, how are you?” She asked, passing him a cup of black tea before setting a small travel carton of milk and three sugar sachets on the table. Remus watched her open a packet of sugar and tip it into her black tea before pouring the milk in. He found the order in which she did things strange.

“I’m fine but that will probably change once we start,” Remus sat down in the chair across from her when she sat down in front of the desktop.

She opened up a file that was full of words with the South Wales Police symbol on top of the page. Their eyes met briefly before she opened the desk drawer and pulled out a pen. They probably kept them out of sight in case someone wanted to use one as a weapon, Remus thought errantly.

“You’re not under arrest or anything like that. I’ve been in touch with DI Moody since you opened the box and we are working together on the case. It will just the same type of thing that you do for him,” Christine said as she scribbled something on a notepad that she had pulled out of her pocket.

Remus smiled tight-lipped. “I know.” 

“So, I thought we’d ease into it. Tell me some of the back story and everything leading up to Owen’s disappearance and then we’ll go over the other photos that were in the box and see if you recognise anyone in there,” she explained as she turned on the computer. 

It occurred to Remus that he didn’t know how many photos or teeth were in the box. After he had recognized Owen, he didn’t want to touch or see anything else. The grim reality of who Fenrir had truly always been had begun to actually set in for Remus. The Fenrir Remus knew was different from who he really was, and Remus needed to somehow fully accept that fact. Until the photos and the teeth, it was really only a hunch he had, but the box was proof of it all. “How many photos were there?” 

She pulled up a blank word document and turned the screen so Remus could see it and answered, “Thirty-six.”

“Were they all kids?” Remus asked, despite being certain that they all were. 

“The eldest we could get a photo match for in missing persons was a 13-year-old girl who went missing in ‘95.”

“Fuck.”

“I’m asking this as a friend. Are you okay to do this? If you would rather, we can just talk about Owen and you can do the photos with Moody when you get back to London.”

“No, I want to do this. I don’t think it’ll help though.”

“None of us who have been working on this case think we are going to be the one to get him, as much as we would like to. We live in the real world.” Christine said, trying to come across as sincere but Remus found it hard while they were in a bleak room. “But as messed up as it is, you’re the closest person to him who is willing to talk.”

“Have you tried his mother?” Remus asked.

“Dorothy made it clear she wants nothing to do with her son, not that I blame her,” Christine said with her fingers hovering over the keys, getting ready to type whatever Remus had to say. It probably would’ve been easier to record the conversation, so Remus couldn’t understand why she would be typing it. “Do you talk to her often?”

“Not really. Just birthday and Christmas cards, she had a hip operation in April and that was the last time I talked to her. I sent her some flowers but that’s all.” Remus shrugged. When Dot had cut off contact with Fenrir, when he first became a prime-suspect for a missing kid, she cut off most contact with Remus as well. There was probably fear that Remus would go to Fenrir and tell him about everything she has told him. She barely even acknowledged that Fenrir was her son anymore. Not that he blamed her for it.

“Did she ever talk about him?” she asked as her fingers danced across the keyboard, they were quick and almost kept up with Remus’ talking pace.

Remus shook his head. “No, but she used to before I started asking questions about his crimes.”

“What type of things did she tell you?”

“Just about his childhood, like where he went to school, how he used to play rugby, stupid things he and Theodulf got up to, how he was rubbish at English.”

“Theodulf is his brother, right?”

“Yeah, he died a few months before I was born.”

“How did that happen?”

“He was working on a construction site in Newcastle and the scaffolding wasn’t stable, he was crushed to death,” Remus explained. 

Dot had told Remus that she believed that event had been Fenrir’s breaking point, the thing that caused him to go _ over the edge _. As a child, Fenrir grew up in an abusive home where his father would beat him and his brother. Theodulf always tried to protect Fenrir, always taking the blame for things that he hadn’t done. When Theodulf died, Fenrir had lost everything and started mixing around in the wrong crowds. 

Thoughts of the way Sirius turned out came to the forefront of Remus’ mind. The way his trauma had impacted him compared to Fenrir’s. Sirius tried his hardest to be nothing like his parents, he wasn’t violent or didn’t make threats. Fenrir was the complete opposite, he took his father’s cruelty and amplified it.

Now that Remus thought about it, he started to wonder if he had a big flashing sign over his head saying ‘men with issues, fuck up my life’.

“Christ,” Christine said shaking her head.

A weirdly protective part of Remus wanted to clarify that Fenrir had nothing to do with the incident. While the man was an absolute monster, there was no denying that, he never hurt the people closest to him. There seemed to be an invisible line that he refused to cross. “Fenrir didn’t murder him. He was living here at the time. Dot has newspaper clippings about it, him and another guy died.”

“I know, I was living here too back then.” She looked up at Remus, her lips were pressed together in a firm line.

“I’m not defending anything he did, but he didn’t murder his brother. He would never physically hurt any of his family,” Remus tried to explain, but it didn’t seem like it would mean much. The man had 36 pictures of dead children, probably all in similar states that Owen had been left in.

“He never hurt you?” she asked.

Remus knew the question was coming, it always did when people ask about Fenrir. They all assume that Fenrir had abused Remus when he was a child, but he didn’t. It was probably because if he had, he would have probably felt the need to kill Remus to get away with it, but considering their relationship, it wouldn’t have been difficult to trace back to him in the end. That was Remus’ theory, at least. “He never touched me or anything like that. He would yell and get frustrated with me sometimes, but he never hit me.” 

“He never acted inappropriately?”

“No.”

“Ever threaten you?”

“Once, it was when he gave me the box.”

“What did he say?”

“Snitches end up in ditches.”

“Right…”

“I know it’s just a phrase but it was enough for me to never question what was in the box or open it.”

“So, you recognised the boy to be Owen. Moody has told me a little about what you’ve told him but not a lot,” Christine asked, trying to steer the conversation in the direction she wanted, after all, that was why Remus was here. To give the police information about Owen.

Remus ran his fingers through his hair before taking a sip of his black tea. The tea itself was rubbish, he could tell it wasn't made in a pot and was probably the cheapest bag around.

“My friend Lily was with me, she was pretty shaken up about it. I told Moody what I had found and how Fenrir gave it to me. He said he would get in contact with me and we’d talk further on it, but he never did,” Remus disclosed with her.

She hummed in response and looked at him with a blank expression, possibly trying to figure out. “It was probably because he had passed it onto me and figured I would ask about it.”

“Probably.” Remus shrugged.

“So, Owen. Where do you want to start?” Christine brought it back to the topic they were meant to be talking about.

“This sounds fucking awful, I know, but Owen was known for being an arse. Everyone in that class besides Dylan and Max thinks that. He was a bully.” Remus ran his fingers through his hair. 

Remus really didn’t want to be in that room, in that situation, and he could feel his heart rate picking up the more the conversation went on. The last thing he needed was to have a panic attack, but Christine was probably used to people crying in front of her since she had been working in the police since before Remus was born. Crying in front of people wasn’t something Remus liked to do, even in front of Sirius despite how comfortable he was around him.

“I’m well aware of his behaviour Remus, Gwen was your best friend,” Christine said nonchalantly.

“I was upset one afternoon after we, Fenrir and I, had met up. Owen had been mean to me all day. Fenrir could tell something was wrong, so I told him what had been happening at school,” Remus continued, trying to explain the situation but not doing a great job of it. The event had happened 16 years ago, Remus could barely remember what he had for dinner a few nights ago. “I was a kid, I thought he would call Owen’s mum and tell her off. This happened a week before he went missing.”

“You didn't think it was odd?” she asked with her eyes narrowed.

“It wasn’t until I saw the photo of him that I properly realised Fenrir had done it.”

“Did you see Fenrir after that?”

“A few times. I would see him every Wednesday afternoon and we did that from when I was seven until you arrested him.”

“Did he ever mention anything about Owen afterwards?”

“No.”

She saved the document and closed the window before searching for something in the files and clicking on a folder named GREYBACK CROPPED PHOTOS. “Do you think you will be okay with looking at some pictures now?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded even though dread was stirring inside him and slowly making him feel like he was going to suffer from a heart attack.

Christine’s demeanour changed and she went back to how she was at the start of the interview. Passive and slightly mournful. Looking at pictures of murdered children was something she was probably dreading as well, but at least she got paid to do it. Remus didn’t get anything out of this, except maybe the chance that they would find Fenrir and he could finally relax. Being on edge all the time thinking that Fenrir would just pop out of nowhere to ruin his life wasn’t a fun experience. He tried not to think about it. If he was a shaken cola bottle, he was about to burst open.

“Just tell me if you need a break. These are just photos of their faces. I thought it would be best to leave out the rest, given how graphic they are,” she said clicking on the first picture icon and bringing it up to cover the screen.

Remus couldn’t keep count of how many photos she showed him. He recognised nobody, but they all had a similar theme -- their heads had been cut off and placed on their stomach with a mixture of blood and cum covering them. It made Remus absolutely sick to the stomach looking at the photos. One of the worst things was that he couldn’t work out which was worse, whether the blood and cum happened while they were alive or dead. He was mostly okay with never finding out that answer. 

Once upon a time, Fenrir meant the world to Remus. Remus trusted him with his life and everything else. Yet how could someone who seemed to genuinely care about him do this to other kids?

They were getting towards near the end of the folder when they came across a photo similar to nearly all that came before, but with this photo, Remus thought he recognised the place. “Do you have the whole picture of this?”

Christine frowned. “Why?”

“I think I recognise the place,” he vaguely explained, she nodded and brought up the picture. It looked eerily similar to a place Fenrir would frequently take him as a kid.

“Oh?” her facial expression got a little brighter, as if Remus might actually be of some help and this entire meeting wasn’t an entire bust.

“He used to take me on this walk, he did it a few times. It was in the national park, on a particular route near Pontneddfechan.” Remus explained, he couldn’t remember the exact location of it, but he was sure if he got put at the entrance he could find his way there. “The rock, I thought it looked like a butt, we would joke about it.”

“How many times did he take you there?”

“A few, maybe once a month but not in winter.”

“So more than a few times?”

“When I was about nine and ten, yeah. Not much before then, I would get tired, so we would do smaller trails.”

“What ones?”

“I don’t really remember, sometimes we would just wander around.” Remus shrugged, the only reason he remembered that particular trail was because they consistently walked it and because whenever they came across the butt rock, they made a joke. It was one of _ their _ things. “The rock was near a waterfall, there was a clearing and it was sort of there.”

Christine brought up the picture of Owen and looked at Remus knowingly, as if he held all the answers but just didn’t realize it yet. Possibly he did, but he couldn’t remember a lot of his childhood, just random select moments. 

One moment he remembered vividly was a day that he had been at Gwen’s after school before rugby practice and they were eating crackers. Gwen’s rottweiler started chasing him around her house and Remus ended up choking on a cracker until Christine miraculously gave him the Heimlich manoeuvre. After that, Remus never ate and ran at the same time, and he also tried to stay away from dogs who wanted food.

“Do you recognise where Owen is?” She asked pointing to the screen. His body was laid out on some grass, there were nothing identifiable about the location. Christine probably knew this, but it didn’t hurt to ask.

“It’s just grass, could be anywhere.” Remus sighed.

She nodded solemnly and closed all the windows open on the computer before looking at Remus. There was an expression that he wasn’t used to seeing on her face, at least not since he was a kid. She looked sorry, and less harsh than she had been when they were talking about Fenrir. “Remus, you’re a lot braver than you get credit for. It can’t be easy sitting here talking to me about Fenrir, knowing that if we find anything you tell us about, he’ll probably die in jail.”

Remus shrugged, trying to play it cool despite that he could feel himself starting to cry. He knew that once he started, he wouldn’t stop. “Maybe I'll finally be able to breathe without having to look over my shoulder all the time.”

“I don’t know if anyone has told you this before, but none of this was your fault. I hope you know that.” 

“Thanks.”

“I got you some photocopies of the photos of you, I thought you might like them since you might not get them back.” She took an envelope out of the file that sat neglected on the desk beside her. 

“Is that allowed?” Remus asked, not wanting to get in trouble.

“Probably not, but it’s just between us,” she smiled sadly.

“Thank you,” Remus said as she walked out of the bleak room, leaving a crying Remus with photos of him and Fenrir alone inside of it.


	7. Wherever You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter's song: wherever you are by angus & julia stone]
> 
> And we're sitting in that room  
And you spoke in Japanese  
Singing words, "I'll come home soon"  
Want to please you  
You want to please me

After the interview, Remus decided to walk home to clear his head, except that didn’t really work. Making sense of his emotions was not something that he excelled at. All he knew was that he felt like rubbish and everything was in his head. He should’ve talked about Fenrir before today, he should’ve told Moody everything when he was first approached by him...

_ Christmas decorations adorned Oxford Street, as most people would be celebrating the holiday in ten days. It had been raining on and off all day, so the lights reflected in the puddles left behind. Remus was very much not in the Christmas spirit, after all, Sirius had broken up with him for what felt like the 100th time. _

_ Their relationship this time around had been going well, or so Remus had thought. There was less fighting and bickering, it felt more settled than all their previous tries. Everything was good up until ten minutes ago when Sirius dumped him. _

_ The band had decided to go out to a pub since tomorrow was the day that they all left to go see their families for the holidays, even despite Benjy and James not celebrating it. Fairytale of New York by the Pogues was playing while Peter was talking to himself about the Ashes since no one else was listening. James was texting Lily as she had gone back to Yorkshire and Benjy was watching whatever sport that was playing on TV. Sirius was looking incredibly restless, fidgeting with the napkin, the frayed edges of his fingerless gloves, Remus’ fingers. _

_ “Babe, you okay? Do you want to go home?” Remus has leaned over and whispered into Sirius’ ear. _

_ “I want to break up,” Sirius replied in a normal voice, making everyone at their table stop what they were doing and look over at them. “I’m just not in the right headspace. It’s me not-” _

_ “Don’t finish that sentence,” he replied before pushing himself off the chair. The whole phrase ‘it’s me, not you’ is overused to the point it has no meaning at all. Nobody actually believes it’s their own fault, not the other persons. “I’m going outside to have a smoke.” _

_ Now Remus stood leaning against the pub wall, watching people happily live their lives completely unaware of everyone around them. The pub itself was on a side street off of Oxford Street, carefully tucked away from busyness. _

_ A man who looked like he had just walked off the battlefield walked up towards the pub. Remus silently hoped that the man would just go inside and not ask for a cigarette, he wasn’t in the mood to talk to someone or give them anything. Yet the man stopped in front of Remus. _

_ “You Remus Lupin?” the man asked with a quizzical look upon his face. _

_ That’s just great, they were looking for him in particular. From the man’s appearance, he didn’t seem to be the sort of person to anger and get away with it. Yet Remus’ mouth betrayed him. “What’s it to you?” _

_ The man rolled his eyes and pulled out a police badge from his pocket and flashed it at Remus. “Good. I’m DI Moody from the Metropolitan Police, I have some questions.” _

_ “Whatever it is, I know nothing about it,” Remus said going back to his cigarette. Of course, he knew what it would be about, the only time the police talked to him was about Fenrir. It was only a matter of time when they would come to him asking questions. _

_ “It’s about Fenrir Greyback,” Moody said, confirming Remus’ suspicions. The night went from bad to absolutely awful, the last thing he wanted to do was talk to some stranger about a paedophile that was in his life. He hadn’t even told his friends about Fenrir and did not plan on it. _

_ “I definitely know nothing about him,” Remus lied before taking a drag of his cigarette and watched it burn down to the filter. It wasn’t a complete lie, Remus reasoned with himself. Whatever Moody was after, he most likely had no idea about it even if there was a slim chance that he did. _

_ “It’s a crime lying to the police,” the DI raised an eyebrow, Remus noticed that one of his eyes were fake. That was a little unnerving. “I know exactly who you are to him.” _

_ “I don’t have to talk to you if I don’t want to. I know my rights,” Remus dropped the butt on the ground and stepped on it. _

_ When Moody gave him a look of disappointment, Remus picked up the butt and put it in the bin. “No, you don’t. You’re not in trouble, we just want to know where he is.” _

_ Remus pulled out his fourth cigarette since leaving the pub and lit that. Usually, he wasn’t a chain smoker but today was an exception since it was getting worse. “I told you, I know nothing about it,” he shrugged. _

_ Moody’s patience seemed to be running thin. “When was the last time you talked to him?” _

_ “When I was ten.” Remus leaned back against the wall. When he started at Hogwarts, he decided to put Fenrir behind him. It was a new beginning, nobody knew he had any connections to the criminal. Even thinking about Fenrir was something he tried not to do. “Listen, I’ve had a shit night. I just got dumped, can you annoy me another time?” _

_ “Did you know he was out of jail?” Moody asked. _

_ “I don’t live under a rock.” Remus rolled his eyes. It was all over the news, Fenrir was the prime suspect of the rape and murder of a five-year-old girl. While it was truly awful and if he was in a better mood, he would try to help. But Moody had gotten him on a bad day. It was not ideal. _

_ Moody pinched the bridge of his nose, which made Remus realise that he was missing part of a nostril. “No, I know you don’t. You live near King’s Cross.” _

_ “That’s not fucking creepy at all,” Remus sighed. Part of wondered how much Moody actually knew about him, but he also didn’t want to know. “What do you want?” _

_ “Information about where he is.” _

_ “I have no idea where he is, I just told you this.” _

_ “You must have an idea.” _

_ “I really don’t.” _

_ “He’s the prime suspect of a very bad crime.” _

_ Remus groaned, getting annoyed with Moody. The man didn’t seem to be listening to him at all. “Listen, I can't help you. I don’t know anything about him anymore. If you were working on a case that happened before I was eleven, I might have some knowledge. After that, I only know what’s been in the papers.” _

_ “Here’s my card if you remember anything,” Mood held out a card, which Remus reluctantly took and shoved in his pocket, despite him having no intention to get in contact with Moody. _

_ Benjy exited the pub with a cigarette packet in his hand, frowning at Moody as he walked away. He walked over to Remus and lit it. “Who was that?” _

_ “Some guy asking for directions for Buckingham Palace,” Remus lied. Benjy accepted this answer as it was. _

In retrospect, Remus knew that was when he should’ve told his friends the entire truth, of who he was and who Fenrir was to him. Yet he pushed his past inside a cupboard and locked it in there. 

On Remus’ walk, he came across a park he used to go to. There was a figure sitting on one of the swings looking down at their phone. As soon as Remus opened the gate to the park, the person looked up from their phone and Remus realized that it was Sirius. Remus took in Sirius, whose hair was still pulled back in the braid he had begged Remus to do in the morning. There were strands of hair that surrounded his face that had fallen out of the braid throughout the progress of the day. He still managed to look effortlessly handsome despite the braid and running shorts he had on. Sirius’ legs were top tier in Remus’ very biased opinion. 

“I want to show you something,” Sirius said pushing himself off the swing and climbing the ladder of the playground. Remus watched him crawl across the platform before disappearing into a tunnel. “Hurry up,” Sirius called out from inside the yellow tunnel. It was a small tunnel, only being a metre in diameter and two metres in length.

Remus sighed and climbed up the slide which was on the other side of the tunnel. Over the years, Remus had spent more time in the tunnel than he cared to admit. The inside of it was covered in graffiti, some of it his own. 

“Look, it’s still here.” Sirius pointed to a bit of writing that said _ R & S 4Ever _ in a love heart. During the summer before their last year of school, Sirius had come up from Bristol for a week. Most of their days were spent snogging and watching movies that were almost always forgotten about. The three days Hope was home from work she had tried to get the boys to leave the house, one time they went to the movies and watched Thor, most of the time they went to this park and just snogged there rather than at home. Sirius had snuck a permanent marker in his pocket one time and had written the phrase on the already defaced tunnel. 

The fact that Sirius was even at this park was strange, and the fact that he had checked whether the graffiti was there was even stranger. “What are you even doing here?” 

“I figured you’d come here, might as well take Snuffles on a walk,” Sirius shrugged as if it was nothing. Times like this made Remus realise how well they actually knew each other.

“Snuffles is here?” Remus questioned. He hadn’t noticed the dog near Sirius, but he didn't take Sirius as one to just let their dog roam around without a care. While nothing majorly sinister would happen to Snuffles, on rare occasions kids actually did come to the park and they hadn’t tested how he was around kids yet. 

“Yep. Figured you’d come here after and decided to give Snuffles a walk,” Sirius repeated.

Remus pushed himself out of the tunnel and looked around the deserted park. There was absolutely no one or any dog around that he could see. “Where is he?”

“Sleeping under the platform, I think I wore him out,” Sirius said before getting out of the tunnel at Remus’ end and standing next to him. There was a look on Sirius’ face that Remus knew to be ‘I want to ask/say something but I don’t know how to’. Remus figured it would be about the police interview since that is where he had spent his entire afternoon, but talking about the photos he saw of the kids wasn’t something he wanted to do. Sirius gently nudged Remus with his shoulder and looked up at him with his puppy-like grey eyes once he had caught his attention. “Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Remus sighed, sitting on the edge of the platform where there was a sliding pole.

“You know what I mean.” Sirius sat down next to Remus despite there being a lot of room for them both. It didn’t bother Remus at all, their shoulders to knees pressed up against each other. “Sometimes I just wish you trusted me as much as I trust you.”

Remus raised his eyebrows up at Sirius, startled at what had just left his ex’s mouth. “You trust me?”

“I mean, you know everything about me. I thought I knew everything about you but it turns out I don’t.” Sirius slid his hand into Remus’, their fingers interlocking together.

“I've known Fenrir all my life, he’s known my mum longer. He was someone that not only I trusted, but my mum did too,” Remus started explaining without much thought. It was like his mouth was speaking without his brain being told what it’s doing. “I know that’s hard to wrap your head around, but I had no idea about who he was until I was fifteen.”

Sirius looked at him wide-eyed. “Wait, what?”

“My parents didn’t tell me anything about him. I would ask questions and they wouldn’t ever answer them. Dad wanted to tell me but he didn’t want to go against my mum.” Remus continued. It was too late to back out of it now, so he figured he might as well tell Sirius. “You know that time I went home for a while during year 10?”

Sirius rubbed circles on the back of Remus’ hand. “Yeah, you were gone for a while. James thought you were dying but I said you would tell us.”

“It was because I had found out about him, I didn’t exactly cope with it well. Everything I thought I knew about him had shattered,” Remus implored. He wanted Sirius to understand how much it had actually hurt him to go through it all. It had felt like he was alone in this, his parents didn’t understand what he was going through. “Do you remember when you realised that Orion didn't love you?”

“There wasn't some eureka moment if that's what you mean,” Sirius sighed. Knowing what his childhood was like, Sirius probably had always felt that Orion didn’t love him. It was not as if the man had a warm and positive aura. “There was one with Walburga.”

“That’s the only thing I can compare what finding out that shit was like. It also didn’t help that my parents had been treating me like I was made of glass and refused to talk to me about any of it.” Remus explained. Even now when it came to Fenrir, Hope held Remus arm length away. It was like a million walls were put up surrounding him and there was no way to get them down. “Mum still refuses to talk to me about it. She has made me feel so… not ashamed, but as if I shouldn’t talk about it. If we pretend none of it ever happened, then did it really happen?”

  
“You know Hope is just trying to protect you, right?” Sirius smiled softly.

“It doesn’t make her shutting me out any easier.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.”

It hurt that Remus didn’t know how to let Sirius in, especially when Sirius had vocalised how much he wants to be let in. “I’m trying.”

“I know,” Sirius kissed the top of Remus’ forehead.

“You wanted me to open up to you, so here I am.” He took in a deep breath and continued with explaining about Fenrir. “Every Wednesday after school, he used to pick me up without my parents' knowledge and we used to hang out. He was the person who taught me how to ride a bike, he was the one who got me into rugby, he got me into music, he’d take me walking through the national park. The thing is, he was such a big part of my life, a lot bigger than I pretend he was.”

“Right.”

“Imagine, tomorrow you wake up and it’s on the news that Monty had killed and raped a 5-year-old girl. James and Effie knew but they didn't tell you.”

“He wouldn't do that.”

“I’m not saying he would, but just imagine it. You not only find out that your father figure is a paedophile and murderer, but you’re the last person to know. The people you trust most of all had kept it from you. Fuck, basically the entire British population knew but you didn’t,” Remus groaned in frustration, sometimes getting through to Sirius was like talking to a brick wall. Pointless and disappointing. “I don't trust my mum anymore, I love her but it’s like I don't even know what the truth is anymore. She gets annoyed that I don’t tell her anything and it’s just like, what the fuck did you expect me to do?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius pushed the hair that hung over Remus’ eyes away before pressing a kiss on his shoulder.

Remus sighed loudly and fell back onto the platform so that he was lying down and his knees hung off the edge. “Sorry, that turned into a rant.”

“It’s okay.” Sirius moved closer to Remus’ head and sat cross-legged.

“And the police just expect me to know everything about Fenrir? I haven’t seen the guy since he promised to teach me how to skateboard when I was nine but never showed up. They’re the ones that have been studying everything about him. They also say that I’m the only one he cares about which is fucking bullshit if he cared he wouldn’t have done the things he did.”

⁂

By the time Remus, Sirius and Snuffles had made their way back to Remus’ childhood home, some people had arrived for Hope’s birthday party. The moment that Remus walked into the house he was greeted by a squeal and a tight hug as Sirius unleashed Snuffles.

When Remus pulled out of the hug, he realised that it was his dad’s best friend’s daughter, Florence. They used to see each other a lot until Remus was 15 and they moved up north near Wrexham. They did keep in contact with each other over the years, usually just a casual ‘what’s up?’ or ‘how are you doing?’ most of the time occurring when Fenrir was a popular subject in the news cycle. 

“Hey, how are you?” Florence asked, her hands holding onto Remus’ arms which Remus knew Sirius saw. Out of the corner of Remus’ eye, he could see Sirius taking in her appearance. Long black hair, pale skin, blue eyes and legs that went on for days that she showed off in a tiny slip dress.

“I’m doing okay, you?” Remus smiled at her, trying to be friendly with her even if Sirius was boring holes into her. The moment that he left her side, Remus knew that Sirius would ask everything about her which, he wasn't quite looking forward to.

“I’m great. Mum didn’t mention that you would be here, so this day has just gotten better,” she replied happily before looking at Sirius as if she had just noticed his presence. Like he hadn't been standing next to Remus the entire time. “Who are you?”

“Sirius,” Sirius replied.

Florence’s eyes went wide and looked at Remus with uncertainty. She had been the first person to find out about Remus’ crush on Sirius, it wasn't like he could talk about it with any of his and Sirius’ mutual friends without running the risk that they would blab everything back to Sirius. Yet she stuck her hand out to shake in a professional manner, “Oh hi, I’ve heard lots of things about you. I’m Florence.”

“Hi,” Sirius shook her hand, with the possessiveness over Remus showing in his eyes, trying to warn her off with just a glare. Florence wasn’t one to back down though, she was headstrong and refused to let men make her feel inferior. Those were some of the qualities that had attracted Remus to her before he really came to terms with his sexuality and the fact that he did indeed have feelings for Sirius.

“Nice shorts,” she mentioned with a smile. Remus felt indifferent to Sirius’ actual shorts, but he did quite like the view that came along whenever they were worn. There was a pang of jealousy that flared up in Remus from Florence’s comment. While she knew about Remus’ sexuality and how he struggled with his feelings towards his best friend, she wasn't aware of their relationship or Sirius’ own preferences.

“We’re going to get changed, we’ll be back down in a moment.” Remus took Sirius’ wrist in his hand and pulled him towards the stairs to go to Remus’ bedroom.

“Florence, interesting.” Sirius clicked his tongue with what could only be laced with judgement, although Remus was not sure if it was on her behalf or his, and quite frankly, he didn't want to find out. 

The main goal of that night was to get through it without Sirius causing drama between his friends or family. After Remus’ long day at the police station, facing one of the things he had been desperately running from made him want to curl up in bed and go to sleep until Fenrir had died. 

Remus sighed, running his bony fingers through his hair. “Don’t do this tonight, please? I’m tired and I don’t have the energy to deal with your jealousy bullshit.”

“You dated her,” Sirius accused.

Remus rolled his eyes. “So what if I did? We weren’t together at the time.”

“Wait, you actually dated her?” Sirius stopped in the stairway.

“Yes, when we were fourteen. It was hardly anything of substance,” Remus admitted. In fact, Remus barely counted her as an ex because of the age they were and how Remus was at school in another country for most of their relationship. It mainly consisted of messaging on MSN or talking on the phone. 

“How long for?”

“Don’t do this.”

“How long?”

“Eight months.”

Sirius looked at Remus as if he had knocked the wind out of him. “Did you sleep with her?”

“You know I lost my virginity to you,” Remus explained. The most scandalous their relationship got was that once he had put his hand up Florence’s bra while snogging. Florence had wanted to go further but for the entirety of their relationship, Remus had been repressing his feelings for Sirius and guys in general. He had thought he was gay for a while and feared that if he had sex with any girl that it would be confirmed if it wasn’t great. It took Remus a while to figure out that he was bisexual, a lot longer than he cared to admit. “Sirius, our relationship was long-distance and I was dating her because I figured you would never be interested.”

“You never mentioned her.” Sirius crossed his arms, in his grey eyes, there was just coldness. 

“I did. You used to get stroppy when I used to talk to her on MSN,” Remus explained. It wasn't like he had expected Sirius to take any notice in what he had been doing in his personal life, as he was the coolest guy in their year but also deeply in the closet and dealing with internalised homophobia. There were probably a lot of other things on his mind other than what Remus did.

Sirius frowned. “Wait, she’s MSN girl?” 

“Yes,” Remus confirmed. During school that had been her identifier with Remus’ friends, they used to tease him about how would spend all his time on the school computers talking to some girl. Multiple times Remus had told his friends that they had been dating but none of them believed him as they had never met her. To them, she was as real as a unicorn.

“I don’t like her,” Sirius shook his head.

That didn't surprise Remus, Sirius was notorious for not liking anyone he had ever shown interest in, whether it happened in the past or just platonically. To have this conversation tonight wasn’t something he had wanted to do, but as usual, Sirius had other ideas. In an effort to stop the conversation, he started walking up the stairs again. “Whatever,” Remus shrugged. 

“Where are you going?”

“To get changed, like I said we would.”

They awkwardly got changed into more appropriate clothes, which turned out to be electric blue corduroy trousers and a white t-shirt for Sirius. Some of the clothing Sirius owned was quite questionable, usually interesting coloured pants. Yet somehow Sirius always managed to make his weird outfit choices work. Remus on the other hand, just put on a nicer shirt.

Remus made his way down to the kitchen and dining room where Florence was pouring herself a glass of chardonnay. “Dickhead, come here,” she called out while putting the wine bottle back in the fridge. Without much thought Remus walked over to Florence who just smiled at him. “I love it how you know I was talking to you.”

“It was a toss up between me or your brother and I’m the one in this room, so it was a basic process of elimination.” Remus laughed and leaned against the kitchen counter.

“So, that’s Sirius?” Florence raised an eyebrow at Remus as she took a sip of her wine.

“I didn’t know that you’d be here, I wouldn’t have brought him,” Remus tried to explain, after all, he had left her because of his feelings for Sirius.

The way Remus had broken up with Florence was something he was rather ashamed of. He had messaged her over MSN and had basically told her that he likes his best friend, which she assumed was a girl until the summer when Remus had gone down to Bristol briefly and ended up posting something on Facebook that had referred to Sirius as his best friend. Florence was hurt, by the way Remus had handled the break-up and then lying to her about why. They ended up not talking for two years after that until Fenrir had turned up in the news again, something to do with an old robbery, and she had reached out asking Remus how he was taking it.

She rolled her eyes but had a smile on her face. “I’m not nursing a broken heart. It’s been ten years.”

“Still, it’s not exactly nice,” Remus elaborated. In his head he was kicking himself over how lame his explanation was.

“Remus, we were kids. Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Florence stated, before walking over to the fridge and getting out a beer for Remus. “Does he know?”

“About you?” he asked.

She shook her head, watching Sirius walk into the room and over to Hope who was nursing a chardonnay herself while Brass in Pocket played. “No, about how you had a crush on him?” 

“More or less,” he shrugged, but it wasn't the complete truth. While Sirius knew how Remus felt about him in the present and past, Remus had never divulged just how long he had liked him for. He was planning to keep it that way too.

“You should probably tell him,” she suggested, not knowing the entire story. “He’s looking at me like I’m going to murder you.”

Remus turned to face Sirius, who was practically burning holes into Florence while holding a conversation with Hope. “Sorry, he does that,” he apologised.

“Why?” she asked cluelessly.

“Because he’s a wanker,” he smiled at Florence, who came up to the tip of his ears.

“Seems like you’ve gotten over that crush,” she voiced. Remus wished it was that easy; he wondered how different everything would be if they had never gotten together in the first place. Would they still be friends or was the fact that they had feelings for another the glue that still held them together as friends? Despite Sirius’ jealous antics, Remus was glad that Sirius and him were still friends, if that’s what they were. Florence’s voice cut through his thoughts when she said, “so, what have you been up to?”

“I was at the police station, that’s why I wasn’t here when you arrived,” he shrugged, trying to play it cool even though he was still a mess inside. 

“Shit, what did you do?” she coughed on the wine that she was swallowing.

“It was about Fenrir,” he said while getting her a glass of water.

“What a fucking arsehole,” she stated, before looking horrified about what she had said. “Sorry, I know he’s your-”

Remus cut off Florence before she could finish that sentence. “It’s fine, really. I’ve probably said worse things about him.”

“What did he do this time?”

“You remember Owen?”

“Not really, but yes, I know who you are talking about.”

“He did it.”

“That does not surprise me.”

“It surprised me.”

“Really? I thought it was rather obvious,” Florence frowned before raising her brows as if she had something on her mind. “Sorry, I forgot about your mum.”

“There were a lot more as well.”

“How many?”

“More than thirty.”

“Holy fucking shit,” Florence said as Gwen came up to them. From Remus’ understanding, Gwen and Florence had become close friends after Remus had introduced them to one another when they were around 11 years old. It was a rare occurrence that all of them were together at one time, mainly because Remus hadn't really seen Gwen after he had left for Hogwarts. Florence put her glass of wine down and pulled her friend into a hug. “Hey.”

“Hey, how was the drive down?” Gwen asked Florence, not even acknowledging Remus’ presence, which didn't really bother him.

“It was fine, there was an accident near Oswestry so that slowed down the drive a little bit. But overall, the usual,” Florence explained the drive down from Wrexham, which sounded oh so thrilling to Remus. “We’re just shitting on Fenrir.”

“You saw my mum?” Gwen asked, finally acknowledging Remus’ existence.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“How was it?”

“What you’d expect looking at photos of decapitated dead kids.”

“Decapitated?” Florence choked on her wine again.

“Oh yeah, Fenrir cut their heads off and came on them. My mum had left the photos out and I had to clean them up in case Hannah found them.” Gwen explained without finesse or caring about how horrible it actually was. Remus frowned when he couldn't place who Hannah was, there wasn't any Hannah’s similar age to them at school.

“Who’s Hannah?” Remus asked.

Gwen looked at him in surprise. “Oh, my daughter.”

“I didn’t know you had a kid. How old is she?”

“Four.”

“Anyways, that is honestly so fucked up. Who would actually do that?” Florence cut in. 

This conversation was getting too much for Remus, it seemed like Fenrir was all they wanted to talk about. “Excuse me,” he said putting down his mostly untouched beer before making his way up to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

Remus sat down on his bed and brought his legs up to his chest. The way the girls were talking about it with such casualness made Remus feel uneasy. These kids were murdered and abused yet they talked about them as if it was a TV show. As if Remus didn’t know the guy who had committed these crimes like he hadn’t trusted him completely and without question.

There was a knock on his bedroom, but at this moment in time he didn’t want to talk to anyone at all. Including Sirius. “Go away, Sirius.”

“It’s me,” Lyall said through the door.

“Go away, Dad,” Remus sniffled.

The door opened regardless of what Remus said and his dad walked into his bedroom and sat on the bed next to Remus. “Your mum is worried about you.”

“That's a first,” he rolled his eyes. Yes, he loved him mum but sometimes he felt like since she had isolated him so much from all the rumours and the truth that he didn’t know how to trust her, or even that she cared.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lyall asked.

“Not really.”

“Alright, I’m just going to sit here with you.”  
  


“I want to be alone.”  
  


“You know, I watched this interesting Nat Geographic show about influential people that have made the century, that type of thing. There was an episode about Saddam Hussein.” Lyall started talking as if Remus hadn’t just said that he wanted to be alone. 

“Where is this going?” Remus frowned.

“In the show, they interviewed this woman who is an author, she grew up in Iraq and her dad was Hussein’s private pilot. While he did awful things and killed many people, he was still her uncle,” he continued, ignoring Remus’ again. 

While Fenrir was a horrible person, Remus wouldn’t exactly compare him to a man that committed genocide and dictated a country for 25 years. There was no correlation between the two. “You’re comparing Fenrir to Saddam Hussein?” 

“I just meant, there are two sides of people. Fenrir has the side he had when he was with you, and he also had the darker side.” Lyall explained. Remus did understand where he was coming from, there were probably many better examples of similar people than Saddam Hussein. “Not everyone is who they are at face value. You know this first hand from the industry you’re in. Behind closed doors people are different.”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it,” Remus reinforced his boundaries. 

“Remus, I’m not your mother,” Lyall sighed before noticing the photographs that Remus had put on the bed when he and Sirius had gotten home from the park. “What are these?”

“Photos. They were in the box. Christine got copies for me in case I wanted them.”

“That’s nice of her.”

“I’ve now got photos of me and a murderer, _ so _ nice.”

“You’re allowed to have emotions about him, nobody expects you to be a complete void.”

“Have you talked to Mum lately?”

“You’re not the only one that lost him, Remus. He was her friend, she trusted him,” Lyall said with a little more venom than Remus had expected from his dad.

“And who am I? The monkey’s uncle?” Remus sat up properly and looked at his dad, who was looking at the photos of Remus and Fenrir.

“That’s not what I meant. He put you through some shit but that doesn’t mean he didn’t put Hope through something similar,” Lyall explained, getting frustrated with Remus. “You have no idea what it was like to have you go missing multiple times and him being the reason why.”

“You say I’m allowed to talk to you about it, but then when I do you’re all like ‘well, you’re just being selfish and not everything is about you,’ and then you both complain about how I never talk about it or come home,” Remus voiced his frustration with his father. The way Lyall had talked about it made Remus feel as if he was being selfish for struggling to come to terms with what had happened. It didn’t help that whenever Remus did try to talk about it, he was shot down by both of his parents. “This is fucking gaslighting.”

“Remus,” Lyall rolled his eyes.

Remus got up from his bed and started quickly packing his bag. “I’m going home.”

“This is home.”

“This hasn’t been home for a long time.”

Remus went downstairs and found Sirius talking to one of his aunts. He tapped on Sirius’ shoulder, “Hey, can we talk?”

“Sure, another round of honesty?” Sirius said stepping away from Michelle, to give them more privacy.

Remus shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m going home. You can stay, I don’t care, but I need to be anywhere but here.” 

“Right now?” Sirius raised his eyebrows, stunned at this development.

“Yep. Like I said, you can stay.”

“No, I’ll come with you.”

Remus didn’t bother saying goodbye to his dad but told his mum that he was leaving and kissed her cheek as Sirius was sorting out Snuffles. They managed to pack up Remus’ car and leave in under ten minutes. 

The realisation that he had probably ruined his mum’s birthday dawned on him as he got into Ponty. 

“Moons, don’t take this the wrong way please but I don’t think driving home tonight is a good idea. We can find an inn or something, but it’s late and you’re clearly emotional,” Sirius said as he rested his hand on Remus’ thigh. “Even if we just go to Bristol, I know Mum and Dad will happily have us.”

⁂

After an hour and a half drive to Bristol, they arrived at the Potter Manor. The house was massive, much larger than anything Remus’ parents could afford. He supposed that was a perk of going to a fancy boarding school, being surrounded by rich people who had rich parents and were more than happy to share their wealth with their kids. Sirius knocked on the front door and waited for it to open even though that he had his own set of keys to get in.

The massive dark wood front door opened and Euphemia stood in her dressing gown. She looked surprised to see them which meant that Sirius did not let them know beforehand that they were coming. If Hope had been there, she would have had to say something about bad manners. “Sirius, what are you doing here?”

“We were at Remus’ parents, something happened and we had to go. Is it okay if we stay the night?” Sirius explained what he knew, which was basically nothing. Tomorrow morning Remus knew Sirius would ask him what had happened. At least Remus would be able to sleep on what he would tell Sirius the next day, and how much of it.

“Of course, come in,” Effie held the door open for them to come in. Sirius kissed his mum’s cheek and let Snuffles into the house as Remus walked straight up to Sirius’ bedroom. Sirius bedroom was the exact same as it had been the last time Remus had seen it. There was a Doctor Who quilt that Effie had made James when he was around ten on his double size bed. All the furniture in Sirius’ room was white, as it had been the guest room once upon a time.

Sirius didn't say anything to Remus, but get undressed before slipping into his bed. Remus followed him and crawled into his ex’s childhood bed. There wasn't any speaking, just a mutual agreement that tonight was not the night to talk about it. Sirius just wrapped his arms around Remus and held his back against his chest. It wasn't a regular occurrence that Sirius was the big spoon but he didn’t mind the change.

Not soon after, Remus could feel Sirius’ breath on the back of his neck meaning he was asleep. No matter how long he shut his eyes and tried to sleep, he just couldn't get there. All he could think about was what his dad had said to him, and the pictures of the dead kids. Remus carefully removed himself from Sirius’ arms and walked down to the kitchen, hoping he could find some chamomile or peppermint tea to help get him to sleep.

When he entered the room, Euphemia stood over the sink, washing up dishes despite them having a dishwasher. She looked over her shoulder and gave Remus a soft smile. “Can’t sleep?”

“No,” Remus shook his head and leaned against the kitchen countertop. 

“Same,” she pushed the grey hair out of her eyes that had fallen out of her bun. Euphemia was always kind to Remus, probably knowing about how much Sirius actually cared about him and not wanting to be like his biological parents. Or at least that was his theory. “I don’t know what happened with your parents, Sirius didn’t say, but we’re always here for you. You mean the world to my sons and so you mean the world to me too.”

“Thank you, Effie,” Remus smiled at her, trying to mirror her kindness.

She stepped back from the sink and wiped her hands on the tea towel before going over to the kettle and turning it on. “I’ll make you some tea, how about that?”

“Thank you,” he said.

“Did it have something to do with Fenrir?” she asked while getting a teacup out of the cupboard above the kettle. 

That threw Remus through a loop. How did Effie find out about Fenrir? Did James or Sirius mention something? It didn't exactly seem to be something that you could just slip into casual conversation like ‘hey Mum, Remus actually knows a paedophile, what do you think of that?’, though depending on Sirius’ mood that could’ve very much happened like that. “How do you know about that?”

“I do like to know who my sons keep company with, especially the ones who they have a strong _ bond _ with,” she said, with a hint of amusement when it came to the word bond, confirming that she had some idea about what Sirius and he were to each other.

“I’ve known you since I was eleven, I-” Remus tried to explain. He didn't want her to think that he was a danger to Sirius or that this information changed who he was. 

“I've known since then. Like I said, I wanted to make sure my son was in good company. At first, I was hesitant about James becoming friends with you, but after I met you, I realised you weren’t like him.”

“You never said.”

“Remus, look at Sirius’ biological parents. I knew about them for a long time before he became James’ friend and brother. I’m not going to hold his parents actions over him,” Effie explained while holding up multiple tea bags for Remus to choose from. He picked out the chamomile one and she put it in the teacup. “I wouldn’t hold Fenrir’s over you.”

“Dad basically said that I’m selfish for only caring about what Fenrir did to me and that I never think about what he did to Mum. This was after he told me that I can talk to him about this, like he understands what I’m going through,” he unloaded onto Effie, who just nodded with her fingers resting on her chin.

“What are you going through?” she asked.

“I spent all day at the police station looking at pictures of his victims, there were over thirty of them and the eldest was 13 and the youngest was two,” he said, looking down at Euphemia. She was quite short, only coming up to his armpits. “I mean, I thought I had some idea of what I was getting myself into after I had been the one to find the photos. I knew what he was and what he had done before all this, I just… I don’t know.”

She nodded before saying, “Do you want my thoughts?”

“Sure,” he shrugged, the worst she could say was that he was being a selfish dick, but knowing her she would say it in a way that didn’t completely make him feel like a piece of shit. Euphemia was great at listening to people and making them feel supported, which was a reason why he did decide to tell her.

“Nobody can imagine what you are going through. Yes, while Hope is dealing with something similar, you were confronted with some truly heinous things. Things that most people can’t comprehend or begin to understand,” she shared. “I personally think you need to let him go, for your own sanity. I don’t mean pretending he doesn’t exist but learning to live with the fact that he isn’t who you thought or knew him to be. Being able to say out loud who he was to you and not letting it consume you. I don’t know how you can do this, but I know you’re strong enough to overcome this.”

“Sirius is really lucky to have you,” Remus smiled at her. After everything Sirius had gone through, he deserved to have someone like Effie to make him see that he was never overreacting about what his parents put him through, just the fact that she took him in with no questions asked.

“I am lucky to have him too. For such a long time I didn’t have kids. When James came along, I was so happy to have just one kid. Never thought that I’d end up with two.”

“Effie.”

“Yes, dear.”

“I just want you to know that I love Sirius.”


	8. That's The Way Love Goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ chapter's song: that's the way love goes by janet jackson]
> 
> Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire  
My love is blind, can't you see my desire?

Remus found himself sitting on the kitchen counter eating mashed potatoes out of a saucepan while watching the 1990 Cher movie _ Mermaids _ in just his jogging bottoms. 

Sirius had been at James’ for three days now after they were told during therapy that they needed to spend more time apart. Something about them both being too dependent on each other, which Remus didn’t think was entirely true. While they shared friends and lived together, it wasn’t as if they spent every waking hour together. 

But Remus figured he might as well make the most out of the night. It was completely indulgent yet Remus couldn’t find a single fibre in his body that remotely gave a shit. Sirius hadn’t even sent a single text to him this week, not even a simple ‘hey’ or ‘how are you’. It was like all the progress they had made in their relationship didn’t happen, which was frustrating. Remus had thought that maybe Sirius’ apprehension about them was getting less and less, but this week just proved he knew jack shit about what was going on in Sirius’ mind.

The moment Remus let his guard down, the Doctor Who theme started playing from his phone meaning one of his parents were calling. Remus bet that it was his mum, after the fight he had with his dad five days ago, she had been ringing almost every 12 hours. He did feel rather rubbish at not answering her calls but he didn’t feel like dealing with his parents bullshit or lies tonight. Not after the hour of therapy with Sirius and him getting pissed off enough to walk from Islington to Hampstead. 

Soon after his phone rang, the dinosaur roar from Jurassic Park played from his phone signalling someone had texted him. After staring at the phone for what felt like hours he reluctantly picked it up.

**Flo: Hope has been messaging me on facebook asking if I know if you’re okay? What happened?**

**Remus: i had a fight with dad, don’t worry about it**

**Flo: About?**

**Remus: who do you think?**

**Flo: Either Hope or Fenrir**

**Remus: try both**

**Remus: he basically called me selfish because i only think about myself when it comes to fenrir and never what mum's going through. this was after he told me i should talk to him about it. it’s just like, don’t tell me to open up and as soon as i do, make me feel like utter shit for doing so.**

**Flo: It's not selfish to be upset about it. Hope and you had different relationships with him. But it is rather shit to say my trauma is bigger than your trauma. When it comes down to it, everyone’s minds work in different ways and how it impacts people is different. How Lyall handled it was not well but I don’t think he is completely incorrect. Hope has had to deal with a lot of shit from Fenrir and you are definitely not alone in this.**

**Remus: right**

**Flo: I’m not gonna suck your dick and say that you’re perfect or anything. But I'm also saying that you are justified for feeling this way.**

**Flo: I think you should talk to Hope at least, she seems very worried about you. She loves you.**

Remus exited out of his messages and looked at his mum’s phone number, debating whether to call her or not before locking his phone and putting it screen down on the counter. While he did see Florence’s point, he wasn’t in the mood to talk to someone who had kept everything from him and still wouldn’t talk to him about it.

  
  
  


⁂

_ Remus was sitting in the school library with a textbook and notebook open, instead of doing his homework he was on his BlackBerry playing Brick Breaker. _

_ It had only been a week since Remus drunkenly decided to kiss Sirius. Since then Sirius had been avoiding him and Remus had been avoiding Sirius in return. It wasn’t unexpected since the first time they kissed (it wasn’t really a kiss, their lips touched very briefly) Sirius pushed him away and called him a queer. _

_ The moment when Sirius kissed him back and his hands had gripped his waist to pull him in closer replayed through his mind. He couldn’t focus on his homework at all, the only thing on his mind was Sirius’ pillowy lips. _

_ His thoughts were interrupted by his phone getting a text. He sighed as he pulled up the unread messages. _

** _James: I can’t find Sirius. Do u no where he is?_ **

** _Remus: no. we haven’t been talking lately_ **

** _James: Y?_ **

** _Remus: tell you later_ **

** _James: OK_ **

** _James: I’ve checked the dorms and the football field. He isn’t there._ **

_ The last thing Remus wanted was to be dragged into Sirius’ drama, whatever that may be. Yet Remus found himself packing up his belongings into his bag and going to find the boy. _

_ The first place he looked was behind the greenhouses, in case he decided to have a smoke. Sirius wasn’t there, but there were what looked like two fourteen-year-olds snogging and smoking. _

_ “Oi, you two.” Remus clicked his fingers at the couple to get their attention. When they pulled apart from each other, their faces looked horrified. Remus assumed it was because he was a prefect and smoking on the grounds was against school rules. _

_ “Don’t write us up, please!” the girl cried, her mascara started to run down her face while the boy stayed quiet. _

_ “I’m not going to fucking write you up.” Remus rolled his eyes. “Do you know where Sirius Black is?” _

_ “The hot guy?” the girl asked, dropping the crying façade and speaking clearly as if she had never been upset to begin with. Remus nodded, she frowned and looked at her boyfriend for guidance, but he stayed quiet. “He was here before us… um… he seemed quite upset about something. I think he mumbled something about the astronomy tower.” _

_ “Alright, thanks,” Remus said. While he was here, he figured he might as well try his luck at getting a cigarette since Lily found his and threw them in the bin in outrage. “Also, can I bum one?” _

_ “Why?” the boy finally spoke. _

_ “Consider it service for not writing you two up,” he smiled but it wasn’t a kind one. The boy sighed and pulled out the cigarette packet from his pocket and gave one to him. He took the cigarette from the boy and started to make his way to the astronomy tower. _

_ That was one thing he never understood about the school, and that was why they had an astronomy tower. It wasn’t as if science was a major part of the curriculum, a lot of people just chose the subject because nothing actually happened in it. At least, that’s why he and Sirius chose the subject, so they could fuck around all period and bullshit their way through school. _

_ When he got to the top of the tower, he found Sirius sitting at the ledge, behind the railing but his legs through gaps in the metal rods. The view was quite nice, the way the hills dipped and curved and the lake that sat in the valley. Remus pulled out his phone and messaged James. _

** _Remus: found him._ **

_ Remus pulled out his cigarette he bummed off the kids and put it between his lips as he sat down next to Sirius, sliding his legs through the gaps as well. They both sat quietly. For a moment Remus thought Sirius hadn’t realised he was sitting next to him until he put his cigarette between his lips. _

_ By the looks of it, Sirius had appeared to have been crying since his eyes were red and puffy. Nothing was said when Sirius pulled out his iPhone 3, going into messages before passing it to Remus. _

** _Wicked Bitch of the South: We got another call from the school about you getting into fights again. Neither one of us are impressed by your behaviour and we have decided that you won’t be getting any birthday or Christmas presents from the family. We have told them not to even acknowledge your existence as this seems to be attention-seeking behaviour. If you want to keep playing this game pretending that you’re not a Black and tarnishing our reputation, we won’t treat you like our son. You are the bane of our existence. I wish that I had gotten an abortion when I had the chance, your brother is much more suited to be the heir and isn’t nearly as much trouble as you are. Don’t even think about staying at school over Christmas, you will be coming home to face the consequences of your actions. This doesn’t mean we like you or want you here. You are nothing._ **

_ “I fucking hate that bitch,” Remus said, passing Sirius back his phone after he read the entire message. Sirius passed the phone back to Remus after going into a different conversation. _

** _Al: Hi Sirius, Walburga called me earlier this morning and used some colourful language about you. I want you to know, you’re always welcome here if you don’t mind coming to Cambridge and staying with Hugh and me._ **

_ Remus passed the phone back to him before taking Sirius’ lighter that sat between them and lighting his cigarette. There was a very high chance of getting in trouble for smoking, let alone in a ‘classroom’ which was more outside than inside. The lighter was old, he had stolen it from his grandfather after he died, it had his initials A.M.B engraved along with Toujours Pur. “Are you going to take him up on his offer?” _

_ “Don’t know,” Sirius said leaning into the flame so his cigarette lit. As Sirius took a drag of the cigarette and blew smoke out his mouth, Remus watched intently. He was absolutely beautiful. There was a beauty mark above the left side of his lips that were curled up at the corners. “I don’t want him to get in trouble with the rest of the family.” _

_ “You should, at least you’d be safe.” Remus leaned forward and looked back out at the view, the water winding in the crevices that the slopes left. The lake was reflecting off the sun, like thousands of diamonds glimmering. _

_ Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ll be fine.” _

_ The truth was that Sirius wouldn’t be safe or fine, he never was safe when he was at home. Whenever Remus saw him after he had been home, a purple bruise or two had vandalised his body. One time Sirius had come to James’ place on crutches because his ankle had been fractured because his father had done something to him. Sirius had always passed it off as being clumsy, which he wasn’t. _

_ The way Sirius moved was with purpose and gracefulness, there was also an overwhelming sense of confidence too. It was one of the many things about Sirius that attracted Remus to him. Nobody ever got in the way of Sirius when he was walking down the hallway, but that was probably because of the way he dressed. The general attitude of his clothing was ‘if you look at me, I will kill you’ with his black jeans, massive black combat boots, black shirt and a long-sleeved shirt._

_ One day Remus was passing Sirius in the bathroom and he had found out why Sirius wore the sleeves. There were healed cigarette burns and cuts. Remus knew his father had given him the burns but he wasn’t sure about the cuts. He didn’t want to ask about the latter and pretend he never saw it when Sirius knew that he had. Remus knew when Sirius was ready to talk about it, he would eventually, but until then he wouldn’t push. _

_ “I want you safe,” Remus said looking over his shoulder, back at Sirius. The older boy was looking at him with a small smile on his lips. _

_ Before Remus could tell what was happening, Sirius had cupped his cheeks and closed the distance between them with a kiss. Remus manoeuvred himself so that it was easier to kiss Sirius back. Without alcohol involved, the kiss was much better. Sirius’ mouth was warm and wet, it tasted like the cigarette that was between his fingers. _

_ At that moment, of them sitting at the top of the astronomy tower, their lips meeting as one, Remus knew that he would do anything for Sirius. Home was wherever Sirius was, after all. _

  
  


⁂

The front door slammed open and Sirius stood in the doorway looking frazzled. He threw his keys and wallet on the dining table before stopping right in front of Remus, his body slotting between Remus’ knees. 

Remus was about to open his mouth to say something, not yet decided on anything before Sirius held the back of his neck and pulled him down into a kiss. He let himself be kissed by Sirius, he didn’t know the next time this would happen.

Sirius’ mouth was warm and all too familiar. It was hard to focus on all the reasons Remus should push Sirius away, especially when his tongue was involved. All Remus’ walls that had been built up around this relationship were crumbling down just from the sweep of Sirius’ tongue.

“Bedroom,” Sirius mumbled against Remus’ lips when he pulled back to take a breath. It was the first time Sirius had actually spoken to him since he had gotten home. Yet Remus’ willpower had been demolished and he slid off the kitchen counter. Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him down the hallway before entering Remus’ bedroom.

As the door shut behind Remus, to keep Snuffles out, Sirius was pulling his white t-shirt over his head. All of Remus’ common sense was telling him to stop and have a conversation about what all this meant. The reality of the matter was that if he did dare to open his mouth and question what was happening, Sirius would retreat as quick as he had pursued this. 

A smile spread on Sirius’ face when he caught Remus watching him as he dropped the shirt to the floor. He took Remus’ hand and brought him over to his bed and pushed him down on it. Sirius took off his shoes and socks before climbing on top of Remus and straddling his waist. Both of Sirius’ hands were splayed out on either side of Remus’ shoulders. 

Remus propped himself up on his elbows and met Sirius halfway to kiss before pulling back and pressing their foreheads together. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Sirius’ eyes were fathomless, yet the tone in his voice was almost slipping into annoyance. 

“You don’t usually want to do this with me,” Remus explained simply. Sirius was never one for casual sex, even when he was drunk it was rare that he tried anything with Remus while they were not together. There was no alcohol on Sirius’ breath that Remus could smell, which left him even more confused about what was happening.

“I’m ready to get back together.” Sirius pushed himself up onto the back of his heels before starting to unbutton his lilac coloured trousers. 

Remus put his hand on Sirius’ thigh to stop him from taking them off before they actually did talk about what was happening. As much as Remus did want to pull Sirius closer and accept that he did want to get together at face value, he found himself wanting to know why. “You didn’t even want to talk to me before and now you’ve forgiven me?” 

“I worked some things out while at James’, he also talked some sense into me,” Sirius said leaning down to kiss Remus, who fell back onto the bed trying to avoid just sleeping with him without knowing what was actually happening. Last time he didn’t ask, Sirius accused him of cheating which he didn’t want to experience again. It was essential that Sirius be on the same page if they wanted this to actually work out. 

“As much as I want you, I think maybe we should talk about this,” Remus tried to move out from under Sirius, but he wasn’t budging. 

“If you don’t want to have sex with me, just say so,” Sirius snarked.

“It’s not that, it's just that I’m a little confused.”

“Why can’t we talk after we have sex?”

“Because it defeats the purpose of having a talk.”

“Which is?”

“I still don’t get why this is happening? Why now? What thought was so revolutionary that you came back?”

Sirius took in a deep breath. “I want to be with you and I’ve finally accepted that I can’t change the past and that I need to move on from this whole Kingsley thing for my sake. Keeping you an arm’s length away isn’t helping because I’m just hurting myself,” Sirius said while running both of his hands through his inky black hair. “It’s unfair for me to ask you not to sleep with other people when we’re not together, but it fucking hurts because it’s supposed to be me you go home with, not some random girl. I fucking miss you desperately and I’ve had enough of it, I don’t want to miss you anymore and I don’t want to watch you go home with someone else.”

“Oh,” was all that came out of Remus’ mouth. Sirius got off of Remus and was now standing on the floor and buttoning his trousers up. Realising his reaction was not what Sirius wanted, Remus pushed himself to the end of the bed and wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist. “Baby, I don't know what you want me to say.” 

“That you don’t want to take anyone that isn’t me home, that it’s only me you want and you do want to be with me. I just feel like you’re fighting this, so if you are, just tell me. I am a big boy and I can handle it.” Sirius stepped back from Remus’ embrace.

Remus sighed but desperately tried not to sound annoyed at Sirius even though he secretly was. Sex was easy to Remus. He found giving Sirius physical pleasure much easier than emotional. That was a reason why he wanted to talk to Sirius before having sex, he didn’t want his emotions to be eclipsed by the euphoria that came with being intimate with each other. Emotional intimacy was what he was shit at, rarely talking about what was happening and keeping it to himself until the lid of the bottle was forced off and everything came out like a sudden rush of emotions. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. If we’re going to do this, I want to do it right.”

“But you do want to do this?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, how many times do I have to tell you I want to do this? Because I will keep doing it until you realise that I am not going anywhere,” Remus articulated.

One of Sirius’ hands made its way into Remus’ hair, he gently brushed the hair away out of his eyes before twirling a few strands around his finger. “You need a haircut.”

“Yes, sir,” Remus said looking up at Sirius. 

“You should at least get one before the wedding.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Are you just agreeing to everything I say?”

“Maybe.”

Sirius ran his hand from Remus’ hair down his cheek and cupping it. “You also need to shave.”

“I'm thinking of growing a beard, Gandalf style.” Remus smiled while stroking his chin.

“You would not suit a beard.”

“I could pull off a beard.”

“No, you couldn’t.”

“What about a moustache?”

“No, that I think would be worse.”

“I could rock a moustache.”

“I would hold you down and shave it off.”

A smile formed on Remus’ lips. It was the type of smile that he couldn’t control, as if his face rebelled against his brain. “That’s almost the perfect sentence.”

“You’re an idiot.” Sirius shook his head before leaning down and kissing Remus. 

Their lips moved against each other, tongues meeting in the middle. Sirius unbuttoned his trousers as he snogged Remus thoroughly while shimmying out of them, trying his hardest not to break the kiss. Once Sirius was just in his pants, he sat on Remus’ lap before pushing him down and pinning him with one hand on his chest and another next to his head.

“You said you wanted me to hold you down,” Sirius breathily said a millimetre away from Remus’ lips.

“You’re amazing.” Remus leaned up with the little leeway Sirius gave him to kiss him but Sirius pushed him back down against the bed.

“Oi, I’m in charge.” Sirius smiled.

“Sure you are, love.” Remus smirked as one of his hands made its way down Sirius’ back before slipping beneath his pants and groping his arse. “Hey, Mr In Charge, am I allowed to get the lube?”

“Depends what you are planning to do with it,” Sirius spoke softly into his ear.

“I’m going to prepare your arse if that’s okay with you.”

“I thought I was in charge.” 

“You can bottom and be in charge if you want.”

“Sounds like false promises to me.

“I just miss your arse, that’s all.”

“Is that all you missed?”

“I missed your dick, I missed your lips,” Remus said running his hand from Sirius’ arse to his hard dick, cupping it over his pants before bringing his hand up to his lips. Sirius took two of Remus’ fingers and sucked on them all the way to his knuckle. “But most of all, I miss doing this,” Remus took his fingers out of Sirius’ warm mouth and held his face still, by the facial expression he seemed to think that Remus was going to kiss him. He leaned up and licked a stripe along his cheek.

“Arsehole.” Sirius took the hand that was resting on Remus’ chest and wiped the saliva from his cheek with the back of his hand.

Remus poked his tongue out. “You don’t ever complain about my tongue in other places.”

“That’s because it’s been in other places, I don’t want it on my face,” Sirius said while continuing to wipe his cheek.

“You know you just insulted yourself because you are where my tongue has been.” Remus wiggled his eyebrows at Sirius.

“You annoy me.” Sirius shook his head.

Remus motioned for Sirius to come closer with his index finger. “C’mere.” 

“Not if you’re going to lick me again,” Sirius laughed.

“I won’t, baby,” Remus said moving his hands to the back of Sirius’ head and carefully brought him down into a kiss. Without hesitation, Sirius allowed Remus’ tongue into his mouth. It had felt like forever since their last kiss and Remus couldn’t get enough of it. Even if they spent the rest of their life kissing, it didn’t seem like enough time. Every little touch from Sirius sent blood rushing down to Remus’ hardening member. 

Sirius pulled back from the kiss, their lips only a centimetre away from each other. “I thought I said I was in charge.”

“You are,” Remus said. Everything about Sirius was perfect in Remus’ mind — like Michelangelo had sculpted Sirius just for him and he had come to life. 

Shuffling awkwardly, Sirius moved himself in between Remus’ legs. He pecked Remus’ lips, trailing kisses from his jaw and down his body before stopping at the waistband of Remus’ jogging bottoms. Remus’ hands slipped from Sirius’ head before landing at his sides. A grin spread across his face as he held Remus’ hips in his hands. “I guess you could say I have my whole world in my hands,” Sirius said looking up at Remus’ face through his lashes.

“Fuck off.” Remus blushed, covering his face with the crook of his elbow but he still couldn't help but smile. No matter how hard he tried not to smile, it didn't work. 

Just as Remus thought Sirius’ was going to take his jogging bottoms off, he climbed over Remus’ legs and crawled over to the bedside table and opened the second drawer. Remus was surprised that Sirius even remembered that was where he kept his sex-related objects. “Have you been tested since the last time you’ve had sex?” Sirius asked as he pulled the lube out.

“Yes, I’m clean,” Remus admitted. After sleeping with someone, even if protection was used, he would get tested. It became less embarrassing to do the more times he went, not that he frequented the clinic a lot. In their friend group, everyone assumed Remus had a lot more sex than he actually did. 

Despite having a preference for men when it came to his sexuality, he didn’t sleep with them casually, mainly because being outed was not something he cared to experience. When he had first come out as gay, then later bi, hiding his sexuality wasn’t something he had planned on doing. It had just worked out the more well known the band had gotten, the more Remus clung to keeping his personal life private. 

Sirius shut the drawer and put the lube on top of the bedside table. Lying down next to Remus, Sirius leaned over and kissed him. No matter how much they kissed, it never bored Remus. He lived for the moments when it was just the two of them. Just being able to hold Sirius and pretend the outside world didn’t matter. 

Without any words, Sirius always managed to make Remus feel loved and wanted. That was a reason why didn’t feel the need to say ‘I love you’ to him because he felt it and he hoped he showed it. In that second, Remus realised how much he really did love Sirius. Sirius did do a whole speech about how he wanted Remus to stop fucking around, and despite knowing it will end as it always did, he knew he would risk his heart for Sirius no matter what. 

Remus’ hands cupped Sirius’ cheeks, holding him closer with no plans of letting him go. He rolled onto his side to make it easier for them to kiss and Sirius’ hands made their way down beneath his jogging bottoms. A moan from the back of Remus’ throat rose up as Sirius wrapped a hand around him. 

“Baby, pass the lube,” Remus muttered against Sirius’ lips. As soon as Remus has finished speaking, Sirius’ lips were back on his. Without even turning around, Sirius reached behind him and grabbed the lube from the bedside table before putting it into Remus’ hand.

With one hand holding something, Remus managed to pull Sirius’ pants down his tan legs to his knees. While one of Sirius’ hands were still working on Remus’ hard cock, he pushed his pants down the rest of the way before kicking them off when they reached his ankles. Sirius’ hand was on Remus’ neck, his touch was inviting and made Remus’ weak at his knees. 

Remus pulled back from the kiss slightly so he could look at Sirius. Despite being very accustomed to his nude body, he couldn’t help but take it in. He was gorgeous. And Remus wanted to remember this exact moment. All the curves and edges of Sirius’ body were perfect and alluring. More often than not, Remus found it hard to believe that Sirius wanted him. That this perfect looking human decided he was the one for him, that Sirius wanted him to touch him.

Taking advantage of not being distracted by Sirius’ lips on his, Remus rolled onto his back and awkwardly pulled down his jogging bottoms. While Remus got undressed, Sirius took the lube out of Remus’ hand and squeezed some of the clear liquid onto his fingers. 

Remus turned to face Sirius who had a finger knuckle deep in his hole. “You know, I could’ve done this for you.”

“I want to come with your dick inside me, not your fingers,” Sirius shakily said, his breathing audible as his eyes locked onto Remus’. 

Remus wrapped his hand around his cock while watching Sirius fuck himself on his hand. He was painfully hard from just watching the little show Sirius had going on. Even after spending years together, Sirius was still unaware about how much he actually turned Remus on and how it was taking all of his self-restraint to not fuck him into the mattress at that very moment. The eye contact was killing him, the fact that the only time Sirius ever broke it was to blink. A moan left Remus’ lips as his hand worked his length, coaxing him closer to his orgasm. Precome was leaking from the head of his cock and his lips were parted,

“I fucking…” Sirius started to say but stopped mid-sentence. 

“You what?” Remus said, his own voice unsteady.

“Want you so bad,” Sirius continued. He took his two fingers out of his hole, not that Remus have even noticed when he had added the second one. Without breaking eye contact with Remus, he applied more lube to his fingers before sliding three fingers into his arse. 

“You’re so fucking perfect,” Remus voiced just ahead of kissing Sirius with everything he had. The kiss was desperate and passionate, it reminded him off all the reunions they have had over the years and how they always found their way back to each other.

Sirius carefully moved on top of Remus, their lips only breaking apart for a moment before they met again with the same passion. Taking his hand out of his hole, Sirius wrapped it around Remus length, coating it in lube. Finally letting go of the tube, Sirius carefully guided himself down onto Remus’ rock-hard cock. 

A moan slipped out of Remus’ mouth as Sirius adjusted himself so that he was leaning over him with his hands either side of Remus’ head. They moved with each other, meeting halfway with every thrust. There was something about the way Sirius felt against him that always drew him in closer. 

Remus’ hands were all over Sirius’ body, bringing him closer to satisfaction. There was a shiver inside of Remus when their eyes met, he couldn't think of anything but Sirius. He was far too deep into this, way past the point of return. Sirius was under his skin. 

Sirius was an eclipse, the moon and sun at once. Bringing Remus in closer and closer, only to get blinded by him, but he was too deep to even remotely care about how fast he was falling. Everything just felt so right and good when it was them, and the entire world faded into the background.

“Oh fuck, Remus,” Sirius let out as Remus hit his prostate. Wanting to make Sirius call out like that again, his hands went to Sirius’ waist making him still so he could continuously hit that spot. 

With every thrust Remus found himself getting closer and closer to his climax. He slowed himself down to make it more drawn out, wanting to reduce Sirius to a moaning withering mess. Moving one hand from his waist, Remus moved it to his cock and slowly stroked him. 

Nothing compared to these moments they shared together, where even skin to skin contact didn’t feel close enough. Desire and pleasure ran hot through Remus’ veins as Sirius was surrounding him. It was suffocating but he didn’t care, not when it was him. 

Remus came with Sirius’ name on his lips, word after word as if it were a poem. Not long after, Sirius came, and he stilled himself as Remus reached onto the bedside table and grabbed two tissues to clean up the mess that Sirius had made on the both of them. He then slid off of Remus’ softened cock and laid himself on the bed next to him.

“Thanks for the sex,” Sirius said catching his breath and wiping the sweat off his forehead.

Remus raised an eyebrow at the man lying next to him. “You’re welcome, I guess.”

“You guess?” Sirius rolled onto his side to see Remus better.

“I’ve never been thanked for _ the _ sex,” Remus laughed rolling over to face Sirius.

“You have now.” Sirius shrugged his shoulder. “It was good sex, you should be thanked. All parties were satisfied.”

Despite the ridiculousness of what was coming out of Sirius’ mouth, Remus couldn’t help but smile about it. This was what he missed, not just the sex but being able to let his guard down and be a complete idiot without feeling bad about it or embarrassed. “You’re an idiot.”

“But you wouldn’t have me any other way?” Sirius propped himself up, the side of his face resting in his hand and his elbow pushing into the mattress. 

“Definitely not, you’re perfect.”

“Don’t say that it'll go to my head.”

Remus leaned over and pressed a kiss onto Sirius’ forehead. “You are.”

“How has Snuffles been in my absence?” Sirius asked.

“He has been wild, constantly inviting random dogs in and having raves, you know how kids are,” Remus quipped. Even with Sirius not being in the flat, Remus had kept to himself, he went grocery shopping the day before yesterday. At one point he even cleaned the bathroom which had been previously agreed to be Sirius’ job. “It’s been a real bachelor's pad, he is out of control.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “And you call me an idiot.” 

“No, he’s been good. He’ll probably be upset that you’re in my bed though, he quite likes sleeping next to me,” Remus explained. Snuffles had become quite fond of sleeping next to Remus, he didn't even mind it. It was quite surprising that he had gotten attached to Remus that quickly after being a rescue, but he reminded himself not all rescue dogs were treated poorly. Some people couldn't afford it, some people could have died or maybe they moved to somewhere they couldn't have a dog.

“That’s because he likes you more than me.”

“Probably because you’re on his side of the bed.”

“Bloody been my side of the bed longer than it’s been his.”

“Someone is getting jealous of the dog.”

“I was just saying, he stole it from me, I’m allowed to steal it back,” Sirius said as he curled up beside Remus.


	9. Fireproof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ chapter song: fireproof by one direction ]
> 
> 'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do,  
And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do,  
It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe we're fireproof,  
'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Remus asked Sirius as he caught him stealing a glance as they walked up the stairs to their flat. 

“I’m not looking at you like anything,” Sirius said innocently, his voice sounding like honey.

“I keep seeing you sneak glances at me. Do I have food on my face?” Remus asked. If he didn’t have grocery bags in his hands, he would wipe his face.

“Aren't I allowed to look at you?” Sirius said, skipping a step and going from walking beside Remus to in front of him.

“You are, just you’re being distracting.” Remus sighed.

“And this is my fault because?” Sirius turned around and started walking up the stairs backwards.

“You’re being distracting,” Remus repeated. 

“I’m distracting? You’re the one looking like that. It’s very distracting, especially your forearms,” Sirius waved his hand down the length of Remus’ body. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “My forearms are distracting?”

“I’m only a man, Remus, a very susceptible man,” Sirius said, before continuing, “I am a hopeless cause when it comes to you.”

“I’m sure you can manage until we get into our flat,” Remus chuckled softly.

“Can I?” Sirius said as he wrapped his arms around Remus’ neck and gently pecked his lips before kissing him again but a lot slower. 

Public displays of affection weren’t something Remus was entirely comfortable with, but there was no one else using the staircase so he let Sirius kiss him. The kiss was gentle yet enticing, drawing Remus in more and more. Remus wanted to drop the groceries so that he could hold and kiss Sirius properly. 

Sirius pulled back from the kiss with a smirk on his lips showing that he got exactly what he had wanted. “Baby, I’m trying to carry the groceries here which you so kindly offered to help with,” Remus laughed softly, feeling a little bit weak at the knees from the kiss if he was being honest.

“How am I supposed to look at you if I’m carrying groceries?” Sirius asked, taking a step backwards up the stairs.

“I’m sure you’ll manage.” Remus shrugged.

“But Remus, I’m a delicate flower and you are a strong man,” Sirius said in a sarcastic tone, and Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes. Besides that, Remus wasn’t _ that _ strong. And Sirius wasn’t delicate either. 

“I’m not as strong as you’re making me out to be,” Remus retorted.

“You’re not as stick-like as you believe you are,” Sirius replied and Remus just raised his eyebrow to coax him into explaining. “Oh come on, you can’t think I was calling you fat. You’re basically…”

“A stick?” Remus supplied.

Sirius huffed as he went down a step, his hands went to Remus’ shoulders. “You’re not like Chris Hemsworth, which is fine, massive muscles and all that is overrated but you’re not a complete stick, you’re fit.”

“You really have a way with words,” Remus teased.

“Piss off, I’m being nice,” Sirius’ arms fell beside him.

“Are you?” Remus questioned.

“Only you could take getting called fit as an insult.” Sirius rolled his eyes and turned around to walk up the stairs.

“You know what would make me feel better?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked over his shoulder. “I’m not sucking you off in the middle of the staircase, have some decency.”

“Ha ha, help carry the groceries.”

“But I’m dainty and frail.”

“I’ve seen you carry things enough times to know that you are not dainty or frail.”

“Yes I am.” Sirius stopped walking up the stairs and waited for Remus to catch up. When Remus made it to the stair below Sirius, he turned around and pouted, their faces nearly level now.

“No amount of pouting is gonna work on me,” Remus laughed, though the pouting was actually sort of working. When it came to Sirius, the boy knew exactly what to do to get the reactions that he wanted, which was a perk and a disadvantage. Remus knew that he never stood a chance against Sirius and his ways. “You’re an idiot.”

“And that is your favourite quality about me,” Sirius kissed Remus on the forehead before walking up the last couple of stairs.

Remus followed Sirius up the rest of the stairs. “If that’s what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night.”

“I find an orgasm helps me get to sleep at night, actually.”

“Tell me again why I’m dating you?”

“Because you’re usually getting an orgasm too.”

“Lucky me.”

“I’ll give you an orgasm when we get inside, to say thank you for carrying the groceries.”

“Is that a promise?”

“I know you want me to give you a blow job right now but I keep telling you, show some respect and common decency to our neighbours, they don’t want to see your massive dick down my throat.”

“You’re ever so charming.”

“Another quality of mine which you adore.”

Sirius got out his keys and unlocked the flat, stepping to the side to let Remus in first as Snuffles jumped off the couch with his tail wagging as soon as he saw Remus. With a dog at his feet, Remus made his way into the kitchen and started to put the groceries they didn't need for the lasagne or quinoa salad away. Once that task was complete, Remus started to prepare the vegan courgette lasagne, while Sirius stood at the other side of the counter looking at him again.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Remus asked.

“You’re just so beautiful,” Sirius responded without missing a beat.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re funny.”

“You really are beautiful.” Sirius smiled.

“If you’re going to sit there and gawk, can you at least help?” Remus asked, passing him five courgettes on a chopping board with a peeler and a knife. Since he was only cutting and peeling it was unlikely that he would screw up and burn them, or whatever his usual excuses were when it comes to cooking. Remus suspected that he could actually cook, no matter how often he argued to the contrary.

“Fine, how do you want them?” Sirius questioned as he picked up the knife and looked down at the courgettes.

“Cut the end off, take the peeler across it and keep peeling it until there is nothing left to peel,” Remus explained, taking the knife off Sirius and showing him what to do so that he didn't have any excuses if it turned out bad. “Got it?”

“Yes sir,” Sirius saluted before moving into the kitchen and washing his hands. 

Remus put the soaked cashews, almond milk, basil and salt into the food processor, pulsing it thoroughly until the concoction became thick and everything was blended well as nobody enjoys biting into an actual cashew while eating cashew cheese sauce. After that he moved onto the tomato sauce which involved a tin of diced tomato, tomato puree, artichoke hearts, more basil and sauteed onions. 

By the time he had finished, Sirius had cut the courgettes into long way slices that would be used instead of traditional lasagne noodles. He took the courgette slices from Sirius and covered them in salt before setting them aside to drain as much water out of them as possible. Twenty or so minutes later, Remus started putting the lasagne together. Sauce, courgette slices, cashew cheese sauce, repeat. Once complete, Remus put it into the oven and cleaned up the mess that had been left behind. After the lasagne was cooked and put aside, he thought it was the perfect time to have a shower as Sirius was taking Snuffles for a walk.

Remus walked into the bathroom, put on his playlist and turned on the shower. Only a few minutes later he heard the front door shut and Snuffles run inside. The bathroom door opened and Sirius walked in before undressing. 

“You are aware that there are two other bathrooms you could use?” Remus asked not bothering to turn around as he heard the shower screen open and close.

“I am aware but there are no naked Remus’ in them,” Sirius said, kissing Remus’ shoulder blade and reaching around to grab the shower gel. “I heard the shower going in this one, so my head told me to go in here.”

Remus turned around and smirked. “Maybe use your other head next time.”

“Why on earth would I do that?’ Sirius asked as he squeezed the shower gel into his hand while making eye contact.

“Because we both know you’re not in here to shower, while I am,” Remus said.

“It's all about saving water, love,” Sirius said as he lathered up the shower gel on his body, bubbles dripped down his torso. 

Remus’ eyes followed the bubbles down to Sirius’ hardening dick. “Sure it is.” 

“You know my eyes are up here,” Sirius took Remus' head in his hands and lifted his chin until their eyes met.

“I wasn't looking at your eyes,” Remus replied before kissing Sirius’ cheek.

“Charming,” Sirius rolled his eyes.

‘Hey, you were the one who got in the shower with me, it's hardly my fault for looking,” Remus explained.

“I mean I am irresistible.”  
  


“Keep telling yourself that.”

“I don't have to, your ‘eyes’ are telling me that.”

“Cheeky.”

“You were the one looking at me first.”  
  


“You came in here with deviant thoughts.”

“I would never do such a thing, I am a pure child who has never done anything wrong or deviant in my life!”

“Sure you are.” Remus placed his hand on Sirius’ hip to hold him still as he kissed him gently.

Sirius had a different idea though, he stepped closer while ignoring Remus’ hand on his hip. The kiss turned from gentle to heated within a matter of seconds. Earlier Sirius had said something about being hopeless but if anything Remus, that was Remus. It was like the world around him stopped mattering when Sirius came into view, let alone when they're kissing. Remus got backed up against the cool tiles, Sirius’ hand was now wrapped around Remus’ hard dick sending him into a moaning mess. 

When Sirius’ pulled his hand away, Remus was quite disappointed. A few seconds later Sirius found the lube and his now slick fingers made their way towards Remus’ entrance. To make things easier, Remus turned around and faced the tiles, which were cold against his hands. Once he was prepared, he arched his back enough and Sirius slid into him.

Moans filled the shower as Sirius rocked into Remus with a steady rhythm, his sweet spot being hit with precision. Remus came first with a cry, and Sirius wasn't far behind. After Sirius had pulled out of him, he steadied his body enough to clean himself before leaving the shower to Sirius to wash his hair while he shaved.

Remus stood in front of the mirror with shaving cream on his face while Sirius continued to wash his hair. Looking at himself in the mirror, he realised that Sirius did have a point about him needing a haircut. His hair completely hung over his eyes when it wasn't pushed across his forehead, the sides completely covered his ears. It was a curly mess that made him look like a teenager. A couple of nights before he had even gotten IDed when buying rollies. If his grandmother saw the state of it, she would be horrified.

“You know how we talked about moving?” Sirius asked, breaking the comfortable silence between them. Remus looked at Sirius’ reflection in the mirror and nodded. “I want to do it, I want to get a house.”

“With me?” Remus asked.

“No, I’m taking the dog and leaving you here,” Sirius sarcastically said. “Yes, with you.”

No matter how hard Remus tried not to smile, it kept breaking through his frown. The idea of them living together in a house they bought together was exciting to Remus. They had briefly talked about it when Sirius had adopted Snuffles, but it didn't really seem like a thing that was actually going to happen. It was a fantasy, but now it just might turn into reality. An actual house rather than a flat with no balcony, where Sirius could do gardening and buy as many plants as he wanted, where Snuffles wasn’t trapped inside all the time, where he might actually have a decent kitchen that didn’t include an oven with the element at the bottom -- AKA, the worlds most stupid invention. 

On the other hand, there was a risk. What if they broke up for food? They would have to deal with figuring out which one of them would move out... and all that it just seemed like a lot of horrible work. Yet the excitement won over the anxiety, and Remus found himself not worrying so much about the future of their relationship for what felt like the first time ever.

“Whereabouts were you thinking?” Remus asked before bringing the razor down the side of his face. Even though Remus had lived in London since he was eighteen, Sirius knew it much better.

“There are a few places in St John’s Wood,” Sirius said as he squeezed the conditioner into his hand that made a wheezing sound. Remus made a mental note to add it to the shopping list so they didn't run out.

“God, you’ve got expensive taste,” Remus sighed as he rinsed the razor. St John’s Wood was not only expensive and had the Abbey Roads Studios, but it was also known to have a lot of famous people who lived there. Keith Richards, Mark Ronson, Ewan McGregor and Richard Branson were all known to have lived there at some point. They didn't need a house that was ten million quid or anything like that. If anything, Remus did not want some expensive and lavish home. A house with a decent kitchen, working plumbing and a yard would suffice, there was no need to get a mortgage so large. “We can’t afford it there.”

“Well, we’ll sell this place. I have the money coming in from Alphard’s place on top of the money that he left me, which I haven’t even made a dent in. It’s not like either of us are ridiculous spenders, and we have the money coming in from the band,” Sirius explained as if all that money would cover it. The flat would sell somewhere between half a million and a million, and neither of them really made much money. It was enough to be comfortable, but not enough for a ten million quid house. The only thing that would allow them to move in somewhere as expensive as that would be the money Alphard left, but Remus actually had no idea how much that was.

Remus rinsed the razor again after shaving another section of his face. “How much money did Alphard have?” 

“A lot,” Sirius replied.

“How much is a lot?” Remus asked curiously. He never cared about how much Alphard left Sirius, and Sirius had never talked about an exact number before. It was always ‘a lot’ or ‘enough I don’t ever need to work again’. 

“Nine figures,” Sirius said, and in the reflection of the mirror Remus could see that Sirius was smirking. 

“Fucking hell,” Remus cursed.

“We can afford it,” Sirius added.

“You can afford it,” Remus corrected. 

“I’m not going to leave you behind,” Sirius said, shutting off the water and stepping out of the shower.

Remus sighed. Sirius was often unaware of the price of things. He never looked at the price tag when he bought something, even when he bought Francesca his guitar, the price of it didn't even concern him. To live life in such luxury and be so oblivious to how the real world worked was far different from how Remus lived, and he didn't want a free ride. It was meant to be their home, and it would hardly be theirs when Sirius would be the one buying it outright while Remus put nothing towards it. “I don’t want to be taken care of, Sirius.”

“Remus, stop being stubborn.” Sirius grabbed his towel, using it to quickly dry himself before wrapping it around his waist. He walked up behind Remus and wrapped his arms around his waist. A gentle kiss was pressed against Remus’ back and Remus took a deep breath in. In the reflection Remus could see Sirius’ peeking over his shoulder, and he could tell that Sirius was pouting even though his mouth was unseen. “St John’s Wood is a nice area, they actually have gardens that Snuffles can run around in.”

“The whole point was downsizing,” Remus stated. It was the point. They lived in a five-bedroom flat with three bathrooms, yet Sirius wanted to move to a neighbourhood that was riddled with houses with tons of bedrooms and other rooms that were not definitely needed. Nobody needed a media room, multiple living rooms, a study and a library.

“We need at least three bedrooms, or two and a study,” Sirius said. Remus raised his eyebrows waiting for him to explain. “Our room, guest room and a place to put my guitars.”

Remus did chuckle at the fact Sirius wanted a room to put his guitars. The fact that he didn't mention separate rooms for them did pique his interest. It seemed as if Sirius had thought this out, it wouldn’t surprise him if he had already visited places he liked. “Not separate rooms?”

“The whole point of this is to move as a couple,” Sirius frowned.

“What if we break up?” Remus asked, playing devil's advocate.

“I’m not planning on breaking up with you. Are you planning on breaking up with me?” Sirius said with a frown still on his face.

“No,” Remus shook his head.

Sirius unwrapped his arms from Remus’ waist and took a step back from the embrace. “You do realise most couples who live together share a bed all the time, even when they’re upset at each other.”

“I had no idea,” Remus said sarcastically.

“If you want to we can get separate rooms,” Sirius suggested. The last thing anyone wants to do after breaking up is to share a bed with the other person. That’s why they didn’t currently share a bedroom, or at least that was Remus’ understanding of it. 

“No, no, it’s okay,” he said, because he actually was okay with it. He wanted to wake up every day next to Sirius. 

“You sure?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, I would kiss you, but...” Remus pointed to his face, which still had shaving cream on it. Sirius pushed himself up onto his tippy toes, taking Remus’ head in his hands and kissing the top of his head.

After Remus had finished shaving, they had both gotten dressed. Remus decided on just a striped shirt with black jeans while Sirius was in baby pink trousers and a pink shirt that said ‘surf motel’ in red writing tucked in. Sometimes Remus questioned Sirius’ fashion choices but it wasn't like Remus was the one wearing it, and therefore, it didn't matter as long as Sirius was happy. Somehow Sirius always made the weirdest fashion choices look incredible, or maybe Remus was just extremely biased, he couldn't decide which was more accurate. 

An hour later Remus had parked his car down the road from James and Lily’s home as London had a severe lack of off-street parking. It sometimes drove Remus crazy, having to park streets away from the destination because the street was full of residents who had nowhere else to park. 

“When did we get so grown up?” Sirius asked as he shut the car door with his shoulder, his arms occupied by holding a bowl full of quinoa salad that Remus had thrown together for the dinner party. 

“What do you mean?” Remus asked as he locked the car while balancing the lasagne he had made in one arm. While he had an idea of what Sirius meant, it always felt very grown-up for them to have dinner parties rather than go clubbing or whatever most people their age did. 

Remus wasn't a fan of clubbing really, sometimes he felt like he was actually a 70-year-old stuck in the body of an overgrown child. Clubbing usually meant getting recognised by someone, so he never felt like he could be his entire self. He had to be aware that if he even held Sirius’ hand that it could possibly make the news. Being on edge all night was not what Remus classified as fun. At least with the dinner parties, if he wanted to snog Sirius he could without anyone thinking twice about it. There would probably be a few comments like ‘get a room’ or something along those lines, but it was never gossip-worthy. The ins and outs of their relationship was hardly of interest, considering how often their relationship status changed.

They did occasionally go to the pub that Emmeline worked at if they even left the house at all. The last time they went was when they were babysitting Nymphadora, which was something that Remus never wanted to experience again. He didn't mind children in theory, but when he had to spend hours with them, he wanted nothing more than to die. It was safe to say, even if he and Sirius did get married which was highly unlikely considering Sirius’ views on marriage and it being a pointless institution, children were firmly off the table. 

“Our best friend is getting married and instead of getting blackout drunk at a stag night we are having a dinner party,” Sirius explained as they walked towards James and Lily’s house. While Sirius did have a point, stags did have a reputation of being wild but James wasn't really that sort of person. Parties were always more Sirius’ thing and James would just go along with it, much like Remus. Sometimes it felt like it was Sirius’ world and they were just along for the ride. “We’re twenty-five, not fifty.”

“I’m sure you could get blackout drunk here if you tried,” Remus supplied.

“But that’s lame, who gets that drunk at a dinner party?” Sirius asked as they walked down the street. It was much like a normal London street with more trees than usual, cars were parked on the side of the road as no one had off-street parking, row after row of terraces all looking rather similar architecture wise.

Remus smiled. “Make it a sinner party.”

“You are the opposite of funny sometimes.” Sirius suppressed his smile even though it wasn't really funny. Remus could see it in the way he was forcing himself to frown but failing at it. The easy banter between them was one of the reasons why Remus loved Sirius. When their relationship was good it was always so easy to forget the bad and only remember how great everything felt when Sirius was around.

“Why are you holding back laughter then?” Remus asked. “When you get married you can always get blackout drunk at your stag do.”

“Is that you giving me permission?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“You'll have to talk to the guy you’re marrying about it,” Remus responded.

Sirius halted in his tracks. “You say it like it wouldn’t be you.”

“Sirius, you've been telling me how marriage is a pointless institution. It’ll take someone much better than me to get you down the aisle,” Remus explained even though he knew Sirius wouldn't accept that answer. It felt like the easy banter between them was slipping away and the ugliness of their previous relationship was starting to seep through the cracks. Remus wanted to stop it before anything worse happened.

“So you don’t see us getting married?” Sirius asked.

“No, I don’t,” Remus responded truthfully.

“Then why are we doing this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are we together if you don’t want to marry me?” Sirius asked as if he hadn't complained about marriage ever. It was always the same thing, it was a pointless institution that is ownership. Sirius didn't want to be owned, which Remus understood as his parents acted like they owned him growing up. Maybe if he had parents that were positive role models in his life he might have different opinions, but then it wouldn't be the Sirius that Remus loved. It would be an unknown version. 

“I never said I didn’t want to marry you, I just said I don’t think we will,” Remus explained. He did want to marry Sirius, he could imagine them getting married but he knew Sirius wouldn't be happy with it, so he never tried to pursue it. After all, he was quite content with getting whatever Sirius wanted to give.

“Sounds like the same thing to me,” Sirius stated.

“Do you want to get married?” Remus asked, trying to get Sirius to see his side of the discussion.

“No,” Sirius replied.

“Then why would we get married if you don’t want to? I’m not going to ask you to do something I know you have no desire to do,” Remus said. And didn’t most couples break up after a denied proposal? At least it seemed that way. Remus didn't want to test the waters at all, particularly since he knew the answer to the question and there was no point in making Sirius feel shitty about his views. “I don’t get why you’re upset that I said I won’t marry you and how our relationship is pointless when you don’t even want to get married.”

“Well, I…” Sirius stumbled around his words but started walking again, giving Remus the sign that he wasn't really that angry about it. “Do you want to marry me?”

“Sirius, I really don’t want to have this conversation right now,” Remus sighed, if they were going to have this conversation he would rather it be in private rather than on a street in the middle of Hampstead where anyone could hear it. Conversations like this were best saved for private.

“Meaning?” Sirius frowned.

“No matter what I say you’re not going to like my answer,” Remus dodged the answer.

“It’s a simple question, Remus,” Sirius criticised

“Yes, I want to marry you but I know how you feel about it and I’ve accepted that it’s not going to happen,” Remus shared, partially annoyed that Sirius wasn't listening to what he was saying. Their relationship was basically doomed now.

“I didn’t realise you felt this way,” Sirius said, sounding surprised at the answer Remus gave, as if he hadn't told him indirectly before. “You do realise it would mean only having sex with me for the rest of your life?”

“That's not a hardship,” Remus smiled weakly, stopping at the gate in front of James’ house. It wasn't a hardship at all, the only time he did sleep with other people was when they were not together to get his needs met by someone else. “Sirius.”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied.

“This might be stupid to say but I don’t mind if we never get married, just being partners is more than enough,” Remus shared, not wanting to scare Sirius away with the prospect of marriage. Sirius was all that Remus needed. He didn’t need a piece of paper to acknowledge them as a couple when Sirius was more than enough on his own. Remus looked down at the lasagne in his hands. “It’s like you’ve made a lot of lasagne for me, so much lasagne but there is this one lasagne I want but you can’t make it. I might be a little upset, but then I remember I already have enough lasagne to make me happy and I forget about the lasagne I want.”

“Okay.” Sirius shrugged apparently unfazed about the conversation that just took place.

“We’re good, right?” Remus asked nervously, not wanting Sirius to slip away.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Sirius said while opening the gate before looking over his shoulder back at Remus. “Nice analogy.”

“It was the first thing that came to mind,” Remus rolled his eyes but had a small smile on his lips.

“I can’t even make lasagne,” Sirius laughed.

“That’s why it’s an analogy and not the truth. Plus, lasagne is nothing like marriage,” Remus opened the front door without bothering to knock as they were already expected.

“What makes you say that?” Sirius asked as he followed Remus down the hall.

Remus smiled. “Lasagne makes you happy, marriage doesn’t.”

“What are you two talking about?” Lily asked as the couple entered the kitchen. Lily was in a mini denim skirt and a white t-shirt that Remus suspected belonged to James. She held a glass of red wine in one hand, waiting for a response.

“Lasagne and marriage,” Sirius said, finding a space to put the salad down.

“Are you two?” Lily looked up with both of her brows raised.

“No.” Sirius denied.

“Oh,” she said, putting her wine down. 

“We do have lasagne though,” Remus replied, trying to lighten up the mood. 

“And a quinoa salad,” Sirius added.

“Is that the vegan lasagne?” She asked, looking at Remus hopefully.

“Yes, it’s the vegan lasagne,” he confirmed.

“If I wasn’t already marrying James, I would marry you,” she smiled brightly.

“Oi,” Sirius interjected.

“It was a joke, Mr Sensitive,” she rolled her eyes taking the lasagne off Remus, looking at it with a loving gaze.

“I’m not being sensitive.” Sirius huffed.

“If you say so,” she replied, obviously trying to not start an argument with her soon to be brother-in-law. “Do I need to do anything to the lasagne?”

Remus walked around to the other side of the counter to get out of Lily’s way in the kitchen. “It’s cooked but it does need to be warmed up.” 

“I can’t believe you convinced James to have a dinner party instead of a stag do,” Sirius complained.

Lily looked up at Sirius and frowned again. “Actually, he was the one that wanted to do this.” 

“Yeah right.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“What is your issue with me today?” Lily asked, giving up on letting it be.

“I don’t like people flirting with him,” Sirius explained simply. 

While Sirius used that as an excuse, which was partially valid, Remus didn't think that was all there was to it. After knowing Sirius as long and well as he did, Remus surmised that he was possibly jealous of Lily. Not that Sirius wanted to marry James, rather that she was going to be taking him away. To Remus it didn't make any sense as they had been practically married for years now, next weekend they were simply going to make it official. 

“Sirius, it was just a joke. He knows it’s a joke too,” Lily sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. 

“You’re going against the rules,” Sirius stated.

“The rules are bullshit, in my personal opinion.”

“They’re not bullshit, I don’t want to see people flirt with him just like how you don’t want people to flirt with James.”

“It was harmless, I’m not genuinely flirting with him.” Lily took a large sip of wine. “Everyone but you is over the crush I had on him.”

“I’m getting a drink, do you want one?” Remus walked into the kitchen and kissed Sirius’ cheek along the way in an effort to diffuse the situation.

“I’m drinking a merlot, did you want some?” Lily asked Sirius.

Sirius smiled. “Sure.”

“We should have some whiskey somewhere,” Lily said while getting out a glass for Sirius.

“I’m driving,” Remus opened the fridge. In most houses it would probably be considered rude to go through someone else's fridge but they have all been friends for such a long time they were more like family than friends.

“We have coke or fancy water,” Lily got out a cup for Remus.

“Coke is fine,” Remus said, pulling out the large bottle Coca-Cola from the fridge door and making his way over to the cup.

“What’s fancy water?” Sirius asked.

“Oh, mineral water or whatever it’s called,” Lily said, pouring the wine for Sirius before passing it to him.

“Sorry, I was just dropping Harry off with my parents,” James’ announced as he entered the room. Sirius looked at him confused as their parents lived in Bristol and that was not a short drive. When James noticed the look, he continued, “They're at a hotel in London.”

The frown didn't budge from Sirius’ face. “They didn’t tell me they were in town.”

“They got in the afternoon, they’re not hiding from you,” James chuckled before kissing Lily on the cheek. Remus noticed that James was holding a present of some description, probably a wedding for the wedding.

“What hotel are they staying at?” Sirius asked.

“The Shangri-La. Their living room, because their suite has a living room, overlooks all of London,” James explained. The Shangri-La was one of the most expensive hotels in London, it was in the Shard and was very posh, not that Remus had ever been inside it. 

“Sounds expensive,” Remus stated.

“I did some googling and it was something like eight-thousand pounds for one night,” James laughed at the asburdidy of his parents. 

“No,” Lily gasped as she put the lasagne in the oven to warm it up.

“That is fucking ridiculous,” Sirius’ mouth hung open.

Times like this made Remus feel like he was on the outside looking in. James and Sirius both came from money. And a lot of it. Remus grew up in a town in Wales where the rich were considered upper middle class. When he first met Sirius and James, he wondered why they would even be friends with him when their families seemed like rich snobby Tories, or at least Sirius’ did. James’ parents always seemed more down to earth than that. His parents tried their hardest to put Remus through Hogwarts, sometimes he felt bad that it had come down to sending him away to protect him from Fenrir but his parents saw it as a necessity and their headmaster, Dumbledore, took pity and gave them fee support. 

“I know, Harry isn’t going to want to come home,” James chuckled and passed the present to Remus. He simply looked at it, not knowing whether he should take it. “Oh, Remus. Mum told me to give this to you, something about how she hopes you feel better.”

Remus reluctantly took it, feeling silly to be getting a present for basically bitching about his parents to Effie. Also, money could have been spent on her son’s wedding rather than on him. It felt wrong, especially when the day wasn't even about him, maybe if it was close to his birthday it would make sense, but it was August.

“Are you going to open it?” Sirius asked, peering at the present. It was rectangular and wrapped in silver wrapping paper. There was a card that just said _ Enjoy x - Euphemia _.

“I think it’s alcohol, personally,” James shrugged.

“Open it,” Lily left the vegetables and came over to where Remus was standing.

Giving into the peer pressure, Remus opened the present and found that it was a bottle of Port Ellen whisky, which was surprising. While Port Ellen wasn't hard to find if you were looking in the right places, it was awfully expensive, some bottles costing around 5000 quid. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he exclaimed.

While Remus lived comfortably, especially with Sirius so well off, he never cared for spending obscene amounts on alcohol. That was more Sirius’ thing. More than once he had bought bottles of wine that cost more than that. He also knew Sirius’ family had a winery in Bordeaux that made bottles worth an obscene amount. One time Remus googled the winery and saw that the 1962 vintage was something around fifty-thousand quid which was just ridiculous. Nobody needs wine that expensive and nobody should sell it for that much. Not when Grape juice was a quid from Sainsbury’s.

“What?” Sirius asked.

“It’s Port Ellen,” Remus said as if it meant anything to Sirius, Sirius wasn't crazy about whisky, if he wasn't drinking wine it would either be beer or vodka redbull, which gave Remus anxiety because Redbull was a caffeine, which is a stimulant, and vodka a depressant. He didn’t know how many times they were taught at Hogwarts not to mix or have one after another because it could cause heart problems, including cardiac arrest. While he knew it was a little far-fetched that someone would die from a vodka redbull, it wasn't impossible.

“Meaning?” Sirius asked, still lost on what that meant or what Remus even meant.

“Port Ellen was a distillery in Islay, it closed down in the 80s, so basically everything is collectors items and expensive,” Remus explained. 

“How expensive is that bottle?” Lily questioned.

“Thousand quid to five,” Remus guessed. The bottle said 1978 and if he had to guess an actual price, he would put it at nearly two thousand.

“Well, safe to say Remus is the favourite,” James laughed.

“I can’t accept this,” Remus said looking at James.

“Well, too bad. Would you really tell my mum that you don’t want it?” James raised his eyebrows.

“You chose the right family to marry into,” Remus told Lily. He knew her family was much like his, not much money, but determined to send their daughter to a good school. During prefect rounds they came to know each other's family life quite well and bonded over not coming from money. 

“And here I was going to cancel the wedding for some lasagne,” Lily smiled.

“What?” James frowned.

“It was a joke, don’t worry about it,” she kissed his cheek.

“Do you want to be alone with it?” Sirius whispered in Remus’ ear when he caught him looking at the whisky.

“You think you’re so funny.” Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius.

“I am funny, it’s one of your favourite qualities of mine,” Sirius kissed his shoulder.

Remus took a sip of coke. “If you say so.”

Mary walked into the room, moving to kiss everyone’s cheeks including Sirius’, who just looked stunned to just be included. It was not exactly a secret that they didn’t get along -- mainly Sirius’ fault for being a dick to her. For reasons unbeknownst to Remus, Sirius wass so sure that Mary was flirting with Remus and that he would eventually leave him for her. Even if Mary was flirting with him, not that he personally saw it as flirting, it wasn’t as if he wanted to be with her. 

“I can’t actually cook so I brought cheese board shit,” Mary announced as she put two grocery bags on the kitchen counter.

“That’s fine, I’ll get a board,” Lily smiled and took out a dark green glass chopping board that had ducks on it from under the sink. 

Remus watched Mary take out the food from the bags, there was a range of dips, crackers and cheeses. She carefully placed them on the board before taking it over to the dining table so that it didn’t get in the way with Lily and James’ cooking.

Mary came back over to the kitchen and noticed the bottle of whisky sitting in the middle of the counter. She picked it up and examined the bottle, looking thoroughly impressed by it. “Whose whisky is this?”

“Remus’,” Sirius said before taking a sip of his wine. The dramaticness of it all made Remus roll his eyes.

“I didn’t know you were a whisky drinker,” Mary stated, still holding the bottle in her hand. Remus figured that she wanted to drink it, but he still hadn’t even decided on whether he would open it or not. 

“It’s his preferred drink,” Sirius supplied, talking for Remus again. 

“You’re not drinking it?” she asked Remus directly, probably getting annoyed with Sirius talking for him. Not that he entirely blamed her, sometimes it did get annoying. Sirius always had to prove that he knew him better than anyone else, but not just that, that nobody could even come close to how well they knew each other.

“I’ve got to drive,” Remus explained, looking down at his cup of coke, only just realising it was in a children’s cup. It had animated dogs in various work uniforms including police. The name Matthew was printed on it, which made no discernible sense at all.

“Why’d you bring it then?” she asked confusedly.

“He didn’t, it was a gift from my mum,” James said.

Sirius took it from the counter. “I’ll take it out to the car so no one drinks it.”

“You don’t have to,” Remus said.

“It’s fine,” Sirius called out as he walked down the hall.

“He’s in a mood,” Mary stated looking down the hall where Sirius disappeared down.

“He’s been like that with me as well. I made a joke about marrying Remus and he got annoyed with me,” Lily shrugged. It was common knowledge that Sirius didn't particularly like Mary, especially for how friendly she was with Remus.

“Did you want a drink?” James asked Mary, a strong attempt to steer the conversation away from Sirius.

“Rum and coke, thanks,” she responded and James nodded before walking out of the kitchen.

“Who is Matthew? Are you pregnant?” Remus inquired about the cup that he was using. Being pregnant was the only conclusion he could come to, but that didn't explain why she was drinking.

“Oh, no. James was meant to order cups that said Harry but he chose the Matthew cups because he thought you could change the name in the checkout process, but they were all individual items, if that makes sense,” Lily laughed. It was actually such a James thing to do, accidentally buying cups with the wrong name on it. “So anyways, we have three cups that say Matthew on them because James was too embarrassed to send them back.”

“Right, you would think that he would check if they had Harry cups before he ordered.” Remus smiled.

“Yeah, you would, wouldn’t you?”

“Any reason why I have a Matthew cup then?”

“We’re only using plastic tonight because I can’t be fucked to deal with broken glass.” 

Their conversation stopped when Benjy, Fabian and Gideon walked into the kitchen together. It was strange because Emmeline wasn't with them, meaning either she wasn't coming or they were not together. Benjy went over and stood where Sirius was before.

“Where’s your other half?” Remus asked Benjy.

“She was at her sister’s in Bromley, she should be here soon. What about yours?” Benjy answered.

“He was taking something to the car,” Remus said, which caused Benjy to smile as if Remus had just proved something. 

Benjy raised a brow. “So, does that mean you two are back together?” 

“I was just answering a question,” Remus defended himself.

“I didn’t say his name, I called him your other half. I could be talking about anyone, yet you assumed it was Sirius,” Benjy went on to explain.

“Well, he's the only person I’ve dated recently,” Remus justified his answer. Regardless of the fact that he and Sirius were back together, he didn’t feel that this was the right time to tell everyone. Their friends were getting married and he didn’t want to make it about him and Sirius. 

“Touché,” Benjy nodded. 

“Seems like everyone got here at the same time,” Sirius mentioned as Dorcas and Marlene greeted everyone. Remus jumped at the sound of his voice coming from behind as he didn’t know Sirius was even back yet. “Why does your cup say Matthew?”

“James ordered the wrong cups,” Remus told him.

“What a fucking idiot,” Sirius laughed.

“Who is an idiot?” James asked from the other side of the kitchen counter.

“You are, Jimmy.” Sirius picked up the cup to show James. “Matthew, really?”

“We’re changing Harry’s name,” James informed Sirius.

“Sure you are.” Sirius rolled his eyes and put down the cup. “What name even is Matthew? Mat is a thing you put on the floor, not a name.”

“Serious is an adjective not a proper noun,” Remus retorted.

“Anything can be a proper noun if you’re brave enough,” Sirius pointed out.

Remus smirked. “You just contradicted yourself.”

“Well, Remus is a stupid name,” Sirius faltered.

“You didn’t think it was stupid earlier,” Remus replied bringing back the memory out of what they had done in the shower. Benjy, who had been pushed to the side as Sirius sandwiched himself between the two, seemed very pleased with this response. Almost like it was a confirmation that they were together. 

“Shut up,” Sirius mumbled.

Gideon walked up to Sirius and put his hand on his shoulder. Sirius jumped at the touch which drew Remus’ attention to him. By nature, Sirius wasn't a jumpy person, unless it involved jumpscares in horror movies. Now that Remus thought of it, Gideon wasn’t unlike a horror movie. “Hi,” Gideon said and that made Remus want to punch him in the face. Not because he was jealous, or partially it was because of that, but Remus would rather deal with Snuffles and dead birds than seeing Gideon. 

“Hi,” Sirius said with a bored tone. 

“Can we talk?” Gideon asked, moving his hand from Sirius’ shoulder to forearm. By the look Sirius gave him, Remus could tell he was not in the mood to deal with whatever Gideon wanted to talk about. It was cold, the only time Remus had seen a look like that was from Orion.

“No.” Sirius grabbed Gideon’s hand and pulled it off his arm.

“Sirius, c’mon, you owe it to me,” Gideon begged like a child wanting candy.

“I don’t owe you shit, Gideon,” Sirius said, his voice was steady and assured. 

“After the shit you pulled with me, yeah you do,” Gideon raised his voice, causing everyone in the room to stop their conversation and stare at him.

“You’re fucking mental,” Sirius sneered.

“I’m mental? I’m a nice guy, I could give you everything you want, instead you’re in love with an arsehole who doesn’t care about your feelings,” Gideon ranted. Without Gideon saying a name, Remus knew he was talking about him, it wasn't hard to figure that out. It made him want to step in and tell him to fuck off, but he knew Sirius could handle it himself and if he couldn’t, he would give Remus a signal that he wanted help. 

“I told you from the start I have no interest in dating anyone,” Sirius stated. 

“By anyone you meant everyone who isn’t Remus,” Gideon said with venom.

“So what if that was what I meant? Either way you fall under the anyone category.” Sirius shrugged, still managing to come off as if he didn't care, but Remus knew him better than that. Because Sirius grew up in an abusive home, he had learned not to cry in front of the person who was hurting him, only letting it happen when he was in a safe place. Giving someone the satisfaction that they had hurt him was not something Sirius ever wanted to do. Now and then he couldn't help it, including when he had found out about Kingsley. 

“You never give me the time of day, I’ve been stuck in the friend zone since we met,” Gideon accused Sirius. 

“For good reason. I do not want to date you and I don’t want to sleep with you either,” Sirius justified. 

“I don’t know how many times you complained to me about Remus, he’s an arsehole who cheated on you and I’ve been nothing but nice.”

“This isn’t nice, this is being an arsehole.”

“All I did was want to give you a good time.”

“No, what you did is continuously text me, ask me for dick pics and when I didn’t give them to you, you would call me a slut and other things,” Sirius shared, his voice still as controlled as it was at the start. Now Remus really wanted to punch Gideon, but he knew not to do anything without getting Sirius’ permission otherwise his anger at Gideon would just redirect onto him. 

Gideon shrugged. “Some people are into degrading.”

“I’m not,” Sirius stated.

“Remus isn’t that great,” he retorted quickly.

Sirius took in a deep breath, a sign that he was trying to control his anger and hold back what he truly thought. Part of Remus wanted to see Sirius actually lose his shit at Gideon because when he wasn’t at the end of it, it was quite entertaining because there was no line that Sirius wouldn't cross. “Stop bringing him into this, this is about you and how you can’t accept rejection. I would rather go down on Mary than have anything to do with you,” Sirius scolded Gideon, still managing to keep his cool. 

“No, if he does the exact same thing to you, you’re perfectly fine with it, but when I do it, it’s creepy,” Gideon complained. “It’s because he's hot, isn’t it?”

“I don't have to explain shit to you, I don't need to tell you my reasoning behind it. The more you argue with me the more I know I made the right decision,” Sirius objected.

Everyone in the room was still watching the argument as if it was the latest episode of whatever reality series was popular. James looked angry, Lily was trying to look uninterested in what was happening, but failing miserably. Mary just looked downright uncomfortable. When Remus looked at James, their gazes caught and James’ face clearly communicated ‘what the fuck?’ Remus just shrugged in response, with no idea what to do. When Remus thought about it, he didn't even know why Fabian and Gideon were at the party, it wasn't as if they were in their friend group before that other dinner party a few weeks back unless James had been talking to them outside that. Fabian seemed like a decent guy, but after this Remus doubted that even he would be invited into their home again.

“That's because I’m right,” Gideon’s voice rose, clearly getting fed up with Sirius saying no.

Sirius stepped closer to Gideon, and even though the redhead was taller than Sirius, Sirius still managed to be far more intimidating. Gideon was arguing like a child while Sirius was being level headed with quiet confidence. There was something so chilling about the way Sirius handled himself, something that always managed to turn Remus on.

“No matter the way you justify this or harass me, I still don't want you. So get that through your fucking thick head,” Sirius scoffed.

“But Remus-” Gideon started to say before getting cut off by Sirius.

“Oh my fucking God, Remus has nolthing to do with the reasons I dont want to be your friend. I told you we’d be just friends from the start, and yet you kept making me feel shit for not reciprocating feelings. You made it out like I owed you a fuck, which I fucking don’t. I don’t want to be your friend because you’re a fucking cunt that cant take no as an answer,” Sirius snapped back, his calm façade showing only a few cracks. It gave Remus some pleasure that he actually annoyed Gideon that much, that his presence in Sirius’ life was such an inconvenience that Gideon couldn't keep his name out of his mouth.   
  


“Remus is a big reason you don't want to be with me,” Gideon went on to say.

“He is a reason, not _ the _ reason.”

“You’re ugly anyways.”

“Let me tell you something Gideon. You can call me all the names you want, but that won't fix the ugliness that is inside of you,” Sirius said before turning around and walking out of the house and into the backyard. Gideon went to follow Sirius, probably trying to continue the fight, but Remus got in his way.

“No,” Remus said, pointing his finger at Gideon. Gideon tried to grab his finger but Remus moved his hand out out the way quickly enough before punching him square in the face. Pain shot through his hand but he wasn't about to let onto it, he had never punched anyone in his life before that. He was always one who tried to talk it out, but it seemed that words were a waste on someone of Gideon’s calibre. Blood was trickling out of Gideon’s nose, alluding to that Remus actually did some damage. “If you even look at Sirius, there will be more than just a punch. I'm sure there are others here who could do a lot more damage than me.”

Taking Sirius’ wine in his uninjured hand, Remus followed Sirius’ footsteps outside. In the background he could hear Lily asking Gideon to leave, which made him smile to himself. 

“Fuck o…” Sirius said as he heard the backdoor open but stop mid-sentence when noticing it was Remus. “Oh, it’s you.”

“I hope that’s a good oh,” Remus said weakly sitting on the ledge of the patio next to Sirius.

“It’s just an oh.” Sirius sighed.

“I’ve got your wine.” Remus passed the plastic glass of wine to Sirius, who gladly took it.

Sirius took multiple gulps of wine before putting down the now empty glass next to him. There was a silence between them as Sirius slid closer to Remus and rested his head on his arm. “Remus.”

“Yeah?” Remus answered as he kissed the top of Sirius’ head.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said.

“For?” Remus questioned.

“Not telling you about Gideon,” Sirius’ voice broke. 

“It’s fine, baby,” Remus reassured Sirius, which caused Sirius to start tearing up. Remus wrapped the arm that Sirius was originally using to rest his head on around his shoulders, pulling him in closer so that the side of their legs were pressed together. “Hey, c’mere.”

“I feel so stupid,” Sirius laughed through his tears. He wasn’t bawling his eyes out, but he was sobbing. Remus did not regret punching Gideon in the face when he saw that his words had made Sirius upset enough to actually cry.

“Why?” 

“Am I over-dramatic?”

“Sometimes. But not all the time. It’s a matter of opinion, I think. Why do you ask?”

“Gideon.”

“If anything, Gideon was over-dramatic and a complete wanker,” Remus admitted. Gideon seemed like an overgrown child who couldn't handle not getting what he wanted.

“Do you think I’m a slut?” Sirius asked.

“Why does it matter if you are or not? It doesn’t determine your worth as a person,” Remus voiced.

“Do you?” Sirius questioned when Remus didn't give him a direct answer.

“No, I don’t,” Remus elaborated.

“I don’t get it. He calls me a slut because I don’t want to sleep with him.” Sirius shook his head dumbfounded about what had happened inside and it sounded like this had been going on for a while and today was just the climax of events.

“Look at me.” Remus lifted Sirius’ chin up with the fingers from his injured hand, looking at the back of it he figured there would be bruising on it tomorrow. He hoped it would be gone by the wedding, but if it came down to it he would get Marlene to cover it with make-up. “He used those words to hurt you and make you feel below him. You are not a bad person for not wanting to fuck him, Sirius. It isn’t up to him to decide who you are as a person or what you do.”

“I feel so stupid,” Sirius sniffled.

“You’re not stupid,” Remus comforted him. He didnt know how to tell Sirius that he wasn’t stupid for trusting people, but with years of verbal and emotional abuse from his parents, it wasn’t easy to just say some words and expect him to be all fine. “You’re many things, but stupid isn’t one of them.”

Behind them Remus could hear the door open and heels clicking against the patio, Mary stepped onto the grass before sitting down on the grass and crossing her legs. In her arms she had a box of tissues and a bag of frozen vegetables. “I have tissues and frozen peas.” she held out both objects.

“Thanks,” Remus said as he took the peas and Sirius took the tissues. 

“Why do you need peas?” Sirius asked as Remus put them on his hand which relieved some of the pain.

“I might have punched him… in the face,” Remus explained, he didn't know how Sirius would take it. Either he would get annoyed at Remus for getting involved or be glad that he did.

“Mr ‘I Hate Violence’ punched someone?” Sirius laughed. At least he didn't seem angry about it, which was good.

“He deserved it, I don't care,” Remus admitted out loud. “I mean, my hand does hurt so I do care about that, but I don't care about punching him.”

“I'm no doctor but I think you broke his nose.” Mary smiled, proud of what Remus did.

“Maybe that will teach him to not be a fucking cunt,” Remus said looking down at his red knuckles.

“You defended my honour, that’s cute,” Sirius kissed the knuckles.

“If Remus didn't punch him, I think James would've. I might've had a go as well,” Mary shared.

Sirius looked at Mary with uncertainty. “Why’re you being nice to me?”

“Because men are dicks.” Mary shrugged. “It’s always the ones that say they’re nice that are complete arseholes. Like, you’re the most amazing person in existence until they find out you don’t want to fuck.”

“Sounds like you’ve got some experience,” Sirius said, nursing Remus’ hand in his lap with the peas sitting on top of it.

“I think every woman has experienced it at least once, the entitlement some men have is fucking ridiculous. They think you’re only made for a shag and if you don’t give it to them you get called degrading things,” Mary elaborated, definitely speaking with experience. Remus wasn't aware of how often that people, mainly men, must act that way if every woman had gone through it. “Whore, slut, slag and those words were all made to degrade women, it’s their sole purpose… well, that turned into a rant.”

“It’s fine,” Sirius smiled. Not that Remus would mention it, but he was glad that Sirius and Mary had both moved on from whatever feelings they had previously for each other.

“I mean it’s sorta nice to know it happens to gay men as well, not just women.”

“We’re all in this together.”

“The worst thing is with me, it’s usually people i've met through work. So there would be guys I’ve met like once and would slide into my DMs and then as soon as they find out I don’t want to sleep or date them, they get all pissy.”

“So, like famous people?” Remus asked.

“No, usually their assistant or whatever,” Mary laughed, her laugh was loud and not very ladylike but it was nice. It was like she didnt care what people thought of it. “You guys are really the only famous people outside Ames that I actually talk to.”

“We’re not famous.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Your three million followers say differently,” she replied with a smirk on her lips.

“That’s hardly famous,” Remus defended himself. He didn't want to be famous, that meant less privacy and some sort of entitlement, he liked being somewhat unknown to the public.

“Face it, you are,” Mary retorted. “How often do you get recognised in public?”

“Or maybe people just stare because I’m tall because a lot of people comment on that,” Remus said, coming up with an answer off the top of his head, which actually did happen fairly often. People always asked if he played basketball which was stupid because he didnt have the body for it and basketball wasn’t exactly a popular sport. 

“You are pretty tall,” she said.

“I honestly haven’t noticed,” Sirius said looking across at Remus. “You know once upon a time I was taller than him.”

“The lies,” Remus rolled his eyes but smiled.

“You can ask anyone who went to school with us,” Sirius told Mary as he was proud of this achievement. Sirius was never that much taller than him, up until they were siteen Remus had been an inch shorter than Sirius at most. Sirius stopped growing around his sixteenth but Remus continued growing up until he was eighteen. “He was smaller than me up until we were like fifteen.”

“Really?” she questioned but sounded like she was believing Sirius.

Sirius pulled out his phone from his pocket, unlocked it and went into his photo gallery and started scrolling furiously. He pulled up a picture of him and Sirius in their weekend clothes, standing on the bank of the Black Lake. Sirius’ arm was hung over Remus’ shoulder. Looking at the photo, they actually looked like the same height. “Wait, here is a photo of us when we first started dating,” he passed the phone over to Mary.

“You were emo,” she smiled amused by the development.

“Shut up,” he snatched the phone back from her.

“How did you go from emo to that?” She asked. “What is up with the sleeves?”

“I didn’t like my arms,” Sirius stated, not going into any more details than that. Remus wasn't sure about how much Mary knew about Sirius’ past as Lily could have told her everything she knew, or maybe they didn't ever speak about him. It was hard to know, but Sirius had never really been forthcoming about what he had gone through. 

“Why?” She enquired.

“I have scars from numerous things, I eventually got them covered in tattoos, so it’s like a permanent sleeve,” Sirius explained looking at both of his arms. 

“Oh,” was all Mary said as she pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

“Not what you were expecting?” Sirius asked with a raised brow.

“I wasn’t expecting honesty,” she replied, taking a drag. “I can’t believe you were emo. Really, how did you go from that to this?”

“Growth.” Sirius smiled.

“Any reason why we’re congregating out here?” James asked, taking a seat on the grass next to Mary. Remus was so caught up with the conversation that he hadn't even heard the door open, which was saying something, he liked to think he had good hearing.

“Remus says he’s too famous to hang out with the losers inside,” Mary laughed.

“I did not,” Remus said, offended by the comment.

“You okay?” James asked Sirius. There was a sympathetic smile on his face, James was probably blaming himself for what happened. After all, he was most likely the one who invited him tonight.

Sirius gave a small smile back. “Yeah.”

“Can I?” James asked Mary, pointing to her cigarette.

“Go ahead.” She passed him the cigarette.

“Don’t tell Lily,” he said before taking a drag, his eyes fixed on the door as if Lily would jump out. Growing up, James smoked along with them and he did up until Lily became pregnant and convinced him to quit, or at least she thought he had quit, but he always managed to sneak drags here and there from other people when she wasn’t around.

“Tell her what?” Mary asked, taking the smoke back.

“Good,” James stated.

“Gotta love a marriage built on trust.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“It’s not like I’m snorting coke, yet she acts like it’s worse,” James whined. Before Remus knew what was happening, James had a knowing look in his eye and a smirk on his lips.“So, when did this happen?” 

“What?” Sirius frowned.

“Don’t play stupid, I see how close you two are,” James scoffed.

“He’s just being supportive,” Sirius defended his actions, as if he had been caught taking something he shouldn't have.

“I’m not here to crucify you, I just want to know,” James said unfazed. “You two are at least fucking.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Remus joined in.

“Sure you don’t,” James responded.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that Sirius was emo?” Mary asked James, changing the subject which Remus was extremely grateful about.

“He wasn’t really emo, he didn’t listen to emo music or have the hair, he just dressed in all black,” James shared.

“I just find it hilarious how he went from all black to pink trousers,” Mary laughed.

“It wasn’t as if I just started wearing pink trousers one day, I worked up to it,” Sirius explained looking down at his pink pants.

“Do you have rainbow trousers?” she asked.

“Mostly. I do own black, grey and white trousers, I just prefer to wear colour on the bottom,” Sirius shrugged.

“What are you wearing to the wedding?” she tilted her head.

Sirius smiled. “Something boring because I don't want to upstage the bride.”

After dinner, Fabian left, which Remus was extremely grateful for, but it was probably his own fault as he kept giving him glares. While he knew it was none of his business, he hoped that James would reconsider his friendship with Gideon and Fabian over this because it was clear that the first twin didn’t respect Sirius or his decisions at all. Even though Remus didn’t understand every decision Sirius made, he respected his right to make them and never tried to change his mind. 

Everyone was sitting around the dining table. Sirius had taken a seat on Remus’ lap which just made Benjy and James give each other a look. The look was definitely ‘they’re fucking’ or something like that, Remus wasnt sure what they were trying to say, but all he knew was that it was about him and Sirius. They always thought they were sly about the looks, but they never were. 

Remus was in his own world. He wasn't really paying attention to what everyone was talking about as Emmeline, who was sitting next to him, was talking to him about uni. When she wasn’t behind the bar, she was doing her masters degree in cardiovascular science. Nearly every time Emmeline talked about uni and what she was studying, Remus had to focus on every word that left her mouth, otherwise he had no idea what she was talking about. Though he wasn’t close with her, he always tried to include her as she was the only one in their immediate friend group that they hadn’t gone to school with. Not only was she a few years younger than them, but she went to a public school in Cornwell. 

From what he had read about her online was that all the fans, mainly the ones who liked Benjy the most, thought she was just some dumb blonde, when in reality she was anything but. If anything, Benjy was lucky to have someone who was far more intelligent than he was. 

Remus did find it funny how she was going into the medical field yet smoked far more than anyone he knew. Just from the conversations he had with her, she almost always had a cigarette with her. One time she mentioned that she went through a pack of 20 in two days. While Remus knew he smoked quite a lot, he had a limit of only five cigarettes a day so it wouldn’t get completely out of hand. Sirius, on the other hand, was just purely a social smoker.

With Lily, people either loved her or thought she was a beard for James as they thought that he was secretly in a relationship with Sirius. After the interview with Mary, it made him curious about what people actually thought about them. He fell down a rabbit hole and when he came across what was essentially porn between James and Sirius, he decided he had had enough of the internet and swore he was never going to give into his curiosity again. Some things were better to not know. 

Remus heard somebody call his name, and he was sucked out of his thoughts. 

“Top or bottom?” James asked for a second time with a smirk on his lips.

“I don’t have bunk beds,” Remus admitted, he didnt want to talk about his and Sirius’ sex life with everyone. Besides that, he wasn’t one or the other, while he preferred topping he didn’t mind bottoming at all.

“We’re talking about sex,” James said with a bored tone.

“Really? I hadn’t worked that out,” Remus retorted sarcastically.

“So, top or bottom?” James repeated.

“I’m never going to sleep with you, so I don’t see why it’s your business,” Remus said. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sirius biting down on his lip, likely trying not to say something inappropriate.

“It’s just a question,” James sighed.

“No, it’s not. You’re basically asking who is the girl and who is the guy in our relationship which is just bullshit,” Remus tried to explain. From Remus’ experience over the years, the question of ‘who is the woman in the relationship?’ had turned into ‘who is the bottom?’ As if bottoming somehow made someone less of a man. The whole point of a gay relationship was that they were both men.

“That’s not it,” James stated, not backing down from his stance. 

“Yes it is. Bottom is assumed to be feminine and top masculine. It has been that way since the Romans, the bottom is unman and the top is a man, even if they’re both men.” Remus broke down for James, trying to get him to understand where he was coming from. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Marlene, Mary and Dorcas all sitting at the end of the table, all obviously trying to not get involved. To Remus’ surprise, even Sirius wasn't trying to get involved. “It’s the only way you straight people can comprehend gay relationships, one has to be feminine and the other masculine. It doesn’t fit the roles of the relationships you know otherwise.”

“You’re reading into this too much.” James shook his head.

“How often do you get asked who is top and bottom when it comes to you and Lily?” Remus asked, trying a different approach.

James shifted awkwardly. “Never.”

“That’s because it is assumed that you are the top because you’re a man and Lily is the bottom because she is a woman,” Remus said. Normally Remus didnt try to discuss gay sex, rights or anything to do with gay people with James because he never understood it. If he ever did, usually he had a few drinks but tonight he was stone cold sober and that just made James more annoying. While he was accepting of it, he just had a general lack of awareness. “When you look at a gay couple, whether it be women or men, we automatically don’t fit the relationship roles that you’ve been taught since birth. You have to make sense of it somehow, so you assign the roles through sex.”

“This is ridiculous,” James said, and looked to Lily for help but she just shrugged. She looked at Sirius, probably trying to communicate something.

“Is it? Let’s be honest here, you already had your mind made up who is who before you asked, don’t pretend you didn’t,” Remus accused. From appearances everyone thought that Sirius was a bottom, probably because he had all pink outfits and was sometimes the stereotypical gay. Why did someone’s fashion sense dictate how they are in bed or what they prefer in bed, why would it even matter to James who does what?

“Moons…” Sirius whispered in Remus’ ear trying to get him to stop but Remus thought he was in far too deep to back out now.

“You don’t have to take this so personally,” James criticised.

“How isn’t it personal? You asked me about my sex life.” Remus frowned.

“It’s a harmless question,” James defended himself.

“I just explained to you how it isn’t harmless. I don't understand why it is important for you to know.”

“It isn't.”

“Then why ask?’

“I was curious.”

“Next time, don’t,” Remus ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to stick out in all different directions. “I dont know why you think it’s even appropriate to ask, it’s not like you ask Benjy about his sex life.”

“Gay people are like car crashes-”

“Don't even finish that sentence,” Remus cut James off. He knew where it was going, something to do with not being able to look away, and he definitely does not want to hear it. Oftentimes, not knowing was better than knowing.

“Since when are you so touchy on the subject of gay people? You guys just want to be offended by everything,” James complained. 

Remus didn't want to be offended by what James had said, but that cut deeper than he would've liked. “Have you ever thought about the history of LGBTQ people?”

“But it’s not like you personally face homophobia,” James said with his whole chest, which just pissed Remus off more. 

Remus never talked about his experience of being bisexual and coming to terms with it, not unlike the way James never talked about being Desi and the racism he faced. Nobody really wanted to be the person who was all, ‘it sucks being this’ and making everyone else miserable. If he did talk to someone about LGBTQ issues, it was usually someone who also identified as queer in some shape or form. 

Remus didn't even talk about Lyall and his beliefs. Coming out to his parents was much harder than his friends. When he eventually got the courage to do it, Lyall didn't take it well, he refused to acknowledge Remus in any way, and at night he could hear Lyall fighting with his mum about it. One night, roughly three weeks after he had come out and a week before school started up again, he heard his mum give his dad an ultimatum -- get over it or leave. The next morning it was like nothing had happened and after that they didn't talk about his sexuality again. 

That was one of the main reasons his parents didn't know about his relationship with Sirius. He didn't want to bring Sirius into another toxic environment after what had happened with Orion, but Remus also did not want to have to deal with the repercussions of lying about it for ten years and whatever that would mean for them as a couple when they did visit his parents. Sometimes he was extremely thankful he was out of Wales and living in London, even though London wasn’t perfect either. Basically everyone in his hometown was some sort of Catholic or a Christian denomination, even if they did not practice it. 

“I bet everyone here who is queer has experienced a hate crime, harassment, or discrimination because of it,” Remus said.

“I’m not going to bet on that,” James laughed awkwardly.

“Because you know I’m right.”

“No, I just don’t want to bet on it. Plus, Sirius for example...”

“What about him?”

“He’s never experienced anything like that.”

“Don’t speak for him, especially when you’re wrong.”

“I’m not wrong.”

“What do you call what his dad did to him?”

“That wasn’t because he was gay.”

“Actually, it happened after he found out that Remus and I were dating,” Sirius finally spoke up.

“I suggest you get off your high horse before it collapses from how big your ignorance is,” Remus said reaching over to the table and grabbing his cigarette tin that was sitting in front of him. He popped it open and put a rolled up cigarette into his mouth but didn't light it. 

“I’m ignorant?” James asked, offended by what Remus had said.

“James, you do not know more about gay people than actual gay people,” Remus lectured.

“This isn’t an argument you’re going to win,” Sirius told James.

James scoffed. “It’s not an argument, it’s a discussion.” 

“A rant,” Sirius corrected.

“Whatever it is, it’s over. I need a fag,” Remus announced.

Two hours later, Remus and Sirius found themselves walking into their flat. Sirius walked down the hall and into the bathroom as he had been complaining about needing to pee the entire drive home. In the meantime, Remus put the leftover quinoa salad into a container and the salad bowl and lasagne dish into the sink, figuring he would let his future self or Sirius deal with it. He took Snuffles downstairs so that he could go to the toilet since he was stuck inside all night. Most days, Sirius walked Snuffles in the morning and Remus walked him at night, but it was nearing midnight and Remus just wanted to crawl into bed. 

When he reached the upstairs, he saw light coming from Sirius’ bedroom and walked towards it. Sirius was lying on top of the covers in just his pink trousers scrolling on his phone. Snuffles curled up on his bed that sat in front of Sirius’ mirror. 

“Hey,” Remus called out from the door frame, his eyes taking in Sirius’ appearance. Shirtless with tattoo sleeves adorning both of his arms along with a few random tattoos on his chest and torso.

“Hi.” Sirius looked up from his phone and smiled.

“How drunk are you?” Remus asked. 

“Hm, a little, why?” Sirius questioned back.

Remus shrugged. There wasn't anything in particular that he wanted to talk about but he missed the days where they would stay up for hours talking about everything and nothing in particular. Music, literature, movies and tv shows were the usual topics but sometimes they would get off subject, but that never bothered Remus. He never understood how some guys talk about their partners, usually girlfriends... about how they are annoying or that they hated them. Remus completely adored Sirius, he loved how easy it was to be around him, he loved how he could talk freely, he loved that he could breath and fully be himself without masks and any judgement. “Just wanted to talk to you, that’s all.”

“You can always talk to me.” Sirius put his phone down.

“Do you need the vomit bucket?” Remus asked, he didn't want to get into bed and then have Sirius decide he actually did need it. 

“Maybe,” Sirius hummed.

“I’ll be back,” Remus told Sirius as he stood up straight and went to get the vomit bucket. When Remus came back into the bedroom he put the bucket on the floor next to Sirius then sat at foot next to him.

“Do you ever miss the old me?” Sirius asked.

“What? Emo Sirius?” Remus questioned with a laugh.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”

“No, not really,” Remus said. That was the truth, no matter how Sirius looked it didn't bother Remus at all because it wasn’t not like clothes showed who he truly was. Clothes didn’t reflect what his heart was like, they were just bits of material covering the body. As the legend George Michael said, ‘sometimes the clothes do not make the man’. Besides, regardless of what Sirius looked like physically back then, he wouldn't wish Sirius to go back to the mental place he was in at that time, struggling with his sexuality, abuse from his parents and how depressed he was. If Remus could, he would take all the pain that Sirius ever felt and give it to himself so that Sirius never had to go through it again, but that was physically impossible, so he always took care of him when he couldn't do it himself, no matter what terms they were on. Remus took Sirius’ hand in his and kissed the palm. “Whatever your phases are, you’re still you and that’s what matters to me. If you decided to shave all your hair off and wear dresses, you’re still you.”

“I wouldn’t shave my hair off,” Sirius dismissed.

“I know, just hypothetically. I would still feel the same about you no matter how you look,” Remus said kissing down Sirius’ ink covered wrist, making eye contact with him. Beneath the tattoos there were scars that Remus could feel against his lips that Sirius has been hiding for years. First under clothing and now something a lot more permanent. The kisses weren’t sexual, Remus was trying to convey how much he did love Sirius without words, he wanted Sirius to know that through all the pain he would always be there. 

“I need to feed Snuffles,” Sirius groaned, changing the subject.

“I fed him before we left, don’t worry about it.”

“Would you really marry me?” 

“God, you’re burning through subjects fast,” Remus laughed weakly. “Yeah, I would. But like I said, I don’t want to force you into anything or think that it’s something I absolutely need from you.”

Remus walked around to Sirius’ wardrobe and opened the door, before opening the chest of drawers that was inside and grabbing pyjama shorts. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Sirius said as Remus sat at the end of the bed between Sirius’ legs.

“So are you,” Remus leaned across Sirius’ body and kissed the back of his hand. There was a soft smile on Sirius’ lips and his eyes were soft and full of adoration. The way that Sirius looked at Remus made the butterflies in his stomach go crazy, making him feel like a teenager all over again. “Hips,” Remus said softly as he unbuttoned Sirius’ baby pink trousers.

Sirius obliged, raising his hips off the bed so Remus could take them off then he proceeded to throw them into the basket in the corner. When Remus bent down again to take Sirius’ pants off, Sirius leaned forward and cupped his cheeks. “Stop for a minute, just stay there,” Sirius said, taking in every feature of Remus’ face, his thumb tracing over his lips. “So pretty.”

“Ditto,” Remus replied. “Hips.” 

“If you wanted me naked, you should’ve just asked,” Sirius laughed lying on top of his duvet completely naked. He really was a sight to behold, the epitome of beauty if you asked Remus. After raising his hips, Remus pulled down his pants and threw them into the corner as well. “Can I sing you a song?”

“Right now?”

“Yes, right now.”

“Sure.”

“_I close my eyes and see you before me. Think I would die if you were to ignore me. A fool could see just how much I adore you. I'd get down on my knees, I'd do anything for you,_” Sirius sang the third verse to _ I Touch Myself _ by the Divinyls extremely off pitch. “_I don't want anybody else. When I think about you, I touch myself. Ooh, I don't want anybody else. Oh no, oh no, oh no._”

“Can I put your boxers on now?” Remus after Sirius finished the chorus. It was bad in a cute and endearing way, if Remus was being honest, but he didn’t want to encourage it since Sirius was a lot more drunk than he said he was. He didn’t want to give him the wrong idea because of the content of the song and the fact he was completely naked.

“I’m here serenading you naked and you want me to get dressed.” Sirius shook his head in disgust. “You don’t realise how lucky you are.”

“Thank you for the song, it was very lovely. Are you going to let me dress you or are you old enough to do it yourself?” 

“Fine.”

Remus grabbed the boxers that he had gotten out earlier. “Feet.”

“Boo.” Sirius pouted as he put his feet through the leg holes and Remus pulled them up his legs until the waistband reached his hips.

“Socks, yes or no?” Remus asked, looking across at the bedside table. 

“No.” Sirius shook his head as he scrambled under the bed covers. “You know I’m really not that drunk.”

Remus took his shirt off and unbuttoned his jeans. “You’re drunker than you think.”

“I promised you a blowjob,” Sirius sat up as Remus stepped out of them and threw them where Sirius’ clothing laid.

“Not while you’re drunk,” Remus said while getting into bed next to Sirius.

“Boring,” Sirius huffed, pushing the duvet off the bed and rolling onto his side. “Spoon me?”

Remus did what he was asked, slotting his body behind Sirius then wrapping his arm around his waist and resting his hand on his bare stomach. “How are you feeling?”

“Loved,” Sirius replied. Remus took that answer as it was despite the fact he meant in relation to if he was feeling sick, he would’ve mentioned it if he was. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing in particular.” 

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I just like talking to you.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Sirius said as he threaded his fingers through Remus’. His hand was smaller than Remus’ by a finger tip but Remus did think he had freakishly large hands. “Do you _ like _ like me Mr Lupin?”

“We’re dating,” Remus responded while shifting a little to make himself comfortable.

“But do you _ like _ like me?” Sirius asked.

“I _ like _ like you,” Remus said and shut his eyes. He wanted to at least get some sleep in case Sirius woke him up in the night needing to go to the toilet or vomit.

“That’s so cute, you have a crush on me,” Sirius moved closer to Remus, making his hair get into Remus’ mouth. Before they had gotten into bed, Remus should've braided Sirius’ hair, he should've known that Sirius would want to cuddle and that usually meant hair everywhere.

Remus managed to get his other arm free from underneath Sirius and remove the hair from his mouth. “You are much more drunk than you think you are.”

“Can I tell you a secret Mr Lupin?” Sirius enquired.

“Sure.”

“I _ like _ like you too.”

“That’s very reassuring.”

Sirius yawned. “I’m tired.”

“Goodnight baby.” Remus reached across and turned the lamp off surrounding them in darkness.

“Night,” Sirius mumbled, taking Remus’ hand in his and curling up to it. Even with a face full of hair, there wasn’t anywhere else Remus’ wanted to be.


	10. Blue Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ chapter's song: blue monday by new order]
> 
> and i still find it so hard  
to say what i need to say  
but i'm quite sure that you'll tell me  
just how i should feel today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major trigger warnings for:  
violence and hospitals  
so please be careful if those are triggers for you

Remus walked up the stairs to the flat, thinking about how the days at this place were now numbered since Sirius had found a home that he liked and had put in an offer which had been accepted. Finding a home was something that he put Sirius in charge of, Remus didn’t care where he lived and he trusted Sirius’ judgement. 

When he got to their floor, Sirius’ cousin Nymphadora was sitting on a suitcase by their door. Or at least Remus thought it looked like her, the girl’s hair was black and from a distance her face looked like how he thought she would look. When she heard footsteps, she looked up from her phone and smiled. Confirming it was indeed Sirius’ little cousin. Remus noticed she had the latest iPhone which made him roll his eyes, she was thirteen, what did she need with a phone that expensive? Rich kids. “Hi!”

“Hi?” Remus said, and it came out more as a question than a greeting. 

“You remember me right?” She asked. 

“Yeah, I just don’t understand why you’re here,” he responded truthfully. After the first time of babysitting her, Remus should’ve known that Sirius would neglect to tell him that she was coming over. 

“Mum and Dad are going to a wedding, Sirius said he’d babysit but he’s not here,” she said, putting her phone in the pocket of her shorts. 

“He’s out getting keys,” Remus vaguely explained as he got the keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door to the flat. “What happened to your hair?”

She smiled at him, her hand coming up to her hair. “Oh, I had to dye it black because school is starting soon.”

“That sucks,” Remus stepped into the flat, the sound of the door opening made Snuffles run out from the hall excited that he was home again. That’s one thing Remus loves about Snuffles, the fact he got so excited whenever Remus walked through the door. The fact that Snuffles got enthusiastic over everything didn’t even diminish it. Snuffles’ love for everything was so pure and warmed Remus’ heart. 

“It does,” Nymphadora shrugged. When she spotted Snuffles nuzzling against Remus’ leg she let out an excited squeal. She got down onto her knees, dropping her bag without care and went up to Snuffles with her hand held out. “Oh my god, a dog!”

“His name is Snuffles,” he said, stepping back from Snuffles and putting his keys and phone on the dining table. Snuffles carefully approached, sniffing her hand.

“Hi, Snuffles, who is a good boy? You are!” She said as she started patting him. “How old is he?”

“Two and a half, I believe,” he stated as he wasn't entirely sure how old Snuffles actually was. He did seem fully grown but still had the attitude of a puppy. 

“I love him,” she decided as Snuffles looked at her lovingly as if he had known her for years. 

“He has that effect on people, they see his face and they’re in love.”

“Mum won’t let me get a dog, she says they’re too much maintenance.”

“I personally didn’t want a dog but Sirius went out and impulsively bought him, so now we’re moving into a place with somewhere he can run around.”

“Where are you moving to?”

“St John’s Wood area.”

“Your mother is an heiress, owns a block in St John’s Wood,” Nymphadora quoted the lyrics from Play With Fire by the Rolling Stones. 

Remus was stunned by her knowing them, he didn't expect her to be into classic rock. He thought people her age liked K-pop and Shawn Mendes. “You know the Rolling Stones?”

“My mum likes them,” she shrugged.

“Do you like them?” he asked, trying to keep the conversation going. When it came to kids he never knew what to talk about, they were like aliens.

“Yeah, not my favourite band though.” 

“Do you like music?”

“Yeah, love it. I don’t get people who say they don’t like music.”

“Now that I think of it, I don’t think my father has shown any interest in music.”

“He’s a psychopath.”

“He probably is.”

“Who is your favourite singer or band?” Nymphadora asked, standing up and moving her bag to under the dining table.

“Phil Collins,” he confessed, she probably didn't know who he was and if she did, she probably didn't know about the unjustified hatred towards him.

“Is he Lily Collins’ dad?” she asked.

“That’s the one.” he smiled. He had watched  _ Love, Rosie _ and  _ Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile,  _ and Lily seemed talented enough to somehow not be trapped in her father’s shadow. Though he watched the first one because he fancied Sam Claflin. “What about you?”

“This band called Drowners,” she said looking at him curiously. “The lead singer sort of looks like you.”

“Do you have a picture?” he asked her. She pulled out her phone and a moment later she had searched the lead singer. On the first impression, he thought he looked nothing alike, and the guys’ face wasn’t symmetrical. “I look nothing like him.”

“You look exactly like him,” she rolled her eyes, yet Remus couldn't see it at all. Unless he had a wildly asymmetrical face and hadn't noticed it, but he liked to think he would've. 

“You know who I’ve been told I look like?” he asked.

“Who?” she raised her eyebrows.

“Andrew Garfield, the guy who played Spider-Man,” he said.

Nymphadora burst out laughing, like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. It couldn't have been that funny though. “I know who he is, he dated Emma Stone and you don’t look like him.”

“That’s rude.” he folded his arms.

“How is it rude when it’s the truth?” she questioned.

“Fine, tell me about this guy that I look like but actually don’t,” Remus asked, walking into the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water.

“His name is Matthew Hitt,” she said sitting on one of the stools on the other side of the kitchen bench.

“Huh…” he said, he recognised the name but didn't know why. It wasn't important though.

“What?” she bent forward and rested her chin in her hand, her eyes were narrow as if Remus was going to say that he looked nothing like him again. 

“Just the name is familiar,” he shrugged.

“He dated Dakota Johnson and is like best friends with Alexa Chung,” she shared.

Nymphadora seemed to be full of surprises, Alexa Chung was a host of a tv show when he was a similar age to what Nymphadora was, she seemed like an odd person for her to know. “How do you know who Alexa Chung is? Isn’t she a bit before your time?”

“She dated Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys, they're a-” she started saying.

“I know who Alex Turner is,” Remus cut her off. They were like the it couple of British indie scene in the mid to late 00s, everyone seemed to love them together and were incredibly sad when they broke up. Also, that letter that Alex had written to her was seen as the most romantic thing ever. 

“So, Matt dated Dakota Johnson for like two years back when Fifty Shades was  _ the _ thing or whatever,” Nymphadora added.

He raised an eyebrow at her, Fifty Shades wasn't exactly appropriate for someone her age to watch, read or even know about. One time he and Sirius had decided to watch the first one but never got through the entire thing because of how bad it was. After watching Dakota and Jamie in different things he became aware that they were both decent actors, it was just that Fifty Shades was awful and not even their talent could save it. “And you know what Fifty Shades is because?”

“I don’t live under a rock,” she sassed back.

“It’s not exactly for your age group,” he said.

“I haven’t watched it, and even if I had, I hardly see how it’s your business.”

“I stand corrected.”

“Good.”

“Do you know where he is from? Matt that is.”

“He’s Welsh, wait aren’t you Welsh?” she scrolled through her phone before looking up at him when she asked him the question. 

“Yeah,” he confirmed.

“That’s a bit creepy,” she wiggled her eyebrows in a way that didn’t seem natural at all.

“Where in Wales is he from?” he asked.

“Rhondda, Tonypandy,” she said but pronounced the names as if they were English and not Welsh, which annoyed Remus more than he liked. Wales had their own alphabet and language before the English came and took over the place. Now not many spoke the language fluently and many were unaware of the history of the country. It made sense that some people were Welsh nationalists and were for independence. “Where are you from?”

“A few towns over,” he said. It did seem odd that this man who he ‘looked like’ grew up a few minutes away. Even if they didn’t look alike, it was crazy that a guy from his home town dated Dakota Johnson of all people. How did a Hollywood movie star meet some guy from the Valleys? 

“Holy shit, are you two like related or something?” she asked.

“I still stand by the fact I don’t look like him,” Remus pointed his finger at her. “Also your pronunciation is wrong.”

“Well, I don’t speak Welsh do I?” she retorted. “You guys don’t know how to use vowels.”

“It’s Rhondda and Tonypandy,” he corrected with the right pronunciation. In Welsh, the letter Dd made a th sound and a Y that wasn’t the last syllable made an A sound, otherwise, it was pronounced the same as a U, which in turn was pronounced the same as the English I. He couldn’t be bothered to go into specifics with her as it seemed like she didn’t care about it. “We also have more vowels than you.”

“What town are you from?” she asked.

“Treorchy, it’s further up the valley,” he explained, it wasn’t that far up the valley and still in the same vicinity.

“Did you go to school with him?” she asked. If they had gone to school together, which he highly doubted, and if they actually did look alike, people would’ve mistaken him for Matt. Since that had never happened, he obviously looked different enough for them to not be twins. 

“Not that I remember. I only went to school in Wales until I was eleven, then I went to the same school as Sirius,” he shared. 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked, changing the subject away from his apparent doppelgänger. He wasn’t sure if he was thankful for the subject change when this seemed just as weird. 

“No offence but you’re too young for me,” he told her.

“I wasn’t asking to be your girlfriend, I doubt anyone would,” she narrowed her eyes and poked her tongue out. He couldn't exactly argue with her, it wasn’t as if he would date himself or someone like him. 

“Charming,” he rolled his eyes.

“So do you?” she asked.

“No I don’t have a girlfriend, do you have a girlfriend?” he questioned her back.

“No,” she shook her head, her expression was contemplative. “Can I confess something?”

“Depends on what it is,” he said. If she was going to confess something wildly inappropriate he didn't want to hear it. After the rollercoaster that had been their conversation thus far, it really could go any way.

“I don’t like boys,” she whispered.

“I don’t blame you, they're annoying and smelly,” he justified as if he wasn't attracted to them at all.

“Do you like boys?” she asked. Remus hadn't been expecting that question but he applauded her bravery to ask it. 

“Yes, sadly we all have flaws,” he sighed looking down at her.

There was a knock on the door, he was half expecting it to be Sirius but when he looked through the peephole Fenrir stood on the other side. It wasn’t who he was expecting to see and he had no idea what to do. For some reason, he figured that Fenrir couldn’t get shooed away. 

He went up to Nymphadora and asked, “Do you trust me?”

“Uh, sort of?” she frowned. Remus didn’t have time for sort of, so he was going to take it as a yes.

“Okay, take this, my phone and Snuffles. My passcode is 90210, like the tv show. Go to the bathroom at the end of the hallway and quietly call Moody and tell him that Fenrir is here and he’s after the box. If he doesn’t pick up, call the police, don’t worry about telling them about the box but do mention his name. Do you know our address?” he passed her the biggest knife from the kitchen and his phone, she reluctantly took it. Remus found himself okay with the idea of him getting hurt, but the idea of someone else -- someone who shouldn't have known about this mess in the first place -- getting hurt was where he drew the line. After all, she seemed exactly his type.

“Yes,” she nodded as Remus attached a lead to Snuffles’ collar and passed her the end.

“Call them and tell them the same, Fenrir Greyback is here. He is possibly armed. Lock the door behind you, do not open it until I say you can. If a man with a beard opens the door, you’re going to have to use that knife, okay?” he directed her, he hoped that he had done enough for at least some police officer to come and help.

“Okay,” she nodded and started to walk towards the hall, with her hand around the lead that Remus had attached to Snuffles’ collar. The expression on her face showed that she was absolutely terrified. Remus felt the exact same way but knew he needed to be calm otherwise it would cause more damage.

“Go, quickly,” Remus ushered her down the hall, just before she turned the corner she looked at him for reassurance. He didn’t know what he could do to ease her mind, it wasn’t exactly like his mind was at ease. “Sorry, I was on the toilet,” Remus lied with more ease than he expected as he opened the front door. He didn’t know why he didn’t pretend that he wasn’t at home, probably because Fenrir didn’t care about breaking in, he’d certainly done it before.

“Hi,” Fenrir said, stepping into the flat. Despite seeing him on the news all the time, Remus couldn't put it into words what it was like to be faced with him after all these years. “You've got a nice place.”

“What are you doing here?” Remus asked, not wanting Fenrir to stay longer than even a minute.

“No hello or how are you? I would ask if your mum taught you any manners but I know she didn’t.” Fenrir picked up a letter that was on the dining table, looking at it curiously before throwing it back on the table. 

“You seem to have forgotten everything your mother taught you as well,” Remus retorted, he didn’t care about Fenrir’s opinion about him or at least he tried not to and this was just a front. 

“Cheeky.” Fenrir smiled, his teeth looked to be rotting. “I don’t know if I like you having a backbone.”

“I honestly don’t give a shit about what you think of me,” Remus retorted as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

Fenrir walked around the room, before taking a seat on the armrest of the couch. “And to think once upon a time you loved me.”

“I did but that doesn’t mean I like you or give a shit about your opinions,” Remus admitted, it was more honesty than he liked, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. 

That caught his attention, Fenrir‘s eyes met Remus’. For unknown reasons, Remus knew that he would have to hold his gaze for as long as he could to get the point across that he wasn’t scared of him. “You used to be so nice, what happened?”

“I don’t know, I’m sure you can come up with a reason,” Remus bit back. “How did you find out where I lived?”

“Dot told me… Well, she didn’t tell me, stupid woman keeps the envelopes from her cards, you wrote a return address on one,” Fenrir explained. 

That sent a shiver up his spine. Remus silently prayed that Dot wasn’t hurt. “She’s safe, right?”

“What, you think I’d kill my own mother?” Fenrir asked with disgust in his voice, as if Remus had deeply offended him. For only a split second, Fenrir looked away and broke eye contact.

“I don’t think you would kill her, seriously harm is another thing,” Remus found himself clarifying. 

“She is fine, I just went in and took what I needed then left,” Fenrir said. 

“Didn’t want to catch up and have some tea?” Remus questioned.

“No, I had more important business,” Fenrir stood up and walked around to the other side of the couch so it was between them.

Remus let out a breathy laugh. “Me?” 

“You always did beg for my full attention, well now you’ve got it,” Fenrir said smugly.

“You’re about fifteen years too late.” Remus looked down at his wrist as if he was wearing a watch. 

“It’s not my fault,” Fenrir sounded offended again. 

“I didn’t realise going to jail wasn’t your fault,” Remus deadpanned. Over the years, Remus found himself caring less and less about stupid excuses, like ‘it wasn’t my fault’ when it clearly was. He wouldn’t have the patience for a kid, not that he wanted to have one regardless.

“When I got out, I tried to find you. I didn’t just leave you,” Fenrir explained but Remus didn’t care.

“But you did, the moment you decided to break in and steal those passports.”

“I did it for you.”

“You didn’t, you just use me as an excuse.”

“I was going to sell them and then get you out of Wales.”

“Like Mum would’ve let that happen.”

“Your Mum is a bitch.”

“She was your friend once.”

“Then she took you away from me.”

“She was protecting me.”

“From me? When have I ever hurt you?”

“She was scared.”

“I was protecting you, Hope was just being a bitch.”

“Protecting me from what?”

“Everyone, they didn’t deserve you.”

“And you did?”

“You were my responsibility, I was going to take care of you as I should’ve.”

“Sounds like all the other false promises you gave me,” Remus replied. As a kid, Fenrir filled Remus up with false promises and lies. Everything always sounded so good, too good but there was always hope that it would turn out to be true. Then there was always a let down when the truth came to light or the promise never happened. 

“They weren’t false promises,” Fenrir said with conviction as he walked back around the couch, stopping a couple of metres away from the door, with his back to it. 

“You promised me you would come back the next week, knowing that you wouldn’t,” Remus walked forward. They were physically closer than they had been in fifteen years yet still far enough that if Fenrir was to reach out he was more than an arms-length away. “You know what you are? The personification of disappointment.”

“Is this really how you want to do this? You arguing with me? How about you just give me what I want?” Fenrir suggested, stepping closer to Remus. 

“You’re not getting the box,” Remus moved his hands out of his pockets to fold his arms.

A smirk formed on Fenrir’s lips. “So you know what I’m talking about?” 

“It was only a matter of time before you came looking for it, with you being wanted and all that. It makes sense,” Remus shrugged, trying to act like he didn’t care.

“You give it to me, I promise I’ll leave you alone. Isn’t that what you want,  _ Lupin _ ?” Fenrir questioned, the name Lupin sounded like venom on his tongue. There was also complete and utter disgust in his tone, Remus knew it was because of his less than kind feelings towards Lyall. 

“And if I don’t?” Remus questioned, stepping closer to him.

“It’ll become rather messy,” Fenrir threatened.

Remus wanted to believe that Fenrir couldn’t hurt him, at least not to the extent that he did to everyone else but with him in the room, he was doubting himself. “Could you really do that to me?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t think you’ll want to find out.” Fenrir smiled cruelly.

“I’m not a nine-year-old, it’ll take more than a punch to knock me out,” Remus commented. In all honesty, Remus didn’t think he could take Fenrir in a fight as Fenrir had much more experience. But it looked like he hadn’t been eating and was quite thin, thinner than Remus. In the height department, Fenrir was only a few inches shorter than him, as he came up to his eyebrows. He really didn’t want this to end in a physical fight. Other than the punch to Gideon, Remus had never been in an actual fight.

“I’ve come prepared,” Fenrir pulled out a pocket knife from his pants. It looked small but quite sharp. Remus was now really starting to doubt whether Fenrir wouldn’t hurt him, but he knew that no matter what happened, the box would not end up in his hands.

“I’m sorry but you're not getting that box,” Remus said backing up against the couch as Fenrir walked towards him.

“Wrong answer. I was always very lenient when it came to punishment, but I’m going to make up for it,” Fenrir grabbed Remus’ face with his hand and brought the knife up to it. Pressing the flat side against his cheek, “For every minute you don’t tell me where the black box is, I will cut you. Say yes if you understand.”

“Yes, but not getting that box,” Remus said.

“Wrong answer,” Fenrir flipped the blade around so the sharp bit was pressing into his cheek. He could feel it slowly cutting into him. This was Fenrir’s plan, basically torture him until he gives in. “Change your mind?”

“No,” Remus replied.

Fenrir brought the knife off the skin before bringing it forward with such speed that slashed across his face from his cheekbone, across his mouth and down to his chin on the opposite side of his face. “That’s a shame.”

“Maybe for you, but not for me,” Remus let out. Even if he could give him the box, Remus knew he wouldn’t back down. There was all that evidence inside of it, if it got back into his hands it would most likely be destroyed.

“Your mother always made me out to be the bad guy, she fed you poison about me,” Fenrir accused Hope.

Remus laughed, he could feel the blood trickling down his face but didn’t move. “She didn't talk shit about you, she straight up refuses to talk about you altogether. Like you never existed at all.”

“You’re so hostile and what for? I never hurt you,” Fenrir said as if he hadn't just cut him.

“I found out who you were.”

“And who is that, Remus?”

“Just a more fucked up version of your father,” Remus smirked, bringing up his hand to his face and wiping the blood from his mouth.

“I never fucking hurt you, I never laid a hand on you,” Fenrir’s grip on Remus’ face tightened before brought the knife back up to his face. Unlike the first time, he pressed the blade up against his forehead into his skin and dragged it diagonally across his face. This time it was much deeper and hurt a lot more, it went from the corner of his forehead, across his eyebrow, the bridge of his nose and stopped at the corner of his mouth. Yet Remus knew if he tried to physically resist him, he would probably end up getting stabbed.

“What do you think you’re doing now?” Remus spat blood in Fenrir’s face.

“This is teaching you a lesson, seems like you never got taught how to shut up,” he said, pushing the knife into Remus’ mouth. 

“Let me tell you something. I don’t care what you do to me because you’re not getting that box,” Remus said around the blade. He wasn’t sure what Fenrir was going to do next but he had a feeling he would end up with some sort of Chelsea Smile. 

“You’ve got a death wish.” Fenrir shook his head.

“So be it, the box isn’t here so you’re not getting it,” Remus replied.

“Where is it?” Fenrir asked, slowly pushing against the corner of his mouth.

“Somewhere that isn’t here,” Remus said, he could feel the blade slowly cutting through the skin.

“Where?” Fenrir asked again.

“Try the fucking Met,” Remus confessed.

“What?” Fenrir questioned as if he didn’t understand what Remus had just said. The knife moved from the corner of his mouth down to his abdomen, Fenrir pressing the tip of the knife against his stomach next to his belly button without it piercing the skin.

“The Met Police,” Remus clarified.

Fenrir looked at him flabbergasted at what had just happened. “What the fuck did you do?” 

“I did the right thing.” Remus swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Wrong answer,” Fenrir said, pushing the knife into Remus’ stomach. It happened so fast, but at the same time excruciatingly slow. There Fenrir was, someone that Remus once trusted with his entire life, doing something that he never thought that would happen. He knew he should've seen it coming, the signs were all there but Remus stupidly had held onto the small pieces of hope that this would be all over without anything majorly bad happening. Learning the hard way was something he had become accustomed to growing up with Fenrir, yet this just shattered the rest of the illusion of who Fenrir was. 

“Dad,” Remus whimpered, looking him straight in the eye as his father pulled out the knife, Remus looked down at his stomach which was bleeding through the fabric of his shirt. Fenrir looked at Remus with shock as if he didn’t quite understand what happened and dropped the knife. Sirius, who Remus hadn’t even noticed come in, grabbed both of Fenrir’s hands and pinned them behind his back and tied them together with something. On Sirius’ way over to Remus, he kicked the knife away so Fenrir couldn’t get it. 

“Oh my fucking god, Remus.” Sirius rushed over to Remus and helped him down onto the floor when he noticed the blood on the knife and him clutching at his stomach.

“Sirius,” Remus let out a breath. It was like a massive weight was lifted off his shoulders but didn’t know which one. Not that it was important that very second, he could put more thought into later, after all, he would have to spend some days in hospital and that would leave him many hours to think.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, his hands automatically coming to the stab wound and applying pressure. Remus wasn't even sure if Sirius knew what he was doing but at least he wasn't alone anymore and had him by his side. 

“What the fuck do you think?” Remus snapped back, taking his anger out on Sirius. He knew he shouldn't but he was in extreme amounts of pain, not only from the stab wound but because of everything else that had taken place. Fenrir had tried to kill him, after promising him that he would never hurt him. It seems that Fenrir never did anything half-arsed, which was a curse this time around.

“Hey, stay with me,” Sirius lightly slapped Remus’ face, trying to keep his eyes open and alert. 

“Nymphadora is here,” Remus told Sirius, before going on to explain, “she’s in the last bathroom, I told her to call the police and not to answer the door unless it was me. I gave her a knife and Snuffles.” 

“I’m not leaving you,” Sirius said as if even the suggestion of getting Nymphadora was the stupidest thing in the world. 

“I’ll be fine,” Remus badly reassured Sirius.

“You were stabbed,” Sirius hissed back. It wasn't like Remus was unaware of that fact, after all, he was there when it happened.

“This might be stupid but can you hold my hand?” Remus asked, not wanting to feel alone. Sirius took one of his hands from the wound and held his hand.

“What happened?” Nymphadora asked. Remus hadn't even realised she had left the bathroom, he was silently angry that she ignored what he had told her what to do. Him bleeding out on the floor wasn’t something that a kid should see.

“I told you to stay in the bathroom,” Remus scolded as he tried to move so he could see her, but Sirius pushed him down with one hand.

Sirius groaned when Remus shifted beneath him. “Remus, stay still, you’re bleeding. I already don’t know what I’m doing but it’s not helping with you moving.”

“I know first aid,” Nymphadora announced. 

“What?” Sirius questioned.

“I’m only one badge short of getting all the first aid badges at Girl Guides, I know what to do,” she stated, that was something Remus hadn't been expecting for her to say but was very glad that she did. In his mind, Girl Guides was all about learning how to sew and volunteering but he was very glad he was wrong if she actually knew what she was doing. As much as he loved and trusted Sirius, he didn't know what he was doing.

“Really?” Sirius asked. 

“Do you have a first aid kit?” She asked, her voice strangely calm and level. If Remus had walked in on someone bleeding the way he knew he was, there would be no way he could stay level headed. Not that Remus would ever want to put that to the test. Remus could see Fenrir slumped up against a kitchen cupboard, and he hadn’t talked since it had happened and was staring at his feet, almost like he had given up. Sirius’ hand guided Remus’ head up so that he was looking at him instead. “Don’t look at him, look at me.”

The pain was unlike anything Remus had ever felt, he just wanted it to stop but it wasn't that easy. Thoughts of dying clouded his mind. What if he never saw his parents again? What if he died and his dad thought he hated him? What would happen to all his belongings? He didn’t have a will and his family wasn’t aware of his relationship with Sirius. Would Sirius even be allowed to have anything of his? He hoped his parents would let Sirius take some things, like his basses and records. 

Everything seemed to calm down, he could feel his heart begin to slow down and his eyelids get heavy like curtains. Not unlike this own curtain call that was soon approaching. Despite not wanting to die, he could think of worse ways to go, at least Sirius was with him holding his hand. He didn't want Sirius to miss him too much. Maybe at the start, he could be sad for a while but eventually move on and find someone else. All he ever wanted was Sirius to be happy. The realisation that this could very well be the last time he ever saw Sirius again broke his heart in a way that he wasn't quite prepared for, part of him wanted to start crying but he couldn't find the energy.

“It’s under the first bathroom sink,” Sirius said, his hands still pressing onto the wound. In the background, he could hear footsteps get faint. 

Remus forced his eyes open, he looked at Sirius who had blood up to his forearms. Yet was incredibly focused on keeping the pressure on the wound which Remus appreciated a lot. “Sirius, I need you to promise me something.”

“What is it?” Sirius asked, his voice soft like butter that had been left out on a warm sunny day.

“Don't spend all your time missing me. Find someone,” Remus managed to get out, before choking on a sob.

“You’re saying that like you're going to die, you're not. You're not going to die,” Sirius said. Even though the angle he was looking at Sirius with, he could see that he was crying.

“Padfoot, please,” Remus tried to get Sirius to promise him, but he refused to look at him in the eye.

“Move out of the way,” Nymphadora was talking but her voice started to sound faint. He felt Sirius’ hand move from his stomach and was replaced with two smaller ones. “Do you have any alcohol, because you should…”

_ The common room was loud, someone was watching a 24-hour news channel while someone else was listening to The Fear by Lily Allen on repeat. It had been on repeat before Remus decided to study which had been over an hour ago, like Lily he was starting to not know what was real anymore. _

_ Remus looked down at his workbook, he had no idea how to write an essay on the UK’s evolving human landscape whatever that meant. When would this information ever become useful?  _

_ The more he looked at his essay, he wished that he had gone along to Sirius, James and Benjy’s football practice. At least then there was a chance of enjoyment, even though he cared less about the sport. The possibility of Sirius taking his shirt off, not that he would admit that he enjoyed that sort of thing out loud. It would not only ruin their friendship but possibly friendships with the other boys. After all, who would want to be roommates with a shirt lifter? _

_ He looked over at Peter who was sitting next to him playing some game on his DS instead of doing the essay. Secretly, Remus wished he cared less about essays and didn’t feel stressed out when he avoided doing homework or assignments.  _

_ After three more minutes of looking at the essay, Remus gave up and decided to talk to Peter. “What are you playing?” _

_ “Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games,” Peter groaned as he threw the stylus on the table, losing whatever game he had been playing. _

_ “Sounds fun.”  _

_ “Oh yeah, it’s the height of entertainment.” _

_ “Why are you here instead of football practice?” _

_ “I don’t want to spend two hours watching Sirius act like an idiot.”  _

_ “Touché,” Remus said before going back to his essay since it was clear Peter didn’t want to converse and left him to play his DS. The essay hadn’t written itself since the last time he looked at it much to Remus’ dislike. After another minute of looking at the page, he gave up and started to clean up his things. _

_ “Fenrir Greyback has been arrested in suspicion of the murder of Imogen Hawkins,” a news reporter said on the TV. The name brought all his attention to it. Fenrir Greyback and suspicion of murder was not something he had been prepared to hear, not just today but ever. Yet in the back of his head, it made sense why his parents always tried to keep him away from the man. _

_ “Can you turn that up?” Remus asked to no one in particular, whoever was listening to the Lily Allen song turned that up instead of the news. “Not the song, the news.” _

_ “On the 13th of March 2008, seven-year-old Imogen Hawkins went missing from her front yard in Kerne Bridge, Herefordshire. She was beaten, raped and decapitated. Five days later, parts of her body were found in the River Rye,” the woman on the tv said, standing on the edge of a riverbank. That made him feel sick, the thought of Fenrir doing that was so far off of what he thought him to be. But to be arrested for something, they would have to have some pretty damning evidence of it. The news cut to footage of Fenrir walking into the police station handcuffed. He looked older than what Remus thought he would, for someone who was only in his mid-thirties, he looked more like fifty. What Remus knew Fenrir to look like, clean-shaven and normal looking was replaced with a man who had a beard, looked like he hadn't showered in months and was animalistic. “Over a year later, at five am this morning, Fenrir Greyback was arrested for suspicion of murder and the rape of Imogen.” _

_ “Fenrir Greyback has a long criminal history, his most recent charge being burglary of a home in 2003 after stealing passports, he got sentenced three-years but was out after only sixteen months on good behaviour,” the news reporter explained. Everything started to make sense, why he left and why Remus hadn’t seen him since. “Over ten years, he has been arrested in connection to five other murders of children under thirteen but has never been convicted.” _

_ “I have to go,” Remus told Peter as he haphazardly grabbed all his belongings and shoved them into his bag. _

_ “Are you okay?” Peter looked up from his DS with surprise. _

_ “I’m fine, just don’t let anyone into the dorm,” he said before running to the dorm. He threw his bag onto the floor by his bed and got out his phone. He decided to try with the landline before his mum’s mobile, if no one picked up then he would try his dad’s. As each ring happened, the closer he felt to being sick. _

_ “Hi, Cariad. Is everything okay?” Hope’s voice rang through the phone. She sounded tired, he had probably woken her up from sleeping but he didn’t care. Remus never called home, if he needed to talk to his parents he would text them first, but he wanted to hear this. It was harder to lie while talking to someone than over text. _

_ “Why has Fenrir been arrested?” Remus asked, not bothering to answer her question. If he were to, the answer would be no.  _

_ “He isn’t perfect, far from it, he has made bad decisions,” she explained as if he got a speeding ticket and had not just been arrested for murder. _

_ Remus took a deep breath, trying not to sound annoyed or angry which he was. All the lies his parents, his mum, in particular, had been telling him for years. Every omission of the truth. It all played on his mind. “He was arrested for murder and rape.”  _

_ “Very bad decisions,” she corrected as if it was the most normal thing to say, it was far from normal and he couldn’t understand why she was being so calm about it. _

_ “The news said he has been arrested in connection to other murders as well,” he added, he could hear his mum breathing and hesitating. “Tell me he didn’t do it.” _

_ “If the police arrested him… Cariad, I’m sorry,” she sighed. _

_ “You’re not surprised, so you knew and didn’t tell me?” he questioned. More hesitation. _

_ “It’s a complicated situation,” she finally said after a minute of silence. _

_ “Is it actually or are you just making it more complicated than it needs to be?” he raised his voice. _

_ “I get that you’re upset but there is no need to take it out on me,” she said sounding defeated. _

_ “You have been lying to me for my entire life it seems,” he retorted. After finding out over the news that Fenrir wasn’t the person he thought he was, he felt justified being angry, annoyed and betrayed. Even though Fenrir had done the crimes which made Remus feel incredibly sick, he was angrier at his mum for lying about it all. _

_ “I’m not having this conversation with you over the phone. Hate me all you want but I was protecting you,” she scolded. “I have to go, I have a shift. I love you, Remus, regardless of how you feel about me,” she said before the line went dead.  _

_ Remus was shocked that his mum actually hung up on him, he doubted that she had a shift as she sounded like she had just woken up. After taking a deep breath, he crawled onto his bed and shut the curtains. He wanted to be left alone with his thoughts and unbothered by people, his friends in particular. _

_ The day that his parents found out that he had been meeting Fenrir after school, his mum was furious. At the time he couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to see him, he didn’t understand until a couple of minutes ago. He had always thought that something had happened between them and they had a falling out over something, he knew that they hated each other but until now he couldn't figure out why. It made sense why his mum hated Fenrir, but he couldn't work out why he hated her back. Growing up there had always been comments surrounding Fenrir, a lot of things he did not understand, but now he knew exactly what they meant and wondered why it took him so long to realise it. _

_ None of it doesn't really mattered anymore, it wasn't like Remus was ever going to see him again. Remus didn't want to see Fenrir again, he didn't want to be associated with him or even have a single thought about him. He would move on and forget his existence. That's what he should've done from the beginning. Instead of getting annoyed at his parents for never talking to him about Fenrir, he should have taken their advice and pretended he didn't know him. That’s what he would do from here on out. _

_ An hour and a half later, there was a knock on the door and Peter stuck his head in. “Remus, there is a message for you to see Minnie.” _

_ Remus got off his bed and made his way to her office, he had some idea what to expect. One of his parents must’ve informed her of what happened. It wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to having but he knew he couldn't prolong it. No one could escape McGonagall. He knocked on the door and then opened it. “I was told you wanted to see me.” _

_ “Yes, come in,” Professor McGonagall said looking up from her on her desk, her hand motioning towards the seat in front of her desk. “So, I had a very informative call with Lyall about your family situation. They have decided during this time that they are going to take you home for a while. We’ll still be in contact and I’ll send you the work every day and you’ll do it.” _

_ “Wait, what? I don’t want to go home,” Remus said. Home was the last place he wanted to be, he didn’t want to have to face his parents every day knowing that they had lied to him over and over. _

_ “As you’re not an adult, you don’t really have much say in it, I’m sorry,” she explained. _

_ “How will you know I’m doing the work?” he asked. _

_ “I will call you every Monday to see how your morale is and you will send your work back to me so I can pass it on to your teacher. I’ll also be talking to your parents throughout,” she shared. It seemed like a lot for something that he didn’t even want to do, not that he would actively complain about it. The way his parents treated him like a child got on his nerves a lot. “It'll be through fax or email, we’ve never done this with a student before so we’ll try different methods out and see which one works the best.” _

_ “Every Monday? How long are we going to be doing this?” he questioned with a frown on his face. _

_ “Possibly until next term, our plan is for the long term, but if your parents decide to let you come back next week, we’re fine with that as well,” she said. That means he wouldn’t be able to see his friends until the end of summer which was not ideal. He would prefer the support from his friends over his parents. Hope seemed to over complicate things, things that didn’t need to be complicated and were quite simple. “Lyall said he’ll be here midday tomorrow, so go back to your room, pack everything up as if it is the end of the year. You’ll go to your classes up until lunch and then you’ll be on your way home.” _

_ “That’s it?” _

_ “No, thank you for reminding me. At 4:30 on Wednesday afternoons you’ll have a phone meeting with the counsellor and these meetings will continue once you return until she decides to.” _

_ “Do I have any say in this?”  _

_ “No, you do not,” Professor McGonagall sighed, sounding defeated. Remus wasn’t sure what for though. “For what it’s worth Remus, I don’t agree with it either. This is what your parents have decided and the headmaster agreed.” _

_ On the way back to the dorms, Remus decided to make a large detour and went down to the kitchens where one of the cooks gave him a brownie, before going to the dorms where he was to pack everything. As he went into the room, he could hear the shower running in the bathroom connected to their room, most likely James as he showered a lot. One time Remus counted four times during one day, which was ridiculous.  _

_ Remus sat on his bed, unwrapped the brownie from the serviette and picked at it. He looked around the room where everything was a mess besides Sirius’ corner. He was a little bit of a neat freak, Remus assumed it was because of his parents and the standards they inflicted. It would take forever for him to pack, he usually started a week before the end of term and slowly put everything into his trunk. Once the brownie was gone, he threw the serviette into the bin and sat on the floor in front of his bedside table and started pulling everything out of the drawers.  _

_ “Hey,” Sirius said as the bathroom door opened. He was standing in the doorway in just his underwear, Remus knew not to look too long or it would be painfully obvious about how he felt, he wasn’t even sure if Sirius could actually see him but it was better to be safe than sorry. Sirius walked over to the wardrobe they shared, as it was between his and Remus’ bed. When Remus stood up, Sirius looked at him wide-eyed. “Oh, it’s you.” _

_ “Who did you think it was?” Remus asked as he walked over to his trunk, opened it and threw all his stuff in there. He could go through it at home when he had all the time in the world.  _

_ “I don’t know, I just heard someone,” Sirius said as he put joggers on. Remus grabbed the edge of his trunk and pulled it towards the wardrobe so he didn’t have to go back and forth between the two. Sirius frowned when Remus opened his half and started taking out clothes. “What are you doing?” _

_ “I’m leaving,” Remus told him.  _

_ Sirius raised his eyebrows. “You’re running away?”  _

_ “No, my dad is picking me up tomorrow,” Remus said vaguely. He didn’t want to have to lie to Sirius. If he kept it vague enough, hopefully he wouldn’t have to resort to that.  _

_ “Oh, will you be coming back?” Sirius asked, putting his hand on Remus’ shoulder. _

_ “Probably. Depends on my parents,” Remus said against Sirius’ shoulder as he got pulled into a hug unexpectedly. With the close proximity, Remus could smell the soap Sirius had just used, which somehow made him more attractive. Remus wasn’t sure whether he should hug Sirius back as he still hadn’t put a shirt on and Remus really did not want it to become obvious he fancied him. _

_ “If they can’t afford it, I’m happy to help,” Sirius suggested. _

_ Remus frowned. “You’ll pay for me going to school?” _

_ “Yeah, I’ll start selling weed or something,” Sirius said. _

_ “Thanks but also unnecessary, it’s family issues or something,” Remus laughed at Sirius’ dramatics. _

_ “Lucky you, you’ll get to do nothing every day,” Sirius chuckled in Remus’ ear. He could feel Sirius’ nose up against his hair. With how close they were, he hoped that his body wouldn’t react to it.  _

_ “I’ll still be doing school work, just from home,” Remus explained. While Remus didn’t particularly like hugs, he could get used to Sirius hugging him. He hoped that it wasn't obvious that he fancied him. But if it was, at least he wouldn’t have to worry about it until he got back from Wales, whenever that would be. _

_ “Oh, that sucks.” Sirius smiled sadly as he pulled out of the hug. He didn’t understand why Sirius was getting upset about this, it wasn’t like Remus meant a lot to him or anything. In a few days, Sirius would completely forget that he had left and be okay. “I’ll miss you though, other than myself you’re the only person I can have an intelligent conversation with.” _

The lights practically blinded Remus as he woke up, and he immediately grabbed the bed covers and tried to pull them over his head. Dread set in when he realised that he was in a hospital, he couldn’t even remember getting here.

“Hi,” Nymphadora said, her tired voice coming from beside the bed.

“Hi?” Remus said, slowly peeking out over the blanket. 

“Do you know where you are?” she asked with what seemed like genuine concern in her voice. The concern wasn’t something Remus had been expecting but it was welcome regardless. 

Remus wasn’t very fond of hospitals, as a kid he would sometimes have to hang out at the hospital his mum worked at. Sitting in waiting rooms and wherever he could find a seat surrounded by people who thought they were dying was not something he would recommend to any kid. He preferred going to work with his dad, at least then he could sit in the van and play his yellow Gameboy and listen to music without getting disturbed. “The hospital it seems.” 

“Do you know why you’re here?” she asked.

“I was stabbed,” Remus answered, it wasn't like he had forgotten that. He didn’t know if he could forget that even if he tried, something about the pain in his abdomen would make it very hard to do. For the first time he wondered why Nymphadora was here of all places, this wasn’t a place for kids nor did he actually know her very well. He looked around the ward, there was one empty bed and Sirius was nowhere in sight. It was surprising she wasn't at home with her parents, especially with everything that had gone down yesterday. “Why are you here?”

“Well, my parents are in New York, so Sirius is still babysitting me.” She pulled out her phone and turned it landscape, probably to play a game because his company wasn't satisfactory. Not that he blamed her, he wasn't exactly the best conversationalist at the moment. If anything he just wanted to go back to sleep and ignore everything.

“New York?” he asked, wanting clarification. New York was surprising, it wasn't exactly a local wedding like he thought it would be. To get to New York you had to get on an aeroplane, which would take hours. Meaning that she would be his problem for more than twenty-four hours. 

“The wedding is in New York, they’re there for like ten days,” she explained, looking up over her phone with a smile. “So basically you’re stuck with me until then.”

Ten days of babysitting, ten days Sirius had definitely forgotten to mention. That was a little annoying. It would've been nice if Sirius asked Remus if it was okay but that obviously seemed too hard to do. By his lack of presence, it also seemed that it was too hard to be here for him. “Ten days?”

“Why did you think I had a suitcase with me?” she crooked her head and asked.

“I figured you were staying the night but wanted outfit options?” Remus suggested. He had no idea why she had a suitcase and didn't put any thought into it. 

“Nope, I’m staying,” Nymphadora smiled. For someone who was in a hospital and had seen someone getting stabbed, she seemed to be taking it very well. Not that Remus had ever experienced it before, but being the one that got stabbed it was a different situation.

“Lucky me,” he sighed. Ten days of this, he couldn't say he was looking forward to it. “Where’s Sirius?”

“He went to the toilet like twenty minutes ago, I think he’s either lost or avoiding me.” She shrugged with no emotion. “Possibly even having a cry in the toilets, I’m not sure.”

“Why would he be having a cry? It’s not like I died.” He rolled his eyes. He couldn't picture Sirius having a cry in the toilets, Sirius was very much ‘suck it up until you're alone and then have a cry’. Not go to a toilet to cry in public. 

“Well, he did come home to you bleeding out on the kitchen floor,” she nonchalantly said.

⁂

It was eight days after it happened, Police had come in and questioned him about everything that had happened. Hope had taken something like a month off work after she had saved all her holiday leave. Every day Tonks, as Remus found out she preferred to be called, arrived around 10 A.M., usually with Hope, but today Tonks came without her.

Each day Remus hoped Sirius would come, but he wasn’t holding his breath. The last time Remus actually saw him was the day of the incident. Sirius hadn’t even been responding to texts, so it made Remus wonder whether they were even together. Not that he could recall them breaking up, but after ghosting a few people he knew when it was happening. After everything, he felt as if he deserved a face to face break up rather than radio silence.

“Morning,” Tonks walked into the ward, a book under her arm and two costa coffee cups. She took out an orangish drink and passed it to him. “Sirius told me you liked iced tea and being a store with  _ so many _ options you get peach, so here.”

Since spending a lot of time with Tonks, roughly eight hours a day, he had become weirdly fond of their time together. Even though Remus didn’t quite understand why she came every day for around eight hours. He saw her like a little sister of sorts. 

“What are you drinking?” he asked. The drink she had looked like a milkshake with cream on top, sprinkles and possibly caramel flavouring.

“Salted Caramel Crunch Coffee Frostino,” she said before taking a large slurp of it.

When Remus was her age he hated coffee. Even now he wasn't exactly fond of it but he had been known to drink it when he was desperate for caffeine. He had never understood the hype of it. “Aren’t you a bit young to drink coffee?”

“Try and stop me,” she said, giving him a glare as she took another sip of it.

“Where did you even get money for it?” he asked. His mother wasn't around so it wasn't like she had paid for it, even so he doubted that she would buy a thirteen-year-old coffee. 

“Birthday money. I was going to only buy myself something but I thought it might’ve been rude,” she said. Remus felt bad about that, that she had spent her birthday money on coffee and him, she should've kept it for something that would last longer than five minutes. He awkwardly bent over and grabbed his bag on the floor to get his wallet and pay her back. According to Tonks, Sirius had dropped the bag off during the first day when he was in and out of consciousness. She frowned at him but made no effort to help. “What are you doing?”

Remus found a five quid note and gave it to her. “I’m paying you back, you should save that birthday money and buy like a record or whatever you kids are into these days.” 

“You say that like you’re 70 but thank you.” she hesitantly accepted it and took out her wallet, which had a KPOP girl group on the front. 

“I feel like I am 70,” he chuckled. 

“I’ll buy elbow patches and sew them onto all your shirts and jackets,” she laughed and pulled her phone out of her pocket. The image of his leather jacket with elbow patches made him laugh.

“That’ll be a look, it'll go with my street cred.” he smiled. Every morning Tonks would go onto the Daily Mail website and tell Remus what current events were happening according to them, everything they said seemed to be straight up crazy. He wondered how anyone actually believed anything they said. “So what is happening in the world of the Daily Mail?”

“Jeremy Corbyn is planning a coup on Downing Street,” she said like it was the most normal thing in the world.

He nodded. “Good for him.”

“Oh,” she let out and gave Remus a strange look. That caught his attention because it was like anything they ever said was usually just crazy, like unbelievable crazy. Yet the look she gave him said otherwise.

“What?” he questioned, sitting up properly to prepare himself for the news.

“It’s nothing,” she shook her head. Clear deflection.

“No, show,” he said.

“Sorry, already scrolled past it,” she said.

“Fine, I’ll find it myself,” he got his phone off the table beside his bed. He had no idea what he was looking for but figured by her reaction that he would know when he saw it.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” she passed her phone to him, clearly she had not scrolled past it.

“What the fuck,” he cursed when he saw what he was looking at. It was photos of him and Sirius at James’ wedding, kissing. Not wanting to look at the photos, he passed her back the phone. Maybe that was why Sirius was avoiding him, he didn't want to give this fire any more fuel. “Send me the link.”

When the link had been received, he went back onto the article. He wanted to see what it had actually said if there had been any comment from PR. The date of the article was five days after the wedding, which was two days before the incident happened. It made no sense why he hadn’t been told about this and why it only appeared on the feed now. He quickly went through the article, most of it talking about their album. Halfway through it, it brought up the interview with Mary where their relationship was talked about. Remus couldn't understand how they even got photos of them together, the wedding was on a boat. 

**Remus: PICTURE EXCLUSIVE: Marauders’ Remus Lupin and Sirius Black spotted KISSING at a bandmate's wedding.**

**Remus: Did you see this??**

His mind drifted to the wedding night and what was happening in those photos.

_ Everyone was inside the boat, dancing away. The wedding was small, it was their friend group and James’ parents and Lily’s dad. No major fanfare but a short and sweet ceremony that took place on the deck before moving the reception indoors. It was now dark out, dinner had been eaten, the cake had been cut and everyone was just dancing. Remus danced with Sirius to Moonlight Serenade until Sirius had asked Mary to dance and he decided it was the perfect time to sneak out for a smoke. After last week's disaster dinner, the two had become friends; probably more so when Sirius had found out that Mary was actually a lesbian and in a relationship with Amelia Bones.  _

_ The River Thames was lit up on each side as the boat slowly glided through the water, the city was still wide awake and going on with their lives. When Remus was a kid, he had always wanted to go to London but the closest he ever got was Cardiff. The idea of London was never truly entertained by his parents, they were happy in the Valley and very against England. It was only when he was eleven and on his way to Hogwarts for the first time that he had ever stepped foot in London, it wasn't a scenic trip though. The only thing he had got to see was the inside of King’s Cross, which was fine but since then he had a craving for it. Then when he had convinced his parents to let him stay with Sirius and his uncle, who was away but that detail was left out to his parents, he was well and truly in love with London. There was always something to do, after years of growing up in a small town he had wanted to get out. _

_ When school was over, Sirius, Peter and James were all moving in with each other. At that time, He and Sirius were on a break and the idea of living together was not something Remus had exactly wanted to do but the moment they had made up, it was decided that he would move in with them. A month before school had ended, Benjy had decided to come along too. James had found a four-bedroom flat until Peter had moved out, Benjy had shared beds with anyone who had let him mostly Sirius though when he and Sirius were not together. It was a flat in between Regent’s Park and King’s Cross.  _

_ Remus’ thoughts were interrupted when the door behind him made a creaking noise as it opened. “I was wondering where you got to,” Sirius said, stepping out onto the deck and standing in front of Remus. Now that Sirius had found him, he would get dragged out onto the dance floor to be his partner which was something he didn't particularly want to do but would do it to make Sirius smile. _

_ “I’m just having a smoke,” Remus said, raising the cigarette to his lips and taking a drag before asking, “what are you doing out here?” _

_ “Just this song made me think of you.” Sirius stepped closer and put his hands on Remus’ hips. Sirius was looking decently dishevelled, his suit jacket was still on but most of the buttons of his shirt were undone and his bowtie gone who knows where but it somehow just made him look more beautiful. _

_ Remus frowned, the song that was playing was Love Story by Taylor Swift. The fact that it was that song, of all the romantic mushy stuff that had been playing all night amused Remus. Not that he had anything against her, she was good at what she did, but Remus was hardly her biggest fan. “Taylor Swift made you think of me?” _

_ “You kissed me to this song,” Sirius stated, pressing a kiss against Remus’ jaw. When he pulled back, it lingered and made Remus want to pull him in closer and forget the rest of the world. Yet they were on a boat and it was Sirius’ brother’s wedding. It seemed to be one of the least appropriate places to do something intimate.  _

_ If Remus was being honest, there could be so many different moments Sirius was talking about but none of them sprung to mind. When kissing Sirius, he hardly took in what music was playing or what song it would be good to kiss to. Whatever he meant, it was a coincidence at best. That was probably not something Sirius wanted to hear but it was the truth. After ten years, there would be so many songs they had kissed to or even shagged. “I believe you but I’ve also kissed you to a lot of songs if you think about it.” _

_ Sirius frowned instead. “You don’t remember?”  _

_ “Don’t remember what?” Remus asked, there was definitely a distinct moment Sirius was thinking about but none he could recall and pinpoint that exact song to be playing as it happened. _

_ “Our first kiss was to this song,” Sirius explained, his thumbs rubbing circles onto Remus’ hips. _

_ “I’m going to be honest, other than the actual kiss I don’t remember that night,” Remus laughed awkwardly, other than the kiss there wasn't much else to remember about the night. It had been so long ago and the night had been mixed with vodka, it was the first time he had gotten drunk. Now that Remus focused on that night, he did remember running away from Sirius after the kiss and going to the bathroom connected to their dorm, where he locked himself in and vomited into the toilet. He remembered how anxious he had been about kissing him and on the verge of panic as he thought of how he fucked up their friendship. “Actually, that was a lie, I also remember basically running away from you and locking myself in the bathroom and vomiting.” _

_ “That has to be the most romantic thing ever,” Sirius rolled his eyes but without any malice in his tone.  _

_ “It wasn’t because you were shit, I was spiralling while drunk.” Remus went on to say, not wanting to think that Sirius’ skills rendered him ill.  _

_ “Spiralling?” Sirius questioned. _

_ “I fancied you a lot and then basically had a panic attack thinking you would hate me forever,” Remus confessed. The moment was ten years ago and by now it was clear how much Remus did fancy Sirius, basically, every song had been written about him and considering they were currently dating should give it away. _

_ “Not that it matters now but I fancied you a lot too,” Sirius laughed but ducked his head when a blush crept up on his cheeks. At fifteen, Remus never entertained the idea of them getting together, let alone still be together almost a decade on. After that kiss, he had decided that their friendship was ruined, until the week later Sirius kissed him. It still seemed unlikely that it would ever last, in ways it didn't but still their feelings and determination to make it last did. Up until they had slept together, Remus had thought that Sirius was straight but felt bad so he went along with it trying not to cause any friction in the group. Ten years later, how Sirius is today he didn’t know how he could think he was anything but gay. “I was so obvious about it too, I felt like I followed you around like a lovesick puppy.” _

_ “You still do,” Remus smirked. _

_ “I do not,” Srius said with faked disgust in his tone as he looked up at Remus. He then raised his left hand up and held his index and thumb apart by a centimetre, with the blush still present on his face he continued to smile. “Maybe just a little bit.” _

_ Remus kissed Sirius’ temple. “I’m not much different.” _

_ “You need to wear suits more often, you look good in them,” Sirius said, bringing his hand back to Remus’ hip but flicking his tie on the way down. _

_ “No way,” Remus straightened his tie out with the hand that wasn't preoccupied with the cigarette. _

_ Sirius pouted. “Why?” _

_ “Because I like my boyfriend having his wits about him,” Remus pulled him in closer so that they were only a ruler apart. _

_ “You think you’re so funny,” Sirius smiled. _

_ “I am so funny,” Remus flicked the cigarette into the bin that was beside the door then hooking his finger around the opening of Sirius’ shirt. “What's going on with the buttons?” _

_ “It’s a look,” Sirius said, striking a pose with a hand on his hip and the other in the air. _

_ “Where’s your bow tie?” Remus asked. _

_ “Here,” Sirius pulled out the fabric from his pocket and shoving it into Remus’ and then wrapped his arm around Remus’ neck. “You’re now in charge of it, guard it with your life.” _

_ “Yes sir,” Remus chuckled at the dramatics of it. _

_ “Romeo, save me, they’re trying to tell me how to feel, this love is difficult but it’s real, don’t be afraid we’ll make it out of this mess,” Sirius sang along with Taylor passionately. It was such a simple moment but it made Remus fall further for him not that he knew it was possible. The dorkiness that Sirius managed to possess while looking like the most gorgeous person on planet earth always made Remus feel like the luckiest person on the planet.  _

_ “You’re perfect,” Remus cupped Sirius’ cheeks and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. _

Tonks’ voice brought him back to the moment when she asked, “So you and Sirius are like a thing?”

“Yeah,” Remus shrugged. Part of him felt bad for not telling her but she was Sirius’ family, therefore, his responsibility and once she went home they probably wouldn’t see each other for a while. 

“Why didn’t you say anything before?” she asked.

“We decided when we got together that we got to decide when we told our respective families,” Remus vaguely explained, beyond that, it wasn't really any of her business. For all he knew was that she could go and tell all her friends about what he said, considering that she is related to Sirius people might actually believe it. Keeping everything private was much better and safer, nobody wants their private life to be tabloid news.

“Oh, okay,” she nodded.

“Well, I guess that luxury has now gone,” Remus sighed. “Being able you control who knows and doesn’t.”

The conversation was cut short when Hope walked into the ward, looking somewhat worse for wear. It only occurred to Remus that she didn’t walk in with Tonks because she might’ve been parking the car or talking to Lyall on the phone. 

After Tonks went back to the flat, if they were still staying there, Remus decided to listen to the band. Remus found himself actually liking the music to his surprise. It wasn’t what he expected but didn't hate it. 

In the late afternoon the next day, after spending most of the day talking about various movies and tv shows that each other liked, Remus decided that he was going to admit that he listened to Matt’s band.

“So, I listened to that band you like,” Remus said as he mindlessly stirred his custard with a spoon. He couldn't wait until he got out of the hospital and started eating real food again, the thought of eating something like beef wellington or Thai green curry was so much more appealing than the options they were given. There were only so many times one person could eat sweet and sour chicken or some sort of casserole. After nine days of the blandest food, which was saying something because his Grandma Dot’s version of a nice meal was unseasoned chicken with microwaved vegetables, he’d had enough. 

“Matt’s band?” Tonks asked, taking a piece of the now cold broccoli and putting bits of it into the custard.

“Yeah,” Remus confirmed, taking the orange juice and pouring a little bit into the custard. The custard was now runny and lumpy from the juice and broccoli, he didn't even know why he ordered custard, he didn't like custard by itself but the options of fruit cake or rice pudding seemed worse. 

“What did you think?” She looked at him quizzically, as if studying his facial expressions but it hurt to do anything besides keeping it as relaxed and neutral as he could.

“They’re good, I quite like them,” he admitted which caused her to smile.

“Really?” her voice laced with surprise. The way it came out also sounded like she thought that Remus was lying, but he couldn't understand what he would get out of lying about it. It wasn't as if he was staying in Leeds with his Grandma Dot and was lying about liking her cooking to keep the peace. 

“Why are you surprised?” Remus asked, finally letting go of the spoon and letting Tonks do whatever she likes with it.

“No reason,” she said, putting the butter leftover from the bread roll into the custard and mixing that in. “What’s your favourite song by them?”

His mind went back to the night before when he had listened to the music and found himself quite drawn to  _ Human Remains _ , for the lyrics had been more relatable to than what he would've liked. The turbulent nature of his relationship with Sirius along with their friendship, he didn’t know how many times he had been dragged along to some club with their friends, watched Sirius with someone else, and to forget his own loneliness, would go home with someone else. Yet the entire time all he ever wanted was Sirius and no one else could ever compare to him. “ _ Human Remains _ .” 

“Oh, really?” she questioned with judgement.

“What does that tone mean?” Remus narrowed his eyes at her.

Tonks took a deep breath and rolled her eyes. “It means it's not what I would’ve guessed what your favourite would be if I had to guess.”

That struck his curiosity, it would be interesting to know what she thought would be his favourite. He liked most of  _ On Desire _ . “What would you have guessed?”

“So, believe it or not, but curiosity got the better of me and I did end up googling The Marauders and if I had to guess from listening to that music it would be  _ Trust The Tension _ ,” she explained as she put the meat scraps into the custard before saying, “you know, I didn’t know you sang that song that was super popular a few months ago. I'm related to a person in the band and I had no idea it was him.”

“Family is funny that way, you spend your entire life with them but you never really know them,” Remus thought out loud.

“Why did you join a band?” Tonks changed the subject from the somewhat dark turn it was taking. There was no way that Remus would actually rant to her or tell her private information, yet he found himself confiding in her. He didn't want to have to confide in her, he wanted Sirius here with him and talk to him about everything but it was clear that Sirius didn't want that.

“To impress a boy,” he chuckled. Everything seemed to always come to Sirius, especially in the band.

“Sirius?” she asked amusedly.

“Possibly. He came up with this idea of a band, we were already together at this point so I don’t know why I felt the need to impress him yet I did, so here we are nine years later,” he shared. 

“You and Sirius have been together for nine years? That is so long, how have you put up with him for that long? After ten days I’ve had enough,” she laughed.

“We haven’t been together for the entire time but when you really love someone, it’s kind of easy to spend all that time together,” Remus explained. While Sirius sometimes got on his nerves, out of everyone in the world including his parents, Sirius would be his first choice to spend twenty-four hours with. One thing he never understood in the media was how people could stay with people they didn’t like or couldn’t stand to be around. Spending time with Sirius, whether that be sitting on the couch together watching a movie or just doing their own thing in the same room made Remus’ day better. 

“That’s gross, love is gross.”

“That it is.”

“Who writes the songs in your band?” She asked.

“Me mostly,” Remus replied. While there had been a fair few songs not by him, he was the principal writer when it came to what actually made it onto the albums. Not that it was on purpose since most of the time they did a vote on which ones should be on it. 

“I dare you to eat this,” Tonks pushed the custard towards him, a smirk played on her lips and Remus knew that was in trouble. He didn't even want to know what would happen to his insides if he consumed it, there would probably be some bad gagging at least.

“No, not happening, I've seen what has gone into that,” he shook his head, there was no way he would eat that. Nothing in this world could get him to do it. He knew those would be his famous last words.

“Oh c’mon, don't be a pussy,” she said. 

“I'm not a pussy,” he defended himself against the unsolicited attacks from the teenager. Remus wondered how on earth he ended up getting peer pressured by a thirteen-year-old girl to eat some custard concoction in a hospital. 

“Okay, pussy.” she gave him a disappointed look.

Remus grabbed the spoon from the custard, scooped up a dollop of it before putting it in his mouth. It was foul in a way that Remus couldn’t describe, but he tried to keep a straight face. After giving his fair share of blowjobs to different guys, he liked to think he had mastered keeping a straight face while an awful tasting substance in his mouth. Though he was quite blessed to be with Sirius, who had reasonable tasting cum. He slid the custard tub across the table towards Tonks. “There. I did it.”

“Fine,” she said like she had something to prove. With the tub in her hand, she pushed her head back and tipped the contents of it into her mouth, immediately spluttering everywhere. “Oh fuck, that’s awful, it tastes like vomit.”

As if Sirius could tell that Remus had just been thinking about him, Sirius walked into the ward looking good. If Remus had been given more time he would’ve put some time into presenting himself decently, rather than the joggers and t-shirts he had been living in for the week. Not that he had any other clothes with him. He even sat up properly, rather than the comfortable slouching he had been used to.

“Kiddo, time to go,” Sirius told Tonks, who started to collect her things from around Remus’ section of the ward since the ten days were up and she would be going home tomorrow.

“Sirius, hi,” Remus said, his tone full of hope. 

“Hi,” Sirius looked at Remus without much emotion on his face.

“Can’t you stay for a bit?” he asked his partner. Not only did he miss Sirius, but he needed him. Sure he had his mother for support but he wanted Sirius in particular, who was probably really one of the only people who understood what he was going through.

“No, we have a reservation. Hope wants to take her out for dinner as basically a thank you for not letting you die,” Sirius said, sounding bored.

“I haven’t seen you in a week, you haven’t even replied to my texts. Can you at least visit tomorrow?” Remus asked, just trying to get something out of Sirius, who seemed just a void of emotion. 

“We're in the middle of moving, I’m packing everything myself. I don’t have time to deal with this,” Sirius pulled out his phone and went to texting someone.

Whatever was happening was not good, it made Remus feel sick. In his mind, all Remus could think of was ‘beginning of the end’. Sirius has always had a cold streak to him, that was not news to Remus as he had been on the receiving end from it before but this was in an entirely new league, never would he be so detached unless he was completely over what they had. Perhaps the prospect of having to take care of him or now that his face was no longer perfect it had made Sirius realise how much he didn't want this, that whatever they had was just something to keep him from being lonely. Remus managed to get out, “Is that what I am? Something you have to deal with?”

“We’ll do this later, we have a reservation,” Sirius tried to dismiss the conversation with a wave of the hand but Remus wasn't having any of it.

Remus frowned, the fact that Sirius thought that he could get away with just pushing him aside without even a reason didn't sit well with him at all. If they were breaking up, he deserved more than silence or a wave of the hand. “Am I that big of an inconvenience to you?” 

“I never said that Remus, you’re putting words in my mouth,” Sirius looked up from his phone, the look in his eyes somewhat hard to pin down what it meant.

“You’re not giving me any words so I have to guess what you’re thinking,” Remus explained.

“I really don’t have time for this,” Sirius put his phone in his pocket and looked at Tonks who was standing awkwardly with a bag in her hands.

“Maybe don’t pack my things if I’m that big of an inconvenience,” Remus huffed, everything leaving a bad taste in his mouth. 

Even after ten years, Remus could never wrap his mind around how Sirius could go from acting like a lovesick puppy to completely cold and shut off. It always made Remus feel like he was just there to keep Sirius from feeling lonely. Yet he couldn’t help it, whenever Sirius was near it made him lose all train of thought. 

“Dora, time to go,” Sirius said, not acknowledging what Remus said or even showing any emotion. Tonks looked at Remus with a sad face before walking out. 

Remus was now sitting alone in a hospital bed, wondering what he did wrong. It just felt like everything he touched turned to shit.


	11. Miracle Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ chapter song: miracle love by matt corby ]
> 
> i said i'd never do you harm but i was wrong  
it's so hard to believe but i barely can see where we came from  
we got carried away  
all the love that i was blind to  
and i made my mistakes  
and i laid them all beside you

When Remus stepped into the entrance hall of the new house, he was greeted by James pulling him into a big hug. Remus knew they would’ve gotten back from their honeymoon in India and Thailand the other day. 

When stepping into the threshold, there was a table to put keys, coats and bags down. On the right side, there were two doors which went into the utility room and toilet. On the left side, there was an archway that went into a small reading room. In the hallway against the wall to the reading room, there was a staircase that led up to the bedrooms. 

“It’s so good to see you,” James commented in his ear. When it came to hugging, Remus didn’t exactly like it and usually only let Sirius do it. “I was going to visit you in the hospital but didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

“It would’ve been fine either way,” Remus said, trying to pull away from the hug but James wasn’t planning on letting go. 

In Remus’ far vision, through the narrowing hallway between the entrance hall and the rest of the house, he could see Mary talking to Emmeline. It dawned on him that this was a party or shindig of sorts, which was the last thing Remus wanted. He was tired and craving a normal meal, not to fill himself up on sausage rolls and fish fingers. Mary gave him a small smile and a wave, making him realise that he had been staring at her. 

Was Hope in on this? He awkwardly tried to look around the room and saw her walking up the staircase with the bag he had during hospital. 

“Oi, my turn,” Benjy tapped James’ shoulder, which Remus was grateful for because being hugged felt suffocating. 

“He’s mine,” James replied burying his head into the crook of his neck.

“I wouldn’t mind not being hugged,” Remus put forth which finally got James to let go, making Remus think he was in the clear. James had another idea and gave him a peck on the lips. “Please don't ever do that again.” Remus wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Didn't you like it?” James asked.

“No, you’re awful,” Remus told James, who just smiled in return.

“I’m not going to kiss you,” Benjy said as he gave Remus a brief hug. 

“Thank fuck,” Remus laughed.

“How are you?”

“Tired and a little sore.”

Remus followed Benjy through the hallway. On the right side through another archway, there was the kitchen. It was black and had wood accents and an island in the middle with stools around it and windows along a wall. Lily was in the kitchen with Dorcas and they both were drinking tea.

At the end of the hallway, there were french doors along the right wall along with windows, showing a small courtyard between the kitchen and dining room at the end of the house. The living room was large and open. It was painted black like all the rooms in the house, with brown and wood furniture and plants scattered around the room. The ceiling was raised to the next level’s height, but instead of a wall going all the way up the next floor had a rustic wood railing.

On the left wall, the TV was hung up with one brown three-seater couch against the inside wall with the landing, a coffee table that was in line with the tv and two armchairs on the other side of that. The guitars that were used often were placed on stands along the wall underneath the tv. Beyond that area, there was a black grand piano set up and an archway to the right where the dining room was, which was completely glass. The back wall also had french doors and a glass window either side looking out into the green backyard.

All the furniture he had seen so far seemed to be new, which partially annoyed Remus but not enough to say something. Everything in their flat was mismatched and was all secondhand except for the mattresses. Yet he would’ve liked a heads up, not that Sirius had even talked to him. It had actually surprised him how much work Sirius had done in the two weeks Remus had been in hospital. He definitely had help doing it. 

“Hey,” Florence pulled Remus into a hug, which was surprising as he didn’t even think she would be invited. The only person she knew besides Hope was Sirius and Sirius didn’t particularly like her. The only conclusion he could come to was that his mum was in on it.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Remus questioned but hugged her back, despite not understanding why she was here. He wasn’t even aware that Florence lived nearby, it wasn’t like she would travel from Wales to London for a party. A party he didn’t want.

“Your mum asked me to come. So, these are the people you left Wales for?” she looked around the room, her eyes not falling on anyone in particular. It made him wonder if she had actually talked to anyone yet.

“I left Wales to get away from my parents since they hate England,” he corrected her. Neither of the reasons was the complete truth, but they also weren’t lies. He loved his parents, but after a week of spending time with them, they drove him half insane.

“Rightly so, fuck England,” she giggled, her hand going to rest on his arm. 

“You do know basically everyone here but us is English,” he explained, she just shrugged.

“I’m not fucking English,” Mary turned her head around, she had been talking to Emmeline but obviously listening to the conversation he had been having with Florence.

“Us and Mary,” he corrected himself. Mary had grown up in Skye and still frequented there often. After finishing school, she had moved to Glasgow for university and did a radio show there before moving to London when she was 24. 

They had met Mary during an interview when their first album came out when they were twenty. After their interview, they went their separate ways and a year later they met again for another interview. Lily had come along, they had hit it off. From there on out, Mary had become part of their friendship group.

“Thank you, I don’t ever want to be called English again,” she crossed her arms.

“Yes Ma’am,” he saluted her before she went back to talking to Em. Florence was standing there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with herself. “Have you been introduced to anyone?”

“No, I mean I sorta met Sirius in Wales but no,” she explained, moving her hand from Remus’ arm to scratch the back of her neck.

Remus looked around the room and saw Marlene sitting on the couch scrolling on her phone. “Marley, come here.” He motioned on her over with his finger. 

Marlene looked up and walked over to him. “What’s up?”

“This is Florence, she's a friend. Be nice to her, please?” Remus introduced Florence. She moved her hand from Remus’ arm and gave a small wave.

“What do I get out of it?” Marlene asked, her brow was raised.

“A new friend,” Remus supplied.

Marlene nodded and turned to Florence, with a smile on her face. “So, Florence. How do you know Remus?”

“Our families are friends,” Florence said.

“That’s nice. So you've known each other for a long time?” Marley asked.

“Yeah. My mum and his dad went to school together, they were best friends or whatever,” Florence told her. “We dated for a while when we were younger.”

Marlene smirked as she looked at Remus, obviously thinking something was amusing. “That makes sense.”

“Does it?” Florence asked.

“Remus has a type,” Marlene poked Remus’ arm.

“I don’t have a type,” he stepped away from her finger, but it was too late. 

“Yes you do,” she shook her head, her finger still poking into him.

“No I don’t,” he flicked her finger away. It was juvenile but he didn’t care.

“Black hair, blue eyes. Who does that sound like?” she asked.

“It could be a lot of people,” he said, purposely pretending to be thick. 

“I’m thinking about someone in particular,” Marlene raised her eyebrows up and down a few times.

“He has grey eyes, not blue,” Remus said. He didn’t want to participate in this conversation at all, and why Florence felt the need to bring up the fact they dated when they were kids was beyond him. Since arriving, he hadn’t seen Sirius and couldn’t see him around the room either. “Speaking of him, where is he?”

“I saw him head upstairs,” Marlene said.

Remus had stepped away from Marlene and Florence, just to be pulled into a hug by Emmeline. “Remus, I’m so glad you’re back. What happened was crazy, or at least what Benj told me,” Em gushed into his ear as they embraced.

“Yeah,” Remus sighed. He liked Emmeline but he wondered how long he would have to pretend to be interested in what she had to say before he could go find Sirius. 

“You okay?” she asked as she pulled out of the hug, probably noticing his absentmindedness. 

“I just haven’t seen Sirius yet, we sort of had a fight last week and haven’t spoken since,” he told her the truth, that way she might actually not try to talk to him. Normally he would be happy to have a conversation with her about her studies, but his mind was just on Sirius.

“You broke up again?” she asked with a raised brow.

“We never said we got back together,” he replied.

“Mhm, sure. I’ve seen the photos. I’ll let you go find him then.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Said he was going to put his phone on charge in his room,” she answered

“Thanks,” Remus said and made his way to the staircase. When he entered the foyer he could see Sirius walking down the stairs. He walked up the stairs and stopped a couple of stairs down from him. Despite the uncertainty about their relationship and how their last conversation went, Remus was relieved to actually see Sirius again. “I was just coming to see you.”

“Well, here I am,” Sirius said with a forced smile on his face.

“There you are,” Remus replied. Reading Sirius’ body language, Remus could tell that Sirius didn’t want to be part of this conversation. That hurt him.

Everything was going well before Fenrir showed up, they were happy. Since then it felt like their relationship had turned into shit. It seemed like the world was against them.

“You’re kind of in the middle of the staircase,” Sirius pointed out.

Remus knew what he was getting at but he had enough of getting shut out by him, he needed something from Sirius that showed that he was still interested or wanted this. Being held at arm’s length for weeks wasn’t a fun experience. “Is that a problem?”

“Well, I’m trying to walk down them. I can’t do that when you’re standing there, can I?” Sirius pointed out as he folded his arms. 

“Sirius,” Remus said his name breathily. 

He was frustrated that Sirius wasn’t really giving him anything. Maybe that was Sirius’ plan, to keep giving him nothing until he gave up. That way if Remus broke up with him, he was the bad guy. At least with a party, Sirius had a reason to hide and not talk to Remus.”

“Remus.”

“What is all this?”

“This is our home.”

“I meant why is everyone here? I didn’t want this, I just wanted a quiet night.”

“Your mum and James organised it, I didn’t have anything to do with it,” Sirius explained, playing with the tips of his hair. At least now Florence made more sense, there was no way Sirius would’ve even spared a thought for inviting her. “If I had it my way we would’ve just ordered Thai in or something.”

“Right,” Remus said, not quite believing the quiet night in part. Sirius was always much more social and lived for talking to people and going out.

“Are you going to move or just continue to stand there?” Sirius questioned.

“Right,” Remus repeated but moved to the side, giving Sirius enough room to go past.

“We’ll talk once everyone has gone home, okay?” Sirius said softly, squeezing Remus’ bicep as he walked by him. 

That gave him a little hope, at least there was a plan to talk about it. Or maybe Sirius wanted to break up with him and didn’t want people to be around when he did it. After the history of their relationship, it was probable that it was his plan. The possibility of getting broken up with, if they were still even together, put a damper on Remus’ mood. 

“Okay,” Remus replied weakly and watched Sirius disappear down the hall.

Since no one was around, Remus decided to hide away in the reading room. He wasn’t in a people mood and trying to keep a conversation with someone wasn’t something he wanted to do. 

The room was cosy, there was a couch underneath the window at the front of the room and two armchairs and a floor to ceiling bookcase at the back. It had books, records, photos and trinkets on the shelves. Their guitars that weren’t used often also hung on the inside wall. 

The first bass he had ever owned hung on the wall in front of him. It had cost Sirius something like eighty quid in a charity shop. During the summer when Remus had been staying with Sirius, he had told his parents that Alphard would be with them but that was a lie. After all, he was sixteen and his parents would’ve never agreed to it if he hadn’t told them that. Sirius was on a mission to find a leather jacket and they had ended up in the store where he laid eyes on the bass. 

He carefully took the guitar down off the wall, then set everything up so he could play with his headphones on so he didn’t disrupt the party. Once he had settled on the couch and had the headphones on, it was like the world around him had completely melted away. 

After spending two weeks in the hospital, it was nice to have a bass in his hand. Music had always made everything easier, it was his emotional release. He could focus all his attention onto it. Since their album came out a month ago and they weren’t going to tour with it, he could actually put more attention on it. 

He knew the album was doing well from their record label’s overall positive moods, which meant they were making money. Plus, he had read some of the reviews, they seemed to be all rather positive which made Remus happier than he cared to admit. Management was not exactly pleased with the decision not to tour, but after what happened with Fenrir the last thing Remus wanted was to be on a bus while going through this. James wanted to spend more time with Harry, considering that most of his life James has spent away touring while Lily stayed home because of her job. Sirius was also on James’ side, possibly because he didn’t want to have to perform songs about the whole cheating debacle even when it was disguised by storeys and metaphors. While Benjy and Remus wanted to go on tour when they had been talking about it, they understood where James was coming from.

With everything surrounding his relationship with Sirius, it probably helped the album do better as it had a higher potential to appeal to gay people. Despite the tabloids being given no comment on the photos, it was probably expected that he would either discuss his sexuality or Sirius in the next album. Also, it was inevitable that all their current songs written by him would be dissected until people found proof they were together. 

He had seen what some of the fans thought about him and Sirius even before the photos and it did make him feel uncomfortable. Other than Tonks accidentally stumbling across those photos, which he should’ve been made aware of when they were posted, he had stayed away from that part of the internet. Not having social media helped, he was sure Sirius probably got spammed with all sorts of things about them and his sexuality.

If they got out of their conversation later with their relationship still intact, they needed to have a discussion about how they were going to handle their relationship in public. The last thing Remus wanted was to everyone to know the intricacies of their relationship and how turbulent it could be. Coming out was something he didn’t want to do in particular either, he liked his personal life staying private. 

Remus didn’t know how much time had passed but suddenly he was hungry. Once he took his headphones off and put his bass down carefully, he noticed Florence was leaning against the doorframe. 

“How long have you been standing there?” Remus asked her.

“A couple of minutes, you were really in your element.” Florence smiled.

“I would hardly call it my element,” he laughed awkwardly. 

“I’ve known you for a long time and I can definitely say it is. I can’t see you do anything else,” she said as she pushed herself off the doorframe and walked over to the couch. She threw her jacket on the armchair just inside the door in the process. “I saw you guys at Brixton last year before you took off.”

“We haven’t taken off,” Remus rolled just eyes. He didn’t believe they had ‘taken off’, they just got more listeners and streams than what they used to. It didn’t necessarily make them famous or super popular.

“The album has been number one for like a month now, that’s taken off. Also, you've had a massive spike in listeners as well,” she said, rolling her eyes now to match Remus.

He raised his eyebrow at her. It was a little surprising that she knew that, after all, they weren’t close. “Are you keeping tabs on me?”

“No, my mum does though, and she sends me texts. It’s been very much ‘I can’t believe this, I remember when you two were kids and the concerts you two would do for us,’” Florence explained. 

As kids, they used to put on concerts for their parents with her brother. They were never good and usually involved singing Disney songs while dressed up as superheroes and tutus. In one photo that his mum absolutely loved, Remus was wearing a grass skirt, Ioan had a tutu on his head and Florence was dressed up as Batman. They had been singing Hakuna Matata. There were also videos that he and Florence had recorded together of them recreating music videos, usually whatever song was popular at the time. One that Remus remembered a little too well was Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child, he wasn’t a very good dancer but he tried his best.

When they were younger, before Florence and her family had moved to Wrexham, their families would do everything together. Most of the time Ioan would stay in his room and play video games while Florence and Remus would dress up in all black and spy on their parents or have a dance party to ABBA’s music.

“God, don’t remind me,” he laughed. “How is Ioan?”

“Fine, I guess, we don’t really talk,” she shrugged.

As an only child, up until Remus was fourteen he had wanted a sibling. It seemed like it was so much fun, having somebody to talk to and play with while he had no one. After he became a teenager, he realised that if he ended up with a sibling they would be younger and not have the same interests. Sirius also complained about Regulus a lot up until he left home, then it was usually about how he was a dick up until he had died. “What happened? Give me the gossip.”

“When we moved out of home we just sort of fell out of touch. He moved in with his girlfriend in Blackpool, I moved to London,” she explained as she rested her head in the palm of her hand.

“Quite underwhelming gossip,” he commented. He hoped for a little drama or scandal, nothing major but something a little more interesting than just losing touch. Drama was always more interesting as a bystander… but when it happened to involve Remus, he always wanted the world to swallow him whole.

“You were expecting a fight?” she cocked her head.

He tried to repress a smile. “Possibly?” 

“Sorry to disappoint,” she rolled her eyes playfully. There was a moment of silence between them, her gaze went to Remus’ mouth before quickly reverting back to his eyes. “Can I ask you something, I basically already know the answer but part of me is curious about it.”

“Go for it.” He leaned back against the couch.

“Are any of the songs about me?” she asked.

Remus shook his head. “No, sorry.”

“It’s fine, I figured that was the answer but sometimes I wonder what if it is about me and I’m going through life thinking it’s not me but it is me, you know?” she laughed and flicked her hair off her shoulder with the back of her hand.

“I think so?” 

“Do you ever regret what happened between us?”

“Getting together or breaking up?”

“Breaking up.”

“Uh, no. I regret the way I did it, but not doing it,” Remus explained. Breaking up over text wasn’t something he would do now but he didn’t know when he would see her next and didn’t want to keep leading her on until then. But he didn't regret doing it because that would imply that at some point since they had broken up he wanted to be with her, which was far from the truth.

“Oh,” Florence said, somewhat taken aback by what he had told her.

“Why, do you wish I didn’t?” he asked. 

She hummed, he couldn’t tell if it was a yes or a no hum. “Part of me wonders how different our lives would be if we didn’t.”

“I doubt we would still be together,” Remus voiced. Taking both his feelings for men and Sirius out of the equation of their breakup, he doubted even then that they would be together. How many people were still in a relationship with their partner from when they were fourteen? Very few.

“Why do you say that?” she asked, frowning.

“I broke up with you because I liked boys and my best friend in particular. Even if I didn’t break up with you, those feelings would still be there,” Remus explained, it wasn’t like he could just turn off those feelings. He had tried to get over Sirius and the fact that he still had those feelings proved that it didn’t work at all. “It didn’t help that I was in Scotland for most of it. You deserved better than all of that.”

“Sure, but it’s not like you’re still gay,” she said. 

“I’m bisexual to be exact, so still sorta gay,” he laughed nervously. While he knew he wasn’t Kinsey six gay, he was either a four or five depending on the day. He didn’t mind being with women, but from his experience, he didn’t know whether he would ever date one again. 

“But you do like women?” she raised an eyebrow.

“I do, but without going deep into my internalised homophobia, it took me accepting that I like men to figure out if I had a genuine attraction to women or whether it was stemmed from me wanting to be normal,” Remus explained, confirming he did in fact like women but it was more complicated than that. 

“What’s internalised homophobia?” she questioned.

Remus let out a sigh. Since it seemed like a genuine question, he wanted to give her an answer but he didn’t want to talk about his own experience with it. Growing up he didn’t dislike gay people or anything like that, but when he finally admitted to himself that he did in fact like blokes, he did struggle with his feelings towards himself. He had also known Lyall’s feelings towards gay people, it was mainly stemmed from religion but it made Remus question himself. 

“Uh, the most simple way I can explain it as is self-hate because of being gay, but it’s much more complicated than that,” he explained vaguely. When she tilted her head in what seemed to be confusion he knew he had to go into it more. “Some people are in denial, some people are just homophobic because of the rhetoric they were taught as kids, some hide the fact that they’re gay and their relationships, some people never come out and force themselves into unfulfilling relationships, some people come out later in life. It has different meanings for everyone, if you asked Marlene what internalised homophobia, she could give you a completely different answer.”

“I was your unfulfilling relationship?” Florence asked, her head still titled but she had a small smile on her face.

“I mean I didn’t hate being with you, but I wasn’t fully committed to you considering the entire time I wanted to be with someone else,” he shared, though he thought it was rather obvious. “I think if our relationship wasn’t long distance, it would’ve ended a lot sooner. I would’ve realised that it wasn’t something I wanted.”

“Wow, that’s nice,” she laughed awkwardly. Last time they saw each other she had told him that she was over everything that happened, but Remus wondered if that was entirely true. He didn’t think she was hung up on him, but maybe wondered if she had turned him gay or if she did something wrong. 

“You can’t honestly say that you would’ve preferred us staying together. I would’ve hated every moment of it, you would probably notice that I wanted to be anywhere but with you and that would have impacted your mental health. Really, me breaking up with you was probably the best thing I could’ve done,” he tried to make her see his point of view. 

Florence frowned. “But you do like me, don't you?” 

“Of course I do,” Remus said as he looked over his shoulder at her. While there weren't any romantic feelings for her, it wasn’t as if he held any negative feelings towards her. If anything, they hardly knew each other anymore. 

Florence looked at Remus intently. It made him feel self-conscious as she studied the scars. “Does it hurt?” she asked, her hand coming up to cup his face.

“Sometimes,” he said, hyper-aware of her hand on his face. He was paranoid about them getting infected or touched in any way, he wanted them to heal quickly and not be permanently scarred. 

“I honestly thought he would never… not to you,” she frowned. It wasn’t like he didn’t trust her, but talking about Fenrir wasn’t something he wanted to do. When he had talked about him in the past, it always came off as if she was fascinated by it, not that she genuinely cared about Remus. If he was going to talk about it, it wouldn’t be to her. He would rather tell Sirius everything. 

“I would rather forget about it,” he tried to hint. 

“I can help with that,” she smiled before moving in closer. Before Remus was able to reply, she kissed him, taking him completely by surprise. 

He carefully pushed her back, not wanting to hurt her but also trying to get out of the kiss. All the signs were there that she was going to kiss him, but he hadn’t been questioning them. He felt so naive about it, he knew he should’ve known better. “Flo, this isn’t going to happen. I don’t know if I’ve given you the wrong idea, but I thought I was clear about how I don’t want to be with you.”

“We just had a moment.” she frowned, it was clear that she had been hurt by his reaction.

“You might’ve thought we did, but I didn’t have one,” he tried to explain to her. Despite how uncertain his relationship with Sirius was, after last time there was no way he would put it in jeopardy. The things she mentioned earlier came across as though she wanted something more than casual, which he knew he wouldn’t be capable of giving even if he and Sirius weren’t together. No part of him, in any scenario, wanted this to happen. His thoughts were disrupted by how he was going to tell Sirius about this when Florence leaned in again as if she hadn’t got the message the first time. “I’m in a relationship.”

“That’s some bullshit, why did you flirt with me?” she asked. 

Remus frowned, which caused the cuts to hurt. It didn’t make sense to Remus as he couldn’t recall flirting with her or intentionally flirting. They had been talking about how much he didn’t want to be with her. “When did I flirt with you?”

“You introduced me to your friends, just then… It’s bullshit,” she raised her voice.

“I wasn't flirting with you, I told you I was happy we weren’t in a relationship and you took that as flirting?” Remus stood up to put distance between them. An exit strategy was what he needed, he didn’t want to ask her to leave because confrontation wasn’t something he ever wanted to do. He looked at the doorway, Sirius was standing there with his arms crossed. A moment after their eyes met Sirius quickly left.

“Sirius, fuck.”

Remus quickly followed him, Sirius was already halfway up the staircase. If Sirius had witnessed the kiss, he would have to know that he didn’t ask or want to be kissed. Maybe Sirius was pissed about what he had told him at the hospital and this was the way he had decided to handle it. 

“I’m going to bed.” Sirius stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn around.

Remus could tell that he was getting shut out, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to work that out. It was frustrating to him because he had told her that it wasn’t going to happen, he wanted no part of it and now Sirius was pissed at him for something that he couldn’t control.

“Don't do this, please. Just talk to me,” Remus pleaded to Sirius’ back. It seemed to be a pointless attempt as he didn’t turn around.

“No, I’m tired,” Sirius replied, brushing the topic away. “I’m not doing this right now, Remus. We’ll talk about this later.”

Remus reached out for Sirius’ hand, as soon as his fingertips brushed the palm Sirius had moved his hand out of the way. “Sirius.”

“I want her out of our home and I don’t want to see her again,” Sirius said before walking up the stairs. Remus wanted to follow him and try to talk to him but he figured it would only make matters worse. 

Taking a deep breath in, Remus walked back down the stairs. On the couch, Florence sat expectantly with hope in her eyes as if his answer had changed in the past minutes. He couldn’t understand why she kissed him or why she thought he would change his mind. The only thing he could think of was how she mentioned the number one, perhaps she didn’t even want to be with him but just wanted the idea of him. Popularity was what she wanted, not actually him. 

Florence’s jacket was resting on the armrest of one of the chairs, he picked it up and passed it to her. There was no other way to do it other than be blunt about it, that way she couldn’t misconstrue. Yet he believed if anyone could do it, it would be her. “You need to leave,” he said, purposely standing more than a metre away from her.

“I love you,” she stood up and took a step towards him. This couldn’t actually be happening, while they had talked occasionally over the past ten years it wasn’t as if they were best friends. Most of the time he had heard about her through Rhiannon, her mother and his father’s best friend. He had no interest in her romantically, he barely did when they were dating. 

Remus quickly stepped back, trying to create more space between them. “Fucking hell. Florence, you barely know me anymore.”

“I do,” she claimed, not that Remus agreed with her. 

“Before my mum’s birthday, how many times had we talked since we broke up?” He asked her but didn’t care for the answer because he knew it already. It wasn’t often to say the least. Maybe once every couple of months up until Hope’s birthday. Since then she had started texting him more often. In hindsight, he knew he should’ve realised what was happening but it seemed a little egotistical to think someone likes you if they had not admitted it. “You’re only interested in me now because I have a number one or whatever the fuck it is.”

“That’s unfair,” she frowned. 

“Florence even if that’s not your reasoning, I’m happy with Sirius. And even if I wasn’t, that doesn’t automatically mean I would want to be with you,” he explained.

She looked at him astounded. “Wait, you’re dating Sirius?”

“Yes, I have been for ten years. That’s not going to change because of you,” he said, despite the ten years being a slight exaggeration. Sure they first got together ten years ago, but it hasn’t been smooth sailing since then. It wasn’t her business anyway.

“You actually left me for him,” she accused with a bitterness in her voice. In retrospect, Remus realised that the entire conversation that happened leading up to the kiss was probably her way of figuring out where they stood. Since he wasn’t aware of that, he had been talking about everything as if it was in the past, as if his feelings could’ve changed in that time. 

“You sound surprised as if I didn’t tell you that when it happened,” he explained. When the break up happened, he told her it was because of his feelings for someone else. Then she found out that it was Sirius, he had been honest about that. Remus couldn't believe the audacity of her complaining about it, as if he had lied to her.

How did he even find himself in the middle of this drama? Drama he wanted no part of, drama he was dragged into. At Hope’s birthday, Sirius had been annoyed that she had been there. Perhaps Sirius wasn’t even annoyed at him, he just wanted a valid reason to hate Florence and now he had it. That theory only half-worked, however, as it didn’t explain why Sirius was acting that way with him. 

For only a brief moment the thought that none of this would happen if he was single popped into Remus’ head. The thought got squashed quickly but guilt still came immediately after. After almost fifteen years of knowing each other, Remus was aware of how many flaws Sirius had and vice versa, yet he was caught off guard with the way Sirius acted sometimes. He knew Sirius had his reasons for acting the way he did but he doubted he would ever find out what they were. Considering Sirius seemed to be a mystery wrapped in an enigma and stuffed into a conundrum. 

Remus held his hand out to motion towards the door. “Now please leave.”

“Fine,” Florence grumbled in return, putting on her jacket before walking out of the room. There was a click when the front door was shut and Remus decided it was safe to leave the room without the possibility of getting glared or sworn at.

Remus ran his fingers through his hair as Benjy came out of the hallway on his phone. The man looked up from his phone and frowned at Remus. “Hey, you okay?”

“You’re still here,” Remus said, half surprised that people were still here. He expected that Florence only tried to kiss him while they were alone without any chance of being walked in on. 

“Yeah, I was talking to Lily and James. They just left. I’m the last one.” Benjy put his phone in the pocket of his jeans. “I was about to leave but I lost my phone, so I was trying to find it.”

Not that it was any of his business, he found it odd that Emmeline wasn’t with him or if she was, she must’ve been waiting outside already. It seemed that she wasn’t around but still, he found it curious and he couldn’t help but ask. “Emmeline?” 

“She went back with Mary,” Benjy explained, that made sense. It was a Friday night and she did have a job along with studying, she was probably tired and just wanted to go to sleep. It wasn’t unusual to find her asleep on couches. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re leaving,” Remus shrugged. He didn’t want to make a big deal of it, Sirius couldn't genuinely be angry at him over something that was out of his control.

“I can stay longer. I’ll make you a tea,” Benjy turned on his heels and walked back down the hall.

“I can make myself tea,” Remus called out to Benjy before following him into the kitchen. 

“I’m sure you can,” Benjy said, flicking the switch on the kettle on. The kettle made a rumbling sound as it started to heat the water inside of it. “We haven’t really talked much, have we?”

“No, not really,” Remus agreed. In school since James and Sirius were best friends and did everything together, Peter, Benjy and Remus were all quite close. After Benjy moved in with Emmeline, they stopped talking so much since they didn’t see each other often. 

“So, other than the stabby thing, what’s up?” Benjy asked. 

“Sirius, as usual.” Remus sighed.

Benjy nodded as he got out Remus’ mug from a cabinet. If he knew where the mugs were kept, that probably meant that he had helped Sirius move or that he had been here before. “Broke up again?”

“I honestly have no clue where I stand with him, he is currently refusing to talk to me so there’s that,” Remus let out. 

“What happened?” Benjy questioned, 

“I don’t know if you met her, but my ex Florence, she was here tonight-” Remus started to say.

Benjy cut him off. “Right, the female version of Sirius.”

“She’s not the female version of Sirius,” Remus denied the claim. Even Marlene said they looked alike, which was far from the truth. Taking a maybe they look alike into account, their personalities were not the same; therefore she wasn’t female Sirius.

“If that’s what you tell yourself, okay.” Benjy shook his head. 

“She kissed me, Sirius saw,” Remus told him in the simplest form of what happened.

“What did you do when she kissed you?” Benjy asked, suddenly seeming much more interested in what had happened.

“Told her it wasn’t going to happen. I don’t understand why she even kissed me, I was talking about internalised homophobia and how I hated dating her,” Remus ranted. It didn’t make sense, who would even take that conversation as flirting or a sign that they want to be kissed. The only person who was allowed to kiss him without warning or asking was Sirius. 

“She’s MSN girl, right?” 

“Yes, how do you know that?”

“I talk to Sirius… Well, Sirius talks to James and James talks to me. I heard all about your Welsh ex-girlfriend. I haven’t heard of any other girlfriends of yours, so it's a simple deduction.”

“I just… Sirius saw the kiss, so he must’ve seen me pull away and tell her off because of it.”

“Are you going to admit you’re in a relationship with him?”

“Doesn’t this conversation go without saying?”

“Sure, sure.”

“I don’t know what to do because while in the hospital, we had a fight and I basically said I didn’t want to be with him.”

“Fucking hell, why don’t you two ever just fucking talk to each other?”

“Because Sirius likes ignoring my existence when it suits him?”

“Sirius likes ignoring everyone when it suits him, you’re not special.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m wishing for a different relationship. I know that I want to be with him, I know how I feel about him but I feel myself longing for things to change and it’s like a completely different relationship,” Remus confessed. “I feel like a cunt needing more than I get, wanting more than I get.”

“You could talk to him about it,” Benjy suggested.

Remus raised his brow that didn’t have a cut through it. “Since when did you become the advocate for talking about things?” 

“Em makes me talk.” Benjy shrugged.

“And you do?” Remus asked.

“Yes, it’s a way to avoid fights. Also, what is the point of keeping shit a secret if it’s going to ruin your relationship? Can you honestly tell me that you would rather suffer by yourself and destroy your relationship while you’re at it than actually talk to him?” Benjy questioned back. 

Remus could see his point but that only worked in theory. It was all good and well to say ‘just talk to him’ but extremely difficult to do so if the other half was ignoring everything being said. To get Sirius to listen or participate in a conversation he didn’t want to take part in was not an easy task. 

“It’s not that simple, Benjamin. He needs to talk to me too,” Remus replied. 

“Maybe he will if you do,” Benjy supplied, unaffected by the use of his full name. 

Remus narrowed his eyes, it wasn’t that easy and nothing was making him see that. “Maybe he won’t.”

“But at least you can say you have tried instead of just whining about it,” Benjy explained. 

“I’m not whining,” Remus retorted. 

“You are. I love you, so I deal with it,” Benjy smiled. “Do you want to do something about it?”

“How?”

“Talk to him.”

“He’s not talking to me, he’s barely talked to me in two weeks. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Tell him that, tell him exactly what you need. He's not a mind reader, how is he supposed to know what you need when you shut him out.”

“I’m not shutting him out.”

“You do have a habit of doing it. I don’t know if you need to hear it but not everything going wrong in your relationship is Sirius’ fault.”

“I know that, I do.” Remus ran his fingers through his hair. Obviously, he knew that. He was the one in the relationship, he had Sirius tell him off plenty of times. “But I’m the one who has been trying for the past few weeks and I’ve gotten nothing from him.”

“Kissing your ex to get his attention is… not great,” Benjy said rather judgmentally. 

“I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me. I told her that it wasn’t going to happen, I wouldn’t do that,” Remus tried to explain but by the look on Benjy’s face, he was clearly on Sirius’ side even though he hadn’t heard it. Remus didn’t even know Sirius’ side, but if it involved him thinking that Remus wanted it to happen, it was very wrong.

“Remus.” Benjy glared at him.

“I didn’t kiss her!” Remus defended himself. He firmly stood by the fact that he did not kiss her, he didn’t ask to be kissed, he didn’t want to be kissed. 

“I heard all about Kingsley, so sorry if I don’t believe you,” Benjy raised his eyebrows. 

“That was an accident,” Remus rolled his eyes. 

“What, you tripped and your dick landed in his arse and you continued tripping for a month, then you what? Hit your head and accidentally sent him pictures of your dick?” Benjy asked, painting a rather colourful picture of it.

“You and James always say you can’t keep track of our relationship, I can’t either,” Remus gave an explanation, he didn’t know if Benjy would accept it but it was the truth. “Right now I have no clue about if we’re together or not, but after last time I’m not going to risk it.”

“Sounds like excuses.” Benjy shook his head

“Sirius saw the conversation and the kiss, so he knows what happened,” Remus explained. “He's just taking it out on me, probably for telling him off at the hospital.”

“If you don’t want to be with him, break up with him. He deserves at least that.”

“I do want to be with him, I was just pissed and annoyed.”

“Sirius has been brought up thinking nobody wants him, you know you’re his favourite person and you tell him exactly that. How else do you think he’s going to react?”

“I didn’t tell him straight up that I didn’t want to be with him, I basically said I don’t want to be with him if he just sees me as an inconvenience.”

“He doesn’t,” Benjy rolled his eyes.

“Imagine, you’re in the hospital. Emmeline’s fucking thirteen-year-old cousin is there, but Em is nowhere to be seen. You try texting her, you don’t get a reply. You haven’t heard from her for over a week when you do finally see her, she tells you that she’s busy and that she has a dinner reservation. You then ask her if she can come later and then she says that she can’t deal with this,” Remus told Benjy about what had happened. “I was getting ghosted by him but I’m the bad guy because I don’t want to be treated that way.”

“I have to say…” Benjy trailed off, the end of the sentence hanging in the air. 

Remus slouched over and rested his chin on top of his hands. If his mum saw that his elbows were on the kitchen counter, he would get told off for being rude. “Yeah?”

“That is pretty shit, I can’t deny that.”

“I want to be with him, I do… Perhaps I’m just a masochist, staying with him even though I know it’ll turn to shit.”

“I think you just love him and think that things will be different. He probably feels the same about you.”

“Why is everything so hard?” Remus questioned. He didn’t expect an answer from Benjy but it would be nice to have someone tell him all the things wrong so that he could fix them all. “You’ve known Em a fraction of the time and you’re getting married. I’ve known Sirius for fourteen years and I’m lucky to get two months from him.”

“Talk to him. You love each other, it can be that easy if you just try,” Benjy said, but Remus didn’t quite believe him despite him wanting to. 

Remus sighed. “It’s been ten years, at this point I think we’re just doomed.” 

“I don’t think that. How many people are with the same person from when they’re fifteen? You two are practically the old married couple of our group at this point, whether you’re together or not,” Benjy said.

“People fall out of love all the time though. Who is to say that we won’t?” Remus questioned. He didn’t know whether he and Sirius would pass the test of time.

“Who is to say Emmeline and I will last, same with James and Lily? None of us knows for sure, but we do know at this moment in time that we are, and that’s all that should matter. Stop worrying about the future, nothing is ever certain,” Benjy told him. “Here’s my advice, go upstairs tell the idiot that you’re sorry and that you love him then suck his dick or whatever you two do.”

It was nice to hear that even Benjy didn’t know if he and Em would last, but also Remus hated everything being uncertain. If he believed in psychics, he would go and see one to ask about his relationship with Sirius. That is why marrying Sirius was appealing, while he knew divorces happened, it would give their relationship more stability. Yet Sirius didn’t care for it, so he doubted it would ever happen.

“You’re going?” Remus asked.

“Why, do you want me to hold your hand while you give him a blowjob?” Benjy called out from the hallway. “I’m glad that you’re okay but you’re an adult and he’s just Sirius, he’s not some big scary monster.”

Once Remus heard the front door close, he made his way up the stairs and went over to the bedroom door. He was hopeful it was their room, otherwise, his mum would learn a little more about him than he would like. 

After knocking on the door, which got no response, he pressed his forehead against the wood and took a deep breath in. For a moment, he opened his mouth as if to say something but no words came out. 

There was no reply. If it had been his mum she probably would’ve told him he had the wrong room. Either Sirius was asleep or ignoring him, Remus’ gut went with the latter. When there wasn't a response for ten minutes, Remus took it as defeat and went back downstairs. 

The utility room was across from the reading room, so Remus went into it and found a duvet and two pillows. He took them back to the reading room and threw them onto one of the armchairs. It occurred to him that he didn’t end up making himself a cup of tea but couldn’t be bothered to go back to the kitchen to do it now.

He sat down on the couch and put the headphones back on. With his bass in his hands, he decided to focus on music and if Sirius wanted to talk, he could make the effort. 

⁂

Remus sat at the breakfast bar, nursing a cup of tea in his Mr Tall mug. He was letting himself wake up before he even attempted to make breakfast. One thing about the hospital that he didn’t mind was that the food would be delivered, and while the food was shit, at least he didn’t have to cook. Something he would have to get used to again.

Footsteps came from behind him, and after living years with Sirius he could tell it was him. A kiss was pressed to his temple, that was affection that Remus hadn’t been expecting after last night. “Morning,” Sirius said as he walked over to the coffee machine in the corner and started fiddling around with it.

“Morning,” Remus replied, swirling the tea around the cup. Not that he believed in any of that rubbish, but part of him wondered what the tea leaves at the bottom of the cup would say once he was finished. 

“Where were you last night?” Sirius asked as he took his coffee mug off the strainer next to the sink. 

“Here.” Remus shrugged. Where else would he have been? It’s not like he was able to go anywhere else. There wasn’t anywhere else he would want to go anyway.

“You didn’t come to bed,” Sirius stated, looking over his shoulder as he pressed a button. 

“I slept on the couch,” Remus said before drinking the last drops of the tea. 

“Why would you do that?” Sirius questioned.

“You know why.”

“I don’t.”

“I didn’t feel welcome.”

“I waited up for you.”

“Sorry.”

“You were gone when I opened the door.”

“What?”

“After you knocked, I opened the door and you weren’t there.”

“I waited ten minutes and when you hadn’t replied, I took it as you wanted to be left alone,” Remus said as he reached across the bench and grabbed the loaf of bread. 

“Stop, I'll make it.” Sirius swatted his hand away from the bread. He took out two pieces of bread and put them in the toaster which was next to the oven on the right side of the breakfast bar. 

A silence fell between them, Remus didn’t want to make pointless conversation but talking about them wasn’t something he wanted to do either. While he had questions and wanted answers, the worst thing would be to have an argument and his mother to overhear. She wasn’t even aware of their relationship, and her finding out about them by accident would cause problems. Problems he didn’t want to deal with. Yet if he didn’t ask, he wouldn’t know where they stood or what happened.

Remus took a deep breath as he watched Sirius put the two sugars into his coffee. “Can I ask you something and you not get pissed at me?” Remus asked, almost instantly regretting his approach. Since he asked Sirius not to get pissed, that’s probably exactly how he is going to react.

“If you ask me an arsehole question, I’m allowed to get pissed.” Sirius frowned.

Remus sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “What are we doing?” 

“Making breakfast,” Sirius responded, walking over from the toaster to the other side of the breakfast bar and resting his arms on the top.

“Us, relationship-wise,” Remus clarified.

“We’re fine, that’s not something you need to worry about,” Sirius brushed the topic off with the wave of a hand as if the movement just swept the hospital incident and last night under the rug.

“Maybe for you,” Remus said.

It wasn’t fine, none of this was fine. Up until Sirius woke up this morning, he had been nothing but short with him. They needed to clear the air, Remus needed to know what happened to even begin to forgive him. He knew he wasn’t perfect, but he always showed up for Sirius when he needed it. 

“What does that mean?” Sirius narrowed his eyes.

“You didn’t talk to me a week and when you finally did, you made me feel like shit and that I was an inconvenience,” Remus explained, before adding, “that’s not even going into last night.”

Sirius twisted his mouth. “You’re not an inconvenience.”

“You ignored what I said at the hospital,” Remus replied.

“Remus, you had been in a hospital for over a week, you weren’t allowed to smoke, you were sharing a room with three other people, you had shitty food and a shitty bed, you had also been stabbed,” Sirius said, making excuses as to why Remus said what he said. “You weren’t angry at me, I was just who you decided to take your frustration out on.” 

“Sirius, I have been there for you since day fucking one without questions or judgement. The only time I needed you and asked you to be there for me, you refused,” Remus explained, trying to get Sirius to see it from his perspective. “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who expects me to be there for them but refuses when I need it.”

“I was here for you, maybe not in the way you wanted but I got all this ready for you in two weeks so you didn’t have to worry about it, or live surrounded by boxes when you should be taking it easy and looking after yourself,” Sirius waved his hand around. 

“It’s not just the way I wanted, it’s what I needed.” Remus crossed his arms. “How would you feel if you had an episode and ended up in fucking Croydon again and when you called me, I told you that I didn’t have time for it?”

“I didn’t want to annoy you,” Sirius retorted. For just a moment, Remus believed him but he had been trying to get some sort of conversation from him. There had to be more to it or maybe it was a lie.

“I was practically begging for you to talk to me, you couldn’t even reply to a text,” Remus berated his boyfriend, if that’s even what he was anymore.

“I was busy, you had your mum and Dora for company, you didn’t need me,” Sirius defended himself.

“You’re not listening to me. I did need you,” Remus protested. During the two weeks in the hospital, he was lonely. While his mum and Dora were a welcomed distraction, he just wanted to curl next to Sirius and be told everything was okay. He wanted his boyfriend to be supportive, but that was too much to ask. “Fuck your cousin and my mum, I needed you specifically.”

Sirius looked down at his hands that were clasped together. “I’m sorry, I wish I could’ve given you what you wanted.”

“I don’t understand how you go from being so affectionate with me to ignoring my entire existence and being so cold towards me,” Remus said, defeated from this whole conversation. He was exhausted, from tiredness and the prevailing pain in his abdomen that constantly came and went.

“I wasn’t purposely trying to hurt you, I was trying to protect you.”

“From what?”

“I wasn’t coping, Remus. I just… it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.”

“I was keeping my distance because I didn’t want you to have to deal with me, not the other way round. I’ve been where you are, I thought the last thing you needed to deal with is my reaction and feelings to it.” Sirius looked up from his hands, a sad expression painted across his face. “I thought doing that and making things okay on this end, would help you more than me sitting at your bedside crying.”

It seemed to only be the surface level of it. There had to be more, he couldn’t forgive him if that’s all he was going to get. It still didn’t add up completely, he needed it to move on from it. Remus wanted to know the parts that Sirius didn’t like and was ashamed of, he wanted to know what exactly had happened and what his thoughts were. Even if he didn’t get all the answers, which was a possibility, he had to try. He needed to know why he didn’t get a text or why he was so short with him. 

“You could’ve at least replied to my texts,” Remus stated, which made him feel like he was picking at a wound that had just stopped bleeding. 

“I know but whenever I saw your name, I would freeze up.”

“You could’ve just told me that, all I could think was that you didn’t care and I was just a fucking chore. I felt like I meant nothing to you, after everything, that I was just nothing.”

“Are you okay?”

“Now you ask.”

Sirius walked around so that he was standing next to where Remus was sitting. His hand went to the hem of his shirt. “Let me have a look at it.”

“I’m fine,” Remus pushed his hand away, Sirius took it as defeat and walked away. 

The realisation that Sirius would eventually look at him shirtless sunk in. While he knew he didn’t have the perfect body, there were never any complaints from Sirius, but now there was a massive stab wound on his abdomen. There were scars all over his face too. The possibility that he mightn’t find him attractive anymore hurt. 

With the sound of a glass being put down in front of him on the countertop brought him out of his thoughts. The water was accompanied by two white tablets.

“It’s Nurofen,” Sirius said, his voice softer than it was before. 

“Thank you,” Remus said before putting the tablets in his mouth before taking a mouthful of water and swallowing it all down.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ neck and rested the side of his face on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. You mean the absolute world to me and I’m sorry I didn’t show it, I’m sorry that I didn’t show you that I cared, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll ask you what you need if you’ll forgive me.”

“Good morning,” Hope said. Automatically Sirius’ put distance between them, as if a simple hug could give her the wrong idea.

“Morning, Hope,” Sirius replied.

“Whose toast is burning?” she frowned.

Sirius made an o with his lips, in their conversation the toast had been completely forgotten about. “Shit, Remus’.”

“It’s alright, I’ll make him an omelette,” she said going over to the fridge.

“Hey, we need to continue this talk later,” Remus told Sirius.

“Yeah, okay,” Sirius reluctantly agreed.

After an omelette and another cup of tea, Remus was back in the reading room playing his bass. He had been trying to create something for hours, but all he could think of the conversation with Sirius that was impending.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sirius walk across the room and sit in the armchair across from him. Normally nothing distracted him while he was in the zone, but with everything on his mind, he couldn’t bring himself to focus. He was determined to get something done, regardless of Sirius’ presence.

“How’s it going?” Sirius asked after ten minutes. 

“I need your advice,” Remus huffed. He took the headphones off and let them rest around his neck. Then carefully unplugged them from the sound system.

“Okay?” Sirius questioned. 

“Which one, This,” Remus said before playing the first bass line. He paused for a moment and Sirius nodded for him to continue. Once Sirius acknowledged it, he played the second bass line. “Or that.”

There was silence for a little, Sirius clearly going over the options and weighing them up. “Second definitely.”

“Really?” Remus asked, not quite believing the answer. Now that he thought of it, the first was better. 

“Why would I lie?” Sirius questioned with a frown on his face. “If you want to do the first, do the first but I like the second.”

“I think I’m gonna go the first,” Remus announced.

“I don’t know why you even asked my opinion.” Sirius sighed. 

“Because your opinion matters to me and you telling me the second made me realise I don’t want the second,” Remus explained but Sirius didn’t seem to care or believe him, neither reason was great.

“If you say so.” Sirius shrugged.

“I do,” Remus looked at Sirius.

“Do you need me to do anything?”

“You can sit in the armchair if you want.”

“I meant did you want any advice or for me to get a guitar?”

“I don’t mind, I’m sorta in the early phases.”

“So why do you want me to sit there?”

“You’re just something pretty to look at.”

“Nice to know you keep me around for my brain.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Well, at least you’re not pissed at me enough to stop flirting.”

“I can stop if you like?”

“No, keep on flirting, flirt away.”

“Oh, that reminds me.”

“Of?”

“What I needed to talk to you about,” Remus began. “The Florence kiss, I told her it wasn’t going to happen and not to do it again, but it happened.”

“You slept on the couch,” Sirius countered.

“Sirius, I wouldn’t cheat on you,” Remus answered. 

“You asked this morning whether we’re together or not,” Sirius continued to point out what happened last night.

“Sirius, you saw how the conversation went. If I didn’t handle it the exact way you wanted me to, I’m sorry, but I didn’t ask for it to happen nor did I want it, but I did handle it. She left a minute after you went to bed,” Remus explained frustratedly, he wasn’t the bad guy or trying to deceive Sirius. If he had wanted to, he wouldn’t have brought up the conversation to begin with.

“You still asked,” Sirius criticised.

“That had nothing to do with what happened with her and everything to do with talking about what the fuck happened for you to be a fucking dick to me,” Remus corrected, there was no way he was going to let the kiss be pinned on him when he didn’t want it to happen in the first place. “Even so, no matter how annoyed, hurt, upset or angry at you I wouldn’t cheat, or do it while there is a chance of us being together. Not after last time.”

“I apologised for that,” Sirius pointed out as he got up out of the armchair and started to walk around the room.

“Sirius, you of all people should know that an apology doesn’t fix everything. What you made me feel is still there. I still don’t know what exactly happened to make you be a cunt towards me.” Remus shared what was going through his mind. Talking to him wasn’t as scary as he thought it was, but so far it didn’t seem like it was going well either. “I know I’m not perfect, but at least I try and make an effort with you, especially with your mental health. All you did was give me a cold shoulder. What you did really fucking hurt, a lot more than being stabbed.”

“You forgave me.” Sirius narrowed his eyes.

“I didn’t forgive you and I won’t until I get an explanation.” Remus folded his arms. Perhaps flirting with him had given him the wrong idea of his feelings but it was too late now, he could only correct what was wrong and that felt like it would just cause more issues. “You just took me calling you pretty as forgiveness.”

“What?” Sirius asked stunned.

“I want an actual explanation of what happened, all you said is that you weren’t coping,” Remus stated. It wasn’t going to be as easy as an ‘oops my bad’ and then moving on. Remus couldn’t just accept the surface level answer he had been given in the kitchen.

“I said I have been where you are, not that Orion ever resulted in stabbing me but he did have a certain affinity for knives. You know what’s underneath my tattoos,” Sirius said. His pacing around the room was somewhat distracting but Remus focused in on what Sirius had been saying. “I told myself you needed me and so despite everything going on in my head, I was going to pull myself together for you. Then, I had to go to the toilet and on the way back to your ward, I bumped into this nurse and she somehow recognised me from when I was a kid and it was just all too much.”

“And?” Remus questioned. It was a little frustrating he had to keep prodding Sirius to get more information about what had happened.

“I could feel myself having a panic attack and so I went back to the toilet and spent over an hour trying to calm myself down,” Sirius’ voice hitched but swallowed whatever was coming to the surface down. “I had to leave, I just couldn’t be there. I tried and I… I couldn’t help you in the way you wanted, so I just thought I’d help in a different way.”

“You should’ve told me instead of shutting me out,” Remus replied. Everything started to make sense, but it didn’t make forgiving Sirius any easier than he had thought it would. He thought having an explanation would magically fix everything, but despite understanding why Sirius did what he did, Remus didn’t think it was classified as forgiveness. 

“I know, but I didn’t want to make you worry,” Sirius explained as he wrapped his arms around his body while pacing around the room. “And that day I went in to get Dora, you just wanted me to stay with you and I left. I was trying my hardest to stay calm while I was there and you were quite pissed at me. It was like I was on autopilot. Who the fuck leaves their boyfriend in the hospital who just got stabbed? Me, apparently. I’m the fucking worst person ever.”

“Sirius, stop for a minute and breathe,” Remus instructed Sirius, but it didn’t seem to help. Sirius’ breaths were getting more shallow and frequent. It hurt what Sirius had done but Remus didn’t think it made him the worst person ever, that was a title he thought belonged to both of their fathers. 

“I’m such a fucking arse. Now I’m just making everything about me, I’m so fucking selfish. I’m just all me, me, me and this wasn’t even meant to be about me, yet it didn’t stop me. I’m so self-absorbed, I don’t know why you even put up with me,” Sirius rambled. It was clear that he was just saying whatever came to his mind, it was coming out like verbal diarrhoea. “I’m so fucking stupid, I-”

“Sirius, take a deep breath,” Remus cut Sirius off before he got too panicked. After seeing what Sirius was like before a panic attack, Remus knew when one was coming on. He probably knew the oncoming symptoms better than Sirius. They wouldn’t be able to have the conversation if Sirius was in that state, it didn’t feel right to do it. Sirius looked at Remus as he took in a deep breath, while it didn’t immediately calm him down Remus knew methods to at least help him get out of his head. “Five things.”

“What?” Sirius asked, confused by what Remus meant.

“Five things you see,” Remus clarified. It was a grounding technique that Sirius had done before, it helped by bringing him back to the present and focus on something other than what was going on his head. 

“Couch, books, bass, window,” Sirius said, his eyes searching the room before landing on Remus. “You.”

“Four things,” Remus continued to lead him through the exercise. 

“Couch, rug, my shirt, hair tie,” Sirius told Remus four things he could physically feel. 

“Three things.”

“Cars, my heart, you.”

“Two things.”

“Me, you.”

“One thing.”

Sirius waved a hand around before sighing. “Disappointment.”

Remus sighed. “That’s not a thing you can taste, try again.”

“This tastes like disappointment,” Sirius said before letting out a sigh. “I don’t know, the roof of my mouth.”

Remus reached out and took Sirius’ hand in his, hoping that the physical contact will help. “How do you feel?” 

“Like I’m an idiot,” Sirius rubbed his eyes with the back of his other hand.

“Now, I would appreciate it if you didn’t say mean things about my boyfriend,” Remus kisses the back of his hand. 

Sirius sighed. “Don’t do this.”

“Do what?” Remus asked.

“You’re going to be kind and understanding, it’s just going to make me feel like shit about everything I did,” Sirius explained running his fingers back through his hair.

“Do you want me to go back to being annoyed at you?” Remus asked.

“Not particularly,” Sirius smiled sadly.

“If it makes you feel better, I’m still hurt by what you did and I haven’t forgiven you,” Remus told him as he let go of his hand. He didn’t know if it would make him feel better but it was the truth. Just because he was hurt by Sirius, it didn’t mean he didn’t care about him or wanted him to beat himself up about it. It didn’t help either of them when he was in that headspace. “I don’t know how to forgive you or fix this, I want to but I don’t know how.”

“Say you forgive me, there, it’s fixed.”

“That’s not fixed. It’s like putting an Elastoplast on a broken leg, it’s not going to do shit.”

“Not with that attitude it’s not.”

“Sirius.”

“I know, I know.”

Remus knew what he needed from Sirius, they needed time apart. Time to reflect on themselves and their relationship, they needed to figure out what they both needed from each other to make their relationship work. In all the years they’d been on/off since they had left school they hadn’t ever had time to themselves. Even when they weren’t together, they were still living together and not sorting out the problems they faced. It was always put on the back burner until it was conveniently remembered when they were in the middle of a disagreement. 

“I need space,” Remus said, looking down at his hands. Guilt sat in his stomach, making him feel nauseous. He felt bad for needing this, let alone saying it out loud. 

“You need space,” Sirius reiterated. The tone of his voice said everything, he went from being upset to angry in the space of three words. 

“That’s what I just said,” Remus confirmed. He didn’t dare look up at him, the disappointment and guilt would eat him up too much. 

Sirius took in a deep breath. Silence crawled it’s way between them and settled, it was heavy like fog on a winter morning that stays around until midday. Neither of them said anything, Remus could hear Sirius pacing around the room as he stared at his hands. 

“How long are we talking? A day? A week? A month?” Sirius asked after what felt like years.

“I don’t know,” Remus said.

“You don’t know,” Sirius laughed. “This feels awfully like a breakup.”

Remus looked up at Sirius, who was pacing around with his arms folded. Even though he wanted space, he didn’t want to break up with him. “I’m not breaking up with you.”

“Maybe you should,” Sirius replied.

“What?” Remus was surprised by that, he didn’t know why after the last few weeks he kept thinking how Sirius didn’t want to be with him. 

“If you’re not happy with me anymore, maybe you should break up with me,” Sirius explained.

“Sirius, I just need some space, I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you,” Remus clarified, though he thought it was pointless as Sirius heard what he wanted to. “I think you need some too.”

“What does that mean?” Sirius questioned, unamused by whatever he thought Remus’ implication was behind it.

“You need to think about whether this relationship is something you want. The thing is, I’ve thought about it. I want to be with you but it can’t be like our current relationship. We don’t communicate, we don’t trust each other...”

“How are we supposed to communicate if we’re not talking?” 

“We need to work on ourselves.”

“How do you suppose we have space here?” 

“I’ll go to Wales,” Remus suggested, it was the only place he could think of that would give them space while not hating it the entire time. 

Sirius unfolded his arms just to fold them again. “Oh, so you’re going to be in a different country?” 

“Sirius, I won’t be partying or sleeping around. We will still be in a relationship just not together. Besides us, I have things I need to work through,” Remus said. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Like?”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I got out of hospital yesterday,” Remus replied. 

“I haven’t, I don’t like you assuming I have,” Sirius defended himself. His fingers ran through his black hair, his eyes were sad but Remus didn’t know what was hiding behind them. “I don’t know if you remember but I came home to you bleeding out on the floor. You were talking to me as if you were going to die.”

“I thought I was,” Remus mumbled back. Despite the fact he thought he was dying, he felt he was a little melodramatic telling Sirius to move on. 

“Would you have wanted to go home there, after everything that happened?” Sirius asked.

Remus did see Sirius’ point, he would’ve hated to go back to their flat after what happened. It would have felt unsafe and have been an unpleasant experience seeing where he laid every day. He could see Sirius’ side but he still would’ve liked him to meet him halfway instead of shutting him out. “Probably not.”

“Are you okay? You look…” Sirius took a step closer to him. 

“I’m tired, I haven’t had a decent sleep in weeks. I slept on the couch last night. As much as it’s an improvement from a hospital bed, it’s not that comfortable,” Remus explained as he wrapped his arms around himself. Everything seemed to be catching up with him and weighing him down. Part of him just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to find that the last two weeks had just been just a bad dream. “I’m just physically tired and mentally tired. I’m tired of how messed up our relationship is, I’m tired of how our relationship status changes with your moods.” 

“Have a nap then,” Sirius said, as if a nap would solve all their problems. Perhaps if they were two different people it could, but they weren’t.

“We’re in the middle of a conversation,” Remus pointed out.

“We can have it later,” Sirius explained. Since Sirius didn’t mind if he went to sleep, Remus put his legs up onto the couch while Sirius glared at him unimpressed. “You do realise we do have a bed?”

Remus couldn’t be bothered to climb the stairs and go into their so-called bedroom. The house was theirs, but it didn’t feel like it. Remus felt like an unwanted guest, he didn’t want to go into the bedroom and see the room he was meant to stay in. “I’m fine here.”

“I’ll tell Hope,” Sirius threatened. The worst thing about having a nurse as a mother is that she worried about everything. She knew that he should be asleep in a bed, that he should be taking care of himself, but he didn’t have the energy to. If Hope found out that he willingly slept on the couch he would be in trouble.

Remus got off the couch and stumbled towards the stairs with a huff. “Fine,” he said as he started dragging his body up to the second storey.

“It’s the room above the kitchen,” Sirius called out from the bottom of the stairs. When Remus got to the top and turned around, Sirius was standing on the first floor with his hands in his pockets looking up at him.

The guest room was a fourth smaller than their bedroom. Between the wall of the railing and the guest room, there was a small area where two armchairs, matching the ones in the reading room, were set up. Since the master bedroom was above the kitchen, utility room and bathroom, the room was the length of all of them together. The door to their room was halfway down the L shaped landing. 

Remus opened the door to their bedroom. The walls were also painted black, which made it feel cozy. Their king-sized bed was against the outside wall, with a bedside table on each side, a TV was hung up on the wall opposite their bed which would be good on lazy days. At the end of the room, the wall that was on the street side had a french door out onto a balcony. The opposite end had two doors, Remus assumed that to be their wardrobe and en-suite, with a dog bed between the two. 

After taking in the room, Remus found some comfy clothes that he hadn’t had at the hospital and then had a shower. After cleaning himself and getting dressed, he climbed into the bed. Remus felt like he was floating on a cloud for how comfortable it was. 

⁂

Remus stirred before opening his eyes, Sirius was sitting on the floor with a suitcase between his legs. Sirius’ back was facing him, part of Remus just wanted to reach out and touch him. Take everything back from what he said earlier and do what Sirius wanted, but he knew that wouldn’t be good for them in the long run. 

“What are you doing?” Remus asked, rubbing his eyes. 

“You said you wanted to leave, so I packed for you.” Sirius didn’t even turn around, he just kept his head down looking at the bag. For someone who was begging him to stay, there was only a coldness between them. 

Remus wanted to clear the air, he didn’t want this space to come between them and result in a breakdown of their relationship. He sat up, in an effort to keep himself awake for this conversation. The last thing their relationship needed was him falling asleep in the middle of a conversation. “I’m not leaving, I’m just getting space.”

“Sounds like the same thing to me,” Sirius replied as he wrapped his arms around himself. 

“Sirius, we’ll still be in a relationship just not at the same location,” Remus tried to explain, he felt that it was left on deaf ears.

Sirius turned around, his eyes were red as if he had been crying. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry about everything. I fucked up big time and now…”

Moving towards the edge of the bed, so that he and Sirius were closer. Remus reached out and put his hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “I will come back.”

“Your mum is downstairs, she’s ready to go.” Sirius stood up and wiped his hands on his grey joggers.

Florence kissing him, the hospital, their disagreement. Maybe in the past however many hours Remus was asleep, Sirius had decided he wanted out. It explained the tears but it didn’t explain the apology. Somehow when it comes to Sirius, whenever he adds one plus one he ends up with 289. Nothing ever made sense.

“Are you kicking me out?” Remus asked. Did Sirius even want him to come back? Maybe this was it, the end of the line.

“No, you can stay. I want you to stay but I told her that maybe you should get away for a while, be with your family and all that,” Sirius mumbled, every word coming after the other quickly. A wave of relief washed over Remus in a matter of seconds. “She just thinks you want to see your dad or something, rather than something happening to us.”

“I guess I should get up then,” Remus said, pushing himself off the bed and trying to ignore the uncomfortable pain in his stomach. 

Sirius reached out and took Remus’ hand in his, their fingers intertwined with each other’s. “Don’t forget this is your home, that I’m here.

“I won’t, I promise,” Remus kissed Sirius’ forehead. 


	12. Moon Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [chapter’s song: moon song by phoebe bridgers]
> 
> so i will wait for the next time you want me  
like a dog with a bird at your door

“I wasn’t expecting you home until the weekend,” Lyall said as he opened the front door before kissing Hope. When they didn’t part after what felt like half a minute, Remus coughed. What his parents did alone was none of his business. He really didn’t want to know either, but they were obstructing the doorway and Remus wanted to go to bed. Lyall pulled back surprised to see Remus standing behind Hope. “Oh, you’re here.”

“Nice to see you too, Dad,” Remus replied with a tight-lipped smile. Perhaps going to Wales was a bad idea if Lyall didn’t want him to be there. Was there even a point? They hadn’t talked since the birthday party where Remus decided to walk out. 

“What’s going on?” Lyall asked Hope under his breath, probably thinking that Remus couldn’t hear.

“I have no idea, he won’t talk about it,” Hope answered, shrugging her shoulders. 

Remus walked past his parents and into the house. He dumped his suitcase at the bottom of the staircase, he didn’t particularly feel like carrying it up but he knew he would have to. “You say I never visit, so guess what? I’m staying here for a bit.”

“Okay, that’s a surprise,” Lyall said looking at Hope, trying to communicate to her without talking. 

“I think you’ve already covered that,” Remus responded curtly. After a three-hour road trip with his mum, who kept asking questions the entire time, he didn’t feel like getting the third degree from his dad too. Conversations were too hard.

Lyall rolled his eyes. “You’re in a great mood.”

“I think he had a fight with Sirius,” Hope whispered.

Not wanting to spend more time being in the same room with them and having them talk about him as if he wasn’t, he decided he was going to trek up the stairs and into his old bedroom. “I’m going to go to my room,” he announced, picking up the suitcase and dragging it up behind him.

When he got to his old room, he used his elbow to push the door handle down and his foot to kick it open. It looked the exact same as he left it, including the Fenrir pictures scattered across the bed. That was an unwelcome surprise. He grabbed the photos and threw them into a draw of his desk haphazardly. 

There was a photo of Fenrir and him at the beach around the time he was three. Remus was standing in the sand and pouring sand over Fenrir who was sitting down next to him. Fenrir didn’t look angry, he had a massive smile on his face. 

Half underneath the top one, there was a photo from the same beach trip. Fenrir was sitting on a massive piece of driftwood which was an entire tree branch. Remus was on his lap. The shirt Fenrir wore was an old rugby jumper that he wore the day he took Remus to the library before disappearing. 

The photos made him sick. It didn’t make sense to Remus. How could someone look genuinely happy being around someone but also end up stabbing him? He slammed the drawer shut after having Fenrir stare up at him for long enough. The more time he spent thinking about Fenrir and what he had done, the further Remus felt he would spiral. That wasn’t something he needed at all.

In efforts to distract himself from the photos, he decided to go over to his suitcase. Sirius had packed it for him, so he had no idea what was in it. For all he knew he could’ve just packed all underwear or, alternatively, no underwear at all. Knowing Sirius, it was a possibility. 

Remus sat on the floor and moved the suitcase between his legs. He found the zipper and unzipped it and pushed the top off. On top of his clothes there was the teddy Remus had gotten Sirius for Valentine’s Day back when they were twelve as a joke. It was white and fluffy and holding a heart that said ‘I love you’, that was probably the closest Remus ever got to say it outright. The fact that Sirius still had it from almost 15 years ago surprised Remus, he thought it was long gone. As he was putting it on the bed, he noticed around the foot of it was a friendship bracelet Remus had made all five of them back when they were fifteen or so. Where the bear had laid, there was a note that said, ‘I expect you and this bear to come back’.

He pulled out some of the clothes and realised that an Arsenal hoodie that belonged to Sirius was also packed. The jumper would’ve been at least ten years old as well, mainly because Remus remembers Sirius practically living in it during winters at school. Despite not giving a shit about football, Remus put it on. It smelled like Sirius, it was almost like getting a warm hug from him. Not quite the same but not different either. It made Remus question whether he had done the right thing by getting space. 

The rest of the suitcase was full of his actual clothes and other stuff he did need, like his phone charger and his laptop and the charger for that. He sorted everything out and put his phone on charge. 

Needing to distract himself again from the thought of Sirius and also the photos in the desk drawers, he pulled out a book that was on his desk. It was War and Peace. He had bought it because it was thick and thought it would make him look smart, but he never actually got around to reading it. 

After only getting one hundred pages into it, Remus gave up for the day and decided to venture downstairs to see what his parents were doing. He hoped neither Sirius nor Fenrir would come up, but he didn’t like his chances. Everything seemed to be going against him or at least it had felt that way.

Remus found Lyall standing in the kitchen cutting up carrots. It wasn’t very interesting but he could probably distract himself this way. He sat down at the breakfast bar, which was new. The entire kitchen was new, Remus had no idea they were even doing renovations but at least there was more bench space. 

“Oh, you're awake,” Lyall commented as he put the carrots into a microwavable steamer. 

“Apparently,” Remus sighed. The house was silent which was weird considering his mum wasn’t working. She was always the type to have music playing as she did her chores or hobbies. “Where’s Mum?”

“She’s asleep. You would think that not working for two weeks would give her some energy back, but nope,” Lyall said as he started chopping broccoli. It felt slightly like a dig at him, it wasn’t like Remus had asked his mum to come to see him. It wasn’t as if he even told his mum he was in hospital, she just turned up. 

“I didn’t ask for her to come to London,” Remus retorted, he wasn’t going to have any of it. Throughout his life it was obvious that neither Lyall nor Hope wanted to talk or be involved with anything Fenrir had to with. When he ended up in the hospital because of him, he wasn’t going to complain to them about it.

Lyall sighed looking up at Remus. Even sitting down, Remus was taller than Lyall who was only 5’5 but told people he was 5’7. “I wasn’t blaming you.”

“If you say so.” Remus shrugged back.

“What’s with the hostility?” Lyall put the knife down and looked at Remus in the eyes. 

“I’m not hostile,” Remus defended himself.

“You’re grumpy at least.”

“Sorry I’m not happy, I got out of hospital yesterday and had a disagreement with Sirius.”

“If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

“So I can be told I’m being selfish? No thanks, I’ll have to pass on that.” 

“I never called you selfish, Remus.”

“You didn’t have to, I know how to read between the lines.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t, if I had meant to call you selfish I would’ve said so.”

“Would you?”

“I’ve never been one to lie to you to make you feel better, have I?”

“How am I supposed to know if you’ve lied to me if I haven’t caught you in one?”

“You’ll just have to trust me.”

“Maybe.”

Lyall picked up the knife again and started cutting the broccoli florets. “Can you please peel the potatoes?”

“Did you miss the point that I got out of hospital yesterday?” Remus asked.

“I didn’t realise he stabbed you through the hand,” Lyall commented.

Remus frowned. “He didn’t.”

“I can’t see why you can’t peel them then.” Lyall passed him a bowl, a peeler and five potatoes.

“Fine,” Remus said, reluctantly taking a potato and the peeler. At least it wasn’t a hard job, it was just incredibly mundane. 

“Are you grumpy at me or just in general?” Lyall asked.

“I’m tired,” Remus sighed.

“Then why don’t you sleep?” Lyall suggested.

“It’s not a sleeping sort of tired,” Remus clarified.

“I am here if you ever want to talk,” Lyall said despite knowing that Remus had no intention of talking about it.

*

A week later, Remus’ alarm woke him up at eight am, the earliest he had been awake in a few days. Most days he had been waking up around midday, he felt like he had reverted back to being a teenager on summer holidays. 

After letting his eyes adjust to the light, he unlocked his phone to see if he had any messages from Sirius. Not that he thought he would, but he always checked in case. Today was no different from the past five days, there were no messages.

He didn’t want to get upset over it because he was the one that wanted space, yet he found himself missing Sirius more than he had expected. In hindsight he didn’t understand how he thought he wouldn’t miss Sirius when he had been in hospital and rather pissed off at him; he had still missed him. 

There was an unread message from James, which was just a game of cup pong they had been playing. He had his turn and missed, which was unsurprising as he had just woken up. At least that’s what they told himself. They hadn’t talked in days but they had been playing games with each other. Remus didn’t know if they hadn’t talked because James was annoyed at him for wanting space or that he didn’t want to talk to him so he didn’t feel obligated to tell Sirius what they talked about. 

He had been reading a lot of Dylan Thomas’ works, which seemed good in theory but it just made him melancholic.  _ “O my heart, my golden heart, how I miss you. There’s an intolerable emptiness in me, that can be made whole only by your soul & body. I will come back alive & as deep in love with you as a cormorant dives, as an anemone grows, as Neptune breathes, as the sea is deep.”  _ was a quote that stuck with him from a love letter Dylan had sent. It made him think of Sirius. 

A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts. “I’m awake, I’m awake,” Remus groaned, kicking his bed covers off. 

“We’re leaving in an hour,” Lyall said through the door.

Getting out of bed didn’t seem appealing at all, yet he managed to get up and find clean clothes. Last night Hope had mentioned that they were going to do a ‘fun’ and ‘bonding’ family activity and that he needed to wear clothes that were okay to get dirty and were comfortable. 

He had a shower and got dressed before heading downstairs. After making himself breakfast, which was the usual toast and tea, he took a seat at the table. Lyall was sitting opposite him, reading the newspaper while his mum was in the kitchen doing something. 

“So, am I going to find out what we are doing?” Remus asked. It wasn’t that Remus disliked surprises but he at least liked to know where he was going so he could prepare himself for it mentally. 

“No,” Hope called out from the kitchen. Today didn’t seem like it was going to be good, but Remus couldn’t recall the last time he had a truly good day. Probably a day with Sirius doing nothing, that was normally his definition of a good day. 

The toast on Remus’ plate was plain since when he had walked into the kitchen he noticed that the spreads were on the dining table. There was a jar of marmite that he had never seen before, probably because he hates marmite, it was apparently peanut butter flavoured marmite. He picked up the marmite with no intentions of using it and held it up to his dad. “What on fucking earth is this?”

“It’s Marmite and peanut butter,” Lyall said looking up from the newspaper. It sounded like something he would’ve bought. When Remus still lived at home, he knew his dad used to put marmite on one piece of toast and peanut butter on the other before eating it like a sandwich but peanut butter marmite in one jar just seemed to be taking it too far. In Remus’ opinion at least.

“That sounds like an abomination,” Remus stated as he put the jar back down on the table. There was also grapefruit marmalade, he didn’t like grapefruit that much but it seemed to be the only other option, so he would suck it up.

“It’s good,” his dad replied, it didn’t convince him though.

“Uh, no.” Remus shook his head before reaching out for the marmalade.

“Oh, I bought lemon curd the other day,” Hope said from the kitchen before walking over to the fridge. She took out a jar before going over to Remus and passing it to him. “I got the extra special one for my extra special baby.”

The label did say extra special on it, though Remus didn’t classify himself as a baby mainly because he was twenty-five. “You do realise I am not a baby, right?”

“You’ll always be my baby,” his mum kissed the top of his head and then ruffled his hair. 

Remus looked up at his mum. “Can I know where we’re going then?”

“No, it’s a surprise.” she smiled in response.

Since that avenue wasn’t going to work, he decided to try his dad. “Do you know?”

“Nope. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you,” Lyall smiled at him too. 

“Thanks,” Remus rolled his eyes at his dad before biting into the toast.

A bit over an hour later they had pulled up to a farm in the Brecon Beacons. At that moment, Remus wished he had stayed in bed. Spending the day on a farm was not something he considered fun. He had better things to do on a Saturday like binge-watch Sex and the City and ponder where everything went wrong. That had become his most popular thing to do while away from Sirius.

Despite the fact he really didn’t want to do whatever his mum had planned, he got out of the car and followed his parents. At least the weather was decent, a few clouds were hanging in the sky but none looked menacing. 

It went from bad to worse when Remus noticed the sheep. While he didn’t hate sheep, he wasn’t overly fond of them. It probably had something to do with getting called a sheep shagger throughout school. 

A woman in rainbow wellies introduced herself as Mel. She explained they were going to introduce themselves to the sheep and then take them on a walk around the farm. It sounded like the most boring thing ever to Remus, he couldn’t believe that sheep walking was the reason why he had to wake up early.

Once they had gotten home from the sheep walking trek, which was guided by Mel, out of boredom Remus created an Instagram account. Despite not caring for social media, he found himself caring about what username he chose. He ended up going with moonylupin as he wanted it to be obscure enough that random people couldn’t find it, but obvious to his friends that it was him. For the profile picture, he chose a photo from James and Lily’s wedding where he was flipping off the photographer. To complete the profile he added Moony as his name and then posted a photo of the sheep he had walked earlier.

He followed the band and everyone one in it, including Sirius. When going to Sirius’ account, he saw that comments were turned off and the photos posted were selfies and random shit he had taken photos of. Remus scrolled back through a hundred posts and there were no photos of him on it, that hurt him a little more than he had liked. He then followed the rest of his friends. Then he switched to messages and pulled up James’ contact. 

**Remus: so i made an instagram…**

**James: You have finally joined the normal people!!**

**Remus: shut up. do you want it or not?**

**James: Sure. Was it your old account?**

Up until roughly two years ago, Remus had an account under his actual name. It was public and he had a decent amount of followers, one day he had enough and deleted all the photos before deleting the app. People would comment and message creepy things that made him uncomfortable, he also didn’t like people who he didn’t know knowing all about what he was doing. When he thought back on it, there had also been people commenting on him and Sirius. 

**Remus: no, it’s just a private one, it’s moonylupin**

**James: How original, I'll follow from my private account then.**

**Remus: you have a private account?**

**James: Yeah?? we all do.**

**Remus: oh**

**James: Me: jimmypothead Sirius: padfoot Benjy: benjyhafez**

Remus went onto Sirius’ account first, it was on private unsurprisingly. The profile picture he had was him in a cowboy hat and a cigarette in between his lips, he had over a thousand posts, almost two-hundred followers and was following the same amount back, his bio was just an emoji of a guitar. As he pressed follow, he got a notification saying someone followed him. It was James, so he followed him back and then found Benjy’s account. When it occurred to him that he hadn’t set his profile to private, he went and did that too. 

⁂

Days passed by Remus, he had lost all idea of what day it was but couldn’t find himself to care. Time was still travelling and it felt like he had been left behind. It had come to Remus’ attention that life still continued even when he didn’t want it to. 

Hope had gone back to work, Lyall was working now and then but spent most of his time at home. Remus figured it was to keep an eye on him without being overbearing or whatever. 

Lyall had texted him that dinner was ready, so he went downstairs and into the kitchen. It was pasta in something that looked like creamy tomato sauce. 

“Thank you,” Remus said as he got the cutlery from the drawer and started to make his way out of the kitchen.

“Sit,” Lyall said just before Remus entered the living room.

Remus turned his head, not knowing what exactly his dad meant. “What?”

“Eat dinner with us,” Lyall cleared up. Being sat at the dinner table while his parents made small talk didn’t excite Remus, he would have rather sit on his bed and watch something like Grand Designs. 

“Lyall,” Hope hissed.

“He’s an adult, he can sit at the table and be civilised,” Lyall explained.

“Do I have a choice?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Lyall said.

Remus sighed and walked over to the table, pulled out a chair that was opposite his mother and sat down. He turned his head to his dad who was sitting next to his mum. “Happy?”

“I would be if you actually talked to us,” Lyall said with an unimpressed look on his face. 

“Talking isn’t our family’s forte,” Remus stated, hoping it nipped the topic in the bud.

“We can start,” Lyall suggested.

“If you want me to eat with you, that’s fine but that doesn’t mean I want to talk about my problems,” Remus clarified. If he was forced to spend time with them, he didn’t want to talk about his problems, he didn’t want to address anything that happened. Burying his feelings was something he did regularly and wanted to keep it that way.

Lyall narrowed his eyes. “Tough.”

“We’re worried about you,” Hope cut in.

“Don’t be, I’m fine,” Remus assured her. ‘Fake it until you make it’ was his approach for the time being until the facade inevitably cracked. It was going to crack at some point, but until then, he would continue to do so.

“You only leave your room for food or to smoke, that isn’t doing fine,” she replied.

Remus frowned. The entire conversation started to feel less like them wanting to spend time with him and more like an intervention; he didn’t like interventions. “Is this an intervention?” 

“No… we’re just having a conversation.” she shifted in her seat.

“A dialogue,” Lyall added to Hope’s point.

“Sounds like an intervention to me,” Remus told them. 

“What do you need from us?” she asked, reaching out to hold Remus’ arm. 

“Nothing? I’m fine,” Remus shrugged, really hoping the cracks weren’t starting to show so soon. He needed to stay together at least until he was alone then he could let it all go.

“You’re not fine,” Lyall said.

“How would you know that?” Remus asked.

“You’re saying one thing but doing another. You can say you’re fine all you want but I don’t believe it,” Lyall folded his arms.

“You can believe what you want that doesn’t necessarily make it true, like believing in God or ghosts,” Remus retorted. Both of those seemed unlikely, he didn’t care whether people believed in them as Sirius was into paranormal stuff, but it just didn’t tickle his fancy.

“Remus,” Hope rolled her eyes unamused by the comment made and pulled her hand away. While she wasn’t on the level of religious Lyall was, she still believed but wasn’t practising. Remus had always thought she was pretending to believe to appease his dad, which Remus did until one day he just decided not to care about what his dad thought about it.

“What? Am I lying?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow at his mother. She sighed deeply and went back eating her pasta.

After the awful dinner happened and the conversation died out after Remus’ God comment, he went outside to have a smoke. He couldn’t be bothered to turn the light on so he sat in the dark.

Once he had lit his first cigarette for the night, he pulled up Instagram on his phone and noticed that Sirius had requested to follow him. It had been multiple days since Remus had requested to follow him but only now he had been accepted. He couldn’t tell if it was a step forward in their relationship or back, sometimes it felt like he and Sirius were moving in opposite ways and only meeting up when they somehow passed by. Not wanting to fall deeper into the little hole of despair he had dug himself into, he accepted the follow request but didn’t dare to check the profile. There was only so much masochism he could take and going onto his boyfriend’s profile, who he hadn’t talked to in over a week, seemed to be crossing the line. On the other hand, his friends had requested to follow him so he accepted them. 

The glass backdoor slid open and Lyall stepped out. The light above the door turned on, lighting up the yard so now Remus wasn’t sitting in the dark smoking and the only source of light being his phone that rested on his lap. He didn’t have to look around to know it was him, he could tell it was by the footsteps. He continued to stare out into the yard, not bothering to check if his suspicion was correct.

“You’ve been out here for hours,” Lyall said, breaking the silence. 

On the left of Remus and closer to the door, was a table that had an ashtray, his cigarettes and lighter. The cigarette in between his fingers reached the filter and Remus pushed the remains into the ashtray. He lit what was probably his eighth cigarette that night. “Is that a problem?” Remus asked.

“Your mum wants you to quit,” Lyall replied, avoiding the question. 

Ever since Hope had found out about him smoking, she had always encouraged him to quit but he didn’t pay attention to it. He knew he should quit but at that moment in time, he cared less quitting than ever. Dying didn’t sound like a bad option. 

“Are you here to throw them out?” Remus questioned back, raising an eyebrow not caring if Lyall could see it or not. He would think it would be a little rich for Lyall to take his cigarettes considering that he had been smoking for Remus’ entire life. 

“No, can I have one?” Lyall said sitting down on the chair which was on the opposite side of the table. 

Remus turned to face his dad, who looked fresh out of the shower with a dressing gown on and slippers on. It wasn’t even that cold but he bit his tongue since he had been living in Sirius’ hoodie. “What’s the magic word?”

“Penis?” Lyall suggested.

“Why would it be penis?” Remus asked. 

“I don’t know, it’s your magic word,” Lyall explained.

“Please, the word is please,” Remus shook his head. 

“Can I please have a cigarette?” Lyall asked. Remus grabbed the cigarette case with the Van Gogh painting on it and opened it. There were only a few left, so he made a mental note to buy some more tomorrow, he took one out and passed it to his dad and then his lighter. “I’m surprised you still have some left.”

“I’ll just have to steal yours when I run out,” Remus said smiling even though it was a little forced. 

Lyall smiled back. “That’s nothing new.”

“That’s a little judgmental,” Remus commented, turning back to the garden.

“You’ve been stealing mine since you were sixteen,” Lyall responded before taking a drag of the cigarette. 

“Fourteen but okay,” Remus corrected. There had been a party Sirius had dragged him and Peter along to, it took place at the football pitch to avoid teachers, some guy that was friends with Sirius from six form had offered Remus a cigarette. Sirius had automatically said that Remus wasn’t that sort of person to smoke or drink, so Remus decided to take it just to prove he wasn’t as straight-laced as they thought he was. After that, the same guy, which Remus remembered his name to be Caradoc or something like that, bought him cigarettes. Well, Remus would give the guy the money to buy them and he would go out and get them for him.

“Wait, fourteen? Who gave you to you?” Lyall asked as if Remus had done something completely outlandish. It was kind of nice that he got away with stealing the cigarettes for two years before his dad had noticed. 

“Someone Sirius was friends with,” Remus shrugged it off, it didn’t matter who gave him them. From what Remus knew, he did it for everyone who would ask and pay him.

“How old was he?”

“I don’t know, eighteen?”

“Why was Sirius friends with them?”

“Sirius was friends with everyone, but mostly so he could get alcohol.”

“You weren’t…”

“Wasn’t what?”

“Dating any of them?” Lyall asked.

If Remus had been drinking, he would’ve spat it out. At the time he would’ve probably been with Florence or deeply in the closet. “No, why would I?”

“I don’t know, it’s not like you’ve ever talked about your relationships and I doubt you’ve been single the entire time,” Lyall explained, though Remus didn’t quite believe the reasoning.

“I dated Florence,” Remus told him. 

“I meant… men.” Lyall shifted in his seat.

Remus turned to his dad and raised an eyebrow. The way Lyall had handled Remus’ coming out, he had decided to never talk about his sexuality or relationships with men with him. He didn’t exactly want to be told he was going to hell for loving someone. “You really want me to talk to you about men?” 

“It wouldn’t mind knowing about your life. Especially if you’re sharing part of your life with them,” Lyall explained. 

It was odd to have his dad ask about his personal life since he never seemed interested before. “You’ve met all the important people close to me.”

“Who was this Mary girl your mother mentioned?” Lyall asked, making the conversation go from awkward to laughable at least on Remus’ behalf.

Remus couldn’t help it but let out a laugh at how ridiculous the thought of him and Mary being together was. Even before Remus was aware of her sexuality, he had no interest in her besides being friends. “She’s a lesbian.”

“Oh, good for her,” Lyall looked down at his feet, probably getting more uncomfortable with how the conversation was progressing. 

“She is also in a relationship,” Remus added. The fact that his mum mentioned her to his dad was also plain odd and again with the fact, he had thought they were together so maybe his mum had thought something was happening between them. When Remus thought about it, it meant that his parents talked about his relationships and whatnot when he was not around which was a surprise, he figured they spent all their time kissing each other or something like that. The entire situation was ridiculous.

“So are you seeing anyone?” Lyall questioned, still interested in the subject of Remus’ romantic life.

“Why is this the conversation you want to have?” Remus asked.

“Like I said, I want to know if you’ve met anyone you want to be with,” Lyall shrugged.

“I don’t believe you,” Remus told him, he would prefer his dad to ask him what he actually wants to ask then try and go around it. “Ask what you want to ask, there is no point in trying to step around it.”

“Whatever your fall out with Sirius was, did it involve this man Sirius was dating?” Lyall took a drag of the cigarette and looked at Remus. 

It wasn’t what Remus had expected Lyall to say, but he didn’t know whether he would’ve preferred him to straight-up ask what was happening between him and Sirius. If Lyall did ask, Remus wouldn’t have lied but since he didn’t there was no reason to bring it up. Until then it hadn't occurred to Remus that maybe his parents had seen the photos of him and Sirius together, he doubted they would buy the ‘we were drunk and fooling around’ especially with how they live together and he brings him to Wales often. “They weren’t actually dating, apparently and... No. Well… Maybe, I’m not sure. Subconsciously, possibly, but most likely no.”

Lyall frowned in confusion. “That just made me more confused.”

“To the best of my knowledge, no.” Remus shook his head.

“What happened?” 

“We had a fight.”

“I got that part but what was the fight about?”

“He didn’t visit me in the hospital.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t visit you.”

“I know but you live hours away and you had talked to mum on the phone. Sirius just started ignoring me.”

“Why did he do that?”

“The reason he gave me was he hates hospitals.”

“And the reason you think?”

There was the reason Sirius gave and then the reason Remus believed it to be. After lying to Sirius for the entire duration of knowing each other about who his father was and there being a high chance of him finding out through police, it didn’t sit well with Remus. To him it seemed like it was the only option, some guy might’ve mentioned that Fenrir was his biological father and Sirius got scared and shut him out. Remus didn’t judge Sirius if that was the reason but he would’ve liked to be told the truth instead of some elaborate lie about the nurse recognising him. “He probably found out about Fenrir being my father and the fact I’ve been lying about it for the past fifteen years.”

“I think you should give him more credit than that,” Lyall commented.

Remus frowned as he took a drag. “You’re on his side?”

“No, I’m on yours. I will always be on your side but that doesn’t mean I agree with everything you do,” Lyall explained as if his reasoning made sense.

“You think I’m not rightly pissed off because he didn’t visit?” Remus questioned.

“I didn’t say that I was talking about him pushing you away because of Fenrir,” Lyall shared.

“If you found out your… best friend… had been lying about their father the entire time you’ve known them, wouldn’t you be pissed?” 

“Yes, but from my knowledge of what happened to Sirius over that Christmas when you were teenagers, I doubt he will hold what Fenrir has done against you.”

“How do you remember that?”

“It made me reflect on what sort of parent I was.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not proud of how I handled your coming out. If I could change the way I reacted, I would... but I can’t,” Lyall turned to face Remus and tapped his hand to get his attention. While Remus didn’t want to look at him and let his guard down, since there was a possibility of crying, he did so anyway. “Let me say this. What I did to you was shit. It was worse than shit, I was shit with maggots in it. I fucked up, I fucked up big time and you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry.”

“What about the whole sin thing?” Remus asked

“God has a gay son, I’m sure he understands.”

“Okay, where did that come from?”

“I read an interesting article about how Jesus and John were probably gay,”

“Probably.”

“Well, no one actually knows because he was alive so long ago.”

“That is probably classified as blasphemy.”

“You think Jesus being gay is offensive and disrespectful?”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

“So, Sirius...”

“What about him?”

“Do you think you’ll talk to him?”

“Eventually, why?”

“Just wondering how long you’re going to stay here for.”

“If you want me to leave, I can,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“I’m not kicking you out, I’m just asking how long you think you’re going to be here for,” Lyall clarified.

“I don’t know, a few weeks?” Remus said as he didn't have any plans set in stone. He might wake up the next day and decide to go back, but at this moment in time, he wanted to bury all his problems and himself in the valleys. 

“I think you should talk to Sirius at some point,” Lyall advised as if he knew better.

“How about you talk to him?” Remus suggested sarcastically, there was no way Lyall would strike up a conversation with Sirius.

“I have,” Lyall admitted.

“What?” Remus narrowed his eyes as he felt his heart sinking.

“You should talk to him, he’s your best friend after all,” Lyall shared unsolicited advice.

“I don’t think any of this is any of your business,” Remus defended his boundaries, he didn’t want his dad to go snooping and find out things that were secret for a reason. He didn’t want his privacy to be breached. 

If Lyall had been talking to Sirius, it probably meant that he was aware of how miserable he is. It did hurt a little since Sirius hadn’t messaged him about it. He did want space but nothing was making sense and his head hurt. 

“Remus, I’m worried about you,” Lyall stressed.

“I’m fine, Dad, completely fucking fine,” Remus said. The frustration of being continuously asked about whether he was fine had been building. For whatever reason, Lyall seemed convinced that he was anything but fine even though Remus insisted he was. His dad seemed so set in his own beliefs that he couldn’t be bothered to hear his side in it. 

“I don’t believe you,” Lyall said sternly.

“You don’t have to,” Remus retorted. 

“You’re not talking to your friends, you won’t talk to anyone about Fenrir, none of us really know what happened between you two. This is the first time we’ve had a conversation the entire time you’ve been back home, you stay in your room all day. How am I supposed to believe you when it’s clear that you’re not? You’re saying one thing but doing another,” Lyall explained, poking holes in Remus’ ‘I’m fine’. 

“I am fine,” Remus repeated for what felt like the thousandth time. If he got paid a quid for each time he said he was fine, he probably could buy a house. 

“Okay, you’re fine,” Lyall said, pushing the cigarette into the ashtray to put it out. He got up out of his chair and walked back inside not before turning the light off. “Nos da.” Lyall closed the door behind him.

Remus was left outside in the dark with Sirius’ hoodie on. The hoodie that had started to lose its smell of his boyfriend. Not wanting to think about that too much he opened back up Instagram and noticed that Caradoc, who he had just been talking to his dad about, had requested to follow him and sent a dm. It was odd but he was willing to give any distractions the time of day.

**caradoc.dearborn: Hi, I don’t know if you remember me but we were friends during school**

**moonylupin: yeah i do, i was just talking about you**

**caradoc.dearborn: Haha, really?**

**moonylupin: yeah, i think my parents hate you for my nicotine addiction **

**caradoc.dearborn: Oh right. So, what’s been up?**

**moonylupin: nothing really, just life**

**caradoc.dearborn: Only you could make being in a successful band sound boring**

**moonylupin: well, we’re kinda on a break so really nothing happening. what about you?**

**caradoc.dearborn: I’m currently a data analyst for Tottenham**

**caradoc.dearborn: The football team, just to be clear**

**moonylupin: oh, that is interesting. not that i’m into football**

**caradoc.dearborn: Really? I thought you were **

**moonylupin: not really, i know the rules and i’ve watched some games but it’s always been more sirius and james’ thing than mine**

**caradoc.dearborn: You used to come to practice and games**

**moonylupin: i used to go for my friends**

**caradoc.dearborn: I thought it would be considering it involves men in shorts**

**moonylupin: what is that supposed to mean**

**caradoc.dearborn: Oh, I just thought you were gay**

**moonylupin: i had a girlfriend the entire time you would buy me cigarettes **

**caradoc.dearborn: Really? Shit. I must’ve read it wrong**

**moonylupin: read what wrong?**

**caradoc.dearborn: I thought you had a crush on me back in the day**

**moonylupin: i can’t say i have ever had a crush on you**

**caradoc.dearborn: Damn okay, I feel stupid for dming you now**

**moonylupin: why?**

**caradoc.dearborn: I was actually going to ask if you wanted to get a drink sometime**

**moonylupin: oh**

**moonylupin: i’m in a relationship **

**caradoc.dearborn: Okay, bye**

**moonylupin: bye lol**

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> check me out on tumblr & twitter as @curlyremus 
> 
> also friends, i have made a playlist from songs mentioned in each chapter and throughout the story. check it out [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0LQmb2r535gsNE4RiUXGy1?si=9S_PwlUtQfCPJpRgHUw8tg) if you like.


End file.
